I am considering taking my elderly parents to come live with me. What are the pitfalls I have to watch out for?

Sorry but there is not much good to say. I have my Mother living with me for the past eight years. It's not easy it's like having a young child again but you can't scold this one because of it's your Mother! The hardest thing I deal with is my husband and I feel trapped because we are not allowed out at night by our selfs . Not to speak of going on a vacation! She is capable to stay by her self for a few hours but won't at night! I have tried to get a sitter at night so we could go out but she won't have it ! There is no easy answer!

Brenglee, I'm relieved to hear that you are working toward assisted living - actually parents will get better care from professionals than you could provide and you will have plenty to do just working with the care providers.

Taking care of an aging parent is difficult because it will require a great deal of your time and test your patience. This is a big responsibility to take and I commend you for taking this opportunity to return the favor to your parents. It is hard especially with your mom because she has a difficult personality but by joining support groups and reading caregiving tips, you can carry out this task with ease. Also, you need to take care of yourself because caregiving can lead to stress. I hope these can help you in your journey.

You owe them your love and support but not your life. According to what so many on this site have experienced, that is exactly what you will be giving up if you take them in, especially your mother.

Brenglee I know it was a difficult decision but you really have to put yourself first..

Brenglee Iam sure you have made the right decision as so many others will tell you. You now have the freedom to help as much or as little as you can and wish

Please read and re-read all of the comments with your husband. You and your siblings need to sit down and discuss all plans then put that in writing. You should be able to find info on family meetings at this site. Your Mom's doctor can give you the name of a Home Health Care Group who will provide a mediator to keep the meeting focused and on topic. Then take a good hard look at those plans!

It is a huge undertaking and I know your heart is in the right place. No matter how much we love our parents and want to do right by them, moving them in with us is not always the best decision. I cannot fathom taking care of both parents even with 24 hour in home help. It is a complete lifestyle change and not always for the better.

I was blessed with a great husband; however, my siblings left a lot to be desired. Sure they would help, if they knew where and why I was going and when I would be back and no not the day you need because their hair/nail appointment was more important than a doctor's appointment I had made months before. They thought our home was a 24 hour facility that they could come and go as they wanted. Total disrespect and disregard for me, my husband and our home. After 6 weeks, we hired someone full time 3 days a week and set visiting hours for the 2.5 years we had Mom with us.

You can love your parents, be their advocate and keep your physical and emotional health by having them live elsewhere. God bless!

My recommendation is don't do it. I moved my mom in with my husband and I 2.5 years ago. It was an adjustment and went fairly well though there were/are periods of feeling 'trapped'. We can't leave her alone in the house overnight so any trips we needed someone to stay over (which was not easy to find and costs money). Recently her mobility has taken a turn and she now needs me to get her in and out of bed and take her to the bathroom. Sometimes she needs the bathroom every hour and it's a time consuming process getting her in and out of there - changing depends, helping to pull them up, etc. This means I can't leave the house, take a long bath or go outside without the phone in my pocket. Basically I'm on call every minute that I am not at work. We have home care when we go to work but it's very expensive if you need it all day. And when I get home from my full time job, she is now my second full time job. We are trying to get her into a nursing home but there is so much red tape and and assessments to be done - we've been told the average wait for a spot is 4 months (if she even 'qualifies"). I don't know how I will get through the waiting...I'm exhausted, stressed, don't have any free time and I don't feel that she appreciates my help. Obviously it's hard on my marriage as well since I'm too busy taking care of my mom to have time for my husband. It sounds like your parents have as many or more needs than my mom - and it's two people, not just one. Please look into a care facility. You will be doing the right thing for them and for you. Far better to be their daughter than their caregiver - you won't have time for the daughter part if you're looking after all their needs. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

