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My issues with caregiving was mom's lack of being able to tell the other siblings to stop the fighting. She had a stroke but her memory was only slightly hindered. She was willing to allow the resentment to build up and then there would be a blow out. Sibs manipulated mom in every way possible. Yet they never spent 5 minutes taking care of her. I was her caregiver (and yes it is a thank less job) My mom just needed to step up and tell the boys to stop hurting me which in turn ended up hurting her. My brother kept saying I was impossible to deal with and I have no idea what he was talking about because I have given in to every detail that they wanted. It's a very sad situation. Yes it's a job I was not qualified for (although I raised 5 children on my own) There was no pay, and yes I did not think I would be 24 hours a day ( which over time went down to 15 hours a day.
Everyone of you who have been in this position deserve the upmost respect and I can only tell you what my mom said...... She knew she was dying and she looked at me I held her hand and she said I was her ANGEL!. That is what keeps me going because now the situation has turned into a lawsuit with my brothers wanting to handle my parents estate on their own and take me out of it. I am not trying to keep this process going on and on and on I want it over and done with. I NEVER EVER in my life knew what money could do to people. The GREED and the ANGER is just disgusting...... I had seen these situations on TV but never did I ever think this would happen to my family. BUT IT DID. Money is ok but when it hurts others and creates an environment where siblings no longer speak it is just heartless. I may end up losing a few bucks in this fight, but that is not an issue for me. What they have lost is so much more. They have lost their 5 nieces and nephews. Their sister, their grand nieces (I have 3 grandchildren) and a very loving family. It's just the three of them now (my bro is married) that is it. I cannot worry about them but all of my children are adults and they make their own choices. This situation makes me ill to think about it.
If your feeling overwhelmed get help. Find someone who can help you. I wanted to do it all on my own, and it took its toll on me.
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Jada824 Jul 2019
The siblings fighting over money & control is more common than you would think. I never in a million years thought my sibling would do something like this but he has. It’s disgusting!
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Repetition on explanations PLUS I am regarded as someone who is from another planet and knows NOTHING.  Also, I am a liar.  Nice!
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gkcgkc Jun 2019
Me too!
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I echo the sentiment of not knowing what's next. Not being able to take a day off, even when I'm sick. I have 2.5 hours of respite a week, definitely need to look into getting more. The isolation gets hard, too. Mom rarely gets visitors, and being holed up in the house all day gets tough. Thank goodness summer is coming, at least I can get outdoors and putz in the garden.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Me too. I agree wholeheartedly.
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The not knowing what comes next. Not knowing if she’s going to have a good or bad day, not knowing if she’ll know me tomorrow, not knowing if she’ll be alive tomorrow! I know that’s extreme but it’s true. I also dislike the bad treatment I receive from her on a daily basis. And I’m her daughter and she lives with me and I’m her primary caregiver!
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Since my fiancee and I to over as caregivers for my fiancee's father(Mr.B),his other sons do not think we need a break.I am tired of practically begging.Yes we have respite care,but it's not enough.We will be doing this for 3 years.I have up my job to care for him full time,which I now realize was a mistake.Mr. B's favorite thing to do is to threaten me that he is selling the house.And then rub into my face.I have told him I have a home.I told he can sell if he wants,it doesn't concern me.Why do they do things like this.He has early dementia,But it's in the very early stages.I just want to relax,and not do anything in the evenings.Oh the good old times.
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Unitetogether Apr 2019
I hope your fiancée is helping you out a lot since it's his dad. The other sons need to pitch in to. Your being very nice caring for your future FIL , don't know if I would volunteer for that. Only if my fiancé was really going to help I suppose. Everyone is different. Hugs to you,
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Acaringdaughter,  I know what you mean, we have to keep on going , keep on living for them. I can't say something I want to, but hugs to you. I think my thoughts think mean sometimes about my life with my husband now, but I know I love him.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Hugs!
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I’m most bothered by the fact that it eventually will end when my loved one dies.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
What do you mean. a caring daughter? Not being able to deal with a loved one’s death? I think about this too. Then I am reminded of how I was told by my MIL’s oncologist that I was selfish for not wanting her to die because she was ready to die and be free of her suffering. Stupid me, I told her that I was praying for a miracle. I was much younger and such a dreamer. Her oncologist was a realist and told me that I could continue my prayers but that she was telling me as her doctor that she would die.

I snapped out of my denial of her dying and finally accepted the inevitable and told my dear, sweet MIL that I loved her one last time before she did die.

