What to do with Mom when no nursing homes will take her?

missmel, this is painful to read. I am so sorry that you are going through this. The only solution that came to mind is to get the state involved. Your mother may need to go into a mental facility. I don't know anything about how this is done, but your county mental health service workers should be able to help you. I wish it could be different and I hope you're able to receive the help you need. Big hugs to you and your family.

Any medications recommended? Tried?

Missmel how are you doing?

Has she ever been to geriatric psychward? Maybe they can get her stabilized with medication before she goes to another place.

Missmel, please don't feel alone.

Where exactly is your mother at the moment? And what are your circumstances - are you living alone or with other people, are you working, what else is going on in your life?

I really can imagine how heart-sinking it is to have a parent nobody wants to take in. But remember: your mother may be a very difficult person to look after, she may have very complex needs, BUT SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE and I really doubt if she's the worst. After all, just for example, there are big strong men in late middle age whose dementia makes them violent - but one way or another their families get through. It may not be pretty, but there will be a way.

Also remember that you are not responsible for your mother's behaviour. She's your mother, not your child. If other people push her away because she's abusive, remember that you too are a the victim of her abuse, you're not the perpetrator. If you're prepared to help her in spite of her behaviour, so will others be.

There will be a way. Keep asking until someone helps you find it. Can you tell us a little more about what kind of conditions your mother has been diagnosed with? What kind of care she needs?

This is a sad situation you're in. In addition to looking into the mental health facility, get in touch with the Area Agency on Aging. A representative from this organization may be able to offer you some great advice...I know I have benefited from this for my grandmother's situation. Does she still have a primary care physician outside of the nursing home? If so, get in touch with the office ASAP...the doctor may be able to help you with advice/medications and possibly admit her somewhere if needed. Best of luck to you.

Oh my! I would be calling her doctor and getting her in a mental facility for evaluation. While she is there she will get the correct medicines after determining her mental condition(s). I would search for a nursing home near that mental facility too. Hang in there, and keep us updated.

You poor thing nothing like being at your wits end.I suppose the only answer is to get her doctor to put her in a hospital so she can be medicated properly.My heart goes out to you,this must be heartbreaking.

I would contact your state's Department of Aging - with the increasing number of people with dementia - which often includes depression and psychotic-like behavior, they should have some ideas for you. If you or your mother have no money, she should qualify for Medicaid and be able to be placed in a state-run nursing home and they should be able to medicate her so as to keep her from hurting herself or others. There may not be a therapeutic cure - so it may just be a matter of medicating her to the point that she's not a danger to anyone, which isn't optimal, but at least she won't be able to kill herself or hurt someone else. I'm so sorry you're going through this - it puts many other people's situations in perspective, and as you can see from the other responses, our hearts go out to you. Let us know how things are going - perhaps on Monday, you'll be able to reach someone with the state or your county - whichever has a department of aging - and get going in the right direction. There has to be a solution - she's not the only elderly person who's behaving this way. Take care of yourself, too - you need to hand this to a professional to handle. It's too big a problem for you to be on your own handling it.

What a terrible hospital not to advise you! Where were the social workers and discharge planners! I am so very sorry! There should never be a dead end when people are in this much trouble.
Please keep us posted. Keeping you in my prayers.

Call the police and tell them she is a danger to others and herself..hopefully that will get her into the 'system' and then tell them she needs a court appointed conservator because you are unable, due to your own safety, to care for her any longer. You, precious daughter, have done enough, detach with love and let the system kick in and take care of her.

I think the nursing home(s) were/are saying that they are not set-up to handle your mother. I agree with others who have suggested you need to pursue the mental health route, those in that field are organized with facilities, staff and treatments for all kinds of behaviors and issues...especially those that are at an elevated level. In general, nursing homes are not intended or designed for patients or issues which your mother has. There's probably regulations and concerns for the safety of their staffs and other patients/residents. There should be a variety of mental health organizations in your area or an organization that can steer you in the right direction to get you started. You may have to consider placing her in a facility that is miles away and will limit your visiting and involvement, but sounds like you and your mother have reached a crossroads for a major life change, and while different, it shouldn't be looked upon as a bad thing, for either of you.

I salute you for your devotion for and care of your mother. I wish you...peace.

When all else fails and the patient wasn.t or can't cooperate you can call Adult Protectives Services I have called them myself not that I or anyone else was abusing my mother she was causing the problem herself and when you get them involved they can help with any problem that the patient is causing. They are the state and there will be somewhere they can place your mother. It might mean she may have to be transported to another state for impatient care but this is just about what going to happen if your state doesn't have a place. This is to protect you as well so that things want back fire against you.

I think you need to get a doctor to arrange a medical and psychological evaluation of your mother. If she attempted to harm herself she should be eligible for a stay at some state hospital with a medical health component.

