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hugs everyone! here i am again, posting on this topic.

LO is behaving worse than ever. but it’s probably a good thing. i heard many things, like “i hate you”…

probably good to hear it.

i did millions of things to help.

i always prefer to know the truth. and it makes a lot of sense to me that LO hates me. indeed, the opposite would surprise me.

i’m tempted, just as some people wrote on this website, to throw in the towel.

there must be a way out for me:
to live my life well, without narcs…
but LO will always be a narc. LO is psychologically torturing me more than ever. why? because unfortunately i ended up here (i was supposed to go back to my home after 9 days), much longer, because an emergency happened. i helped with it and stayed.

now i’m not so useful to LO anymore, so LO’s behavior is even worse. i already solved the emergency.

there must be a way.

why is LO so terrible right now? because yesterday i said, please say “please” to me, “thanks”. she absolutely treats me like a servant and enjoys that it upsets me.

she likes angering me, provoking me.

typical narc.

hugs everyone.
i’m just venting.
as many others, i’ve found this website verrry useful, caring, kind.

my brain must be able to figure out a way out.

maybe throw in the towel?

it would be a bit sad. but in a way, maybe i should.

i probably won’t, because i believe i indeed should help my LOs. right now, tempted to go away and not return. (she would love that. this way i break off contact with other LO too).

hug.
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Santalynn Sep 2021
My Narcissistic mom was finally taken aback, momentarily, when I calmly used a word from her vocabulary describing a 'difficult person'...she'd been demanding and self-pitying, expecting me to grovel, so I said something like, "It's hard for me to help you like I'd like when you're being such a Pill." It was almost comical, as if a lightbulb went off in her because hearing her own term for a 'difficult/unpleasant person' stopped her in her tracks.
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what bothers me the most?

that the LO i help, is a narc; can be very nasty, cruel, rude towards me. if i stand up for myself, the response is rage/punishment/more rudeness/more screaming.

i have yet to figure out how to have some superhuman ability not to feel pain/hurt/anger from all of this. moreover, this rollercoaster (pain/hurt/anger) is what they (narcs) want for us.

i’d love to be genuinely happy/smiley, no matter how rude/cruel the narc is.

i’ll try.

hugs to all of us!
we all have difficult situations. courage.

bundle of joy
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LessThanZero Sep 2021
Honey,
You dont have to be a single thing. Meaning- it's OK TO STOP the abuse!!!
Its taken me so very much and so very long to realize I owe her NOTHING but to make sure she's cared for. Honestly, we're not even obligated to do THAT, bit bc we're not total shitheads, we do. That does not require taking abuse. There are homes and that is not your problem or fault if their behaviors and those who either support, encourage or just ignore, the damage its causing to you as a result.
It's a hard thing to do, but you're actually NOT OBLIGATED to take it. Or care for them. Not their disease, and definitely when you loving them is used as a leash. loving someone doesn't make you responsible.
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Being the only sibling of two who provides for my live-in dad. My sister is caring enough long distance & not hands on. I have been the one day in and day out. She is not willing to contribute if it is in any way inconvenient to her. She is verbally abusive I would be worried for him that it could possible turn physical if he left to live with her. For this reason I endure as if I were the only child he has. For me it is not possible to allow my sister to have access to my fathers care. He has even expressed he never wants to live with her. So I guess the most difficult part of caregiving is knowing I won’t ever get the break I sometimes desperately need.
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Russellboy Sep 2021
I too am the second child ...the youngest although not young but I care for my mother who has dementia and Alzheimer's she's not really that mean to me but she can really get on my nerves with her noises and antics. My sister lives out of state and I moved my mom in because she kept falling down and she lived an hour from me so I would drive to her apartment worried about if she was ok. Just couldn't do that anymore so that's why she's with me. I feel like my entire life has been pulled out from under me as I do nothing now but care for her 24/7 with a little help from my wife who really doesn't want to deal with her. But I guess I kinda know how you feel like ...how did I get here?
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Lack of respect for my senior, retirement years. Being told to "chill" by a well meaning young (70 y.o.) buddy, who is calling to at least be kind to my dad. I appreciate his kindness to my dad, but this person has no idea of the pressure I am feeling. Also, his friends who tell me this is a wonderful experience for me, such a Blessing.
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Beatty Sep 2021
I read the term *toxic positivity* somewhere recently.

