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I think you need to take another approach. Sounds like your parents do not really need to move today but you are right that the time will come eventually. I suggest you talk about the eventually and not the now. When you cannot keep up the house or need help with your daily self care, what do you want to do? Hire in home help? Move to a senior apartment/condo/housing community? Assisted Living? Take about costs and how much of their current stuff they can take with them in the various options. Comparing what it cost to hire yard work and some household cleaning to an AL apartment led one of my mother's friends to make the move to AL. Talk about alterations they can make to the ranch to support living there longer in safety like brighter lights in the hallway, night lights that run on a battery when the power is out, security system with fire alarms and a panic button to summons help, grab bars, etc. One of the "features" my parents liked about ceiling fan light kits was the ability to change the light bulbs with a extender without using a ladder (vs standing on a ladder unscrewing and removing a light cover before accessing the bulbs). Since LEDs have a longer life than traditional bulbs, maybe replacing all the bulbs with LEDs? Motion detector exterior lights? A ramp at one entrance or a vertical grab bar on the door frame since older people sometimes have balance issues well before weakness?

Help with thinning out the plain household stuff that is no longer needed/used. (Are you going to raise a garden and can again? Can we give your canning supplies to the Senior Center to use in their apple butter canning?) Don't go after Mom's wedding china yet unless there is someone who would love to have it. My mother identified very few things she wanted when she moved into my house, a few items of furniture (mostly for her bedroom), her clothes and accessories, a rose bush, a few pictures and prints for her room, and her corner china cupboard with her china and crystal. That china and crystal includes not only gifts from wedding well wishers now long dead but also serving pieces my father gave her over the years as anniversary presents. It also brings back memories of family dinners and of entertaining church circles and ladies groups when the items were used. When the china does go, I suggest you take some pictures, both as normally displayed and a few closeups.

You may find when you suggest and work with your parents to determine and help them achieve their goals, they will have more consideration for your point of view too.
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Seems their plan is to ride out the rest of their lives and let the kids handle it when they're gone.

I have no real answers as to why some elderly parents have this mindset. Some genuinely don't accept their age and that they likely won't be around in 10-20 years at the most. It's a depressing thought for sure, so can't entirely blame them. My mother is 77 and insists "that isn't close to 80" and that she has all the time in the world to get things together. I do know she's scared of death. She has the notion if she doesn't think about dying or make any plans, then it won't happen.
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Beekee Jun 2019
They can lose the ability to think ahead, lose the ability to imagine how other people will feel, lose the ability to make complex plans and carry them out. They don't necessarily have dementia yet, but they have cognitive impairment that can be due to undiagnosed medical issues and/or medication side effects. They know you, they speak and read and write and drive, but their thinking is already impaired. Ask her how old she was 20 years ago. Say a six-digit number and ask him to write it down.
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Just a thought. Find what resources are available where they live. Office of Aging may have a booklet of services. One would be a Senior Bus they want to take advantage of. Medicaid has services but you need to be low income. It would be helpful for you and siblings to know what is available too.
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"Sorry if this has been posted in the past."

ROFL!

About once a week, I'd say!

But not about your parents, your family and your stress from trying to get a grip on it, I know. It's different every time for every person, and I'm only being flippant because if we didn't laugh we'd burst into tears.

To reduce your stress in the immediate term, assume that your parents are not going to lift a finger, that some crisis will force one or both of them into to move in a hurry, and that you will have a major clearing project on your hands in due course.

Then, any developments that do alleviate the problem will be an agreeable surprise. But even that worst case scenario, even though it isn't what you want to happen, would be survivable. Expensive, wasteful, not the ideal you'd like for your parents, and stressful at the time; but stressful at the time is better than *useless*, unproductive stress for months and years beforehand. Assume that nothing will happen until they encounter their force majeure, and then at least for the time being you can relax and let them be.

Does any child of your parents live closer to them and have more time available? Has anyone been appointed their health proxy, or been given a specific health POA?

There is also the frustration that your parents, as you say, don't seem to understand that their lack of planning will become your emergency, to borrow from the epigram. Don't understand? It's more complicated than that. The effort involved in their making and executing a sensible plan looks, to them, enormous. The consequences of not doing so are distant elephants. I don't want to say they don't care - they care - but compared to the daunting prospect of moving, to a place they'll at best have mixed feelings about; they don't care nearly as much as they don't want to do all that.

