Hello community. I believe you guys are mostly in the USA so I apologise if the time of night is bad. I’m just going to spit it out, I can’t have my Dad live with me anymore. I am 33 married with a child, currently 8.5 months pregnant with our second child. Our house is large and Dad moved in 3 years ago. This maybe be a low number of years but the 24-7 of it all is driving me insane. He’s 86 and a wonderful man, no doubt there, but the constant idiosyncrasies, his weird habits, the noises, lack of social graves and just blatant absence of manners is driving me mad. My marriage is strong but tensions are rising all the time and with two young children I see myself having some kind of breakdown. I can’t do it. He can self fund accommodation but he doesn’t want to leave our house. Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to? My husband is a patient kind hearted man, but sex drive, romance and any spontaniaty have left the building. We are still a young-ish family and want our space. Please don’t condemn me for this post I have no siblings to help and my mother passed away 15 years ago. Any advice or even just someone say that they know what I’m talking about?!? Arrgghhhhhh thank you and lots of love. P.S, I don’t hatemy Dad I just can’t live with him anymore !!!!
Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to? * i think this statement is uncalled for though.
I hope all will be sort out in a way where everyone can be content and happy.
I'm trying so hard to build healthy boundaries with my mom and my failure to thrive, 55 year old, addicted brother, who lives with her. I have decided that having compassion does not rest in family obligation. That taking care of myself and my family first is the loving thing to do for all. That creating a different living arrangement than what they expect is not cruel. That guilt can be a liar and we give it entirely too much power in our lives. That one person in our lives cannot have the power to destroy the rest of relationships.
Whenever guilt paints my thoughts, I try to reset my mind and rest in creating a loving plan for all involved and stay firm in my resolve. Tell guilt to essentially "*iss" off!
I wish you peace, strength, health, and clarity as you move forward in creating these things in your family.
When on an airline... the stewardess will give the departure discourse on what to do if air cabin pressure is lost and you are seated next to a young child, or older parent who are unable to care for themselves. Do you know? Do you give them their oxygen mask first? Compassion would suggest firstly that this would be the best answer because after all you are responsible for their safety and well being and if you don't give them their air oxygen mask they might not get it!
But that is the point.. The answer is You give the oxygen to yourself FIRST. That way there will always be someone capable to give the oxygen and anything else that is required. A young child, or an elder parent with dementia could not save you if needed, but if you take care of your family and yourself first you can make sure that life balance is kept.
So.. to Natalie.. You will find that having help to care for your father's increasingly medical and mental conditions will help you. And as I discovered, my mother is much happier with others who are of her own generation.
Please do NOT in any way, shape or form, be apologetic. You sound like a very conscientious, wonderful daughter, with a huge age difference with your dad.
When I was 19 and first married, because I was a nurse and my husband the "golden child" of his family of 8 brothers and sisters, they naturally assumed his father would come and live with us. I said NO. I am pretty sure my husband did not want to either; I really do not remember but both have passed away many years ago. But I was married my husband, not him and his father.
Fast forward to my being 60+ and Mom (90's) living with me. She has no one else and despite our differences, we get along fairly well 95% of the time. BUT, I am single, 3 children grown (youngest about your age), and her husband (my dad) and my husband passed away a long time ago. So it works.
But, I never never would have had a parent(s) live with me while we were a young family with children at home. We needed our privacy and to deal with the ups and downs between the 5 of us, not the 5 of us plus a parent.
Both of you and your husband sit down with your father and have a discussion with him to let him know that although you all love him and will always love him, that the situation is not working out and that you all need your privacy and find an assisted living facility (ALF) where he can live and you all can visit. Sounds easy... it isn't, I know.
But YOU and your family are important and need your time alone, to live, to love, to argue, to "everything" else in between. Just please do not feel guilty.
Take care of you! You want your family to thrive and it is okay to realize he may thrive in another environment.
Mind you, I am disabled with cerebral palsy…. When I finally gave up, and to keep my promise for my dad to die at home, I decided to hire one of the in-home agency without Dad’s consent. I knew that he would say no if I ask him if it was okay. My dad became a very stubborn person. I used his money for his care ($2,000/month). I actually got some relief from worrying about my dad.