It is a total commitment, I always knew I would take my parents in if they became ill. I told my husband not to marry me unless he could commit to the same. I made him think long and hard about it before he made a decision. I grew up in a family who provided care to those in the family that needed it. No one was ever placed in a facilty outside of the home. I knew what the challenges were going in. Anything is possible if you make a full commitment to it. My Dad died suddenly before he needed any type of caregiver. My mom has been with my husband and I for 11 years. For five of the 11 she has been mostly wheelchair bound...able to get to the restroom on her own, she now needs assitance with that. My husband has been a God-send. For many of the years he was deployed overseas...when he was home has been there through thick and thin, treating my Mom as he would his own. He has stopped deploying, joined the reserves and taken a civilian job that allows him to be here to help. You have to be prepared for the good, the bad and the ugly. You have to have a support system and it certainly helps if you have financial stability. Both my husband and I hold very demanding full time jobs. Even if you are able to quit your part time job to stay with them, please realize that you are going to need a break. It might be best to keep the job and hire an aide to be there while you are at work. I have been able to flex my schedule in order to take mom to doctors appointments, blood tests for coumadin. As they decline your life centers more and more around them. When they can't travel neither can you. When they don't sleep neither do you. You can not leave them alone...even to run out to the store. Every day brings a new challenge. You will need to enlist the help of siblings and their commitment as well. I am not going to lie...it is by no means easy. But I can certainly say that I would do it all over again if I had to. I love my mom and understand how much she sacrificed to have and raise me, I want to do whatever I can for her to make her twighlight years as good as they can be. You need to be organized, have stamina and strength and learn not take things personally. You need to be smart about building a support network. My mom is now under hospice care in my home. The hospice nurse vists once a week to check in, they call twice a day to ask if I need anything or to just listen to me when I need to vent. I have hired an aide to be with Mom from 8:30 to 4:30 while I am in work. I try to work from home whenever I can to be near her. My husband and I have a system at night as she has recently taken to calling for us every hour for assistance. We will be hiring an aide for 3 evenings a week soon to help us get some sleep and provide constant companionship for mom while she is up in the night. We recently moved to a new state, while I gained some excellent medical care for mom, I lost the local friends and family who would sometimes help to provide respite. I found a local not for profit that provides dietician services and meal delivery to those with terminal illness. This will help provide variety for her meals as sometimes I am too exhausted to plan and cook new menu items. It is so hard when she turns food away...I constantly worry about her nutrition. No matter how rough it gets I know in my heart I would not have it any other way. I want to be there for her during her journey, I want her to know that she never has to be afraid of being alone. God bless you for wanting to be there for your parents.

Read the book, "ElderRage, or take my father....or take my father please! How to survive caring for aging parents." A really good book.

hey Brenglee, I moved home after surviving a crime because i sold my house. It took me a long time to "get back to society" - my parents were very supportive and my moving back in actually worked out well for several years. I am starting to have trouble. My mother is a "helicopter" person, meaning she hovers over my father looking for things to do for him, as well as my 3 elderly neighbors. She is always thinking of things to do for them, which is great, but many times it involves calling in me with no notice (which I hate.) I am a part time grad school so luckily I get out of the house but I am not working so I actually have more time on my hands than I want. I have little control (which is very important to a crime survivor) over little things like what to have for dinner, and what to watch on tv. I have gained some weight (mostly my fault) but there is always wayyyy too much food around here. so that contributes to my low self esteem. I have another year of grad school to go so I'm kind of stuck here. My mother is 77 in good health but starting to decline, my father is 83 and starting to go downhill. He also has CHF and prostate problems. My parents are wonderful and they have done a lot for me but I am having some trouble coping. Think carefully Brenglee. Your offer is noble but things will change big time when they move in. Hugs to you.

I posted after you did, I see your decision and good luck to you :)

I am taking on more and more responsibility for my grandfather with my fathers health failing more. I dont live full time at either home at this rate but its not easy. My father tried helping but now cant, and my family.. well long story.. . neighbors/ his friends come by and visit and do help fix a few things and may feed him.He does have a caregiver 2x a week a couple hours or so each day. I have not gone through anywhere near what everyone else has here, but just starting out at full time instead of part time care all these years is hard. I also have young kids as well, ( no job yet..) So, with both your parents you will have your hands full. I hope your family does keep their word and help, that would be wonderful. But if not, be prepared to have some one come in and help you, you will need breaks and from what you described, it already sounds hard. Your dad esp will need 24/hr care soon, your mother one day might need 24/7 care too.

But, at the same time I understand you wanting to help your parents, yes they were good to you and its wonderful to help! I agree with you. But.. as others told me, I basically must help myself and my kids first, in order to help my grandfather. Know your limits, what about a "trial run"? Just tell your parents you would like them to spend some time with you for an extended period to get an idea what it would be like. Of course, things may change( if things were going great) once the words" permanent move in" are said. Good luck with your decision and do read everything here.

Hey guys. thanks for all the realistic sensible comments. I have changed my mind and let my siblings know it would be an impossible situation to maintain.