Long term after the evaluation, you should insist on a placement for her. In this case, you don't want her in your home if she presents a danger to others. The evaluation should reveal the likelihood of her harming herself or others in the future.
Take care.

I agree with everyone. There are doctors who can treat this as an urgency and give you a letter for submission to what he/she can possibly term the correct facility. Let your doctor guide you and furnish you with the necessary medical documentation for the facility. I hope you find the help you nedd and wish you all the best.

I am going to make great assumptions: It sounds like your mother might have both a personality disorder (multiple suicide attempts, aggressive abusive behaviors especially if they were present prior to the Parkinson) along with the Parkinson disease. She might find her value in the fact that others attempt to rescue her, and push them away to test her value to others. Since she internally feels she is worthless, no amount to rescuing is ever going to make her feel adequately valued. That is difficult for those around her, you, hospitals, homes. Reinforcing her perception that she is "helpless, hopeless, and unlovable" by inpatient mental health care may not work. All she would need to do is say she is no longer a danger to herself or others, and the hospital or ER would have to release her.

So, all that being said, you as her caring child are in a very difficult spot. She would have to be committed by the courts as unable to keep herself safe. This currently is very difficult due to lack of housing resources and that the law currently favors individual rights.

Find yourself a counselor, as this will be a long and frightening process. See if you can get her evaluated by Aging and Disabled services who might have placement for her based on finding her in need, which may not happen. See if you can get her connected to a mental health provider who can medicate her for Parkinson, which she might be willing to do, and secondary but maybe more importantly the mental health issues. Some meds conveniently overlap.

The next part is the hard part. She may not remain in treatment or housing. Check with Adult protective services, let them know about the treatment failure of several prior settings. They might be able to appoint a legal guardian for her. Notice in most of this I used the word "might", and for good reason. It also might not work, but do keep letting them know with each episode, have them make a record. The cumulative record might (yep, that word again) make a difference down the road.

Do get some professional help for yourself. I could not manage what you are dealing with, few people could on their own.

I did not mean to state the the mother was actually a danger to herself or others (though she may be and is in the sense of verbal abuse). I was suggesting this sweet beaten down daughter just call and say that her mother was a danger and let the 'system' define that as they will. I call this an intervention for the health of the daughter since no one is helping her and all she gets is another facility kicking her mom to the curb. Granted, the 'right' doctor (good luck) and the 'right' medications (good luck) would be the perfect sceniero but all that takes a long time and there is no guarantee the daughter can find them before her mom is booted out. I know the right doc and Rx can rock your world and make things so much better…it only took me 5 L-O-N-G years to get that combo! I don't think this daughter has five more years to search for that perfect combo of doc and Rx.