So, I think you should do the same thing because if you don’t, you definitely will have a nervous break down!! However, first, tell your dad that he needs extra attention, and care. Then, make the arrangements for the in-home care or senior living facility. ❤️🙏🏻
Take a deep breath. Sit him down, and tell him just (nearly) what you wrote here. But, add that you are concerned with his safety and his mental well-being. Like a kid, he needs friends that are his peers. Take him to the places you think he'd approve. Then have him choose. Put a deadline on it and stick to it.
I can hear you now. I CAN'T THROW HIM OUT. Well, yes you can.
Before you end up with an elder that needs care that does him no good, your kids no good, and most of all, your marriage no good.
Look into Brookdale facilities. My parents lived in one and it was fabulous. Like an apartment not a nursing home. No shared rooms, unless he wants to share a two-bedroom. Terrific food with a daily menu, not take-it-or-leave-it. Lots of fun including outings.
Believe me, I've been there. Your dad will flourish. Your home will be yours again. Just do it. Remember you are responsible for his safety, not his care.
Great advice! More of us need to listen. I want my life back too. Working on it, takes time to prepare and sort out.
Stop beating yourself up and go find a 55+ community and/or Assistance facility that offers everything your father needs and more. There many places for seniors that are active and their around people of their own age and can get involved in activities or they can stay in their apartments.
You need to take care of yourself, your baby and family. Your health is paramount.
I would get him in his own digs before he’s too sick to live on his own. If he has the means to live outside your home, he should do so. It doesn’t sound as if even he is happy with the current arrangement.
Maybe you can get some information on senior living places (some are very nice near me) and talk to your husband and get him on board. Hopefully your husband will support you in restoring peace to your life - well, as much peace as you’ll get with a newborn. 🍼
I’m not going to give you advice, because there are so many different variables. My family made our choice to stay in the same house...but we have a large house which allows all of us to have our own space. However, my father is still self-sufficient. Just a lot of odd habits and demands to be waited on. Mobility is an issue since he’s got bad knees and often never leaves his bed.
While he can can get out of bed, bathe, dress, and feed himself, then we’re willing to stick it out. But if lifting becomes involved, we just won’t be able...and that’s because we want everyone to be safe. We also have a lady in once a week to clean his room and change his linens.
But it that’s us. You have a young family that demands your attention. You’re not horrible. You’re tired. And don’t minimize being tired.
You sound like ME!!
You can add “constant demands, constant complaints about the food because of his teeth because he doesnt have any and his partial doesnt fit anymore and the constant smells of medicated lotions and his furniture stinking to high Heaven!”
I finally told hubby “Its your dad or me!” “I cant take it anymore!”
Your too young! You are barely starting your family! You DONT NEED THE STRESS!!
Its not good for you but especially not good for the baby!
You need to sit down with your dad and be like “Dad, I love you, but this isnt working. We are going to have to find you your own place. I am really stressed out with the baby and the little one and doing everything around here. I cant do it anymore. I dont want to hurt the baby because Im stressed out.”
See what he says? If he loves you and cares about you he will understand, but if he doesnt then your going to have hubby tell him to get out!
I know its a really hard thing to do but my father in law is the same way! Since they are old men they like having the woman do everything for them. Its the old west 1950s mentality. “Women should cater to the man”
Well I DONT cater and I DONT follow demands, not even for my husband!
Your way too young to be going through this! Your dad needs his own place! Theres social workers and elderly services to help him. Make phone calls and start the ball rolling, the more you work on getting him out the more relief you will feel.
Believe me, since hubby agreed and we found a place for his dad, Im still stressed out but I see the light at the end of the tunnel! I know soon he will be out and that gives me piece of mind everytime I see him being arrogant and making a mess. In my mind Im like “Dude your days are numbered!” I laugh because I know that he will be living with his arrogant self and I dont have to have the constant stress!
Do yourself a favor and start looking into senior care and living options! Get him out before he gets sick and he cant live on his own!
Sometimes you have to do tough love. It sound harsh but your dads life is almost over and yours has just begun!
Good luck and HUGS!!
