Thank you for anyone taking time to read me. It feels so strange writing about something so personal yet so impactful in my life right now. My mother has always been a bit difficult/hard but we had a very close relationship. (just her and I, no dad - no sibling). She is now over 80 and is more confrontational, harsh and "poor me" than ever. Always getting into conflicts with neighbours/strangers/store clerks/hospital staff etc and saying nasty things about people. She is losing her vision slowly (MacDeg) and this breaks my heart.
We are going through a very difficult time mother-daughter relationship wise for the last years, and very recently with her lodging circumstances. I am helping her day and night with her challenges (no sleep, missing work, logistics research and help, spending money I don't have) and what I find incredibly difficult is how harsh and impatient she is with me and how everything is the poor me attitude about everything that happens, focusing on miniscule things when the main factors are so positive and comfortable. She is even starting to give me lectures on how she did everything for me and I should be grateful etc. and everyone is bad except her and mentions her life not being worth living, which is horrifying for me to hear but loops back to patterns of frustrations for both of us. I have to accept that it might be early dementia but I feel like it is more herself coming out 10 fold. I don't know how to navigate this and find myself not liking who and how she is and losing my empathy for her which is causing guilt and doubt in myself.
Thank you for listening and not judging and I hope that I can find support somehow. I am in the process of growing my family with a soon to be conceived baby and hope to decrease the stress and anxiety while continuing to help her as much as I can.
support for things like this. I’m sorry to read about your dad. Must be so hard on your mother too.
I think the part that is most difficult for me is to accept that she might have been more difficult than I had realized her whole life, and now it’s exponential and exploding in my face. She gave me a great life and did so much for me but it doesn’t change how unpleasant she gets. I also have to accept that whatever I do, logistically or emotionally to help her, will not fix how she feels inside and therefore will not make her softer or grateful. Because of a emergency repair at her apartment 2 weeks ago, we had to pack everything of hers and leave, I arranged for her to be in a wonderful hotel until I find something else for her. Because she is very independent and mobile I can find a regular apartment but I feel she will always have someone
to pick and argument with. I have sincere empathy for how big this ordeal is for her and I try to make it as easy as possible but we are always really close to fighting often and she gets very hard and doesn’t let anyone talk. She spent 2 days in the hospital last week and complained the whole time how horrible they were. I truly don’t know how to manage it. I hate the feeling of not liking her and her behaviour. I know I will be devastated for a very long time when it’s her time to pass but find our relationship for last few years toxic and completely draining. She is mentioning not having much to live for anymore because of the eviction and I find this so sad yet frustrating. I never felt such a strange equal mix of anger and sadness. I want her to have a happy end of her life but I don’t think I can bring that to her.
Thank you again for all your amazing replies, I read every single one many times.
I believe it's crucial that any unborn child have a chance to gestate in a peaceful, calm, happy environment. It may sound wrong, but your first responsibility is to the future life, not the one that is nearing its end. I had three children and difference between the first two and then the horrible time I was going through when pregnant with the third dramatically affected her lifelong personality, I believe. (There's research on that!)
I truly hope you find a way to nurture, care for, prioritize and love yourself, your partner, your life and your future baby, despite having been raised by a woman who devalued you all your life, it sounds like, and who has always had a bit of tyrant in her.