I feel terribly about what you are going through! It should NEVER happen that way, but too often does. There seem to be disconnects and insufficiencies in systems, making them inadequate to deal with long-term mental issues.
We had trouble when Mom lived with us 6 years; I'd known she had 'special' problems all her life, undiagnosed, she simply 'got by'--rather amazingly, sometimes. But her behaviors never allowed her to have sustained good times, very often...depression, hyped-up for projects never finished, running off for days at a time leaving kids alone, at least one official suicide attempt prior to a sibling's wedding, hints at multiple personalities---it's been a crazy train ride.
Here, she kept escalating, to the point of getting physically violent sometimes, making threats [some she made good on], and creating chaos, not just for us, but in her surroundings. It was finally threatening both my partner's and my health; our son moved out never to return for even a visit.
We were told by multiple Social Workers, there was basically no recourse for getting help, told that nursing homes that knew of Mom's behaviors would never allow her to be placed in those, and, if there was a problem, pretty much there was NO protections for Caregivers.
One Social Worker said "You could call APS, but they would only investigate YOU for abusing your elder, which would follow you forever, making other problems". [[I was almost desperate enough to do that]]
After much calling, including contacting the Suicide Prevention Hotline in one episode of extremis, I learned:
==there's no protections for caregivers;
==call 911 to file a formal reports, which starts a file on the person;
==call 911 to request 'wellness-checks' if the elder is living in their own home, or even in yours or a facility;
==call your local Area Agency on Aging to learn what resources or solutions they might suggest;
==call for a Social Worker come to the house to do a 'formal, in-home evaluation' of your elder's situation if they live at home--any home [[we did--basically useless, but good to go through the hoops--Mom was able to hold out showing basically within normal limits for the 2 hrs they were here--then blew her gaskets AFTER they left! Also, The Workers kept asking Mom if she wanted to move out of here to somewhere more appropriate--she said no. They also asked if they could see her room--she refused; and, they let her get away with returning to her room to gather her wits, a few times during the interview--which prevented her showing deficits--she'd return to the interview refreshed.]];
==write a letter to her Doc, using one-liner fact statements, of her behaviors, for her file [[we did this: it resulted in her getting caught-out at 'drug-seeking', which then was on-file--it was otherwise very hard for officials to 'catch-her-out'--so that was one little 'win' at getting some evaluation remark on file]]
==IF elder is hospitalized for an acute medical issue, tell them to please do a Psych evaluation. This will usually fail, unless the elder is flagrantly exhibiting behaviors--mine was cool--able to be a show-timer to the hilt, but it was in her files that it was asked for. The hospital psych eval was very short, but because I'd told them of her [old] suicide attempt, and that she'd threatened more lately, they put a sitter in her room;
==when the person is currently IN a facility of any kind, that facility is legally responsible for that patient--either must figure how to deal with the elder, or find a new place for the elder--they will try hard to force family, even a friend, to take the person home with them, even for a visit---it's a game of 'hot-potato'. IF family tells the facility "It's unsafe for her to be here anymore, she is a danger to herself and to us, and we have other issues to deal with that preclude her returning to our home, EVER."
In your instance, she's already in a facility--they may not like it, may lack adequate staff to properly care for her--they MUST find her a proper facility, since she is a danger to herself and/or others.
They are NOT allowed to force family, nor friends, to take her home.
A psychiatrist needs to evaluate her to learn if some medications might be helpful, and prescribe them. That could help staff in facilities, if her mental health issues are under better control.
You can work with them, let them know you are concerned, but that due to your own health issues, and for your Mom's own safety, she needs some level of hospitalization, that you cannot in any way provide.
We got lucky, in a very painfully ugly way, that Mom was so terrified of being placed in some facility, even a nice assisted living or even in her own apartment, that she managed to slowly orchestrate and carry out plans to MAKE other family take her in, then cut us off from family using them. She hasn't spoken a coherent word to me in over 2 years; her anger and delusions can be epic.
It could end up similar for you.
PLEASE avoid feeling guilty for not taking your mom into your home!
FIRST, you must be your own best advocate.
NEXT, you must be your immediate family's best advocate [kids, partner].
AFTER that, you honor your Mom best by getting proper care for her---that is NOT necessarily in one's own home.
Honoring your parents includes placing them in housing or facility that can care for her, to prevent her harming herself or others. You may be running out of nursing homes--have you checked what mental hospitals are anywhere in your region? That may be her best choice.
You are not alone--plenty people with mental issues, behavioral issues are falling through cracks between systems, since most long-term mental hospitals got closed during Reagan's admin.
I truly hope you can find help--keep calling various offices--including Social Work, Welfare, the closest hospitals' mental health department, whatever mental hospitals might exists, her Doc, her Psychiatrist?
Keep trying!
Keep asking, and keep records of her behaviors.
Keep us posted!

There are a few things which come to mind (My mother was also kicked out of an Assisted living Memory Care unit). Make sure you have a good psychologist, and make sure your mom takes all the meds s/he prescribes (My mom was eventually able to get on the right meds, she is still living with dad at home for now). Then get in touch with a good Social Worker or Geriatric Case Manager. They know all the ins and outs of the laws in your state, and they will know all the places she could go to. Around here (Upstate NY) we have "locked" geriatric facilities, which are different from "Psycho Wards" for the criminally insane, or other kinds of adult mental disorders. That might be a solution. But the Case Manager will know.

My heart goes out to you!! I have had 2 family members to be stricken with this awful disease, so I sincerely feel your pain, fear & frustration. Another avenue you could try is Adult Protective Services. There has to be help out there for you. May God be with you!

Chimonger - sounds like your mom had undiagnosed/untreated bipolar illness. The SW who said "You could call APS, but they would only investigate YOU for abusing your elder, which would follow you forever, making other problems" may have been covering her own butt, because an unfounded case does not follow anyone at all, let alone forever, and if you were calling because a person was a danger to themselves, its quite a different investigation in any event. I would also vote for a geropsychiatric facility. A regular skilled nursing facility can't handle what is being described here and has to protect other residents as well. I do not see why they have not suggested that to you, nor why she cannot get Medicaid instead of having you try to cover the full cost of her care!

