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The constant complaints. She is miserable 88 year old mother , of one , child, me, who is 56 and trying her best . I hate it that she is so lonely and I visit every other day . I talk to her a lot just to check in . She really has no one other than me . She has outlived all of her friends and family . She can’t even cry about it . We talked about it to her doctor and she only said that aging is not for sissys . She didn’t discuss how to help . No meds . I talked with the doctor a year ago about it and she really didn’t like giving meds to elderly; afraid of falls . Mom constantly wants to move in with my husband and I but that will not happen. I keep telling her that but she keeps telling me that . Just caught. Her physical health food . No Dementia. Just can’t get out of bed and do stuff like she use to do. Just miserable in her , how ever, many , last years. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to to deal with and my father died with cancer .
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2020
Don't move her in your home. Your life as you know it will be over if you do.
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I think there are many things that bother me about care-giving. Picking one to be what bothers me 'most' is hard. I think it would probably be the deep well of suffocating "aloneness" and weight of "responsibility" I feel. Even with all the help I have and the input I welcome from others, in the end, when it's all said and done the choices made and actions taken are all ON me.
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Having my mother constantly apologize for being a pain. That's why I'm here she is my mother!
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For me, the most difficult thing is the egoism of the person I care for. He cares only himself, it is very annoying. But when I'm not angry, the hardest thing for me is to watch how he gets worse.
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Unitetogether Jan 2020
Ahh, I hear ya. They do seem to focus on themselves. That is why we need to focus on US. Take care of ourselves to. I care for my husband. It's hard, sad, lonely, and helps to talk to others in the same boat trying to stay a float..
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I feel like a prisoner. My 102 year old grandmother is hateful and passive aggressive. My husband and I had a grandson and a great-grandson born this month and can’t even go see them. We live in MI and most of the rest of the family lives in KY. They don’t even call her, much less help in any way. I am in a bad place today and need to stop before spewing a volume of negativity and tears. 😥😡🤮
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notrydoyoda Jan 2020
I am so sorry to hear of the bondage that you are in. You are not alone, I have read such stories from other grandchildren here. Where are her own children? They should be taking care of her not you. Does she have money to pay for her own care?
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The selfishness of the patient.

I have a relative who is pretty self-centered. When her daughter was in the hospital dying of cancer, the mother hollered out "WHO is going to take care of ME now?"

That was several years ago. She has gotten worse, and she does not even have dementia.
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I had someone come from an agency to talk to my dad about home care. He's not willing to pay for it though.
Plan B, I need to make myself scarce, so he sees the need for it.
I just feel bad leaving him all alone, he's lonely. But making him rely on me is not helpful either.
Maybe I can find someone from the neighborhood he can talk to.

My dream is for dad to sell his house and move to Assisted Living where he can make friends. I hope and pray G-d willing.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2020
That’s tough. It really is. I wish you well.
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It really bothers me that when I look at my husband of 52 years, he is just a fraction of the man I married. I am a retired nurse and have dealt with demenita and Alz for over 30 years. I feel guilty that I resent that he has developed this disease. I know it is not his fault, but I am 13 years younger than him. He retired 20 years ago, me just 3 years ago. I resent that he cannot be left alone for any amount of time that he get anxious to where I am and what I am doing. He follows me around like a little child and acts like a little child most of the time. He gets angry and wants to argue about everything. He refuses to wear his hearing aids and I have to yell at him most of the time, just to carry on a conversation. Although conversation is very limited as he usually only wants to tell me about negative things that happened in his childhood and years before we were married. He can't remember from 9am in the morning until 5pm at night. No matter how many times I tell him something he does not remember it. I am going to try and find a help group around me, as I don't know how I am going to cope with this. I know I sound like a selfish person. But I am not. I spend my time doing for others all the time. I just feel cheated.
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Countrymouse Jan 2020
"Cheated" is a good word for it, actually. You and your husband have both had a mean trick played on you, I'm sure you won't find anyone here arguing about that.

