I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
My husband’s grandma was so freakin miserable that she wrote hate mail from her hospital bed just before she died! She died alone. No one could stand being with her anymore.
Most people want to make peace before they die, not her. The entire family received a ‘hate’ letter!
So yes, it is my selfishness that bothers me the most.
Golly what do I do right? Sorry to nag I know I should not but I am so glad you all understand my pains . ....tummy aches . Alison
I started telling mom, “Well, if you don’t like what I am doing I can find someone else to do it for you.” That quieted her down. Then, even apologized to me.
You know what I think it was for my mom? This is about my mom, yours may be a whole different story. I think her criticism is because she is bored and frustrated.
I hope it gets better for you. If you can take a break, do it. Hugs! I don’t take breaks either and that only makes our frustrations worse. I used to run around like crazy catching up if she naps. Now I don’t! I rest too.
I know it’s hard for them too. I am not heartless. Truly I’m not.
You know, it’s interesting. I personally feel that for the most part if someone was sweet and agreeable at a younger age it is likely to continue. On the other hand, if they were mean as hell when younger, ooooooh watch out! You’re in for a long, bumpy ride. That was the case with my husband’s grandma. She was hateful her entire life!
It’s not that uncommon for those who are suffering to be in denial. Sooner or later, acceptance will sink in. Happens in stages. Know what I mean? Some people process in stages. They are having a difficult time taking it all in at once.
For me, it's the living with the coming, after his passing, memories. I just want to keep my happy, pleasant memories, not the ones I know now and I don't think that's what's going to happen.
Sure, her mental decline is frustrating - and we are often unable (and I really no longer try) to explain things like bills, why she only got 60 pills not 90 (this was your pain pills, you only get one month's supply, all your others you can have 3 months), restrictions the doctors have placed on her (walker only, no more cane, no driving or using the Dixie Chopper, etc.) That's frustrating, but I try to remember her brain is broken and she's not being argumentative on purpose.
But expecting us to do for her, and we do, and never a genuine thank you - just meanness and fussing about how it wasn't good enough, I wasn't good enough, I'm stupid and she hates me . . . . . that gets hard. It mostly happens when she is in pain, especially on grocery day when she has been on her feet in the store for hours. It's hard not to take it personally and to remember it's her broken brain. Yeah, I mostly never remember it's her broken brain then, I just take it, and try to keep going.
Especially when she is intentionally cruel -- she once blamed me for a disagreement she had with her son (My dh), that I had nothing to do with, saying "You come from a broken family, you like drama" :( Just, wow! She had to have held onto that, and thought that way for over 30 years, since I came on the scene. (although it really explains her crappy treatment of my middle DD -- because that DD is the spitting image of me, so likely reminds MIL of me back when I started dating her son)
Never asks about me or her grandkids (all young adults with lives . . .plenty to ask about!) or even her son. Not interested in anything but her, how she feels, what she wants, who is doing her wrong this week (when really, they are trying to help her!) My niece is pregnant with her first great-grandchild, and she really couldn't care less - so sad.
On the upside, when I help my mom and step-dad they are very appreciative and let me know. I try to stop by there a few times a week to see what needs done (lightbulb changed, something heavy unloaded from car, etc.) It's easy to be proactive with them because they will tell me what they need, and then let me help them. Pretty much the complete opposite of MIL. Heck, they even refrain from doing risky or dangerous things - saving them for me, so they don't get hurt! How cool is that, lol!!
Just recently during one of her arguments over bath time I realized why she is so crappy to me -- "You look just like my sister." She and Auntie rarely get along!!
I resent that when I leave to go out the door to go the store for one thing, she says look for something else. Always something else.
Always her screeching tone of voice.
She needs way more attention that I have to give. I've taken to staying in my bedroom a lot these days. Totally tired on being 'the mouse that the cat is always ready to pounce on'
Having read some of the other replies, it is heartening to know that there are others who actually show appreciation for their care.
I used to group text to let them know how mom was doing. Due to no/low response I stopped two weeks ago and not one of them has called or text or even stopped to see her.
Mom has never "played well with others" and can be difficult but the least they could do is act like they care.
All I hear about is how I need to do this or that or the other thing and it's always for their benefit not for mom and certainly not for myself.
I live with mom and have lived with her for 4 1/2 years. I worked full time for two and a half years then went to part time and freelanced. I quit my part time job and ran the seasonal family business last summer for my brother and sister in law when they had an emergency with their granddaughter. All for free (it actually cost me money with all the driving back and forth).
I freelanced and took classes online over the winter with money I had saved and stuck close because mom was showing early signs of dementia.
Mom took a big turn for the worst in the last few months and now I can't say what the future will hold but I did promise her I would stay and keep her in her home until it became unsafe. I have one more certification to finish but lately her care has become a full time job.
I am just at the beginning of this journey and I'm thankful for all of you who share your stories and help me deal with the guilt and frustration and even the anger.
No one loved their parents more than I did. I adored both of them, and they were gracious and appreciative of everything I did for them. But I felt like I lost part of myself during that time. However, while caring for them I also found some things. I experienced a renewed closeness to God, because I relied on Him for strength and wisdom daily. I also appreciated my time more when I had that rare opportunity to do something I enjoyed. I learned self-reliance and discovered strengths and abilities I didn't realize I had.
From my caregiving days, I was reminded how short life is and how precious relationships are. I took time to ask my parents about their memories of the past so that I could learn about their experiences in life, and keep those in my heart.
Yes, there were times I asked God "will this ever end?" It is so hard, and heart-breaking to watch your parents die. Both of my parents became so sick in the end that they asked me to pray with them that God would allow them to die. You think that's not hard?! To hear them ask God, with tears in their eyes, to take them to Heaven? In time, God answered their prayers and relieved them of their physical suffering, allowing them to pass on to their Heavenly home.
Oh my caregiving friends, I understand completely what you are going through. If you are still taking care of a parent, I pray God will give you the strength to get through it. It is the most difficult, heart-breaking thing you will ever do. But if you do your best, it will bring you peace when they are gone.
The hardest thing (and it's really selfish, but I'm going to share it, because I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way) is wondering, "How long will this go on...and will I ever capture my "own" life again?" There's such guilt in even asking that question, because the answer is, "It ends when your parent dies." So...am I really wishing my parents would get on with things and...die?
But hospital and nursing home hours are, I'm pretty sure, twice as long as normal hours. When you're at the care facility, you get SO TIRED from just sitting there and waiting...waiting for the doctor, waiting for lab results, waiting to speak to the charge nurse. And when you're not at the care facility, you're going 90 to nothing getting things done: your laundry, their laundry, getting meals, taking care of "normal" life. And then you're tired from cramming all of what used to be normal life into what's left over. And you're guilty, because you feel as if you should be staying with your loved one.
The ambiguity of the situation bothers me the most.