I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
Caregiving is damaging my physical and mental health, I feel like I am serving a life sentence, and when it ends there will be guilt and grief. Already there is not much of me left, I can feel myself fading. I guess this is what acceptance and resignation feel like; I no longer have the energy or motivation to even try to hold on to what little of what I once was remains.
Oh and potty duty. I always thought I could never do that, but here I am. And never, ever being able to sleep till I wake up naturally.
In your previous posts, you had mentioned that placing your mom in a memory care facility was not an option at that time. Is this still true, or is it something that may be a possibility? Could she go to adult day care some during the day so you could have some time to rest and have a break?
Try to take care of you too. You owe it to yourself. I know it's not easy to do sometimes but you are important too.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture. How long have you been existing on lack of sleep? Are you the only one taking care of her? If she is indeed your MIL, where is your husband? Where are his siblings? (And if it's your mother, where are YOUR siblings?)
God bless you
The non stop eating!
And my family, because they can't make a decision!
It takes FOREVER to get Mom up and in her chair to go outside or to get to the bathroom. While trying to move her she looses focus and talks to or about the animals! I'm holding all her weight and she'll say
" aww look, he's sleeping upside down"
Mooooom HELLO HELP ME HERE!!!
Then after getting her where she needs to go she says "I want to go lay down." No sooner do I jack *ss her back to bed, she claims she's gotta pee again or wants to sit outside!!!
And Everytime I give her her food, I take one bite of mine.....she gotta pee!!!! Oh h*ll no! My meal is over!
When my honey had his strokes I knew what to do having dealt with my Dad's strokes and my own. With the edema and extreme heart problems I have been in unfamiliar territory. And I told the doctors this. All that we can do is trust in our instincts and what our heart is telling us and go accordingly. We do the best we can. As you said ..she is still healthy at 92. That says a lot in itself.
Am I serving her meals on trays because I want to or because it’s easier?
I just don’t seem to know what I should be doing and what I should make her do. Am I enabling her to the point I’ve made her decrepit and weak? I just don’t know.
Have I added years to her life just for her to be infirm and listless? Did I do it for her or did I do it for me? Isn’t it late to just now be asking the questions that I as an over achiever took on without any thought to our futures? I’m afraid it is late and that I may have created a lot of what I call my problems. Yet, I don’t know how I would have done anything different. She’s still healthy at 92 but her body is wearing out.
There are no easy answers, but please try to carve out time for yourself, even if it is small portions. Best of wishes!
The way to make your sister understand ...record some of the incidents that happen there and then let her listen. Another way...see if she can stay with your Mom a day or two so that you can get a reprieve. Then she should understand. In all likelihood the first day would be the "honeymoon" period and possibly the second reality would set in. Don't know if she would do it but worth a try.
Please keep us posted.
Today my mom didnt hear me come in the front door. She said "gee,if I'd had a gun i could have killed you". I told her that was a terrible thing to say and she told me she was sick of me sneaking around
I wish i could find a way out of this mess. It makes me,sick when i hear her talking to my sister on the phone. All sweet like. I cant make my sister undetstand whats really going on.
Thank you so much!
Huge Cyber Huggz💝
This, by far, is the worst part of this experience.
Thank you for standing up for America.
We are only HUMAN. Is Teepa Snow a 24/7 caregiver? I doubt it. She's an educated woman that has studied dementia and come up with ways to work with it. She's not a god.
She is presenting information that has worked for "most" people. Your situation may be completely different. There will always be the few (my mom) that doesn't fit the mold and the suggestions don't work.
We never studied how to handle this in school. For that matter, I don't believe I even heard of dementia until I was in my 20's. Dementia probably snuck up on us and left us blindsided. We had to learn how to handle our loved ones in a HURRY. Finally, now are there books about it. It's not a one size fits all experience.
If you are caregiving, you are more than "adequate".
Don't beat yourself up if you have a meltdown or a loud answer. This is the most demanding job on the face of the earth with no gratitude, financial compensation or even assistance from those that could help. What other job demands such loyalty for absolutely no reward? None.
Get out of the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). You're doing the best you can with impossible circumstances.
(((Big hugs)))
Even though I live in Mexico (for financial reasons), I will always be an American. I pay taxes in the U.S. and shop and get services there too. I am boosting the economy of America.
I vehemently disagree with the leadership that we have in place but America is a country of PEOPLE. They are what makes our country great.
So, believe it or not, this "crap" country DOES provide free nursing homes to its poor citizens and free health insurance (Medicaid), also free hospice, in some instances free home health (not custodial care), free Medicare health insurance, huge discounts on transportation (sometimes free), free food stamps if needed, subsidized housing, and the list goes on.
I guess we could have everything free if we wanted to be like the Nordic countries that tax your wages at 50%+.
Yeah, America isn't perfect but I challenge you to look at the other couple hundred countries in the world and find the amount of free and reduced services that we have.
If you're not happy with your "crap" country, maybe you'd like to move to many other countries-where they kick you out of the hospital and let you die in the street if you don't have the money to pay.
Even though I can't afford to live in my own country, I would never renounce my citizenship. I am proud of the people and what my country (used) to stand for.
Don't knock it until you've investigated all the services that are offered free or subsidized. 🇺🇸
Otherwise, all is wonderful