Tactics that have been known to work, ever:

Choice. Choose now, walk in, and enjoy a new phase of life; or wait, get wheeled into the nearest place where they know nobody, and have to start again when ill, bereaved or both.

Pull rather than push. This takes research - find a facility or community that is so perfect they really can see themselves living there. Just narrowing my eyes at the "too expensive" one they rejected: was it? Terribly expensive? Or was that only an excuse, do you think?

Good examples. Do they have any peers who have successfully made the leap and are now having a nice time? Visits to such people might yield results, you never know.

The purging you are going to have to do, come what may. WHEN (let's be optimistic) your parents do move, you take pictures of the new place and populate it with selected possessions. That way, the focus is on what they're taking (exciting) and not what they have to leave behind (depressing at best, and can be a deal-breaker). This gives you time to move in after, with all family hands to the pumps or professional services.
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lindabf Jun 2019
Another thought: Devote one hour of “visit” time to purging a shelf or drawer or closet together rather than leaving them alone to do it. Why? As I age, it gets harder and harder to do everything associated with purging/downsizing alone — find boxes, fill boxes, carry boxes to garage, take boxes to donation center. I’ve started trying to fill a box or two a week for now. Or sometimes a shelf or two a day. As long as there is continuing forward motion that doesn’t overwhelm me. When my husband or sister or others are willing to help me as we visit over the task, it goes faster, we share memories, and it is something I look forward to rather than dreading. Most of my children and grandchildren live too far away for this to be a regular occurrence, but my sister and my husband (even with dementia) are a meaningful part of the process and I feel less isolated and more in charge. My goal: empty attic, orderly closets and drawers, efficiently stocked kitchen, and orderly garage by the time I die. The more I do before then, the more I get to enjoy the order. And by the way, I’m only early 70’s, so I’ve probably got 20-30 years to complete the project. I’ve told my kids to take what they want now or after I die, and feel free to trash the rest. What’s precious to me will often be junk to them and by that time, I truly won’t care.
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I'm thinking we wear the same shoes......I honestly hate to say this, but give it awhile because it will probably get worse. At you parents age, mine were going to estate sales to add big pieces of furniture to an already cluttered home. And to purchase a piece to replace a piece? God forbid. They now have wall to wall furniture and the battle ensues from there. I was able to thin things out a bit to make it manageable for safety concerns.....but only added those items to an already stuffed to the gills basement and they now have two rooms on the main level that are not even functional. As you, I have been after them since (the oldest and executor) to at least explore other living options. They are now 89 and 90.....and not moving anytime soon or attempting to downsize possessions. I feel your pain, and I fear we will be left floundering because we all know at this age health issues only decline. Mom tells me when we approach this subject is much the same...."when I get a chance"...... I'll start soon"or "you don't want me to have anything nice"....... are her usual responses. It's been five years. My hope for you is that your parents see the light and will understand that their decision to remain in place seriously impacts the lives and concerns of their children. And let's face it....far easier to move while they have one another than to wait until the adjustment has to be made solo.
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When we think of letting go of the trappings of a life time it's an emotional minefield. For you, it's a simple matter of them choosing to downsize so that your life can be easier later on. It's logical but logic has no strength against feelings.

For them, it's likely feeling more like THE END to their life. Besides being physically painful work it's likely also a reminder that the life they have spent a life-time building is now gone, forever. In general I find adults at this point often feel that there's nothing left to do but die.

It's my opinion that they need something to look forward to, something to remind them that they're still alive and new adventures are ahead. They need to feel that getting rid of the stuff will set them free for the next step in their adventures. Without hope, without distraction, without a reason for moving on. Without those... maybe the abyss they're looking in to is just too much for them to face with right now?

