Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
My bother has mentally abused me for years. My step mother is immobile and her children have deserted her. They are hoarders due to lack on clean up. I have got a social worker trying to help out. I am about had all I can take with my dad. I say to myself many times that I wish my dad had died first instead of my mother. Sometimes I wish he would die. But I do not mean that. I am going through a second career change and am studying to work for Ombudsman. I want to go into Elderly Abuse Protection. I guess God is preparing the way due to my father's hatefulness to me.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to mphillips
Report
OScarlett Jul 2018
Bless you!! I wish you all success. Surround yourself with loving respectful souls.
(0)
Report
I answered this before, but right now it is knowing that my life is basically over. My role is to be a servant to my family.

Caregiving is damaging my physical and mental health, I feel like I am serving a life sentence, and when it ends there will be guilt and grief. Already there is not much of me left, I can feel myself fading. I guess this is what acceptance and resignation feel like; I no longer have the energy or motivation to even try to hold on to what little of what I once was remains.

Oh and potty duty. I always thought I could never do that, but here I am. And never, ever being able to sleep till I wake up naturally.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Dana235
Report
FrazzledMama Jul 2018
Hugs, Dana. You are not alone in how you feel. It sounds like the resignation, the lack of energy, etc is a case of severe burnout. And yes, caregiving can definitely take its toll on your physical and mental health.

In your previous posts, you had mentioned that placing your mom in a memory care facility was not an option at that time. Is this still true, or is it something that may be a possibility? Could she go to adult day care some during the day so you could have some time to rest and have a break?

Try to take care of you too. You owe it to yourself. I know it's not easy to do sometimes but you are important too.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
Dear Mercy we are somehow back to the wandering and packing stage again! I thought this was long ago in the rearview mirror. Nope! They're Back! MOTHER OF PEARL!!!
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to BootShopGirl
Report

I guess I would say, I can put up with the diarrhea but it's the BS from those who haven't walked in my shoes that are the most frustrating. Of course, the lack of sleep because anytime it gets quiet MIL gets up for the bathroom, even if she just went. One recent night it was 11 times from about 8 pm til 7:30 am. Oh, my! And she needs help with that. But I have to say that she appreciates what I do for her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to whatsagipper
Report
CTTN55 Jul 2018
ELEVEN times during the night you had to get up? Is this your MIL or your mother (your profile says mother, but your post said MIL)?

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. How long have you been existing on lack of sleep? Are you the only one taking care of her? If she is indeed your MIL, where is your husband? Where are his siblings? (And if it's your mother, where are YOUR siblings?)
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Being able to take a nap and not feel guilty of it.I do not feel like I can relax.I miss my freedom to be able to do things like this.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Abf1202
Report
Debi1225 Jul 2018
I am new to the forum but I feel your pain. I miss being able to go outside and just sit or get up in the morning and have a cup of coffee undisturbed. I try not to feel bitter but totally understand how you feel. You are right no one can understand how you give up your life to care for someone with dementia. I wish I had good advise for you but like you I am in the same frame of mind as you are right now
God bless you
(9)
Report
Just today?


The non stop eating!



And my family, because they can't make a decision!
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Lostinthemix
Report

My tremendous sense of loss-loss of the man I married, loss of close relationships with my grandchildren, loss of my identity and everything that was good in my life, loss of my home, loss of any real social contacts except through social media, and loss of my health.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to anonymous633176
Report

Huh, I'll tell without a second thought. The back and forth *I wants!*

It takes FOREVER to get Mom up and in her chair to go outside or to get to the bathroom. While trying to move her she looses focus and talks to or about the animals! I'm holding all her weight and she'll say
" aww look, he's sleeping upside down"
Mooooom HELLO HELP ME HERE!!!
Then after getting her where she needs to go she says "I want to go lay down." No sooner do I jack *ss her back to bed, she claims she's gotta pee again or wants to sit outside!!!

And Everytime I give her her food, I take one bite of mine.....she gotta pee!!!! Oh h*ll no! My meal is over!
Helpful Answer (13)
Reply to Pepsee
Report

What bothers me the most in my limited (and it will never be more than that) caregiving is that my mother's expectations of me are too high, and she thinks that *I* owe HER.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to CTTN55
Report
slp1684 Jul 2018
O my gosh.. so does my mom.. She fails to remember that I took care of her mother at my house.
(0)
Report
Honestly it's hard to just choose one thing but I guess overall it's the selfishness that's associated with it. I'm not sure if she's always been this way but my God it's getting so damn tiresome. It's like it's never enough no matter how much I do for her its never enough. Never a thank you, never a smile.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to dllogan29
Report

CharK...don't beat yourself up. You are doing the very best that you can in a difficult situation. Please don't second guess yourself.

