I'm the son of a difficult 88 year old dad. He was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in 2017 (not officially dementia), but I'm pretty sure it would be labeled worse than that now. I'm one of 2 sons, but my sibling is across the country so I'm really the only involved family around for my dad
We have had a difficult relationship all my life. My dad is an unpleasant narcissist. I could'nt wait for the day I graduated high school and could get out of the house. After that, our relationship as I have been an adult improved, we would usually talk by phone weekly etc. When my dad reached age 65, he said he would move to the same town as me, but keep his distance and "not be dependent on me" but wanted to be near me in case of emergencies or for help with things. His house is 1 hour away. He is a loner. He divorced my mother 30 years ago in a nasty divorce. He has no local friends, a couple of elderly family members within 2 hours. A couple of friends across the country he can call. But essentially, other than me, has no one locally to help him. Over recent years, he has been declining, and stubbornly was living at home for too long. After the inevitable happened, a bad fall with fracture in August, then after hospitalization, surgery and rehab hospital, he has been in an assisted living place 15 mins away from me for 3 months.
I have been hoping over the past 3 months that he would get used to it and stay. However, he gets in arguments and shouting matches with the staff, has not made friends with any other residents, has created conflicts, has "fired" some staff from taking care of him, and only allows 1 caretaker to help him with bathing. I'm surprised they have'nt tried to tell me that he is not a good fit there and ask that he leave! The place is not full, so I don't think they want to lose a resident so they are fine keeping him. Since he continually says that he is not happy there, we have looked at a few other ALs, but he has not found any he seems to like, and then recently stated that he wants to live at home, either returning to his house or buying a small house near me.
If he returns to his house, I have told him that since its an hour away, I could only practically come on weekends. He would need to get at-home help (ideally 24 hours) via an agency or private. However I fear he either will not find anyone to his satisfaction, or will hire someone who he soon will clash with and fire, or they will be tired of his ways and will quit. It will be very hard retaining caretakers. If he buys a house near me, its closer to visit, but will be a lot of headaches on me and the same issues with finding and keeping a "satisfactory" caregiver will remain.
Should I give in to his wish and let him move back home or buy a home, even though it likely will be a huge increased stress and time-suck for me? Or should I stand firm and essentially require that he stays in AL? If so, should I flat out tell him that, or just stall things and say " we can consider possibly moving home later on, but it will take time to think and research", something to that effect? Me and my sibling have POA. I need to formally get him back to his PCP and neurologist to get a clear determination from them that he can't/ should'nt make his own decisions. I'm not sure if they will but I will see what they say
Thanks for any comment!
-Strugglin' Son
Don’t offer your services on the weekends if he does move out. You will regret it.
He is 88. He’s going to require more care as time goes on.
Have you considered having his cognitive abilities checked for his current condition? That’s where I would start. Then you will have more accurate information for each of you to process.
Even if he refuses to believe that his mental capacity is impaired, you will know the truth.
You are not responsible for his care. It will cost him more money in the long run if he hires private caregivers. You deserve to have a life of your own.
I understand that you want him to be well cared for. Continue to be his advocate instead of being more involved with the hands on caregiving.
What do you feel about the care that he is receiving? Does it seem appropriate to you? What doesn’t he find satisfactory with his care?
Facilities see people like your dad on a regular basis. Ask them if there is anything that you or they can do to help him adjust.
Wishing you and your father all the best.
They all want to go home, wherever they think it is.
Get him tested, use that as a response, "When the doctor says in writing that you can go home, we will consider it, until then you will stay where you are at"
Dementia is a progressive disease, he will get worse, and eventually and end up in memory care, that is if he lives long enough.
What you are experiencing is quite normal with a stubborn, spoiled elder who does not consider anyone but themselves. He will continue to act the way even if you move him to a home, he will not suddenly get nice, doesn't work that way.
Don't cave to his demands, you will regret your decision. Read around here there are more than enough posts to help you understand what you will be getting yourself into.
Sending support your way.