Thank you for anyone taking time to read me. It feels so strange writing about something so personal yet so impactful in my life right now. My mother has always been a bit difficult/hard but we had a very close relationship. (just her and I, no dad - no sibling). She is now over 80 and is more confrontational, harsh and "poor me" than ever. Always getting into conflicts with neighbours/strangers/store clerks/hospital staff etc and saying nasty things about people. She is losing her vision slowly (MacDeg) and this breaks my heart.
We are going through a very difficult time mother-daughter relationship wise for the last years, and very recently with her lodging circumstances. I am helping her day and night with her challenges (no sleep, missing work, logistics research and help, spending money I don't have) and what I find incredibly difficult is how harsh and impatient she is with me and how everything is the poor me attitude about everything that happens, focusing on miniscule things when the main factors are so positive and comfortable. She is even starting to give me lectures on how she did everything for me and I should be grateful etc. and everyone is bad except her and mentions her life not being worth living, which is horrifying for me to hear but loops back to patterns of frustrations for both of us. I have to accept that it might be early dementia but I feel like it is more herself coming out 10 fold. I don't know how to navigate this and find myself not liking who and how she is and losing my empathy for her which is causing guilt and doubt in myself.
Thank you for listening and not judging and I hope that I can find support somehow. I am in the process of growing my family with a soon to be conceived baby and hope to decrease the stress and anxiety while continuing to help her as much as I can.
Many of us have been in your shoes. Don’t feel badly about expressing how you truly feel. We understand.
Doesn’t it feel like this isn’t the mom that we once knew? They aren’t the same. Not at all.
Some of us have had lovely relationships with our parents. Others have had complicated situations.
My mom was once a healthy, vibrant, active and independent woman. I am sure that your mom was too. Then before our eyes they become almost helpless and dependent on us for everything. You’re exactly right saying that it is truly sad.
My caregiver days are over but I cared for my mom for 20 years, 15 of those in my home.
My grandmother remained fairly healthy until her death. Wouldn’t it be a beautiful world if we were all so fortunate? It’s devastating watching our parents deteriorate.
It’s emotionally and physically draining to care for others. Some of us find it very hard to watch our parents become overwhelmed, depressed and riddled with anxiety. We may hate to see their energy fade away.
In your case, watching your mom lose her eyesight is disturbing. My godmother had macular degeneration. It broke my heart.
I would never judge you. You are entitled to your feelings. They are completely normal.
You are living your individual circumstances and while some things are similar, each person has their own challenges.
I don’t have any magic solutions, no one does. All I can offer is to tell you that I have empathy for what you are going through.
Please don’t hesitate to ask any questions on your mind. This is a wonderful group of people and someone will always be around to address your concerns.
Take the advice that is useful to you and put aside the rest. If you need to take time to process any information, do so. There are no instant fixes in the business of caregiving!
Take care. 💗 Best wishes to you and your mom.
May I ask how you were able to care for your mom for 20 years. You are a saint. I’m gonna be new to this role for my mom. I’m afraid. I feel lost.
I applaud you. You are very special.
I just posted my question and concerns a few minutes ago and while doing so , I came across your beautiful post!
I recommend boundaries as a good start. She can only treat you poorly when you allow it, time to start teaching her that she needs you and you need her to be civil or she can find another scratching post. You are not obligated to take abuse from anyone even her.
Great big warm hug! You will get through this.
I recall that my LO became so demeaning, rude, demanding and hostile. No matter how much I did, she had harsh words. I could do no right. Later, we discovered it was dementia.
So, I’d figure out was is reasonable and do that. Her idea of what is reasonable may be very disturbed, It’s sad that they may not be able to get it, but, no need to exhaust yourself. The behavior of someone with dementia often gets worse over time. I hate to be negative, but the behavior can become very difficult to handle. I might check out a book like The 36 Hour Day. It provides what you can expect as a person with dementia progresses. I hope you are able to find some answers and help with your mother.
Welcome to the forum and I hope you will find some encouragement from other posters. I have only been on the forum for 3 1/2 months and I've never been on one before so I understand how odd it feels to share very personal feelings/circumstances. I think you will quickly find that so many of the people on this forum are going through so much themselves that you'll soon shed that strange feeling.
This is an especially difficult time as you are in the process of growing your own family in which you'll be having a baby so you'll need to find a way to decrease your stress and anxiety in the situation with your mom so as not to jeopardize your baby.
Personally, I think the first place to start is to have your mom go through a full medical examination to see if there's any hidden medical issues that she may have. Definitely have her checked for a UTI because that in and of itself causes a wide range of troublesome behaviors. Maybe you can take her to a geriatric doctor who specializes in dealing with the elderly.
You will find a lot of people on the forum dealing with similar issues regarding their loved ones negative outlook and more. A great majority of elderly people get agitated, irritable, displaying self-centeredness and frustrations just to name a few. Some of her traits sound a little narcissistic which she may have tendencies of. Some of it, is just more of the same from what you've always dealt with in spite of having a very close relationship so now those issues are showing up tenfold.
So please have her completely evaluated and then go from there. You'll need to learn that you can't do or handle every challenge/issue with her all at once so try and take small steps or you will quickly burnout and get overwhelmed.
I wish you the best as you try and navigate your role as your mom's caregiver!