When my honey had his strokes I knew what to do having dealt with my Dad's strokes and my own. With the edema and extreme heart problems I have been in unfamiliar territory. And I told the doctors this. All that we can do is trust in our instincts and what our heart is telling us and go accordingly. We do the best we can. As you said ..she is still healthy at 92. That says a lot in itself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Dusti22
Report

I answered this question 3 months ago but I’ve been trying to narrow down to one hardest thing and I think it is not knowing what to do. Sounds foolish doesn’t it? But when I stand by her and she’s struggling I can’t help myself from doing it for her. I leave it to her to keep track of her poop calendar because after all she owns it right? Then she’s hospitalized with constipation. I’ve learned about all her medicines and count them out but she doesn’t know what she’s taking?
Am I serving her meals on trays because I want to or because it’s easier?
I just don’t seem to know what I should be doing and what I should make her do. Am I enabling her to the point I’ve made her decrepit and weak? I just don’t know.
Have I added years to her life just for her to be infirm and listless? Did I do it for her or did I do it for me? Isn’t it late to just now be asking the questions that I as an over achiever took on without any thought to our futures? I’m afraid it is late and that I may have created a lot of what I call my problems. Yet, I don’t know how I would have done anything different. She’s still healthy at 92 but her body is wearing out.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to CharK60
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
OMG CharK60 - you pose really good questions and insights....  While I don't know the details of your mother's illness or limitations, I can however, totally relate to your thoughts/feelings.  When we brought my MIL (2 years ago) to live with us, I knew he had very limited mobility on his left side due to prior stroke, and struggles with right side because of PD.  However, we did not give him tasks he could handle out of not really knowing what to do, and the fact that my hubby is horrible at having direct discussions with his father.  So now, like you, I wonder if we have enabled him to deteriorate further....  We have to fetch his tea, prepare his meals, wash his clothes, on and on.  I don't know the answers either, but I would say since you say your mom is still healthy at 92, but body is wearing down, it is not too late to try to slide some items over to her - (in addition to the poop calendar), good grief, I just think I will jump off a building by that time.... 
There are no easy answers, but please try to carve out time for yourself, even if it is small portions.  Best of wishes!
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
being all alone, subling does not help and does not want. Feeling guilty and in the same time feeling helpless
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to poetry21
Report

Karen... hang in there. That is a scary thought though. Before my honey came home from rehab all our weapons and ammo were locked in a gun safe. Sad that she thinks you are sneaking around.

The way to make your sister understand ...record some of the incidents that happen there and then let her listen. Another way...see if she can stay with your Mom a day or two so that you can get a reprieve. Then she should understand. In all likelihood the first day would be the "honeymoon" period and possibly the second reality would set in. Don't know if she would do it but worth a try.

Please keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Dusti22
Report

And the fun never ends.
Today my mom didnt hear me come in the front door. She said "gee,if I'd had a gun i could have killed you". I told her that was a terrible thing to say and she told me she was sick of me sneaking around
I wish i could find a way out of this mess. It makes me,sick when i hear her talking to my sister on the phone. All sweet like. I cant make my sister undetstand whats really going on.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Karen28d
Report

What I loved about Teepa Snow, from the first time I watched one of her videos, was that she *didn't* make you think you were evil, stupid or lacking in moral fibre if your demented loved one was driving you to tears or drink. What she did was explain what was happening that made them turn into this nightmare gremlin gnawing on your ankles. It was such a relief.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Countrymouse
Report

Wait...I was thinking we were talking about how Crappy it was like in my county where there are not many services. Like 1 dementia unit in 1 rest home in the entire county. I LOVE the U.S.A. itself. I HATE Alzheimer's. And So Sorry...but Teepa Snow does not have MY mother. It sounds so good while your reading or watching her videos. Works in theory. But not at OUR house hahaha! Rant over. I just had a hideous day. Grace and Peace to all of you this evening.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BootShopGirl
Report

Aww Riverdale,
Thank you so much!
Huge Cyber Huggz💝
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Pepsee
Report

Pepsee, I am amazed by your history and the strength you show today. Your mother sounds as though she was always a pillar of strength. I hope that can be conveyed to her. When she leaves this world she will leave a mark of great character. You both have that despite all the difficulties.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Riverdale
Report

I would have to say seeing my momma cry. She's been through hell and back, never breaking down. She always just kept it moving.
This, by far, is the worst part of this experience.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Pepsee
Report

...and SueC1957, thank you for standing up for me. (((Hugs)))
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to anonymous247183
Report

SueC1957
Thank you for standing up for America.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to anonymous247183
Report

NoRecess,
We are only HUMAN. Is Teepa Snow a 24/7 caregiver? I doubt it. She's an educated woman that has studied dementia and come up with ways to work with it. She's not a god.