Yes, build that support network as fast as you can! I'm sure that you, as a retired nurse, will contribute as much as it gives you, but that's a win:win.
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Almost all the Alzheimer’s patients are that way,
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My 85 year old dad lives with me and is very pleasant....doesn't need or ask for much. I'm 45 and a 21-year Navy Retiree and I feel very guilty about trying to have a life when my dad doesn't have one. He's a fall risk so he is limited in what he can and cannot do. He cant drive, his eyesight is bad even after cataract surgery and is hard of hearing, BUT doesn't want hearing aids and cannot understand technology of any sort to include a cell phone..ipad...barely a remote control. He only has a niece and an ex-girlfriend who calls him maybe every couple of months...other than that it's only his care provider (17 hrs a week) and me. I want to travel more...visit my children...visit friends who are also retired...live my life. I feel guilty when I do leave the house for any reason. I dont feel close to him..the bond isn't there or I'd WANT to spend time with him. He repeats himself and always talks about things that are silly to me. I'm very dissapointed that he made poor choices throughout his whole life, gave away about 30K to women, didn't pay into a retiree pension, never remarried, etc...These days I practically live in my room and I'm very sad. I'm more sad that I'm a selfish woman and cannot give my dad the love that he needs. Please pray for us, thank you.
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GloriaHoward Jan 2020
You're shouldering a very heavy burden and it's wearing you down. As another who is walking on a similar path, I know what you're going through. You asked for prayer. Best place to go with your problems - but let me say this in all sincerity: Don't give up. Don't fall on your sword and let his end of life take you down with him. You must fight to keep your identity and the best way I know is to seek the Lord, and stay as focused on him as possible. Not only will the Holy Spirit keep you lifted up, Jesus knows what's happening. Let him carry the burden and ask for mental rest, as well as protection. As believers, we know who is attacking us, our resolve and enjoying our distress. No matter what, take time to read your Bible. Pray without ceasing and ask for His guidance. Know in your heart, you are doing your best, and God will honor/bless you. Nothing is hopeless or impossible for the Lord. Do not fall victim to human, "the flesh" definitions of selfishness. If that were true, he'd be in assisted living and you wouldn't have posted. It is a tough responsibility but if you couldn't do it, God wouldn't have allowed you to be there. You're tired, stressed and also need a recharge moment.
Take it one hour at a time if necessary, but focus on God. HE will help you. You will be remembered in prayer. Hang in there.
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I do everything for my mom but she never says thank you and acts like my non involved siblings are fine but not doing a thing to help. I work 60 hours a week plus take care of her. I’m exhausted all the time.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
So sorry, Monica. I get it. I had the same deal. I finally told my mom to go live with my brother.
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What bothers me most about caregiving is, no matter what i do, it wont change the course of her Alzheimers Disease. So i love her unconditionally, i hold her close to me when i know she is afraid, and i make sure that no matter how tired, drained, angry or frustrated i feel, i make sure the only thing she sees is love. Everyday its a struggle, but i wouldnt change the time i have had and continue to have with her. Everyday we create new memories as the old ones are lost to her.

Thank you to all the caregivers for all that you do. It is a thankless job, but you do the best that you can do and noone can fault you for that. I am 39 yrs old. I have been caring for my mom for 17 yrs now. My life has been Mom, work and home, no husband, no children, 6 other brother and sisters that never cared enough to offer help. I have had to fight the system to try and get help in the home which i have finally succeeded. I am a Registered nurse by trade and have been very fortunate to have the means to care for her although overwhelming and tough at times as the bills dont stop coming. I stopped working and devoted my time to her full time for the past 3 yrs as she suffered a massive stroke which left her bedbound, with a feeding tube. Tomorrow on 12/29 with God's grace, she will be 89 yrs young.
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kbuser Dec 2019
Your mom is so blessed to have you as her daughter and caregiver! Your dedication and pure love touch my heart, you are such a wonderful person
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The self centered attitude is strong in my MIL too, but really the worst thing is having no time for me at all ever. Even when I sit down to watch a 30 minute sitcom, she’s asking for something, walking slowly by in between me & the TV, or making sad noises in the other room. My ToDo lists are full of things more for others than myself. Sometimes I will just sit in the basement or outside, just to take a moment but thoughts of her well being never leave my mind. As an extreme introvert, I need my alone time. I don’t get it anymore though.
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What bothers me most is the effect an aging loved one puts on the family as a whole emotionally and financially.
My family life has been changed due to not being available for them while handling caregiver duties for mother with dementia. My mother is resentful and mad because of her situation and family upset because not there for them. And I’m just here trying to maintain a balance. It’s stressful and lonely at times.
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kbuser Dec 2019
I totally agree. Every day brings new stress, siblings are detached and only concerned about their inheritance and I find it nearly impossible to stay connected with only 5 hours of respite a week
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I hope everyone had a good Christmas Day and it was stress free. It was a good day for me, but the constant uphill battles of caregiving are extremely stressful. Mom didn’t have to do anything...nothing at all and I made sure of that! Christmas Eve, she asked for a cheeseburger. I took her one of the best from Five Guys with some fries, in between last minute shopping, along with toilet paper that she needed, cranberry juice and some Azo. She ate her cheeseburger, fries and indicated her UTI symptoms were subsiding. Her mood was good. Then Christmas Day, I called to wish her a good day early afternoon and then took her 2 plates of food I made, including Honeybaked Ham slices, green beans, corn casserole, potato salad, and cheesecake tarts for dessert. She ate most of it and dranked some juice. She was again in an okay mood and seemed very relaxed. The most relaxed I’ve seen her in months. I gave her a few gifts (socks), a Poinsettia...nothing special because I knew she wasn’t in the Christmas mood (with depression). I kept it really low key and as always adjusting my mood to match hers, which is low. Today, I called around 7pm, the usual time I call to check-in and see how her day went and to see if she had her 2nd plate to eat and once again, she sounds miserable. She didn’t eat at all and sat in her chair all day. She only had to heat up the plate in the microwave and couldn’t do that. She barely talked to me and seemed frustrated. I bet she wasn’t happy about having to eat leftovers. I struggled to get a conversation going, but it was mostly “oh’s” and “uh-huh’s”. There are times when she can laugh and conduct a two-way conversation, but today I was expecting a bit more and it was like she was mad at me. I will stick with my plans to wait until Saturday to take some food and visit. I’m not happy about the food waste and get upset that I try my best to get her to eat and drink, but she only seems to do so when I’m there or if the food is exceptional. I think if I wait a few days, she’ll eventually do it and eat leftovers. I feel guilty that I can’t do more than I do, but I’m praying that she eventually tells me what will work best for her because I’m not a mind reader. Just saying ‘miserable’ doesn’t help me. Let’s fix it! She doesn’t want in-home care, AL, or daycare. I need to continue to work full-time, so my support will be somewhat limited. It’s team ‘can’t win’ everyday and I’m just losing at caregiving. It’s just me and only me...no help, aside from meals on wheels, which she doesn’t like too much.
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Oh yes!! These illnesses have the trademark of selfishness. They will not care about the caretakers. Empathy goes away first.
i learned to keep my money, some clothes ready outside (somewhere else), some packaged protein bars in my drawers.
my mother would get furious if I caught a cold, or if I hurt myself from work.
Empathy gone, remember.
Keep for yourself and stay safe.

