I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
I agree with Roses003. Your life is not over.. do not let guilt and caregiving do this to you. Your life is just as important as anyone else.. even your mother. No one should have to give up their life to keep another going on and on.
You aren't going to do your mom any good in the long run if you don't take care of yourself first.
I relate to your post as I have also had very low times through my caregiving journey. Please realize that your life matters. You need to get away.. you can grow from this experience if you take the right path.
Please reach out and get help!
((Hugs))
You NEED to give yourself some respite, somehow. Urgently.
And you NEED to start taking care of yourself. Urgently.
You’ve truly given up on life and are experiencing a deep depression, help yourself Dana! Please commit to do something for you everyday, can you go for a walk for half hour in the morning and then go get coffee, see a friend or get a manicure for an hour or so in the afternoon? Something that you enjoy and doesn’t require a long time away, but you NEED this, please trust me.
Your daughter if nearby and who loves her grandma...and loves YOU! Will likely be glad to stay with her while you do that. Right?
Don’t pray for cancer! you are praying for it so your daughter doesn’t have to sacrifice herself to care for you...yet, do you know how hard and traumatizing it is to see your loved one deal with the monstrously of cancer?? And then die?
If you want to help and protect your daughter, do it by helping and protecting yourself!!
I’d suggest look for a therapist ASAP! But I don’t think you will, so please at least do some of what I’m suggesting, go for walks, breath! Smile, find the bright side of life in the small things.
I pray your find the strength to help yourself!!
Then after caregiving will be the long grieving. (Yes, I've tried antidepressants, and they do not work for me and have horrible side effects). No chance of a career for me, or even a decent job. It is what it is, and all I can do is pray for peace, and I literally pray for cancer so that I die before needing a caregiver. My daugher is not going to be allowed to sacrifice her life, and that is what we caregivers do, and there is no end in sight, at least for me. What remains of my life is defined by caregiving. I don't feel like a person any more, just a servant to my family.
Funny I was just thinking that there should be a get together for all the caregivers that was a nice vacation like Maui or some other lovely peaceful place where we could all rest and have fun that we really do deserve after all these years of servitude. Great idea! 🍹🏝 🎉 💃
I hate crying, absolutely hate it, despise it, and loath it. My mom is an emotional person and sometimes she ends up crying due to either physical or emotional pain. Also, moaning in pain, right up there with my hatred of crying.
You are a wise woman to know your limitations, wish I could have known mine before going down this long and nightmarish road.
Looking forward to getting my life back again!
Oh believe me I am, no turning back no matter how she cries. She never saw fit to defend me, care about the sacrifices I made so I will do this and know
A) It IS the right thing to do under present mental capacity
B) If I don’t, it will be my own demise physically as well as mentally.
I have done as I promised, I will sleep better than I have since I took this on.
******Hugs ***** My conscious in clear. 😁
Thank you for your support, it means a lot to me!
Now that I told Mom she needs to go to an ALF because I cannot watch her 24/7 365, now she LOVES me and is begging to stay. Too late. Too many accidents, ignoring my constant pleas to do the right things to keep her safe. It’s sad because it’s like a kid saying, “I promise to be good now.” She cannot understand that she is not safe alone anymore and she has used up all her second chances. Now I will go back to being the bad one because I alone will be the one choosing and placing her in a facility for her safety. I know she will think I am punishing her instead of remembering all the times I saved her, spoiled her rotten, sacrificed so much, saved her lots of money and handled everything for her while my brothers did zero.
That is why I feel it is thankless. The ones who are the caregivers get criticized, blamed, accused by siblings who don’t have a clue what we go through everyday but never offer to take them out for the day, ask us if they can help out, spend enough time with them to see for themselves how much their parents have declined giving them a tiny glimpse of what we deal with every single day.
I am so jealous of the siblings that are close and all take part in pitching in to help each other out. Wish I had been born into one of those families.
I am not allowed to say a word against them. They are all so "busy"! We took my mother out to a park for Easter, and she told me later that day (when I took her to church) to make sure to thank my husband for doing that. *I* did it, too, but I don't count. I'm just the Dummy Driver Daughter!
(But at least she doesn't live with me, and never will. I am also not going to provide any type of personal care for her. She will have to pay herself for that kind of help. She has the money and can afford it.)
Your words are always reassuring! Spoke to her sister for a while today, she is still working as an RN in a very nice ALF in Chicago, she is 80!!!!
