Marialake Asked April 2014
What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?
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Feeling concerned about home safety and how my father would respond to an emergency situation, I asked "What would you do if I collapsed right now in the middle of the room?"
"Hmm", my father replied, apparently giving the matter serious contemplation,
"I would have to find somewhere else to live".
Yep, I guess that sums up pretty well where his priorities sit!
Although devastating to hear, I couldn't help but have a little chuckle to myself afterwards. Don't we all perceive things differently, after all?
Folks say not to take it seriously or to heart, but it's very hard not to when she screams and brings it up. Every. Day.
Now, it's just nothing. I have to tap his arm and have him look at me when I try to talk to him, and it's just a blank stare or a comment that has nothing to do with what I said
I only hear from them when they want me to do something or to complain about how I do it. They send group texts and emails complaining about me and lying about me and insulting me, then they don't understand why I am done with all of this. They get angry about things that I had nothing to do with, and take it out on me. I'm tired of being threatened and bullied.
My FIL won’t ask for anything. He could be thirsty and not ask for water, and when I bring him some he says thank goodness, I was so thirsty! Or the TV shuts off and he sits in front of a blank screen instead of letting me know. Or sits in a room bundled up instead of asking to turn up the heat. Or once accidentally turned his space heater in his room overnight so it was 89 in there! But he doesn’t say anything. So, it requires I constantly anticipate his needs, read his body language, and even the tone of his voice. Sometimes he says no and it means no and sometimes it means yes, but I don’t want to bother you. Yesterday, I told him it was time for a haircut and he said that it was about time, his hair has been bothering him for a week (I am expected to mind-read, lol). Yet he will tell my BIL we keep the house too cold/hit, or is tired of eggs for breakfast or this or that bothers him. I know it’s not personal because he has done the same thing when he visits my BIL.
The other is DH who checks out when he comes home from work. Gets on his computer and doesn’t pay attention to or talk to his dad. Sometimes he can go days without even really looking at him. I am almost always the one who picks up on a problem or a need. He loves his dad but they just don’t communicate. I try and make conversation but when DH does, his dad really perks up. Sometimes his dad tries to make conversation and DH answers with a sentence and then turns on the TV. It makes me sad. I ask him to turn the TV down and carry on the conversation with his dad.
Yup I get that very much. My dad waits for me to notice or figure out that he needs/wants something. I’ve developed a seventh sense tuned just to him; my “Spidey sense” has saved his life more than 5 times at least. My bf has lived with us about a year and a half now and he still doesn’t always engage with my dad in a way that works. He’ll speak too softly for my dad to hear when greeting him or not see that he needs help with something because he’s looking at his phone. I told my bf he will never learn to see my dad if he doesn’t really look at him. He takes care of him only if I ask. I think it’s because his grandparents were very self sufficient until into their 90s and he doesn’t see my dad as needing much help as long as he’s up and walking about.
He often asks, "How am I going to get to...?" And I say, "I have to work, so please call a cab."
"But will they charge me?"
"Yes, Dad, but only a few dollars because it's only two blocks away."
"Oh, ok. I'll do that..."
Three days later, we do that again. He has NEVER called the cab. He calls me and asks me to call him a cab or an Uber, becuase he knows if I do it will be on my credit card. Meanwhile, he gets a lot of government help and has a lot of money in the bank...and under his mattress. Cheap bastard. He never sent my mom one cent in child support in 18 years either, but always tries to convince me she's the one who is lying. Ugh!
Example: yesterday Mum was praising my Cluster B sister for being such a good mother. I reminded her that the same sister stole money from her own kids (money we both gave them) and got a large sum from Mum. Mum responded by reminding me about the time my late father paid off my loan, and I reminded her that I paid him back, and she attacked me, asking "So are you saying you knew my husband better than I knew him?!" I reminded her she knew because I gave the repayments to her personally. I could see she remembered but was pretending not to. She changed subject to "the time you ran away with" (a guy, when I was young). I reminded her I did it to escape from the toxic atmosphere at home. She said we were all a happy family and totally minimised it. And the fight went on...in her head anyway. I just walked out of the room.
She made me Durable POA because she does not trust anyone else in the family with her finances but she resents me. When I say I am leaving after the pandemic lockdown, she cries and says she will not be able to manage without me, will be robbed by my sisters and bullied by them...