I think that exactly describes what you described above.
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Not knowing what to do or if I am doing it right. At least there are some manuals and support groups now! I would hate to be doing this even 20 years ago!

Oh, and all the other stuff!
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Lack of freedom. I don't mind most parts of caregiving...just need some time for me. There's none left after caregiving. I'm in my 4th year...
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Knowing the right thing to do to meet needs but Dad With ‘soft’ Alzheimer’s dementia dx so far but is still in the gray area where he thinks he’s fine, wants to make his own care choices, believes untruths others tell him and ultimately is obstinately stubborn and uncooperative because ‘there is nothing wrong with me- except y’all won’t leave me alone’. Refuses Dr appts for further work up ( head MRI, pain clinic tx to maintain better/ safer mobility, etc). Plus he’s refusing in home morning c/g for food prep, w/eyes on companionship. He’s still too stubborn of mind and strong of body to use psychology or just be cooperative when guided along to get these done but he’s only hurting himself and us -his caregivers. Sadly this only makes me wish his disease would progress to point he may be more cooperative… but that may never happen knowing he has always had a super controlling personality pre Alzheimer’s/ dementia. It gets old quick when everything you try and do to help meet deficits is just refused over and over. Have to think of him as a child- Deep breath, count, change subject, and repeat, day after day…just wait it out.
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Sandy5691 Sep 2021
I can definitely relate. The "grey area" also means no one except me really sees the extent of the deficits. They aren't nearly as apparent during a short visit every couple months when he is clean, fed, & safely sitting in his recliner. So I'm just dramatizing, have poor coping skills, etc. I don't even mention much anymore to others. It's too discouraging to be constantly dismissed.
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The worst thing for me is sibling headbutting. I am POA and I call the shots for Mom's healthcare. My brother lives with her and is her primary caregiver but we argue CONSTANTLY, over her care. I want to get a bed for the room to make it easier to care for her (she's 94) but he doesn't want it because it will take up too much space and/or the house will look like a nursing home. We can't get qualified caregivers because they won't lift a patient for liability issues. He finds these random people on various caregiver sites. None of them has bothered to show up because they're obviously unreliable. Right now, we do the best we can with the help of 2 wonderful neighbor ladies and mom's NP comes to the house when needed. I'm beating myself up too because all I have to do is say mom goes to the hospital or nursing home but how effective will that be with Covid everywhere. So what do ya do when homecare isn't good and neither are the options. Bottom line: I'm tired of arguing, am disappointed in myself and do a LOT of praying.
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BrendaJayi Sep 2021
It has got to be frustrating for your brother or his wife to have the 24/7 caregiving responsibility and yet you have POA.

Yes, outside caregivers are unreliable and often keeping up with them and scheduling around them is more trouble than it is worth.

If you two are arguing constantly, that just makes it more stressful on everyone, including your Mom.

There are commercial beds that have some of the features of hospital beds - which are admittedly ugly. Medicare will not cover - but they may offer some compromise.

I am sorry for your family to be going through this. Nursing homes and assisted living rarely have good care. You trade one set of problems for another.
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Being the "only" and "everything" for two for ten years. It's getting more difficult as my mom and brother decline. My mom is 91, recovering from a broken hip. My brother, who lives with her, can hardly walk due to a need for knee replacement. He is on the autism spectrum: intellectually high functioning, but reclusive and growing less communicative, as time goes by. They need much assistance but insurance does not cover much for him, and my mom has a Medicare advantage plan that is just basic. I am the only "social outlet" as well as house cleaner, shopper, seamstress, barber/hairdresser, etc. and they are a package deal--one can't make it emotionally without the other. They are just happy to have me around to make life barely livable at home.
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Atwitsend4 Sep 2021
I feel your pain very much! My mom is nearly 97 with dementia and has lost most of her mobility. My brother, who lives with her, is 62. He has no job and no income. He has no physical limitations at this point, but if that should happen, I could end up in a situation like yours. He has no health insurance. I too am the only "social outlet" but he does have their groceries delivered. Anyway, has your brother/you ever looked into a health plan for him such as Fidelis? I don't know much about it but I think that the coverage is "free" in some cases. It might be worth looking into. Do you all live in the same house?
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I have no privacy and feel like a guest in my own home; I cannot be spontaneous to just go and do things; I feel like I’m on lockdown and when I do get out I have a curfew. I just can’t relax! Caregiving has changed me.
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Suffocating Sep 2021
Wow im sorry that dies suck.
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I answered this earlier, but I stand corrected. The worse thing about Caregiving are the bills, and all the battling I have to do with my Mom's Medicare Advantage Insurance company.

