I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
In my opinion, it is time to quit caregiving when it is taking a physical toll on your (the caregiver's) body/health.
In my case, I already have arthritis in my neck and spine and a worthless back after 40 years of being a nurse. So, when mother lived with us for 3 months (stage 6 Alzheimer's) and I was having to push, pull, lift, turn, etc., my back started screaming. In the end, it was her or me. I had to place her in a facility.
I can NOT loose MY health and suffer from now until I die. (She's 95 so I still have 33 years left!)
I'm afraid I had to draw the line. She has strong, young men and women as caregivers in the memory care facility taking good care of her. I have to realize my limitations and do what I can to keep the good health that I have. You do too.
Please consider placement for your Mom so you don't "break" yourself. Often, once something "breaks", it can't be repaired again. Your mother would not want to be the reason you are incapacitated. We have worked hard all our lives and we need to enjoy this time of retirement with as good health as possible.
i am so sorry you are feeling this way, we all go through these feelings, it is rough.
I had and have very difficult times too. I have to continually remind myself what love means and not to be selfish.
I only get through each day leaning and relying on the Lord. I can do nothing on my own, as I will fail or mess it up.
I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you look up for your help and strength, because truly HE is our only hope in this life.
Hang in there.
Dementia is a sucking vortex that destroys everything in its path. The only one who isn't miserable because of it is the one who has it, in our case. It's just a hopeless situation.
Good things? The memories I am making with my mom. The sense that I am doing what I should do, that I am giving back to her for all she has done for me throughout my life. The appreciation I have for 10 minutes with a cup of coffee that I took completely for granted. My mom reaching for my hand when I am taking her for a drive and holding my hand as we drive in silence. The times she tells me she loves me and she is blessed to have me. The patience I have grown through this. The ability to see things "for the first time" through her eyes. The fact that I never had kids, but now I have a small idea of what being a parent is. I could go on and on. These are enormous gifts I have been given and the lack of time for me, the isolation, the feeling of being alone? I can handle these because what I am getting back is priceless.
Some days I don't think I can go on, and then I do go on. Sometimes I take it one day at a time, but I keep on keeping on. When I stop a moment to think, I am truly blessed. My mom and I have always been close and this has served me well throughout this time. My mom continues to be the kind, sweet person she has always been and for that I am grateful. Sure, she has bad moods, but hey so do I, so do we all. We are all human.
I still had my full time job. I changed both of my bedridden parents' pampers every morning - all by myself. Mom was completely vegetative-state, on oxygen, tracheal and stomach tube. Then at night, I change their pampers again, clean mom's tracheal tube, etc...
I'm really glad that you have a job to help keep you balanced. It really makes a difference!
charlotte
It’s almost every day that he tells me in all seriousness that he thinks that day is his last. He is convinced that he is dying even though there’s nothing actively deteriorating other than his memory. I want to tell him to get a grip! He’s a doctor. He should know better than me.
Is it his wishful thinking? Is it a premonition? Is it a stage of dementia? Whatever it is, it’s exhausting for me emotionally. It’s been going on for over a year, but has intensified to being almost every day.
DH and Vascular Dementia and depression [with other issues] ... SIL calls and tells me what I should do for her brother.
Stepdaughter who calls her dad once in a great while but figures he is okay if she doesn't see him ill.
Can't visit, can't offer me a day off.
So family members that are clueless bother me while caregiving.
It may be that we share aspects of life regarding mothers. I am still not in the hang of this site but if you ever want to talk more I would be glad too. My family cant really offer me more as they feel I should at 62 know my mother well enough to not expect more. Sometimes are ok and others leave me just wondering why and how it had to be this way. I too dont know what it would feel like to have a version of a normal mother. I recall being asked once about going through a difficult time and being asked if I didnt just need my mother and quickly replying no. Forgive me if this is a repeated story. I have tried talk therapy but was told how grateful I should feel that my 3 children turned out well. I am but I pretty much alone have to deal with my mother. Its calm today. Was awful a few days ago after a bladder test
I can really relate to what you're saying. My mom has mental and memory issues, and she is just not capable of really filling the mom role, hence it's fallen on me to sort of be mom to myself and her. I have the same feeling about needing my mom in a crisis. If anything, my mom often IS the crisis lol
Glad today was at least a calm day for you. I know there are days when you probably want to pull your hair out. Are there any caregiver support groups in your area? I've thought about checking out some here, just to meet with a group of like-minded people locally who know what it's like taking care of the elderly and disabled.
And this site has been great. It's such a relief just to know you're not alone.
Some people just aren't capable of being the loving parents that they should be, and sometimes it's mental illness, dementia, or another neurological reason, other times addiction, etc. but that doesn't mean the child is unloveable. It's a reflection of a broken mindset on the parent's part. I have a mom who struggles with mental illness and I too have always had to be "mom" to my own mother, and I know how hard that is, especially when some of my friends and people I know actually have "normal" moms. I seriously wouldn't know what that (having a normal mom) is like.
Do you have a therapist you could talk to about your relationship with your mom? I think it would be very helpful for you in taking care of your mental health to work through it with a counselor. Mine has helped me a lot.
Please come back and stay in touch and let us know how you're doing.
Will all millionaires please step up and help out?
Not enough memory care homes. National Epidemic !