I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
I've begged her to go to a Nursing Home and told her that 24/7 Caregiving is killing me slowly. She replied that I have "no choice." She doesn't care if I live or die, as far as I can tell.
I do everything I can to help her. My every thought is how to make her life better, more comfortable. And all I get is complaints, rage and hate. She's mad at today's politics, hates her Doctors, hates everyone I know, hates the neighbors. She even hates the dog now. I truly believe she hates me, too. She is so horrible to me.
I don't understand it at all. She's made my home a place of misery, I cry everytime I go back inside the house from going outside. I don't want to go inside! I want to run away. I want to run away, but I'm responsible - so I don't. I stay here and make sure she is comfortable, fed and taken care of. When will this misery end?
I've prayer, I've meditated... I talked to my Doctor last week and the Doctor prescribed meds for me and said I need 2 or 3 days off a week, but there's no money for even one day off a year. And no respite is available/affordable. I hope to God I don't get any people responding me telling me to ask a Church for help. I am so sick to death of useless suggestions.
Your mother needs professional help, evaulation(s), medications to get her stabilized. Call APS they will have some ideas about this too.
"No choice" Really? I don't think so. Pack a bag. Pack two. That'll at least get you to a place where you can begin the process of leaving. Then, put 'em in the car. Still getting ready to leave-this does not have to happen all at once. Then, have your "I'm leaving" script written down, keep it short-no need for a long good bye-Mom won't care. Rehearse it. Have social services on standby-ready to come get her. If Mom still thinks you're gonna put up with her shiate, too bad. Read her your good bye. Get in the car and leave. There are many, many women's shelters that are so hidden (for obvious reasons) all over the country, a good option to think about if you have no where to stay. And, as I asked if you own your home, ask the local cops to keep an eye on it for awhile-in case there may be issues with your Mom leaving. When you do return, have all the locks changed.
I baby say my husbands grandson for two years, but knew when I had had enough poop and said please now get day care. But for me, it was poop.
I feel the same - Dad needs the care, mum is acting like having carers is the worst inconvenience int he world. I’m trying to do everything I can and its never good enough. Yesterday pushed me to the limit and I feel like packing a bag and running away from my life
Why do our parents become like this? Is it a generation thing? I can’t imagine treating my son like this - maybe that sentence will come back to haunt me.
No time off ever even though mom lives in her senior apartment.
Afraid to silence phone to rest.
Seniors taking care of older seniors is hard.
I want a day off. Just one. A full day off. One day.
When I visit him at the memory care facility, he keeps asking me what should he do. About what, I ask. No answer. He asks if he should take a bath, how he should dress for a doctor visit, how he should eat, etc. He never remembers my answers & it all starts again when I visit.
He has developed peripheral artery disease in his left foot, for which he had an angiogram with interventions last week. I don't think his foot will get better so I think we'll be looking at an amputation. This scares the daylights out of me since he will have no idea why, if it comes to that. And it will further increase his passivity & dependence.
I feel sorry for him & am anxious as there seems to be no good options at this point. Most people would say "don't go looking for trouble", but I feel like I have to look ahead & be prepared for the worst. This is what bothers me the most about caregiving - the unknown & being caught off guard when calamities happen, which makes for a very anxious life.
I think this is what most bothers me about caregiving.
I hope you are holding up as well as can be expected. Hope that if/when you read this, you had a good day. That you're not feeling too overwhelmed and able to keep going on as a caregiver. I also hope that you will know when to step back from caregiving and let the pros step in to do their work. As we often read here, it is nearly 99% impossible for one person to do it all. One word I hate is "Multi-tasking"-that should be a swear word, 'cause the clueless folks out there not doing caregiving think that....you can: take a loved one to the doctor's office, make sure the right meds are at the pharmacy and pick them up, maybe another doctor's appointment, make a meal, clean that one part of the house where the dust bunnies are openly mocking you with their antics, grocery shop, take care of household pets, chat with your loved one-just to make sure they're not declining too much-or yell at your loved one-'cause somehow they now blame you for everything wrong in the world and it's all your fault, and then your phone rings and another doctor's office would like a word with you about stuff, you think you're loosing your mind-nope-it's "only stress"....annddd on and on....
Watch me cook, pick, prod at plate, pour 3 tablespoons of salt on (it's fake salt) without tasting, where my "linen "napkin, meal is now toooo salty, do you have any salmon, where's the cheesecake, I'm not hungry. ..
AHHHHHH
The lack of me. Not knowing who I am anymore, what I used to like/love before I got into THIS. Not being able to consider, acknowledge and appreciate my very own wishes, talents and skills anymore. Being a human mould to somebody else's needs and fears, not knowing when it will end.
That my own 16 year old son suffers from me not being there for him when he needs me. I feel I am giving all my energy to the wrong direction: to the past (my parents) who will die soon instead of the future (my son) who will blossom. This elderly care lasting for years & years feels wrong, perverted and unnatural. It bothers me that with 50+ years I inhabit more the role of a daughter than I inhabit the role of a mother.
Sometimes I feel like Charon setting dying folks over the river Styx just that it is not a river but some never ending ocean. I am so exhausted.
I rather think you are setting a really good example for your son, of being a care giver. Can the two of you have a weekly five or ten minute chat? No distractions, just a quiet couple of minutes to talk.
Since you've refernced Charon, perhaps re-read a good translation of Homer's Odyssey-dude was trying for 20 years to get home. Greeks knew a thing or two about persistance.
I hear you, and 90% of these family helpers are unpaid women. This is a scandal.