I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
Everyone of you who have been in this position deserve the upmost respect and I can only tell you what my mom said...... She knew she was dying and she looked at me I held her hand and she said I was her ANGEL!. That is what keeps me going because now the situation has turned into a lawsuit with my brothers wanting to handle my parents estate on their own and take me out of it. I am not trying to keep this process going on and on and on I want it over and done with. I NEVER EVER in my life knew what money could do to people. The GREED and the ANGER is just disgusting...... I had seen these situations on TV but never did I ever think this would happen to my family. BUT IT DID. Money is ok but when it hurts others and creates an environment where siblings no longer speak it is just heartless. I may end up losing a few bucks in this fight, but that is not an issue for me. What they have lost is so much more. They have lost their 5 nieces and nephews. Their sister, their grand nieces (I have 3 grandchildren) and a very loving family. It's just the three of them now (my bro is married) that is it. I cannot worry about them but all of my children are adults and they make their own choices. This situation makes me ill to think about it.
If your feeling overwhelmed get help. Find someone who can help you. I wanted to do it all on my own, and it took its toll on me.
I snapped out of my denial of her dying and finally accepted the inevitable and told my dear, sweet MIL that I loved her one last time before she did die.
I think about this with my mom. I hope I don’t fall apart when she dies.
I used to to think FIL was creepy by some of the VERY inappropriate things he would occasionally say but now I understand this is more a symptom of his aging brain.
What I do mind is that he will not tell me when he has to use the bed pan, and will instead try to get up and use the commode. He's so stubborn and independent, and while I love that about him it would make my job so. much. easier. if he would just tell me when he needs help. He assures me he'll call me, and then tries to do things that he can't by himself. That means I can barely sleep or relax because I have to look in his room every 15 minutes to make sure he's not on the floor or struggling with something.
He just got back from the hospital yesterday and he's started in-home hospice, so he's not doing great. I didn't fall asleep until 3, and then woke up every hour to check on him last night - after all the time I spent running back and forth to the hospital, taking care of my mom (she's pretty independent, but has a bum leg and and won't make her own food), and trying to clean the house to make it nice before he got back, I am worn out.
He thanks me and compliments me all the time, and that means a lot. I just wish I could trust him to tell me when he needs me (or, for that matter, tell me the truth right off the bat when I make food he doesn't like! He goes from "it was perfect!" to "well, I didn't really care for the spices in there" when I offer him leftovers).
Inquire about Respite! Good Luck
She wants everything done her way. I understand that she would do the things she asks me to do herself if she could. She used to be a very independent person who took care of herself and her kids on her own. She liked things done a certain way, so she did them herself. Now she can't and I have to do most things for her, including all of the cooking and cleaning. I just wish she would stop telling me how to do -everything-. I'm to the point where I clean house after she goes to bed because if I do it while she's awake it's a constant stream of ... don't forget to blah blah blah ...while you are doing A, B, C, and D could you also take care of X, Y and Z. No...no I can't. At this point, we are lucky the everyone gets fed, the laundry gets done, the trash gets taken out and the dishes get done two or three times a week. I wish I had the time and the energy to do more, but I work full time and some stuff just doesn't get done the way it should. I know she appreciates everything I do for her, but she often makes me feel like I can't do anything right.
I am 45 caring for my mother, guardian of my younger brother and trying to maintain a full time job with a family. I want my daughter to know I am caring for myself the best way I know how, even while I am being a caregiver. I delayed my own care long enough and I am choosing to balance my own self care with my mothers care. Otherwise, I will never end the cycle.
Thanks for listening.
ourselves and our children to make better health choices. Your Mom probably got on the care giving treadmill and forgot to take care of herself.
And to be fair to our parent's generation they really didn't have all the health information that is available now. Most of the boomer generation and younger knows better.
her stubbornness, desires for her in home only care, and demands have done negatively to orhers. She expects others to cater to her needs and wants. She has exhausted us but she does not care.
My mother never cared for her own parents, and she was not ashamed of it. One of her brothers assumed most of the responsibility for caring for my grandparents. I was able to help, but not much, since I had three little ones of my own at the time.
I sold my house and moved about two hours away to be closer to my kids and grand-kids about three years ago. That same summer, her heart condition was discovered. Initially the plan was to stay with her (to keep my job here; thankfully she owns her own home) until I found a job in the city where I moved, but that changed when the heart condition was diagnosed. She is afraid of not waking up, or waking up and needing something she can't get for herself. She is not totally dependent but not really able to manage alone seven days a week. So, I live with her during the week, go to work, go to her house evenings, and go home on weekends. One brother and wife were helping by letting her stay overnight weekends and occasionally sending some soup home. That's ended. They are now caring for wife's father. Other two brothers are useless. Assisted living is out of the question. Cognitively she's fine and wants to age in place.
I plan meals, buy groceries, bring prepared meals for dinner, sometimes cook when I arrive from work (at 7 pm), clean, take her to the doctor, make sure she has food for the weekends, etc. She makes her own breakfast, usually toast and coffee, and bowl of cereal for lunch. She doesn't want to make a sandwich, or heat anything up! She currently has an ongoing sprain in her left ankle, so she cannot drive and go out anywhere. I know she appreciates my help, but it still takes a toll on me.
I feel bad for her, because the only thing she's guilty of is getting old. I am caring for her the way I would want to be cared for, but I have made it clear to my kids that I do not want them caring for me. I have it covered.
I took care of husband #2 for 18 months (brain cancer). That was rough and aged me.
My kids are grown, have their own lives. I spend some time with the little ones (love that), and i do have most weekends "off" but I hate having to tell her when I am coming back, what time...take time off work to take her to the doctor, listen to her complaints about the neighbors parking in front of her house, who the girl across the street is sleeping with...I think I just need to vent. For some reason today it is especially annoying.
Not to say I don't have some free time, but at this point I had hoped to use my "free" time to travel, explore, maybe even develop new male friendship. That's not going to happen.
All this to say...I feel guilty, sad, angry, bitter, and resentful. I never expected this, but who does? It's been three years and I see future changes, not looking especially bright.
Yes! I would be devastated to put my kids through this.
Its like the hamster wheel.
I don't know if anyone can relate. But maybe.