I am so tired of this. Just so tired of bills incorrectly being charged in the thousands, in the hundreds - and having to spend countless hours on the phone and filing grievances with her insurance company. It takes months of phone calls to solve each billing error.
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mypoormom2021 Aug 2021
I agree, although I have not fought the bills - it is too time-consuming along with a full-time job and grandchild. So much responsibility lies on the patient to take care of these matters and when unable, us poor caregivers. There is not enough time for any of it.

These medical providers take advantage and a lot of the bills are invalid - incorrect charges, services never rendered, it's shameless!!!
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I hear you loud and clear! Another problem is my controlling sister who feels the need to control every aspect of mom's life. Sister has no medical experience but calls herself a nurse practitioner without any higher education than helping little old ladies bathe and changing sheets and getting them dressed.
I on the other hand have had 2 years pre med. She refuses to listen to what i can suggest before being told she's going do it her way cause she's in control because she has poa. I'd take my mom anytime rather than my know it all controlling sister. Good luck to you!
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Here's my top 5:

1)THE MESS! Full commodes, disgusting laundry, literal garbage all over the place because nothing can be moved or thrown away
2)Not knowing when some health crisis is a performance or real
3)Being in servitude for no pay and treated with as much respect and gratitude as a pile of rotting garbage on the side of the road
4)The instigating on a daily basis because the elder wants someone to fight with
5)Not being able to have any kind of life that isn't centered around the caregiving.
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Sophiahd Aug 2021
Number 3!!! Ugh, yes!!!
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Invisibility - knowing that I am working for no one for no reason and with no prospects for improvement. I am the automaton approaching the singularity.
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peeing on the floor
moving everything in the house
24/7 care
having to watch his every move
crushing his meds because he won't swallow them any more
constantly talking
constantly on the move yesterday was falling asleep while standing
fighting with him to put pants on for 3 hour
abusive behavior
no help or phone calls from anyone
just a few of my many things living with a 62 year old early onset alzheimers husband
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Kantankorus Aug 2021
Okay Sunny, that's ONE... now name another ;-)
It's a bit like trying to reduce the magnitude of the cosmos into ONE universe.
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No days off ever, and no ability to sleep properly.

My Mom shouts my name during the night quite often if she wants her blanket off, or wants the temperature changed, etc. If I try to take a nap in the afternoon she yells "are you asleep?" and wakes me up.
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Maggie61r Sep 2021
Yes! I don't think I've had a normal night's sleep in 2 years, since this all began. Every little noise has me flying out of bed to make sure she hasn't fallen or had some other health crisis.
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Not having my brother help me so I can get some time off. I feel like my life is passing me by and Dementia can go on for years. Even though I’m venting, I don’t regret my committing to stay with Mom hopefully til she passes. I’m just really burned out
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Momheal1 Aug 2021
I agree Sheri - the hardest part for me isn’t caring for someone I love - it’s the non support from the other people in my family that honestly hurt me the most.

It’s hard to reconcile that I’m capable of 24/7 care and my sister cannot seem to make any time because she is “busy”. Hard to wrap my brain and more so my heart around my sister/ family thinking they are too busy.

Hardest reality is they don’t see us here at all. There is no excuse that I think will ever allow me to see my sister in a different light other than what she has shown me - it is sad.

I have always been a really good sister - moms stroke showed me that I am exactly whom I always said I was - “a giver” and sadly it opened my eyes up to she is who she always was “a taker”. I’m just no longer blind to it.

Hugs - your not alone 🦋
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For me, the thing that bothers me most is that I have to sneak around my own house because my MIL is so nosy, always in my business. She’ll hear me in the kitchen in the evening…

”What are you doing?” she asks.
”I’m making a snack.”
”Why?”
It takes me a second to respond, “Because I’m hungry,” because I’m like, ‘isn’t it obvious?!’

The door opens and she hears it and comes poking around. I can’t sit outside for a few minutes without her wanting to come out and sit with me, and then I feel trapped because she doesn’t want me to leave her. In a way, I feel a bit trapped in my own house and have to hide from her or else sit with her for hours on end.