I'm in process of getting rid of the trappings of my life in order to spend a few years traveling before I get down to the business of dying. Which for me is the final adventure. Each box I haul to the curb, take to the donation drop off or sell in a yard sale is another nail in the coffin of what was once my life. I don't want to leave this to my kids to do, but I understand the reason so many others may want to avoid the inevitable pain all these dusty corners stirs up. I'm not even the personality type that attaches to things, yet, the memories can be painful when jostled. Good luck, I know that what's ahead for you is a huge transition. I hope you find a way to make it feel more like an adventure and less like a dream-funeral.
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Very common situation. At their age, it is probably a lot more than being lazy that is keeping them from moving on. Finding a place to live and clearing out your current house, etc. is a LOT of work at any age, never mind at 83! So that is probably where a of the resistance could be coming from.

I think it might, unfortunately, be on your shoulders to come up with solutions to the roadblocks. Who can help them clear out the house? Likely, they don't have the energy to do it themselves. The bedroom furniture - who will sell what they have now and get a nice set for the smaller place? Too many moving parts for many elderly to deal with.

If you really want this to happen sooner rather than later, it's going to be a lot of work.

And if your parents are still "with it", you can't force them to do anything. If they were unsafe, you would have more ammunition to get things done. Otherwise, you can just plant seeds and offer solutions and see how it goes.

Good luck.
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I would say that there is zero you can do about this. You are either a downsizer or you are not. My brother and I were raised by parents that downsized and moved to "make ourselves safe and you kids not having to handle it all when we go". So we follow how we were raised. Bro at 85 downsized to a small historic old trailer in a historic park, organizing everything picture perfect and now in assisted living with me as his POA. Made easy for me in every way. I at 76 have downsized everything enormously and left detailed instructions, putting everything in order. In fact I have a booklet for my executor describing everything, where to call, what to do, and it is called "I have put my house in order". ALL THAT SAID I have a friend much more disabled, crippled really, with a ton of animals and a house chock FULL of stuff, another house her Mom left her with a rental on property, and she will not let go of a thing. As you can see, we are both of sound mind (somewhat, anyway, hee hee) and are living our lives differently. Yes, you will have to go, as executor to take care of everything. Best you can do now is try to know what the finances are because soon things will be out of Mom and Dad's hands due to aging changes. You will need to act for them while living and when dead. Everyone thinks that because we are "all grown up" we feel competent to do this, and we DO NOT. I will only tell you that things DO get done, a day at a time, that you can hire people to help, and get advice when the time comes. Meanwhile try not to torment yourself before those TIMES do come. Remember that old Shakespeare things about the coward dying many deaths; because the truth is that the worry is the worst of it. Once it happens you kind of sink in your teeth and hold on day by day. Try to enjoy the problem free time while you can. My heart goes out to you.
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My in laws moved from NJ to Fla in 1989. FIL had just gone thru Chemo for lung cancer, my MIL, heart valve surgery. But she wanted to move to Fla near her sister and his brother. Three years later, my FIL passed due to the cancer coming back. She wanted to stay down there, now 70. Twenty years later she is 90. BIL asks her to move to independent living near him in GA. No, she was staying in her house. Once my husband was retired, it was "move down here". No, I have children and grands up her. Plus, no one to care for Mom when she needs it. Eventually, she suffered aa bad UTI that landed her in rehab which she would not participate in. She was told she could not now live alone and none of her sons could move in with her. She would need to go to a rehab where the closest son lived, in GA. Oh no she wasn't. At almost 92 she willed herself to die. My husband still misses her, but he feels she went out the way she wanted.

There is a couple in Church that she passed in her 90s and he is 100 now. I think he maybe declining a little but he still lives in his own house. He is lucky that his daughter is next door. We have a former police officer that is 101 and living in his home. But he does have a son and DIL who check on him daily.

People can be independent in their 80s and 90s. I would just dropbthe subject for now. At least they are in a rancher. I would, though, look and see what safety measures can be done. Like bars in the bathroom. If they have a cellar, make sure there is nothing down there they need. Some of the early homes chose to put washers and dryers in the basement. Not good for elderly. If this is them, see if there is someplace they can be moved upstairs. Maybe a closet that can hold stackables.

My Aunt has RA problems so it was getting hard to get things she needed out of the cabinets. She had a tall cabinet that was used for a pantry so she moved the stuff she used daily there. My GF was in a wheelchair so had her top cabinet stuff, put in the bottom ones.