I feel guilty saying this but I'm glad I can get it out. This is my first post. Thank God I found you guys.
Before all his health issues started for years I had been actively trying to dislocate myself from him and have better boundaries to protect my mental health. Now
I am his legal guardian. Yes, he has been evaluated multiple times. Yes, 5 physicians, 2 psychologists, and 2 judges all deemed him incapacitated. Would I rather my dad be able to live on his own and take care of himself heck yes! But those are not the cards that we were dealt. My relationship with my dad is definitely not perfect. It’s not even a good relationship. I’m not especially close to him for my own personal reasons but he’s my dad, and I wouldn’t abandon him. Especially when he needs someone to help him with these new challenges. It is what it is. I’m just trying to be the best advocate for him. He fights me constantly.
I just want to scream Tough S*#$ You’re stuck with me and it’s either me taking care of you or the state. Be thankful it’s me! I’m certain no matter where I placed him, no matter how nice it was he’d still complain about everything! Like the man didn’t give 2 poops about taking care of my mom’s and his house. Nor did he care about eating healthier or his health in general.
lastly I am a firm believer that it’s ok to dislocate yourself from unhealthy relationships, even if they’re your parents.
Thanks all! Spring is just around the corner! Gotta Keep Swimming!
It sounds to me like you have exactly the same relationship with your father that I have with my mother who I am caregiver to. The constant complaining and total misery all the time no matter what. It's only for us though. We're their whipping posts. They're nice as pie to everyone else. All the nasty, vicious, downright mean BS is saved for us. You know what else? I got treated like this all my life by my mother and you probably did too by your father. It's called being the family scapegoat. They take it out on someone and it's us. We're the family dumping ground. I find it to be an irony that most of the time we're the ones who end as their caregivers with all the responsibility of them put on us. Not on our siblings that they jumped through hoops for all their lives, but on the one they really couldn't care less about. Life can be a real pisser sometimes and don't people like us know it.
Many times in this group, I say that caregiving can only work if it's done on the caregiver's terms and not on the elderly parent's. You don't have to put up with as much as you think if you don't want to.
I asked several of my mother's numerous doctors and specialists (the list is like the Mayo Clinic up in here) if she has dementia. I had reason to ask. None of them think so. In fact, one of them took me aside and said he's seen in many seniors with total mental clarity, a kind of 'selective dementia' that's a piece of performance art for their family caregiver. An act like they don't understand and can't comprehend when it comes to something they simply don't want to do themselves. Like being put on hold during a telephone call. Or paying attention themselves to what the doctor is telling them during an appointment. Or getting themselves something to eat because they want to be waited on by you instead. I make my mother do for herself in the ways she's able to. She can't drive anymore and has some mobility issues so I help with things like this. I won't wait on hold with the insurance company for an hour to straighten out her coverage. She can still do that.
You're not alone in your situation. So many of us in this group are exactly where you are.
2nd: My mother has taken over my life. She thinks I’m her sister, best friend, and thinks all my friends are hers now. She wants to go every where I go. She monopolizes all dinner conversations with my husband. She acts like she has been the one married to him for 43 years.
I really hope you are able to find ways to help you not to just cope but flourish in. If not, you may have to re-think your circumstances and come up with a new strategy! Remember that you count too. Sometimes we forget in the midst of the storm that we matter too!
Sending you hugs!!!
NO NO NO
a previous suggestion was someone take a week, the other the next, meaning every other week, and talking moving in.
i know this isn’t much but I have read here over and over and over what happens , I am thankful for the knowledge here.
there’s no solution to that — they never change. the attacks, abuse never stops; on the contrary, might get worse with time.
they feel good, when they attack verbally, blame/criticize/invent/lie about things to criticize. they know they’re wrong. they know very well they’re the problem, and not sweet, kind you. but they enjoy it: putting you down, trying to destroy you.
there are things that can’t be done without the cooperation of the abuser, where contact is necessary: hence, low contact/no contact isn’t possible.
they want to make you miserable.
they target you, but treat others well.
it’s evil.
it takes days/weeks to recover from verbal attacks. by then you’re damaged, and there’s been a new verbal attack.
don’t let them “win”. for them, this is about “winning”, trampling on you, seeing you sad/mad, etc.
they’re sadistic.
if you can somehow still smile, flourish under such
circumstances...
i wish us courage, strength, hope and good solutions to our various situations!
hug!!