I think about this with my mom. I hope I don’t fall apart when she dies.
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I have an additional response. I actually have an issue with two of FIL siblings that don’t really help out. They really don’t care for him ( yet they take his money). I think there were childhood issues they never got over. But I really try not to focus on that.
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1) The lack of privacy I had enjoyed with my husband before FIL began living with us. 2) the constant attention FIL needs. I pray all the time that my heart is in the right place and I’m doing this out of love because I do feel guilty for having these thoughts.

I used to to think FIL was creepy by some of the VERY inappropriate things he would occasionally say but now I understand this is more a symptom of his aging brain.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
YES! I miss my privacy with my husband too.
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my siblings making me do all the caregiving and not giving me a break!
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
This too! In the same boat!
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I agree with you completely. I feel the same way. I am new at taking care of my 90 year old mother-in-law. So what can be done?
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I've taken care of him for five years and I don't mind a lot of things. I don't mind handling his doctor's appointments or staying at the hospital for 12 hours when he gets admitted (or for 4-8 hrs every day he stays). I don't mind being the one who has to juggle his endless medications or the one who empties his catheter and cleans him up after bowel movements. I don't mind picking him up off the floor when he falls and dragging him back into bed... and I don't mind the transition I had to make from an immature and lost 23 year old to a dedicated 28 year old with a purpose. He's taught me a lot.

What I do mind is that he will not tell me when he has to use the bed pan, and will instead try to get up and use the commode. He's so stubborn and independent, and while I love that about him it would make my job so. much. easier. if he would just tell me when he needs help. He assures me he'll call me, and then tries to do things that he can't by himself. That means I can barely sleep or relax because I have to look in his room every 15 minutes to make sure he's not on the floor or struggling with something.

He just got back from the hospital yesterday and he's started in-home hospice, so he's not doing great. I didn't fall asleep until 3, and then woke up every hour to check on him last night - after all the time I spent running back and forth to the hospital, taking care of my mom (she's pretty independent, but has a bum leg and and won't make her own food), and trying to clean the house to make it nice before he got back, I am worn out.