Yes, and if siblings offer to help financially, after a while - one by one, they stop giving. You ask repeatedly for help and they say that they don't have time or the money. Yet, these same siblings can travel once or twice a year on vacation - hotel, eating out, etc... If you quit your job, where is YOUR income going to be coming from? Never ever assume that your parents will help you. Their money - you will need to keep a log and all the receipts. Because the time will come when they call authorities (police, adult protective service, the neighbors, relatives), that you're stealing or touching their money without permission. When investigated, you will have the receipts as proof that their money was spent for them and not for you. So, where is your money if you quit your job?

For 2 years, I took care of 2 bedridden parents. In the beginning, my father was understanding that vegetable-state mom came first - feeding, changing pampers, etc... But as his senility worsen, he started demanding that I jump to HIS wishes. When I mention that I needed to do mom first, I can see in his eyes that he didn't care. And he got angry with me because he had to Wait while I do mom first. Your mom is a narcissist. Can you imagine what it will be like when they move in? I had asked for help with my siblings - to even help chip in so that I can pay for caregiver to cover on the weekend. Nothing. I asked if a grown up jobless nephew and his wife/child move in to help me - Nothing. My parents was MY Problem and not theirs. They have a very stressful job, and funerals, rosaries to attend to, etc.... In the end, because eventually all my siblings stopped chipping in for the paid caregiver, I had to let her go.

I hope you have some back up plans (B and C) in case your siblings stop helping.

OMG! Don't do it. Check into assisted living facilities and visit them.2 elderly parents at one time with different medical and mental issues is to much for one person and if you are counting on any siblings to help,don't.

Do they actually WANT to give up their home and move in with you? You can't MAKE them.
Is your spouse - if you have one- agreeable?
Whos is going to supervise Dad for the 8.10 hours you are away working.
Don't even think about working from home. Mom will demand your attention and interupt you constantly.
How are you going to manage Dr visits?
Don't expect any siblings to keep their promises.
Where is the money going to some from?

Yes of course you can do it - no problems.
Keep your job
Look after your own family
Maintain your social life
Have guests visit.
Go on vacation
Work in your garden
Continue with your hobbys

Is there maybe $6-8,0000 a month availabe?
Do you have a seperate wing attached to your house? or a cottage in the grounds?
You will need 4-6 caregivers for each 24 hours at $10-12 per hour each plus several extras to cover days off and vacations plus taxes.
Their quarters will have to be equiped with all the medical equipment found in a nursing home and absolutely handicap safe

Don't expect your parents to be grateful because you have taken this on out of love or because it is the right thing to do or worse to preserve their money.

So welcome to the club and an early grave. On the way enjoy depression, isolation, frustration devastatingly hurt feelings, early aging, new and worsening health problems, severe weight loss or gain, thoughts of murder and suicide and (fill in the blanks) Even a six pack of big girl pants is not going to get you through this. most people come here after they are up to their necks in poop and we try and help them cope. You are rare. You don't have to do it, There are alternatives. it won't be easy but learn never to take no for an answer and find a fiesty friend to give you back up. Good luck. You are a very good daughter for even being willing to take this on but you will be even better if you can find the proper care for Mom and Dad for the long term.

The most difficult thing will be having to place them in a Nursing Home. Then there is the difficult time you are going to have getting help for them to come in to your home. Until you have concrete help you will be working 24-7 to care for them. Prepare yourself and walk through an Alzheimer unit at any nursing home, and ask questions while there. Reread Jeannegibbs post. Make sure you have a list of every doctor name, address and phone number they use. You will find siblings useless, No time to work, No time to take vacations, No time for reflection after they are there a month. GET as much help as you can and prepare for the worse, pray for the best. Come here often as you can, with any question, as I learned more here than anywhere about caring for my mom.

Hi!

Find everything you can about dementia. It sounds like you are since you are at this website. Do not expect to be able to handle 24/7 care giving by yourself. Your parents have issues that will need experienced care giving.

Start with your siblings and educate them of the costs of memory care for your father and assisted living for your mom. Since you are providing the day to day care, hopefully they can help you financially with care giving.

You may need to make alterations to your home such as security system, door locks, grab bars in the bathroom, walk in shower etc.

Your job will be that your parents are safe and receive the best possible care. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to provide it or that you have to give up your job.

Caring for your parents can be a blessing if it is managed properly. Remember your parents still need you as a daughter not a burnt out caregiver.

I second everything that has been said here. Dad's dementia will get worse and you'll have to quit your job sooner or later.