If he has the funds, what about having someone come in from a reputable care agency a few days a week to give you a break? Say three days a week where you leave and they can provide him with companionship, light housekeeping, and any type of medical appointments. I didn’t have my mom move in with me because of this reason but I did get a caregiver for this reason in her own home and carried it over when she moved into her Assisted Living for peace of mind.
You need to care for you and your family and as you go through each day the stress will build and believe me there will be break downs. But now that my mom is gone, I am so happy I got her the extra help when I did instead of just brushing it off because I was frustrated and felt like I was going down a rabbit hole.
It is awesome you’ve come to this site to get some great ideas.
Yes Natalie most of the Members on this Site are American, also Canadian and World wide as I am Gaelic and many of my great Neighbours from the UK subscribe Here too.
Good Luch and I wish You great peace and joy. John Joe.
She can help find a good place for her father to live and be a wife and woman to her husband and mother to her children. She loves her father but can be a good daughter from a distance.
He is 86. He could very well live to past 100. Should daughter give up her entire family life with her children and husband, to also caregiver to her father?? Seriously. That is not a solution that she (nor many of us) could handle. It is very selfish to expect her to do so.
Being in another country, it is difficult for us here in the US to recommend a place for your dad. Also, you mentioned some of his idiosyncracies, but not what his general health and cognition are. The things you did list could imply some early dementia, but it could also just be the way your dad is! Knowing where you live would help anyone who is from there make suggestions, as the offerings are different, even here. Knowing what his health/cognition status would also help others recommend the right place for him!
Meanwhile, you need to find a place asap, before the baby arrives. Having a newborn, you need all the rest you can get and to focus on the baby and you. It is hard to care for a baby, even more so when you have another young child to care for, and you certainly don't need to be pandering to your dad!
If you can at the least find a temporary place (short term placement) for him, start with telling him that you will not be able to care for him when the baby comes (you won't even be home to do it, even if you wanted to!) Once he is there, move forward with making it permanent, either in that place, or another if that isn't a long term place. With being so far along, perhaps your husband can assist in finding a place for him (online searching helps, but someone needs to check these places out and you don't have a lot of time left!)
Meanwhile, if he is still capable of caring for himself and doing some chores, assign them to him. As someone else said, he might get tired of that and WANT to move! Eliminate any/all care you currently provide - only ABSOLUTE necessity, such as a bathroom 'accident'. Let him fend for himself - so long as you cater to him, why would he want to go anywhere?
Tell him you love him but it is too much to take care of him. He has to go. Sure he will get mad, but you are no longer able to do it. You have a new baby on the way.
He needs to be around more people his age and where he can go to activities to keep himself young. Stagnating at your house is no longer an option. You and your husband took on too much at your age. I wouldnt wish that on a younger person your age. At least with older children of aging adults in their 50-60 etc they have grown children. It is too much with a young family. It is also very stressful on the older generation too!
You will go look at places with him. You and your husband will have to put your foot down and say its happening. There needs to be a deadline too. If there is no deadline, every place looked at will be turned down.
You both need to be firm with this. You can move him into a place nearby. Good luck.
You have to put you and your family first. You want the best for your dad, naturally, but that can't be at the sacrifice of your family or even just your sanity. In the year and a half that my mom has been living with us, one thing I've noticed is that she has become very self centered. It's all about her and her thoughts, feelings, decisions, wants, needs, etc. As her dementia and Alzheimer's has just recently been diagnosed, it seems to already be getting worse. (The difference with her is she wants to do it all, not have it done for her and she simply can't do a lot of it anymore.) Somehow as they are aging their world turns inward.
I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but one of the big concerns is your children. I have a 24 year old who had both grandparents around until her middle school years when my dad's Parkinson's disabled him and they couldn't visit anymore. She has the memories of fun, healthy, energetic grandparents, but now she's seeing a grandmother who can be difficult, forgetful, and quite frankly, more of a child than an adult. Then there's the added stress that my daughter suffers with depression, anxiety and PTSD and this is wearing on her. And she's an adult. I can't begin to imagine what affect this could have on a very young child.
So, don't think you are a horrible daughter. It's time to sit down and have a serious talk with Dad. We can hope that he will realize and understand that you have to put your family first. If he doesn't, then you will have to proceed anyway - without his input. Your health and the well-being of your family has to come first.