Sharp as a tack and in great physical shape even after going through two breast cancer surgeries, she is a marvel. Told her all the latest and she said she agreed this was the best plan under the new circumstances. She had phoned Mom on Sunday to wish her a “Happy Easter” and Mom asked her the names of her kids and how they were doing. My Aunt has never had children. *Yikes* 🤭
So, she just kept quiet and redirected her.
Mom of course was very unhappy when I tried having “the talk” because who really volunteers to go to an ALF, but I tried reminding her that before she ever moved in with my husband and I, I was completely honest and told her if she ever got to the point where she needed 24/7 care for her safety, I would not be able to do it and would have to put her in a facility. I never led her to think otherwise. I cannot worry about her if I am doing laundry, cleaning the house, taking a shower, making a quick run somewhere or going to sleep at night. When I am not feeling well, how can I care for myself? I know she will forget “the talk” and it won’t gel until I start taking her on tours of facilities. Oh how I dread if she has a meltdown. 🙏🏻
DonnaMae,
I know what you mean. There were many times I did not know how much to help and when to back off. Very confusing when they go back and forth. You just have to use your best judgement and if she snipes at you, then step back and observe (out of the corner of your eye if neccessary) and see how she does. Don’t let on you are watching her, pretend to be busy with something else and let her “do her thing.” Then you can see if she is struggling or if she is truly capable. This could change in a week of course! LOL! Unfortunately, behaviors can always morph and I have learned you have to reconcile with this fact. I have been through A LOT with Mom for 5+ years, her stubborness, denial, ignoring my requests, her calling me to help change her lightbulbs, appliance troubles, etc. Hang in there, nothing lasts forever. Do ask her not to yell at you, you deserve respect as well.
Yes, she has become MUCH WORSE. My health is going down the toilet, too many traumas, I saved her money as long as I could for the day that she became a danger to be left alone and needed to be cared for 24/7. I gave her 5 good years of living and spoiling her.
I saved her life numerous times, gave up my career, health coverage, put a huge strain on my marriage, my sanity, dealing with my screwed up family, a few hours a day @ 100 a day isn’t going to help me nor her finances. If I put her in a facility, I can rent out her cottage which will greatly help paying for her care. If she stays, it is just more money going out with nothing to “offset the cost.” I am a pretty smart gal, worked as a caregiver for a major franchise for 3 years, I know enough to know when the time has come. * HUGS GOLDEN * To me, you are always an amazing woman I admire greatly! 🤩
She needs ‘constant watching” now, the rate where I live (and I worked as a caregiver so I know) is 30 an hour with a 3 hr minimum. That adds up fast! 3 hrs here and there is not helping the situation. I cannot keep going with an adult who’s mind is that of a 2 year old that cannot be trusted to be safe left alone anymore. She is getting way worse and I am running on fumes. She will be gone soon and I am not yet 50. Should I continue to allow my health, mental and financial state suffer until I am the one who ends up useless from the toll of the stress? I am smart enough to know “the time has come” and it is best for both of us.
I do not want to end up resenting her for the last bit of her life and I am getting there quickly. Everytime I check on her she is doing something she shouldn’t be doing. She is a major fall risk and memory almost gone. It’s like talking to a wall.
I completely understand except I am 5 years in ( living with her, not counting the rescues prior ) and I am really getting to the point where I am just not sure how much longer I can keep doing this all on my own, my own mental/physical health is really starting to show the damage this is having on me. I am actively looking for alternatives now before I become so bad, I am useless to help her in anyway. Now ALF’s are looking pretty good to me but where I live, anything to do with eldercare is a fortune! That is why I have taken all this on, so she doesn’t go broke because she won’t qualify for State Assistance, makes too much in her SS check but not nearly enough to afford outside help without blowing through what little money I have been trying to protect for the “just in case.” I gotta do something though, this is gonna end up destroying me.
---the guilt that even when I have done all I can do, feels like I could have done more.
---Knowing one day she won't be here, and how I will regret any ill feelings I have now, and miss her terribly.
I do love her dearly.
May God bless all of you caregivers past/present/future.
The resentment I feel is tough to handle. I will give up years of my life that he just got to enjoy of his. I just want to run away. He is the center of the universe now and seems to be loving it. He's become a child that needs constant attention. We're no longer husband and wife. There is not one thing he can do for me now.
I also have a son who was severely disabled just last year and have had to put hubby first.. that I really resent.
Now, 44 hours later, Saturday, she's been solid in bed practically asleep. Nothing to eat and about total of 1/2 cup of fluid. We've started her on Ativan to calm the jerking so bad she was sweating and a hazard to herself, almost like constant seizing or horrific TIAs. She groaned and grimaced in pain so she's now on morphine too.
I don't know if she'll have another good day.