My mother is 77 and extremely co-dependent of me. I am her only caregiver and I have to work to support myself. When I'm not at work (40 hours per week) I am subject to guilt trips and negativity as she is lonely and doesn't have anything to do. I have left my dogs with her for a period of time to possible solve this issue however she is not one to listen and takes them out to much and since she is not very stable in walking has managed to break both arms at different times over a 1 year period. Therefore, I don't leave the dogs with her anymore but she is jealous when I am home that I have dog company. She jealous if I receive a phone call from a friend. Mobility is very limited with her as she refuses to use a cane or walker and prefers to hang onto me which is one of the main reasons I don't feel comfortable taking her anywhere and yet she wants to go ALL THE TIME. After working a rather complex and stressful job I just want to go home. I'm tired. I have my own responsiblities...laundry, dishes, house cleaning, linen changing etc. I've made several attempts to explain to her that I have a load covering her responsibilities (groceries, medications, bills, etc) and then meeting my needs that I can't be responsible for making her happy and entertained. There's no time for myself and as I get older (48 now) it gets harder and harder to meet the load I am caring. My mother does not have 1oz. of responsibiltiy in her body. All family member have past away at this time which leave me to handle the caregiving alone. I run daily at 120% responsibility no fun is even in my vocabulary. Yet the negativity and guilt trips and jealousy I have to deal with daily due to her being miserable is really taking it's tole on me. I've been reponsible for her since I was 16 years old. She is not in the best of health as she has heart failure. How do I have time for myself to live my life and keep her occupied? My life is more than half over and yet I haven't had the chance to live my life without guilt trips and negativity from her that I don't do enough? I give all that I have to her. There's nobody in my life because it causes so many problems trying to meet friends needs and her that I can't handle it and I have to let my friends go. I've been married twice and both times my marrage has failed and I have nothing to give when I am done with her. I have also provided her with a new computer (which she does no how to use), big screen TV, cable and I have even bought her a Kindle thinking she could fine somehow to entertain herself but there's no motovation for her to do anything but complain in self pitty. Does anyone have any advise? I am desperate. Thanks for listening.
If the question you are actually asking is,"how do I get her to stop demanding these things of me," the answer is "you can't.". All you can do is draw boundaries even though she is asking. All you can do is take steps forward in your own life. Call one of the friends you've dropped. Go see a movie. Talk about anything except your Mom. Start to build your own life without her, and let her inevitable complaints be white noise. Sending you (and others in this boat) lots of love...
Get her magazines to look at while you are at, for mom Country and Birds and Blooms have helped. She works large piece jigsaw puzzles. Have her fold her own clothes and put them away. If she doesn't do it willingly, you can at least try dumping them on her bed so they are in her way to see if it helps. And get someone to come in and stay with her or take her for an outing sometimes. If you can't afford this, look for resources to pay for it. If her husband was in the military, there may be a Veterans benefit that will pay for this. If you don't think she presently qualifies financially, you can move some of her money into your account so that she qill qualify, they don't have a 5 year look back period like Medicare does. Can you afford for her to go to a senior day care program? Was there a hobby she was once interested in? Provide the supplies for her to be involved in that. Will she take her photos and put them into photo albums? If you have provided things for her to do, and she refuses to do them, then you are no longer responsible for her boredom. Refuse to receive it.
You are obviously a victim of your Mother's psychological problems--whatever they may be--and so far, it sounds as if she has ruined your life. Just reading your post ruined a bit of my day, and I don't even know you. We see so much of that here, and being compassionate, responsible care givers ourselves, we very much want to help you resolve your situation.
Have you ever seen a counselor to help you "detach" for your own health? Part of the problem is your reaction to her. You know many people who are not in a similar situation, right? Because she got ahold of you at a very young age, you did not learn about BOUNDARIES. To me, it sounds like you are really her Siamese twin. First, you must get strong to separate from her, emotionally, then physically.
Speaking of the "things" you have purchased to occupy your Mother reminds me of all the things I used to do and containers I bought to try to help my daughter get her bedroom organized. I thought, If only I get the perfect item, she will use it and her room will be neat. hahaha Excuse me while I laugh--at myself. She is 23 now, a lovely young woman with heavy responsibilities in her job, lots of friends, amazing gifts--but she is still disorganized and I cannot stand to go to her apartment. Your Mother's rationale is not yours, for if it were, you would have a life and she would be cheering you on to have one!!!
I hope you realize she is victimizing you, and that YOU are the one in control of that. I am not saying it is easy after being ingrained for 48 years, but if you want your autonomy, you are going to have to decide to become an individual.
My heart aches for you--it reminds me of these poor women who were abducted and held against their will for years. Stolen life.
I hope you get the advice and support you need, Jill. The first step in a new direction is always very difficult, like getting ready to jump into a pool of very cold water: you wait for just the right moment when your fear leaves for a split second. You must dig down and find your will to live beyond this burdensome, unhealthy attachment. I wish you strength and peace, dear one. Hugs, Christina