He thanks me and compliments me all the time, and that means a lot. I just wish I could trust him to tell me when he needs me (or, for that matter, tell me the truth right off the bat when I make food he doesn't like! He goes from "it was perfect!" to "well, I didn't really care for the spices in there" when I offer him leftovers).
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antie9 Apr 2019
Great that you have Hospice! I have been caregiving for my husband of 45 years for 20 years, he has advanced Parkinsons. Hospice has recently come on board and the first thing they did was get me respite care. Once a month they pick him up and take him to the Hospice facility for 5 days. It has saved my sanity!
Inquire about Respite! Good Luck
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I took care of someone for 28 years and I worked full time. I eventually had to hire a caretaker and it was not a good situation. Had to fire her for fraud and keep looking for others that were honest and reliable - not easy. Finally, I had no choice but to put her into a very nice private nursing home where she was happy. But before the caretakers had to be on the scene and the nursing home, I would get furious when she would become nasty or abusive to me after all that I was doing. I simply cannot and will never, ever, no matter why, tolerate people who are nasty and difficult and make you feel awful - I just won't put up with it. And it seems to be a common trait of so many older people. They want what they want when they want it - even if it is impossible or not realistic. Sometimes they just don't appreciate the ones who love them and take care of them - that to me is grounds for w a l k i n g away.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Good for you, Riley. Me too! I will not tolerate it either. We have a right to defend ourselves.
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It would be, knowing I have to change my husband like a baby for the rest of my Life.
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Hugs!
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One thing...OK.
She wants everything done her way. I understand that she would do the things she asks me to do herself if she could. She used to be a very independent person who took care of herself and her kids on her own. She liked things done a certain way, so she did them herself. Now she can't and I have to do most things for her, including all of the cooking and cleaning. I just wish she would stop telling me how to do -everything-. I'm to the point where I clean house after she goes to bed because if I do it while she's awake it's a constant stream of ... don't forget to blah blah blah ...while you are doing A, B, C, and D could you also take care of X, Y and Z. No...no I can't. At this point, we are lucky the everyone gets fed, the laundry gets done, the trash gets taken out and the dishes get done two or three times a week. I wish I had the time and the energy to do more, but I work full time and some stuff just doesn't get done the way it should. I know she appreciates everything I do for her, but she often makes me feel like I can't do anything right.
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gkcgkc Jun 2019
My parents remind me to lock the doors when I leave (my house) and turn off the lights at night. And oversee all my cooking. They never have been able to see me as an adult, I think they locked in 14 years old when I was an irresponsible wayward teen. :)
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The fact that she acts like it's so hard for her to do things like make her own doctor's appointments or even do basic tasks when she's only 67 years old. Yes, she does have mobility issues and some other health problems, but that makes her slow, not helpless. I'm 30 years old, have a full time job and am a part time graduate student on my final semester. My Dad passed away half a year ago (he took care of EVERYTHING) and then my Mom's house burned last month causing me to move her to my town. However, she seems to expect me to do everything and I just can't. I don't care if she wishes her dining table was brown and not black. I don't care if she feels like we don't talk enough. I barely have enough time to cover my own responsibilities along with getting her moved and now trying to figure out what to do with a burned out house. I've only been acting as a caregiver for less than 7ish months, but I'm already at my breaking point. Can she please just make her own doctor's appointments?
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The one thing that bothers me the most about caregiving is when I loose my sh$t with my mom. I wonder if my mom forgot what it is like to have a full time job and a family. Now, I am have to be responsible for her healthcare. She made the decision to not care for herself, not take care of her weight, diabetes, fatty liver and high cholesterol. Now, I am helping her out run liver failure. I know people say "when you know better you do better" but she was a nurse who did not take care of herself. She was busy caring for others and her disabled son, which is noble, however, I am now caring for her and her disabled son.
I am 45 caring for my mother, guardian of my younger brother and trying to maintain a full time job with a family. I want my daughter to know I am caring for myself the best way I know how, even while I am being a caregiver. I delayed my own care long enough and I am choosing to balance my own self care with my mothers care. Otherwise, I will never end the cycle.
Thanks for listening.
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bettina Mar 2019
You are being very smart to act now. I waited until I was in my 50's to start getting real about my health issues. It never gets any easier. We owe to
ourselves and our children to make better health choices. Your Mom probably got on the care giving treadmill and forgot to take care of herself.
And to be fair to our parent's generation they really didn't have all the health information that is available now. Most of the boomer generation and younger knows better.
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Spending hours taking care of potentially life and death matters and all I hear are complaints about petty stuff : (
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It's annoying when i gave my dad something he wanted, and awhile later, like a month or so, he thinks he still didnt get what he wanted. Its frustrating becuase he kept saying he wants this thing. I make an effort to get it for him. And he forgets and complains again.
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gkcgkc Jun 2019
Yes! My father was ranting last night that we haven't made the soup he wants and that my mother won't give it to him. I reminded him that we had it for lunch just that day! And every weekend!
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Everything !
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2019
Hahaha. I get it!
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The way she has become egocentric, excluding what
her stubbornness, desires for her in home only care, and demands have done negatively to orhers. She expects others to cater to her needs and wants. She has exhausted us but she does not care.
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mally1 Feb 2019
Got one of those, too.... what to do, what to do?
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It's more than one thing for me. The worst I think is depression. My mother is 85, and has congestive heart failure, lung and female issues. I'm the oldest of four, the only female, and widowed. By default it appears that I am the one to provide all of my mother's care. I resent it.

My mother never cared for her own parents, and she was not ashamed of it. One of her brothers assumed most of the responsibility for caring for my grandparents. I was able to help, but not much, since I had three little ones of my own at the time.

I sold my house and moved about two hours away to be closer to my kids and grand-kids about three years ago. That same summer, her heart condition was discovered. Initially the plan was to stay with her (to keep my job here; thankfully she owns her own home) until I found a job in the city where I moved, but that changed when the heart condition was diagnosed. She is afraid of not waking up, or waking up and needing something she can't get for herself. She is not totally dependent but not really able to manage alone seven days a week. So, I live with her during the week, go to work, go to her house evenings, and go home on weekends. One brother and wife were helping by letting her stay overnight weekends and occasionally sending some soup home. That's ended. They are now caring for wife's father. Other two brothers are useless. Assisted living is out of the question. Cognitively she's fine and wants to age in place.

I plan meals, buy groceries, bring prepared meals for dinner, sometimes cook when I arrive from work (at 7 pm), clean, take her to the doctor, make sure she has food for the weekends, etc. She makes her own breakfast, usually toast and coffee, and bowl of cereal for lunch. She doesn't want to make a sandwich, or heat anything up! She currently has an ongoing sprain in her left ankle, so she cannot drive and go out anywhere. I know she appreciates my help, but it still takes a toll on me.

I feel bad for her, because the only thing she's guilty of is getting old. I am caring for her the way I would want to be cared for, but I have made it clear to my kids that I do not want them caring for me. I have it covered.

I took care of husband #2 for 18 months (brain cancer). That was rough and aged me.

My kids are grown, have their own lives. I spend some time with the little ones (love that), and i do have most weekends "off" but I hate having to tell her when I am coming back, what time...take time off work to take her to the doctor, listen to her complaints about the neighbors parking in front of her house, who the girl across the street is sleeping with...I think I just need to vent. For some reason today it is especially annoying.