It sounds like you have been working with wharehouses. I can see why somewhere along this journey has not had a care meeting to discuss this and have some options presented. A person that tries to kill themselves wants/needs help. There are elder behavior facilities. They usually try to stabilize the
PTs with meds and standard pay treatments, if judged useful. I find it funny no professional never made a suggestion what to do.
Seek out a elder pay. Contact your state medical school and ask for assistance in locating one. Also, if Medicare/Medicaid is paying, you may appeal to give you a few days to get your ducks in a row.
Good luck

Pay=psy
Sorry, hyperactive auto correct

my mom was diagnosed in 97 with parkinson disease and its been rocky ever since I have had numerous issues with her falling and hurting herself with this. i have no one to help me , I live in another state I am 2 hours away from her right now. This time it all started with an auto accident she has gotten worse since then. SHe has been in 4 places now, one being the state hospital where she was in a area that was short term only and did not deal with geriatrics as patients so I spent hours upon hours searching again only to find this place now which is horrible and should be shut down for abuse and other things , but now they want her to leave here. I have spent my whole life never feeling like I have done the right thing and now years after my dad passed from having kidney disease and dying from a car accident, my mom is sick. I cant find anywhere for her so I feel like I have failed again. She has made numerous sucide attempts all my life and so I dont know what to do anymore. I know mental illness runs in the family , her mother was abusive to her. It is sad to say that I grew up never hearing her tell me that she loved me , and now understand that her mom did the same. where does one go after years of this?

I also work 40 plus hours a week and have two kids with activities to run them to. THere is no time for me, ever. who know anymore

(((((((Hugs)))))) missmel - you are in a horrible situation, There are a number of us here whose mothers are not loving, to put it kindly. Mental illness is not dealt with very well in my experience. I am in Canada so the resources may be different, It took 95 years for mother too be diagnosed with a personality disorder, and another several years of increasing paranoia before the medical system got involved. She is nearly 102 now and temporarily in a geriatric psychiatric hospital and will be placed in a mental health care facility (assisted living) in some months. She refuses to take any meds for her condition, and as talked of suicide a few times. That is when the case manager and geriatric psychiatrist jumped into action.

First of all YOU have not failed. The system may have failed, the NH may have failed, your mother may have failed, but you have NOT failed. You have done and are doing everything a loving daughter could do - and more. Again some of our others have passed on the message to us that we have never done enough or well enough. Try to realise that is a lie, and let the guilt go. There are some suggestions above how to get help for your mother.

I am concerned for you -where do you go? You need to protect yourself and your family. A few people here have turned their parent over to the care of the state as they could no longer do it.

It is not your fault that your mother is in this condition, you did not cause it, and only the professionals can provide solutions.

Put yourself and your children first. Tell the sw, the APS, her doctor, your doctor etc - that you cannot do this any more. It is too much for you, You are done caregiving for years and need a break. Let them take over. You need time to heal and take care of you and your kids. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and keep in touch

I know that this is hard on you. But, why does every one always want to call in Adult Services, rely on Mom being medicated, and look to have person put away. Maybe she just wants an end to all of it! Many times our loved ones want to just get it over with . The anger & "abusiveness" could be reaction to not listening or paying attention to their wishes. I do not believe in preserving "life" at all costs, and many of our elders do not either.

Shakingdust, I happen to agree with you about euthanasia but for entirely different reasons. But I lurch with violent disagreement on the subject of whether you have any right to impose your beliefs on your mother. God gave us free will, did He not? You think you know better?

I just read back over all the comments and suggestions by the wonderful caring folks on this forum. I am left with deep sorrow for all b/c each of you have been touched by the issues surrounding the care of older adults who present with any number of physical and mental issues that require 'someone' to care for them. It makes me so angry that we have to do so much 'on the job training' without the support and guidelines we need. I finally was referred to a Geriatric Care Manager These folks have masters in the field of geriatric care management and like CFCRochester said, they know all the in/out of the facilities and laws etc. She has saved what sanity I had left after I found her, but at $60.00 an hour, not everyone can afford these services and I am not sure how much longer I can. My husbands son decided we should get his dad an apartment (that his dad was demanding) and then just walk away and eventually someone would call the police on him. Such desperation shows the affect this type of situation has on the family. I am madder than h*ll that we are all out here flailing along, trying to find what works and what is available. Then I look down the road and, hey, we are going to be the ones in need of care! There are thousands of us out here in the same situation and maybe we need to stop being invisible and bring all this to the attention of the movers and shakers…but…we are all so exhausted and overwhelmed that the thought of adding more to our plate just makes me (us) shut down. Sigh. Sorry for venting…wore me out writing it and probably wore ya'll out reading it.

I grew up with a mom who was mentally ill, so I really do know what you're going through. It was h*ll. From my experience, you will need to have a doctor state that she has need to remain hospitalized because she is unstable and is a risk to herself and/or others. If your mom is uncooperative with this, you will have to have a judge court order her to be involuntarily committed. If finances are drained and/or there are no facilities willing to admit her, then most likely she will be ordered by a judge to receive treatment as an inpatient at a state psychiatric hospital, against her will. Most of those hospitals have geriatric units, and this is most likely where she will need to go.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My mom wasn't suicidal, but she was psychotic and was in and out of many facilities. Like your mom, most of those places washed their hands of her in the end. You will get through this, I only wish I could say that it was easy. It isn't, and you already know that. I'm wishing you and your mom a good outcome. Don't give up.