Meanwhile, I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old who also need my attention, but she doesn’t seem to understand that.

“What are you doing?”
”I’m making lunch for the boys.”
”For the dogs?”
“On Peppa Pig plates? No, for the boys.”
”Oh. Too much food!”
They’re skinny but solid boys, and are growing. They will eat me out of house and home. “It’s ok,” I say, and she glares at me, muttering under her breath.

Sigh. It’s proving to be quite the education. She’s not even my own mother, my husband can’t stand her, and yet somehow I’m now her caregiver. Weird how life works out sometimes.
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dutifulwife Sep 2021
This behavior is identical to my MIL! everything I say is WHY?
I NEED to go to work now BYE! WHY? UH I have Bills to pay, OH you work? I didn't know that (have worked at present job 7 years.)
I feel i'm not alone, sorry you are feeling trapped.I totally understand your Issues,pray the Lord Takes them soon and puts them out of their Misery!
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I understand your pain. My MIL is useless. She is the most selfish person I have ever met. I love caregiving but not to her. She expects you to do everything for her while she sits and complain and pretend to not be able do for herself..I honestly see why she has any friends with a miserable life. If I had one wish it would be to put her in a nursing home quick, fast and in a hurry!
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People who think you owe them something, like my MIL. She is the worst person to care for. She wants to live independently but does nothing on her own. She sits around all day feeling sorry for herself, complaining and making a ton of excuses as to why she can't do something as simple as take a walk up the street. She relies on everyone to do everything and it irritates me..I can't stand her or doing anything for her. I honestly wish her son would put her in a nursing home, it would be easier
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Recently my mothers doctors asked me if I wanted to cut down her appointments from every four months to 10-12 months for the year. I told them it would be fine and will call if she has a problem. Appointments can get crazy and so exhausting at times.
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Sheri6185 Aug 2021
Omg I e taken my Mom to 6 Drs appointments in two months. I resent my capable brother for not stepping up especially because he’s retired and only lives 20 minutes from us
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Seeing our lives whittle down to nothing but Dr appts. Our hospital is very good at keeping my husband alive, but his quality of life has decreased to the point where he can’t do much. Meanwhile, I desperately want him to get better, but he was just diagnosed with his third cancer and we have a long road ahead. It’s exhausting.
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Going mad. He insist on things that aren’t true and Ihave to learn not to contradict.
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Hard to pick only one, but I’ll say having to set boundaries over and over and over and over and over....etc...literally nearly every single day and certainly every time we talk from a RELENTLESS senior. Boundaries are great and necessary and I’d be doomed without them but this is going past year 5 and it’s like playing tennis with concrete blocks. Utterly & profoundly mentally exhausted.

Meanwhile everyone tells me how great my mother is because she uses only me as her personal emo garbage can.

Thanks for the vent space everyone!!!
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Being told "family should help family" by a family member who had not been hands-on, not been at beck & call, not pushed a wheelchair or been on bathroom duty.
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LessThanZero Sep 2021
OMG- YES!!!!
LOVE those who like to direct the "movie" they don't even have a script for, much less any desire to read it.
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When she thanks me for my help but doesn’t acknowledge how much her son does for her. It’s like he’s supposed to do it just because he’s the son. Like it’s his duty. I know it seems petty I guess but it bothers me. I tell her he does it out of love and she should appreciate it as much as me helping her if not more.
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she wants me to quit the activities that keep me sane (volunteering / dog walking) so that I can spend maximum time and energy being a companion to her. It is frustrating because she actually thinks the things that are helping me are causing me stress.
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Absent sibling visiting and criticizing everything I have done for the last three years.
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earlybird Aug 2021
I love it when some family members don't lift a finger to help out and then give advice. Ignore them and be careful what you tell them.
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Losing hope for my future because of my health and not sure how much longer this is going to go on.
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SeaMar Aug 2021
I said this very thing to my hub. He goes to work every day and I get 4 hrs every week (2 hrs/2×a week). Today, he left early and is coming home late. She (his mother) walked right into our room, no knocking. If I would say anything, she wouldn't remember tomorrow so what's the use? I know she's going to be the death of me.
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Losing the hopes and dreams you had together for the future.
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Challengingrole Aug 2021
Yes! This causes me great sadness, too. I’m so sorry and I hope good things are ahead for you despite your current circumstances.
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