Not to say I don't have some free time, but at this point I had hoped to use my "free" time to travel, explore, maybe even develop new male friendship. That's not going to happen.

All this to say...I feel guilty, sad, angry, bitter, and resentful. I never expected this, but who does? It's been three years and I see future changes, not looking especially bright.
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gkcgkc Jun 2019
"I have made it clear to my kids that I do not want them caring for me. I have it covered. "

Yes! I would be devastated to put my kids through this.
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pooping
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being on the merry go round.
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The dark cloud of depression and sadness that I can't fix. When my dad started down the path of dementia, mom wanted nothing to do with his care so I was forced into putting him into memory care. That was two years ago. Now she flounders at home (down the street from me) and is NOT doing well. This morning our neighbor found my mom's cat deceased (another thing my mom didn't want to take care of) and my husband and I had to go retrieve it and bury it. I just left my mom at home crying over THAT whole thing. Now I'm trying to get my head together at work. I can't fix him, I can't fix her, it's not my fault, but it's ruining my life. All this before they ever even turned 80, and I'm only 51. It wasn't supposed to be this way.
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dlpandjep Feb 2019
My heart aches for you Upstream.  You are so young to be carrying this load.  No - it isn't supposed to be this way.  Hugs. 💙
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What bothers me the most is how much my mother is taking over not only my life, but my husbands and daughters. She lives here. She is driving us all crazy. She has no idea how invasive she is. She opens/closes doors all the time looking for her cats. Opens our bedroom doors to look at us. Obsessed with laundry. She got a 21/30 on MMSE. Facilitator said she woukd fit in with memory care. I have to figure out how. She is happy here. She will not want to go. Her MD said “ but she has you to look after her”. Like it’s my responsibility to not place her. But become more and more miserable. Said to her dr. I can’t do this forever. Her dr really doesn’t care. It’s not her life. But it is mine. And the memory care facility is beautiful.
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Upstream Feb 2019
Oh that makes me so mad when doctor's imply that YOU are the one to give up your life for the care. I don't think they do that to men.
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Sometimes I feel terribly self centered about discussing my issues. Because reading some of the stories here are so incredibly heartbreaking. Mine has been bad. But my god, it could be so. Much. Worse. And it creates a panic. What if x or y doesn't happen? Will mine then get that bad too? And then I start thinking I am a narcissist.

Its like the hamster wheel.

I don't know if anyone can relate. But maybe.
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dlpandjep Feb 2019
I can totally relate.  I know that I have so much to be thankful for and feel so ashamed when I complain - but - once in a while I have to "release" and knowing others understand is priceless.  One thing I've learned is how futile it is to worry.  One day at a time … you are not alone and you are not a narcissist.  God bless you.  💙
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One thing? ONE thing?!?! You just had to use a specific modifier. Well, the one thing I hate most is everything that comes with it. The guilt, the anger, the depression, the sadness, the loneliness, the feeling of being trapped at home, and the feeling of utter helplessness that there is Nothing in this damn world that I can do to magically fix it. OK, I guess I can say specify one thing, after rereading my comment; the fact that I can get angry over anything at the drop of a hat nowadays. This is where I Must end this or else I'll fill the page. All I will say in parting is...GOD Bless each one of us who are doing what we're doing, forever how long we can humanly manage without losing our mind or ourselves.
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Erinm60 Feb 2019
Amen. Sonny 65. Right there with you
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Poop.
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dlpandjep Feb 2019
Thanks for the smile. 😊
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I guess this is my opportunity to vent, so here goes.  The "one" thing that bothers me most about caregiving, is what it's doing to me.  I understand my Mother's dementia is robbing her of all reason and ability - that I can cope with.  My Dad on the other hand, resents when I leave him.  I spent the day yesterday cleaning up after Mother and decided that if I didn't get out of the house today, I might lose it.  Well, when I told Dad, he got upset and refused lunch.  Then he told me I should be back in an hour (it takes half an hour to drive there) and when I got home, he jokingly said, "Tell me all about the fun you had while you were gone."  I lost it.  I am worn out with caring for people who think that just because they can't enjoy life any more, I shouldn't be able to either.  I am resentful and angry.  God forgive me, but I know someone out there understands.  Thanks for listening.
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guiltridden64 Feb 2019
Yes to all this! It is only my mother, but this is the story of our lives now. I am recently retired and only 55, but I feel twenty years older. I work part time to have some life of my own. She is 40 years older than me and I think her health is better than mine....she never had to deal with all this. God forgive me, but she exhausts me.
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