I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
ALSO....IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU WOULD DO WELL JOINING A CAREGIVER GROUP TO LET OUT YOUR FRUSTRATIONS AND HAVE SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE THAT ARE GOING THRU WHAT YOU'RE GOING THRU. I KNOW IT IS NOT EASY AT ALL...BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. I HOPE MY ADVICE HELPS YOU.
We are in the midst of bucket-listing since dh knows his days are numbered. We saw his brother and nieces and nephews in MD (two hours away) at Thanksgiving. On Tuesday, we made a spur-of-the-minute decision to visit his family in WV (three hours away). It went from "I wonder if I'll ever see my cousins again" to reservations made thirty minutes later and on the road an hour after that. It has been a very emotional trip for him. He has wanted to see all the places that meant something to him when he was a kid when his family spent two weeks here every summer. Of course, now we are just driving and looking, not hiking and walking, except he insisted he wanted to see the falls -- 214 steps down to get to the falls, and of course that many back up. He almost didn't make it. We've seen his cousins (and I am slapping myself for not taking pictures). And my father (92) called last night after 10:00 p.m., after we were in bed. He says, "I know it's late, but what-the-h***, you're on vacation." This is no vacation. I haven't had a vacation since 2015, almost every packed suitcase has meant a trip to see him (in Delaware, five hours away) and mom when she was alive. He just doesn't get it.
Shows little feeling for her children and is only happy when she gets attention or eating over her children's house for the holidays.
She is the most annoying person I have ever met. She lives next door to us and can tell you more about our comings and goings better than we can.
She is my husband's mother but I have never felt like she fit in with our family.
Its to the point I don't want anything to do with her.
There's no reason why you shouldn't have been able to go to the calling hours or anywhere else alone.
'No, I'm going on my own'. Then let that be the end of it. The guilt-tripping is something you're going to have to learn to defend yourself against. The way to do this is to allow yourself to understand this plain truth. If you have no life that isn't centered around his needs and demands, you won't be able to care for him.
No one wants to develop resentment towards a LO they care for because it often turns to actual hate.
If your husband can be left alone, start going out on your own. Even if it's only to the store or out for coffee with friends. You do not have to tell him where you're going or who you're seeing.
You are an adult not a child and he is not your parent.
Hire a care companion a few hours a week to take him out without you. It will do both of you good. The two of you can go out together with the companion who will take care of hubby's needs and with the caregiving not on you for a little while, maybe the two of you will have a good time.
Please bring in some help. Being a care slave is a wretched existence. All caregivers must down time. More than the odd hour here and there.
“Stay away from negative people. They drain your energy like vampires suck out human blood.”
“You better go alone, than with negative people.”
“They like you more when you don’t challenge them. They prefer to have an upper hand over you.”
“Unhappy people can be very dangerous, don’t forget that.”
My father is old school Italian and thinks I’m useless because I don’t have a penis. My mother doesn’t like me because I don’t sugar coat how unsustainable their living situation is. I realize just my being here helping out is enabling them not to make any decisions . My mother and I just had a huge argument. To her I’m the evil daughter which is fine because I’m the one that lives 3000 miles away. Just don’t care anymore. Going back home next Thursday to celebrate Christmas and take a family vacation with my daughter and grandkids. My parents can go figure it out. I will be off the grid from 12/26-1/2.
It's exhausting. The finances. The caregivers. The home maintenance. The meds. The travel to get there. The medical required diet. The ordering of supplies. The demands on me....all the time.
We just recently started leaning toward starting help from hospice. The receptionist/billing lady actually almost cried too, saying she understood and she went through similar with her mom, sixteen years ago, and still is painful.
I guess we’re not as alone as it most often feels.
Do some, any, little thing to be gentle and kind to Yourself that you’d usually talk yourself out of. Best to you.
Now I am told that my caregiving, has put me in a position of "undue influence." That the law assumes it is so and the burden is on my to prove otherwise. I'm gobsmacked. Let's get real- the son chose to have next to nothing to do with his dad. We've seen him on social media (I'm sure he thinks we're too dumb to find his account) with his friends- hiking and vacations, weekend getaways, dining out- living his best life. My health is affected, my sleep is affected, my job is affected, my finances are affected- and all so I can be accused of "undue influence?" That is the worst thing about caregiving so far.
^^^THIS
Giving 24/7, and defending yourself to those who do.......nothing.
i think it's really true, that unless you have done it yourself (helping an elderly LO), you don't realize all the work, effort, time, stress, etc., etc., etc., etc., that goes into it. i think some people even have the bad luck of having family members who enjoy seeing you suffer, who enjoy burning your life down. sadistic.
you must keep your head up. rescue your life.
Very well put. If someone has never done it, they do NOT get it. Not even close.
All the CAT Scans my mom has had over the course of 3 months is just CRAZY!
BUT…
the undeniable reality, is that it has set my life back for years. I have a lot to catch up on (caregiving has affected my career, my…everything) (my mom is abusive).
I’ll get myself out of this set-back.
At a close family friend’s funeral recently, as we stepped into the vestibule the bereaved husband saw us and began to sob. My mom threw herself into his arms (his young sons were dressed in black suits standing around him) and my mom sobbed loudly, “oh, (his name), I have terrible news I just heard this morning that my BROTHER is dying, I don’t know WHAT I am going to do!” Everyone looked disoriented and fortunately my husband acted quickly and peeled her away from him saying “Not now, we are at (his wife’s) funeral.
We are all selfish from time to time but This level of self-absorption has got to be some type of mental illness.