If he doesn't, tell him to get a life and p***off.
Are you POA for your elderly parents.? Sorry about all the questions but its one thing to be saddled looking after them but not your brother who clearly does nothing to help you.
The reason I'm angry about your plight is, because I'm angry with my siblings who do bugger all to help me with my father, and just give useless platitudes that do nothing to solve the situation. I don't know your circumstances but I feel terrible for you.
Please look after you. 🙏
Heck, I was able to forget labor and childbirth enough to have two more kids, so I'll hope it works the same way. ;-)
please stop by to vent, ask questions,etc. there are a lot of wise women and men here who have walked the walk and most give such awesome advice.
blessings to all who walk this caregivers path!!!!
We can raise our children the same but they are individuals that have their own perspective on life, which is a good thing. I raised my girls to be independent thinkers.
I was having a few challenges with my youngest daughter.
She was the kind of kid who didn’t take anything at face value.
I took them once a week to the library. My girls inhaled books!
She would ask me to drive her to the library to get more books. The library was closed. This kid didn’t believe me!
In frustration, I drove her to the library and allowed her to try to open the locked door.
Hahaha, she looked at me and nonchalantly said, “Mom, they are closed.” She had her proof and I had my sanity! Luckily, it was a short drive to my library.
My oldest daughter took everything at face value. She never questioned the library not being open.
We are all unique individuals that see things our own way. We will rub others the wrong way at times and they will work on our nerves, whether they are our kids, parents, neighbors, etc.
I don’t think we can ever avoid friction! Sometimes we just want to scream. I wonder why the ‘scream therapy’ of the 60’s didn’t stick around. Hahaha 🤣. Maybe therapist were getting headaches and going deaf! I remember John Lennon and Yoko participating in that type of therapy.
It’s so much harder with parents than children! Children grow up! They leave!
I think having parents live with us is a much bigger challenge than anything else.
It certainly was the toughest job that I ever had!
It would be a variety of things depending on what was happening at that time.
If I was forced to pick just one it would have to be witnessing pain as the absolute worst thing.
I do not handle seeing someone in pain very well.
Today I drove 1-1/2 hours to go to the doctor for me (not Mom, not my husband). Since I was going to be in that town I went ahead and coordinated some other appointments (service the van, get supportive shoes for my painful feet). Left at 9 a.m., got home at 3 p.m.
In the meantime, my mother got out of bed by herself (despite the full length rails) between 9:30 and 10 (my husband checked at 9:30 and she was asleep but was out of bed at 10). Bath aide came at 10:30 and got her dressed (assuming she also cleaned her up since my husband said he didn't). My sister came by at 2 on her way home from her doctor's appointment and said Mom had no diaper on and was totally wet. She took care of that and also did a "spaaaah treatment" (nothing on Mom's bottom half except for a blanket, with warm air blowing under it to help with the diaper rash).
After my sister left and we had our dinner, I checked Mom's room to make sure I had all her laundry before I started the washer. Smelled urine. Felt the floor and it wasn't wet. Checked her bed and evidently Mom made her bed without taking the wet pad off (probably totally unaware she was wet). So I stripped the bed and put sheets in the washer too.
Hmmm, it sounds like I'd complain if I was hung with a new rope, doesn't it - because I really did have a lot of help. It's just frustrating that I'm the only one who either noticed the pee smell or looked to see where it came from. I feel like I shouldn't go anywhere at all.
Now that I've said/written it and read it, I realize how very blessed I am to have had the help I had. If I had a friend who was in the same situation, I'd probably say "get a grip, girlfriend. Your husband, bath aide and sister enabled you to be able to go out for a day to run errands. Be thankful Mom had someone with her and took care of her obvious needs." Sometimes self-compassion requires a reality check instead of a pity party.
I do appreciate this forum. I feel so much better since I found it a few weeks ago. I don't feel totally alone and unsupported anymore and it has helped my emotional health enormously!
Blessings to all of you for listening!
The days when it feels like I’m on solo...I know it would be overwhelming much without my family supporting the journey with love. Thank you for the shift and the moment to bask in gratitude.