Mom should not have to stand on a stool to get things. So just look around and see how u can make it safe for them.
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Logan, much empathy and support for you!

My mother, 91 and fragile, refuses to leave the house where she has lived since 1960. Two stories, basement laundry, huge yard, Snow Belt location more than 500 miles from any relation.
Any suggestion of any modification to the house, never mind a relocation (either closer to a daughter or into an IL or AL facility) elicits a literal tantrum. While the volatility of her response may be exacerbated by age, it is her lifelong usual MO.
After several years of being the Evil Daughter Who Wants to Rip Her Out of Her Home, not to mention getting my head bitten off, I have given up. My only words on the subject now: “You can either have a plan or you will have an emergency.”

She seems to want an emergency. That would create a fuss & stir,
make her the subject of handwringing and the center of attention, and absolve her of all the work of moving — PLUS ensure that, because she would not participate in decisions, she would be positioned to complain about decisions that were made for her (not many nuanced options when an emergency strikes). Does this sound bitter? It’s not — she has a pretty strong streak of narcissism. I finally came to understand that there is nothing about a sensible, low-drama resituation that would appeal to her. Of course, what she says is,
”Maybe God will be good to me, and take me in my sleep.”

I am the only daughter in the Western hemisphere, employed in a field where there are no leaves of absence. When,
inevitably, the big emergency comes, it very well may not be possible to get to her. I may need to make decisions long-distance, as the demands of my work permit. She simply does not accept this reality. But I live with that reality every day, and it is a HEAVY psychological burden. If I loved her less, it would be an easier stress to bear.

Please know that there are many, many folks with similar stories & anxieties, and that this community of supportive empathy — including strangers like me — surrounds you with positive thoughts and wishes you strength and peace.
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lkdrymom Jun 2019
Well said
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Moving my father from a one bedroom apartment to assisted living was a nightmare. And he lived within 20 miles of me. I cannot imagine what kind of mess you will have with an entire house and the fact that you live far away. While I agree that if they are able let them stay in their own home for now but they need to start decluttering. Maybe they would be willing to give things away now that they planned on leaving to someone. Start small with just cleaning out closets or getting rid of stuff you have kept but not touch in 20 years. Treat it like a trip down memory lane.

My brother in law lives 2 hours away and is in his 80s. I worry what it will be like when he either passes or needs to go to a care facility. At least my husband will finally be retired and able to deal with it but I am only 52 and have to work. Someone up thread mentioned a leave of absence. That is just not possible for some of us. My husband will have to do this mostly alone and I can see that not working as he can't make the simplest decisions without asking for my input.
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Rather we like it or not sometimes we have to make the decision for our parents. You have to stand strong in the knowledge you are doing the best for them. A injury a life lost because of not making that decision for them is not worth it. Yes they will be pissed at you for a while but once settled in a proper placement they will be happy knowing care needed is there always.. God loves you and is watching out for you. You have this..
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JoAnn29 Jun 2019
You can't make that decision if they are still competent and can make their own decisions.
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I am almost 70. I will have been in this 4 bedroom split level for 38 years. I have cleaned out a lot of the odd stuff. You know that flea market stuff you pick up. Things the girls left behind. But, I have 8 rooms full of stuff. And when I think of downsizing to a 2 bedroom apart, its overwhelming. Just think about how it must feel to an 80+year old.

If your parents are doing OK and in a rancher, don't push it now. But maybe all the kids can sit down with Mom and Dad and calmly discuss the future. Do they have POAs in place? Is their will up to date? Are there things they would like to make sure people get when they pass. If so a codicil can be made to the will. Then suggest they start to downsize. Getting rid of things they never use. Like that wedding china that no one is going to want. That junk in the garage that Dad was keeping just in case it could be fixed.

My Mom owned a big old Farm house. It had a huge attic. We cleaned that out. She never went up there again but used an extra bedroom for storage. (My sister had died and she had brought some of her stuff to her house) I sat her down in a chair. Had two piles. The things she needed and the things to throw out or give away. Went very fast.