Onlywhenlucid
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Every Single thing! This disease isn't like cancer or hip surgery or bronchitis. This disease is like a diamond; and not in a good way that has so many interconnected facets, you cannot pick Just one without saying "...and also..." It's a downward spiral that takes all those involved with it.
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The strained family dynamics that get further exacerbated when dealing with an ill loved one. The lack of empathy, criticism, ignorance and selfishness among family members is disappointing. At least with my ill loved one's behavior can mainly be blamed on his illness, but what are my family members' excuse?
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anonymous1000836 Jan 2020
Wow I feel like you described my family. Earlier last year I sat with my mom day and night in the hospital and a few times I thought she was dying. Unresponsive and couldn't wake up. I sat there all alone while my siblings were home in their beds. Its extremely lonely caregiving and the sacrifices r endless including your own health. I wish I had answers. I struggle with a selfish family too, and an angry mom.
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I was bothered the most by the memories of abuse that had long been buried. For some reason, these memories came as she continued to decline. I shared these with my therapist who helped me through all of this. She's dead now and I have not shed a tear or been back to visit her grave but once.
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FrazzledMama Dec 2019
The memories of abuse bothered me too. My mom, after she awoke in the hospital after being in a diabetic coma several years ago, told me some disturbing things I never knew. It was really hard to hear and process. I really wished she hadn't told me, but she was not in her right mind at the time. Therapy did help me as well.
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Put my post in the wrong place sorry.
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The thing that bothers me most is I'm bored to tears talking with my mother.
She is 90, in memory care, I'm 70. I completed an advanced degree and had a career for 45+ years. I retired at age 69 and was immediately swept into caring for two parents who had a long, carefree retirement in FL, but came back to WI when they developed medical issues and wanted their kids nearby. Thought they would be able to stay in their 1950's house (no updates) on a high maintenance acre. Never had to care for any of their parents or relatives. Dad passed on after a year of hell (property maintenance, falls, incontinence, oxygen tank, morphine administration, open wound care, general nastiness to me and my brother who did all the care giving until he went to hospice.)

My mother barely completed high school, got married, had a bunch of kids, never held a job outside the home. She let my dad and the parish priest make ALL the decisions for her. No intellectual curiosity at all. No hobbies. No interests. No adult friends that she maintained. Admits neighborhood and family gossip is what she thrives on. I don't have any memories of her as a mother. Didn't teach me any domestic skills at all--none. I learned that all on my own. Mom consistently got in the way of Dad and I having necessary financial discussions (he made some bad decisions that I had to "fix.") She didn't want to hear about money or anything remotely "unpleasant." She operated under the premise that ignoring issues will solve them.