My biggest red flag is "My mother is 87 and a total nightmare, but she is terrified of how my dad has become. she has a difficult personality, a persecution complex and narcisstic behaviours.She is untrusting and suspicious." That's how she is when you don't live with her. Imagine how it would be living under the same roof? I guarantee you she'll be on your back 24/7/365. My mother has been a life long narc and they usually get worse with age as they fail to hide their ways. I cared for my narc mother for four hellish years, the worst years of my life - nasty, mean, demanding, demeaning, manipulative and spiteful.. DO NOT DO IT. See if you can arrange for an assisted living arrangement for them nearby so you can visit and ensure they have what they need.

Taking your parents to live with you = the end of your life. Read through the posts here and see what making such a decision really means.

JessieBelle, you are so right about *guest status* as this can happen in some families. A lot depends on the culture of the family.

I see that *guest status* with my friend's in-laws who are visiting here from the home land where they are wealthy and have servants do everything for them. Thus, they expect their daughter-in-law and their son to cater to their every whim.

Are you prepared for Mom to paint the walls with poop and Dad to pee in the flower pots. Are you going to give them a bell or whistle to call you in the night? "Oh I didn't want anything, just wanted to make sure your were here" Can you deal with comming home to the house filled with smoke because Mom burnt a pan again. How will you feel when dad goes through your personal papers? What will you do when either of them refuses to take a bath or change their clothes? Can you get them to Drs appointments when they don't want to got. Are you strong enough to transfer either of them from bed to chair. How will you feel when either of them starts being abusive? Physically or mentally? There is plenty more but if you can cope with all that go ahead. Your mother is already narsisistic and paranoid she is going to become totally obsessed. Either of them may start to wander, even if they don't mean to they will think of an errand to do while you think they are just sitting outside in the sun and forget how to get home. Then there is the car are they still driving? try taking away the keys - not pretty! Stop considering it and find them somewhere else to live. You can fullfill whatever obligations you feel from the care they gave you by taking care of them from a distance. You can not be young yourself do you really feel able to take on such a physical task?

Pitfalls is too polite a word for what you face. It's more like a Black Hole that will suck you in and crush the life out of you. Look around at the posts here, from well-meaning children who try to take this on. Siblings don't help. Leave the caregiving to the trained professionals at Assisted Living. Your mother's behaviors will have to be modulated if she is aggressive. Living with her will be impossible without getting her on medications. Even then she may be constantly critical of everything you do.

I agree with everyone. Think this through!

PS I am a parent of 2 wonderful children that "I" choose to have, I don't expect them to "pay me back" for raising them.. I expect respect, but not payback...

Your father has dementia and your mother is paranoid and narcissistic. And you are considering moving them into your house.

O. M. G.

Their health and emotional problems are not going to improve, and it is certain that the dementia is going to get worse. That is what dementia does.

Be a loving daughter. Let professionals in an appropriate care center do the day-to-day caregiving.

If you are determined for them to live with you, be sure you have in place
1) POA and health care directive documents
2) A personal care agreement and/or a room and board agreement, stating what they are paying and what you are providing.
3) A firm plan for respite care. How are you going to get away for a weekend? For a vacation? For needed time to yourself each week? Not planning on this before they even move in can be a fatal flaw. This could be your parents visiting your siblings, your siblings coming to stay at your house, professional caregivers coming in, or your parents going to a facility that offers respite care for a fee. But it MUST be something you can count on, and you need to plan it right from the beginning.
4) Figure out how you can keep your job. It may be your one reliable link to sanity. One possibility is for your parents to attend an adult day health program during the hours you work.
5) Your house, your rules. If Mother is going to fuss that she won't allow a stranger to come in while you are gone and Dad is going to refuse to go to day care, your are doomed before you start.
6) If your parents are capable of household chores, awesome. They should do what they can. That may not be realistic at their ages and with their problems. Hire a cleaning service. Simplify the meals. Hire someone to do laundry.
7) Look into what services your parents are eligible for. For example, perhaps meals on wheels solves the lunch need. If they qualify for Medicaid they may be eligible for in-home help such as laundry and light housekeeping. Take advantage of every benefit.
8) DO NOT promise them "I will never put you in a home." Instead promise "I will never abandon you and I will always see that you have good care." It is impossible to predict what the future holds. Be open to changes in plans, as appropriate.