Then put a little seed in their heads. There are independent livings. They would have their own apart. but take meals in the dining room. Activities, outings and transportation if they didn't feel like driving. They could keep a lot of their belongings. No mowing the lawn, no upkeep on the house. Just pay rent and utilities and enjoy.
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I’m going to play Devil’s Advocate here. I have 2 children who I am sure think my disabled and bedridden husband should immediately be placed in a nursing home and that I should move into an apartment. On some level, I’m sure they’re right. However, in my favor, I ask nothing of them. My son says he will help, but doesn’t really deliver very often and my daughter is busy with her career and family.

I know that when “things” happen it will be a big inconvenience for you and your sibs and your busy lives. So, take a leave of absence. Please don’t descend on your parents en masse and insist that they leave their long-time home for some cookie cutter apartment or condo. I can almost guarantee they’ll be miserable. Make plans behind the scenes. Plan for the inevitable and organize your own lives so that if there is an emergency, it won’t be such a traumatic event for you all. Kindly and gently suggest that they “rehome” things they don’t use. Gift Dad with a landscaping service so he can stop cutting grass if he still does. Offer a grocery delivery service for Mom if she’d like. Think about things that would make their lives easier without insisting they move.

I know you’re going to write that I don’t understand your situation and I admit that I probably don’t. But I understand how I’d feel if my kids were “on” me about giving up my home. I went through emergency placement and clearing out my mom’s home 3 years ago and I know it wasn’t fun. But I’m glad I didn’t force her into a facility until there was absolutely no other option.
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jkm999 Jun 2019
Exactly what I was trying to say but much less eloquently.
Thanks.
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At 83 and in OK health and living in a ranch style home I just don't see your rush to get this done. You didn't mention any dementia either so basically they are doing fine, just getting old. Yes, eventually they will probably need to downsize and move but you seem to have some time before this needs to happen.

Since they won't work on a Plan B you need to. 1) I would start with knowing what retirement apartments/ assisted living are available in the area and visiting them- not with your parents but by yourself. Find out about waiting lists, financial arrangements, what's actually provided etc. Just tuck all this info into your own file. 2) Then start by helping your mother clean out some of the spare bedroom closets and drawers, or the linen closet, small things. Don't act like it is in anticipation of a move but more a Marie Kondo exercise - like do you still have a twin bed that needs these twin bed sheets. This won't be stuff that they are using or really attached to but it does get a lot of the general stuff cleaned out so that when there is a move that's one less clean-out. It may also help your mom see that there really is more house and stuff that she needs or wants to deal with. Yes, when the actual move happens it will be a nightmare if it comes now or later but if she sees how little she actually uses on a routine basis she'll be more likely to realize she won't need to take everything when she moves to a smaller place. 3) Make certain all the paperwork is in place for Power of Attorney, etc. and get a good handle on their finances so you know what you have to work with when the time comes. Making the move too early could mean the money runs out too soon.

My dad was going strong at 83 and enjoying his home and not ready to move. He did move to assisted living at age 95, he probably should have moved about age 90 or 92. And no, he didn't move willingly, but I was prepared to just swoop in and get it done and you will be too.
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So sorry you're in this predicament. I went through the same with my parents and then they were eventually convinced in their 80s to downsize to a 2 bed apartment in their town. And they had to have a storage unit because they couldn't part with all their belongings. But getting them to organise themselves and downsize further was impossible. It was eventually forced as a result of losing their driving privileges.
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Oh Logan; I feel for you!

So many of us here have been in your shoes. I assume that you've explained to mom and dad (who probably have some cognitive issues going on?) that doing this in an emergency situation is going to cost you a great deal in terms of inconvenience, money and possibly career choices?

Has their doctor told the that it's time to move someplace more manageable? Have you looked into a service (a geriatric care manager) who can help them manage a purge of their "stuff". Most seniors are overwhelmed by the very thought of moving.

Have you used any therapeutic fibs, such as "if you don't help us decide, the state will decide for you and take your money"?

Recently, my ex has been through this with his mom; it took her more than a year, but after 3 surgeries in the last 6 months and having three out of 4 of her sons diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer, something finally clicked and she's going to AL. She's not happy, but she's going. Talking about your own health challenges (and that of your spouse) may get you some traction.

Another thing; YOU go and look at both ALs and NHs, so that when the time comes, you'll know what choices are acceptable.
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