I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
I have a relative who is pretty self-centered. When her daughter was in the hospital dying of cancer, the mother hollered out "WHO is going to take care of ME now?"
That was several years ago. She has gotten worse, and she does not even have dementia.
Plan B, I need to make myself scarce, so he sees the need for it.
I just feel bad leaving him all alone, he's lonely. But making him rely on me is not helpful either.
Maybe I can find someone from the neighborhood he can talk to.
My dream is for dad to sell his house and move to Assisted Living where he can make friends. I hope and pray G-d willing.
Yes, build that support network as fast as you can! I'm sure that you, as a retired nurse, will contribute as much as it gives you, but that's a win:win.
Take it one hour at a time if necessary, but focus on God. HE will help you. You will be remembered in prayer. Hang in there.
Thank you to all the caregivers for all that you do. It is a thankless job, but you do the best that you can do and noone can fault you for that. I am 39 yrs old. I have been caring for my mom for 17 yrs now. My life has been Mom, work and home, no husband, no children, 6 other brother and sisters that never cared enough to offer help. I have had to fight the system to try and get help in the home which i have finally succeeded. I am a Registered nurse by trade and have been very fortunate to have the means to care for her although overwhelming and tough at times as the bills dont stop coming. I stopped working and devoted my time to her full time for the past 3 yrs as she suffered a massive stroke which left her bedbound, with a feeding tube. Tomorrow on 12/29 with God's grace, she will be 89 yrs young.
My family life has been changed due to not being available for them while handling caregiver duties for mother with dementia. My mother is resentful and mad because of her situation and family upset because not there for them. And I’m just here trying to maintain a balance. It’s stressful and lonely at times.
i learned to keep my money, some clothes ready outside (somewhere else), some packaged protein bars in my drawers.
my mother would get furious if I caught a cold, or if I hurt myself from work.
Empathy gone, remember.
Keep for yourself and stay safe.
Onlywhenlucid
She is 90, in memory care, I'm 70. I completed an advanced degree and had a career for 45+ years. I retired at age 69 and was immediately swept into caring for two parents who had a long, carefree retirement in FL, but came back to WI when they developed medical issues and wanted their kids nearby. Thought they would be able to stay in their 1950's house (no updates) on a high maintenance acre. Never had to care for any of their parents or relatives. Dad passed on after a year of hell (property maintenance, falls, incontinence, oxygen tank, morphine administration, open wound care, general nastiness to me and my brother who did all the care giving until he went to hospice.)
My mother barely completed high school, got married, had a bunch of kids, never held a job outside the home. She let my dad and the parish priest make ALL the decisions for her. No intellectual curiosity at all. No hobbies. No interests. No adult friends that she maintained. Admits neighborhood and family gossip is what she thrives on. I don't have any memories of her as a mother. Didn't teach me any domestic skills at all--none. I learned that all on my own. Mom consistently got in the way of Dad and I having necessary financial discussions (he made some bad decisions that I had to "fix.") She didn't want to hear about money or anything remotely "unpleasant." She operated under the premise that ignoring issues will solve them.
I visit her at the memory care, used to be 3-4 days per week and I could feel my brain cells dying from the boredom. She continually repeats the same questions, several times a minute. Does not recognize that dad is gone, says she sees him. Ask me where he is multiple times a minute for hours on end. Wants to gossip about family members, in a constant repeating loop. I have absolutely nothing in common with this woman. When I get away from there, I'm in such a bad mood that my husband, who is still working full time, says I should cut back on the visits. He's tired of hearing about mom.
I agree with your husband. Cut back on the visits and shorten them. If you find that is impossible to do, see a therapist to vent to and get some supportive guidance. Spouses can't do therapy for their own spouse.
https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent/dp/038079750X
Once she said, "Oh, God, I'm so miserable!" to which I couldn't help but respond, "You certainly are!" (And I'll draw the curtain now on the drama that ensued...)
Makes me want to hang myself in the attic some days. Thank God for my husband, who can make you laugh about just about anything.
Its really frustrating to visit parents and be met with this complaint each time.
I just saw your reply and I would like to say I thought I had it bad having four sisters that wouldn't lift a finger to help in any way shape or form. didn't call stop by or even come to their wake and/or funeral. you have 5 siblings who wouldn't lift a finger. god bless you and all of the hard and painful work you do.
I wrote off my sisters all of them as being my family. family sticks together , helps each other, is there for each other always. in my book they are x-sisters.
my father died and I was holding him telling him I loved him and my mom died also in my arms three weeks later. my sisters are the ones who lost out. I got to love and be with them till their last breath........