She is presenting information that has worked for "most" people. Your situation may be completely different. There will always be the few (my mom) that doesn't fit the mold and the suggestions don't work.

We never studied how to handle this in school. For that matter, I don't believe I even heard of dementia until I was in my 20's. Dementia probably snuck up on us and left us blindsided. We had to learn how to handle our loved ones in a HURRY. Finally, now are there books about it. It's not a one size fits all experience.

If you are caregiving, you are more than "adequate".

Don't beat yourself up if you have a meltdown or a loud answer. This is the most demanding job on the face of the earth with no gratitude, financial compensation or even assistance from those that could help. What other job demands such loyalty for absolutely no reward? None.

Get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You're doing the best you can with impossible circumstances.

(((Big hugs)))
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to SueC1957
Report

I call it the Never Ending Story.My father in law threatens me with selling the house( threatens me ,"where are you going to live", blames me for being wet.etc. My question to myself is.What did I get myself into.His youngest son( my fiance) and myself are the only 2 caring for him.The rest of the family ate to busy.Find something to help de-stress.I use sewing ,cross stitch, and baby sitting my grandson occasionally. We are looking for a assisted living facility.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Abf1202
Report

Katlady,
Even though I live in Mexico (for financial reasons), I will always be an American. I pay taxes in the U.S. and shop and get services there too. I am boosting the economy of America.

I vehemently disagree with the leadership that we have in place but America is a country of PEOPLE. They are what makes our country great.

So, believe it or not, this "crap" country DOES provide free nursing homes to its poor citizens and free health insurance (Medicaid), also free hospice, in some instances free home health (not custodial care), free Medicare health insurance, huge discounts on transportation (sometimes free), free food stamps if needed, subsidized housing, and the list goes on.

I guess we could have everything free if we wanted to be like the Nordic countries that tax your wages at 50%+.

Yeah, America isn't perfect but I challenge you to look at the other couple hundred countries in the world and find the amount of free and reduced services that we have.

If you're not happy with your "crap" country, maybe you'd like to move to many other countries-where they kick you out of the hospital and let you die in the street if you don't have the money to pay.

Even though I can't afford to live in my own country, I would never renounce my citizenship. I am proud of the people and what my country (used) to stand for.

Don't knock it until you've investigated all the services that are offered free or subsidized.  🇺🇸
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to SueC1957
Report

My feelings of inadequacy and the guilt that follows every time I don't measure up to Teepa Snow.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to anonymous247183
Report

That we live in a crap country that doesn’t provide free home health,assisted living or nursing homes.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Katlady2244
Report

Margaret, I hope you can get her out of your home soon; maybe keep the cat away from her, too? I know a woman who's kid acted like your mom (the demonic face and voice) and he actually killed one of their cats - he's 3 yrs old!  
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to mally1
Report

Lack of sleep for a 24/7 caregiver. But I tell you I can put up with the S**t a lot easier than put up with the BS from those outsiders who come and give stupid advice...they are never here except to criticize. Then they go off to their highty-tiddy friends and gossip.
Otherwise, all is wonderful
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to whatsagipper
Report

My mother is insane and it isn’t working out with her living here with me. Her latest rampage was tearing up her granddaughter’s graduation picture saying she was an illegal who came over on the boat. I was totally horrified when she told me don’t bud in on her business with a snare on her face. She sounded and looked like a demon. I’m terrified of what she is going to destroy next and on top of everything she keeps saying she is in perfect health. We went to a health seminar and she raised her hand and stated her advanced age and declared there wasn’t one thing wrong with her and the whole audience started applauding and the speaker said well at least we have one healthy person here! I leaned over to the man to my left and told him my mother is lying up a storm and he started laughing. Her dementia doctor already referred me to take her to a psychiatrist and I’m going to very soon but I heard the psychotic meds they prescribe shorten a person’s life. My mother has many other health problems which I won’t get into. I just hope she doesn’t stab the cat tonite while I’m sleeping.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Margaret67
Report
sidelined Aug 2018
Good Lord, this is awful.... Maybe you should lock her door from the outside while the family is sleeping
(0)
Report
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter