Parents in same house 50+ years, not interested in exploring other housing options now, both 83, ok health, mom doesn't drive. Need advice.

They have both been pretty clear about it - deal with it when the time comes. So far, they are both relatively ok and the 'time' hasn't come. They apparently love their things, their home, and the way it is (and has been). The large dining table is still a part of large gatherings - family and friends - and happy times.

If you think you're stressed thinking about having to sort out the what-nots and possessions of their lives, just imagine what it does to them to try and start a new chapter with very little from their home. If they both had severe dementia issues and wouldn't remember the beautiful blue chair that Aunt Emma gave them, it would be one thing. However, from what you've said this is not the issue.

I say, quit sweating over the sorting and the boxes of stuff in the closets and let them be in their own familiar home as long as they can. If they need a little assistance with cleaning, get them some assistance. That big rambling ranch home will prove useful for family to continue to visit with them for a week or so and to get around without bumping into things (if they were in a tiny house).

Some day someone will be cleaning up what you/your siblings leave behind. It might be a big job or you may choose to do things differently. Some folks attach sentimental value to things while others do not. Leave it be for now. If you have worries about them alone in the house, get them an alert to wear on their neck. The 5star sold at walmart even has gps to see where they are.

Logan, you do not have to be hands on. Since you are concerned, find a place for them to go when the time is ripe. Then just hire an Estate Sale company to empty the house. We have some who will sell what they can and dispose of the rest. Then find a Real Estate person who will, for a fee, get the house ready to put on the market and sell it. You do not have to be hands on, you can direct it from a distance.

For all of you "younger" people out there, what are you doing so your children don't have to to worry about this? Are you emptying your house? I am slowly doing it, I dispose of at least one thing a week.

I started helping Mom sort thru her stuff gradually. Each visit I would clear out a drawer or closet or cabinet. I would throw out the trash, shred old documents, and sort the rest into boxes for her to look through for things to keep. Next visit I would get rid of the stuff she didn’t want and box the rest up for storage. It took about 6 months, 57 years worth of treasures!

Now she is in Assisted Living in one room. We gradually moved in the furniture she had selected, adding a few pieces as needed, took out a few once she realized she didn’t need them. Everything else she wanted to keep I put into a storage unit nearby. When she recalls something she wants to see I can easily bring it over for her. We passed on some stuff, auctioned off the rest and banked the money.

I did it all with her cooperation, letting her make the choices. She offered specific pieces to neighbors, friends and family. I think it helped that the stuff was going to be put to good use by someone she knew, not just random strangers.

I feel your pain! My mom lived in a cute townhouse for many years, but recently she had a couple of bad falls. She broke her wrist once and then her shoulder. The townhouse had a very steep staircase to the second floor and I realized that she could no longer live in this house. She didn't want to move because she felt safe and really didn't want change. My husband and I decided to start looking for a one floor apartment for her. We were lucky to find something close by to where here townhouse was and convinced her to move. We hired a mover and pretty much did all the packing. The bottom line is that she loves her new place and I wish we had moved her sooner.

I'm sorry I didn't read through all the responses below but I can tell you what we have been doing. I have one brother who lives about 20-30 min from Mom and one that lives in CA (Mom is n CT), I live about 4.5 hrs away so we have a little of everything as far as proximity goes. We are fortunate in that both brothers are airline pilots so getting back east is time consuming and hard to schedule but not cost prohibitive for youngest bro. Our mom lives in my grandmothers home so while things were dived up after GM passing much was left including tons of stuff that no one wanted to go through and things one of mom's siblings wanted "but didn't have room for yet", ugh! The house has been collecting stuff for at least 50 years and no resident has ever been good about purging or organizing. So we have work sessions whenever we can, where the three of us and any of our spouses and or children we can wrangle collect at Mom's for a long weekend or a few days (pilot schedules). It's actually been great because it get's us all together for a few days and we get stuff accomplished. We have fun and we get to tell stories and reminisce at night or during breaks together. We also get one on one time with each other because two of us for instance might be going through boxes in one room while others are working in the basement. We tried to keep ourselves from being overly ambitious during any one of these sessions, we know we are only making a dent each time but planned out properly it's a good dent. After tossing the things we know we can we go through boxes and have system set up with bins to categorize and store or have mom "sort" through on her own after we leave. If it doesn't happen that's ok we know we are one step closer to it being easier next time. There was a reasonable fear that my siblings and I might not be any better at parting with stuff than my mom so we had and still have a plan in place where my husband and my SIL whom we all trust with our family treasures will go through these bins or boxes and toss, make a pile to ask us about and another of the things they know need to be kept. As they don't have the history or same attachment to my Grandmother, Great Grandmother or Great Aunt's chachkies or scent that we do they can toss broken stuff but they know and love us enough that they would never toss something that might be important and between them they can check each other. But we haven't had to plan that yet, mom actually got into it while everyone was around working and tossed far more stuff than she ever would have otherwise.
When my GGM passes her children all went into the house and tagged the items they wanted, for the items more than one wanted they did a draw so each had a turn to claim something and I know they also deffer'd to each other. Then after that first round was done, their kids were allowed to come in and claim stuff they would like, more of a free tag sale for them and then the next day their kids (I was in this group), the stuff still left after that weekend was then offered to family friends etc...on to public tag sale or donate. My GM did a similar thing but she asked us all to tag things we would like long before she passed so later when her kids did their turns claiming things they knew what was important to their kids as well and stuff was already tagged (somewhere inconspicuous) or my GM gifted items before she passed so they weren't part of what was left, some had her tag of who it went to for instance. Perhaps you could do some form of this including mom and dad, making it a family project that doesn't feel threatening like they are preparing to leave but accomplishes something positive for all. I have to say the forcing of us to get together has benefits far beyond productivity. But these events organizing belongings and learning about what is important to their loved ones, memories might help them organize the other practical stuff, start feeling good about preparation in all areas, Nvr knw

This was my life. Parents in a mother daughter home over 50 years. Dad passes away suddenly 5 month later have to put mom in assisted living with AD. Need to sell house fast to pay for care. Took three dumpsters. My brother also passed away so it was all on me. Had tried to convince parents to move into something smaller. Or possible in with us in a two family. Didn’t want to hear any of it. I think when they reach 80 it’s too late for them to make decisions to sell. Also the thought must be overwhelming. Good luck. Start cleaning stuff out now if you can.

My parents were married 67 years and lived in their home for for 57 years so you can imagine the trove of stuff they accumulated. I tried for years to get them to downsize and move to a smaller, safer home but they wouldn’t listen, what would happen to all of their "stuff?"

Once I began to gradually clean out drawers and closets for them I realized they weren’t saving things, it was the memories associated with them. Aunt Betty's sofa, grandma's chair, Boy Scout badges my dad had earned, baby things Mom had made, all had a place or personal connection.

So I put the important things in storage and asked my parents who they wanted to pass specific things on to. The thought that an item was being used by someone who would appreciate it was helpful in getting it out of the house.

They are old and don't like to be reminded they are on their way out. I started doing that with my parents, but quit. Glad I did. Dad had heart problems and eventually died. Mom lived on in the house for 5 more years until she couldn't cook for herself. She loved that house as did dad. My daughter with 5 kids ended up having to move there, when her marriage broke up. She cleaned up a lot of things and lived there for about 4 years. Then my son took over and is still living there. He has remodeled and feels close to his grandma and grandpa, always has. My dad always said it would be the family house when they were gone, and it has become that. I am glad. Oh, I took my mom into our house where she lived another 10 years.

This very same thing happened to my mother - she waited too long to make any decision on where she would live into old age, saying "I'm so happy that I stayed in my own home." My response from another state 7 states away - "Well, I'm not because now you've given me no other option but to leave my home, my family, my LIFE and move in with you." Inconvenient much?! I don't know what may work for YOU, but ask them "what will happen when they have a medical emergency? Do they expect you to come running?" My trips to Boston became very frequent and finally I had to move in with my mother!!!
Depression-era mindsets come into play with elders. They used to keep EVERYTHING - itty bitty slivers of soap, socks, etc. Good heavens - that makes it extremely hard on the adult children to sort through the mountains of hoarding "because they don't know if they can get the product again." I'm not implying that your parents have that much stuff, though you did mention "the attic." Good luck and prayers sent!

Is storage an option? That way, they might not have the feeling that they are really losing their “stuff” forever. There are people who will just haul away stuff. I have to think that they really can get along without the stuff in the attic.
I’m sorry I have no better suggestions . I hear you and I can’t imagine what it must be like.
We recently moved to an apartment and I hired a lady to come in twice a month to help with cleaning (hubby and I are disabled.) She is a declutterer and she’s really helping me get over my packrat tendencies.
It wasn’t easy at first but I got better at it, thanks to her. But it sounds as if your parents hear only what they want to hear.
I wish you the best.

I am just floored that you are asking them to give up everything they worked their entire lives for so you won't be inconvenienced if they get ill or when they die.

I say leave them alone, they are doing okay and you can hire professionals to take care of their worldly possessions when they die.

To force such huge changes on our seniors is why the laws are so strict and those of us that have demented parents cannot do anything without guardianship. We have to protect them from this kind of selfish nonsense.

I am sorry that them living the way they choose is such a burden for you. Remember, you will get old to and you will be sorry you dealt so selfishly with your aged parents.

I see this happening all too often. Old people refuse to accept the state of affairs and do any planning whatsoever no matter how often help and advice are offered. I would give it one last try, perhaps with someone with you in an official capacity, i.e. an attorney, who can tell them what will happen if they don't shape up and do what is necessary now. If they still refuse to plan or take charge of matters, then tell them in no uncertain terms so they fully understand - unless they act now, YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL N O T BE THERE FOR THEM WHEN THINGS HAPPEN. YOU WILL WALK AWAY. Be prepared to do that, because that is the only thing that may shape them up. And if worst comes to worst, then you are NOT obligated to help because they refused to help themselves. Remember, what they sow is what they will reap. They must be made to understand this before it is too late. Get very tough with them.

Imagine the home you now live in, you have memories in every corner, piece of furniture, every box in the attic that is filled with pictures or whatever else may be there. Now imagine you are told to get rid of it and keep just enough to fill one room in a care home somewhere.  I am a Director of nursing and this is what I tell my care givers when they start to complain.  I don't mean to sound harsh but you are thinking of what is best for you, not for them.  Did they treat you that way when you were raised by them?

I'm only 60 but from caring for several seniors I've come to better understand that certain changes represent the beginning of "the end". I'm a nostalgic person so I have a fair amount of memorabilia, mementos, keepsakes. Not a hoarder, by any means. I think I can understand why your parents aren't ready to downsize.

Are there any kids or grandkids local to them who may enjoy going through things with them and given the chance to see and learn about the items your parents are holding close? Maybe if your parents see someone close to them might appreciate an item, they may be more willing to surrender or gift it to them sooner rather than later.

Maybe offer to help your parents make their home simpler and safer for them. Easier to clean and maintain, etc. It might be easier to sell downsizing as something less scary.

My friend's gramma had a wise idea: she invited her grandkids over for a fun meal together and told them that if they wanted anything in her house, they were to put a ticket with their name on it in a bowl designated for that item. Then when all the grandkids went through her house, if any bowl had more than 1 ticket in it she had a raffle to see who would get it. Somehow they kept it so that no one person by chance "won" too many items. Then they recorded the results, or, if gramma was willing, she'd let them take it right then. Gramma enjoyed a wonderful day with her grandkids plus got to experience the joy of seeing them "inherit" her sentimental or valuable item and the kids got to show love and gratitude and excitement directly to her. I just love this idea.

rovana: We had tried many things with my late mother's living conditions/arrangements and she DEMANDED to live alone in her own home 7 states away from me and all the way across the country from my brother. There was no one else to take care of her. Many might think that I'm harsh, but I told her that "she had lost the choice of where she would live and in the end the choice had to be made by me." She did not want to leave her house.

Logan it's been 3 years that we had to have my parents move in with us thinking it was the right thing to do. Mom was beginning the first few stages of Alzheimer. If I had to do it over again. I would have let them stay in their own house and would have diligently found in home care at the different levels. Like meals on wheels. Personal grocery shopper that delivered and a house cleaner that did clothes washing.

My parents had the funds. However we had to redo their 60 year old house had to have a lot of remodeling to be able to sell. We may have broke even of not a loss. Then downsizing with them and having to purge 5-6 times would have been 10x easier if we would have waited. No hurt in "organizing" now.

Wish we could have seen the future and gave them the dignity to the end.

Hope you can find a way to do what they wish to do. Keep them home with help 👍.