It is awesome when a parent can have the comfort and reassurance of living with an adult child in harmony. At least it is awesome when it works. There are so many factors beyond our control that can turn awesome into a disaster.

I'm glad you are giving this a lot of thought.

Any difficulties you may have with your parents will be magnified when they move in with you. Lots of pitfalls there.

If you don't make a point for everyone to pull their own weight and take care of their own needs, then you will become the hostess with constant guests (them) from now on. Lots of pitfalls there.

If you can find any way to seperate their living areas from yours, that would help a lot. Like a duplex or mother-in-law suite or something with it's own separate entrance. The more separateness between you the better.

If there is any financial way to move them to independent living or assisted living, make that as equal an option as moving in with you. If Dad was a veteran, he may have benefits that will help with IL/AL depending on the benefits and the facility.

Siblings you think will be there to help - who promise to help - who say call me anytime - will disappear or begin blaming you.

I would advise AGAINST moving them in with you. Read every post on here.

It does sound like lots of negatives and it is.

For me, mom lived with us 28 months. Is now in AL. What I gained: insight into how she became the mother she was and the person she is now. Making the decision to have her move away made my husband and I closer but before that, things were very rough (and we've been together 28 years). Having Mom live with us helped me accept the fact that she had to live on her own and to understand my own limits. And come to peace with my decision. But all of this took effort and I'm not sure it was worth it, I am just trying to make lemonade from the avalanche of lemons I brought into my life.

Smart to post on here and ask.

Read and read on this site. Pitfalls are plentiful. You lose your friends, for one. You take on a 24/7 job and have no time for anything else.

What happens when your dad becomes incontinent? And, are you going to bathe him?

The truth is, your parents aren't going to get better and once you get them into your home, it will become their home. If they need a NH, then you are stuck trying to get them to consent.

I hope this turns out well for you, but chances are your own health will suffer, in the end.

One thing jumped out at me when you asked the question, brenglee. Many times when parents move in with you, they take on "guest" status. If they do, you may end up having to do everything for them. When they first get there, let them know it is their home and they can do their normal chores. You can divide out the tasks. Maybe someone will cook, another will do dishes, another laundry, etc. That way one person (you) doesn't end up doing it all and feeling resentful.

If they are okay on their own for a while, maybe you can hold on to your job. That will give you all time away from each other. As loving as a family might be, it is always nice to have time apart. This is not only for you, but for them. They could get tired of looking at you all day, too. :)

Assisted living is a good idea, but I know not everyone can afford it long term I have a friend whose mother has been living in assisted living for two years. Her LTC insurance is running out, so my friend doesn't know what she is going to do. Her mother is not ready for a NH. It is a mess.

What ever you do, do NOT give up your job. It will be the only thing that will keep you sane. Believe me, I know.

Now, is your home "elder proof"? How steep are the stairs, even the steps coming into the house. Safety bars in the bathrooms, long rubber mats in the tubs/showers and an elevated toilet seat.

Remove throw rugs and carpet wooden or slick floors. You'll need brighter lights in the hallways and bathrooms. Secure electric cords to the wall or place under rugs so no one trips on them.

Place bright tape or decals on sliding glass doors, even glass shower doors. Rearrange things in the kitchen cabinets to make it easier to reach for dishes or glasses. Change out all the on/off switches on table lamps with those larger lamp switches.

Take away any clutter or small furniture your parents may trip over. If you have pets, try to teach them not to sleep on the stairs or in an place where a parent might trip over them. And, of course, only have the pet toys out when you are there to play with them.

Oh, the list could go on and on. It would be better to place your parents in a retirement home where they can mingle with people of their own generation, and where everything is elder proof making it safe.

I re-read my post. I hate that I sound so negative. I'm sitting here trying to recall if there were any benefits to moving in an elderly parent. Or parent(s) in your situation.

Oh! This isn't a benefit but if they do move in make sure you obtain POA from each of them, and an advanced healthcare directive. There will come a time when they won't be able to take care of their finances or make decisions on their own and now's the time to have those things in place.

My dad lived with me. He was a very easygoing guy and easy to live with. It was easier on me to live with him than it was for him to live with me, I'm sure. I'm a neat freak perfectionist. But we grew closer. Amid all the stress and anxiety that goes along with caregiving we did grow closer. That was a plus. He didn't have dementia or any personality disorders so I had it pretty easy compared to most people but even under my better-than-average circumstances it was still the most difficult thing I've ever done.

OK. I'm done now. :-)