I visit her at the memory care, used to be 3-4 days per week and I could feel my brain cells dying from the boredom. She continually repeats the same questions, several times a minute. Does not recognize that dad is gone, says she sees him. Ask me where he is multiple times a minute for hours on end. Wants to gossip about family members, in a constant repeating loop. I have absolutely nothing in common with this woman. When I get away from there, I'm in such a bad mood that my husband, who is still working full time, says I should cut back on the visits. He's tired of hearing about mom.
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notrydoyoda Dec 2019
BBS2019,

I agree with your husband. Cut back on the visits and shorten them. If you find that is impossible to do, see a therapist to vent to and get some supportive guidance. Spouses can't do therapy for their own spouse.
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One thing...that's a laugh. Everything about it bothers me.
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mudslidemary Jan 2020
You are so right. It all bothers me also.
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The thing that bothers me the most about caregiving is that after 8 years of taking care of my mother with vascular dementia, I have not learned to accept her condition and to empathize with her. I want to be a better caregiver to her, but I don't know how. Any suggestions?
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Lvnsm1826 Dec 2019
Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent
https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X
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Constant negativity: the room is too hot or too cold; not enough salt on her eggs; this hurts, that hurts, everything hurts; gas on her stomach; a new pain when she wiggles her left big toe a certain way; her current audiobook is stupid, the TV show is stupid; if it's sunny it's "too bright," and if it's cloudy it's "so gray and gloomy out there!"

Once she said, "Oh, God, I'm so miserable!" to which I couldn't help but respond, "You certainly are!" (And I'll draw the curtain now on the drama that ensued...)

Makes me want to hang myself in the attic some days. Thank God for my husband, who can make you laugh about just about anything.
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HelpPlease1963 Dec 2019
Uiur comment about hanging yourself is funny; I guess your husband’s humor has rubbed off . That made me laugh and I don’t do that much any more . My mother doesn’t have aches and pains . She is better right now but in the last year , since this starter, when she was critical of me , I guess feelings from when I was kid emerged , and I would go crazy and tell her exactly what I thought about her and our situation. I’d cry and apologize. My mother is so miserable and tells me daily because she is soooooo lonely. She is 88 and outlived the nice members of the family and her friends. She has just given up living and sometimes vocalizing she wants to die . I tell her that she really doesn’t want to die but she doesn’t want to live either . Her brain is broken .
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The utter lack of appreciation is my biggest frustration by far.
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Exveemon Nov 2019
Yes. Emphatically. No matter how many hours you spend with them...each visit is predicated with a "you don't visit/do enough"

Its really frustrating to visit parents and be met with this complaint each time.
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Love it. Completely normal. Please take care of yourself!! It will make the job easier. And when it's over you will still have some things normal.
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Knowing it is the disease and it still doesn’t help..
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The manipulation and always being on guard for it.
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Runningaway1 Nov 2019
Great manipulators are only controlled by boundaries. See the play and ignore it. Teflon. The thing is, we have to turn off our automatic reactions. My mom loves to rupture her colostomy bag so I can clean it up. My hearing is going.....out to my car I go. She would turn the cold water on when I got a chance for a shower and scald me, until she found the shower door off and leaning against a wall so I could get out easier. She doesn't hear it when I tell her anything about my health and my cancer because it's a one way street. When was doing the right thing ever about saving yourself??
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Seeing my mother in pain. My dad has stated this week that he went to Japan and India (WOW, Hospice is really financially generous in sending their patients to foreign countries...Sorry, trying to lighten the mood, so I don't start crying.) and today he stated that we are going to get rid of a certain dictator (The one that starts with H and caused WW2) soon. I just got off the phone with mom and she's crying a lot tonight. Whenever she tells me what is going on, I get depressed. Whenever she cries, I cry, too. I also cry over my dad whenever she is not around. So for now, I am avoiding movies about losing parents, etc. It's been helping so far, I only wish that my avoiding sad movies would help save my dad's life. (It won't happen)
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Timyom Nov 2019
It is sad indeed.....it is a catch 22 for me.....telling my daughter about her mother....and not wanting to tell her....she only sees her a couple of times a year....so...if I hold back too much....well....it is just not good...
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Being the only one to do it and being mocked by 5 siblings who won't lift a finger for being tired. "She says she's tired! Hahahaha"
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lizzy1952 Nov 2019
hi
I just saw your reply and I would like to say I thought I had it bad having four sisters that wouldn't lift a finger to help in any way shape or form. didn't call stop by or even come to their wake and/or funeral. you have 5 siblings who wouldn't lift a finger. god bless you and all of the hard and painful work you do.
I wrote off my sisters all of them as being my family. family sticks together , helps each other, is there for each other always. in my book they are x-sisters.
my father died and I was holding him telling him I loved him and my mom died also in my arms three weeks later. my sisters are the ones who lost out. I got to love and be with them till their last breath........
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