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My mother is also mentally ill. I was also told just because someone is mentally ill doesn’t mean they are incompetent. She has been mentally ill her whole life. Doesn’t mean she can’t make decisions on her behalf I was told. Years ago back in the 1970’s my sister n law got up from the table to do the dishes any my mother said no!! No don’t touch the dishes!! I’ll do them, my mother told her. The dirty dishes were still there till she washed them a week later. She had ALWAYS been this way. It’s so frustrating!!
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Needhelpwithmom, I’m so torn right now. I have talked to her family doctor before about getting her into a facility straight from the hospital. But she schmoozes everyone at the hospital and convinced them she doesn’t need any help. They told me the last time they were sorry there was nothing they could do. The thing is is that I wouldn’t even mind going over to help her but she gets nasty and tells me she will do it herself. Then, she doesn’t do it. Like take a bath or wash her hair or soak her feet and then I always feel like some of the nurses are giving ME a dirty look for not helping her or letting her toe get so bad. It’s so damn frustrating, I could puke right now!!
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Thank you isthisrealyreal.
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lealonnie, did you see what mountain moose said? I can’t make her go to an assisted living facility. What is a hospital Ombudsman?
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lealonnie1 Nov 2019
While you cannot 'make' her go to an Assisted Living facility, what you CAN do is let EVERYONE in the hospital know the TRUTH about her living conditions and the hoarding/refusal to shower, etc. You can also contact the social worker at the hospital to discuss your VALID concerns and let her know about the conditions that exist in your mother's home and the bed with the springs, etc. That's also where a call to APS would come in handy. They'd come over and check out her living situation and determine for themselves what should be done!
Speak to everyone who will listen, and THEY will 'make' her do something to help herself. Refuse to stay silent a moment longer! Just b/c your mother is loud and vocal, make yourself LOUDER and MORE vocal! The trouble with a lot of these people is that nobody's has ever stood UP to them; people are afraid of them and step back.
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Yes, allow the hospital staff to help her.
Don't hang around her all day for any abuse.
She is in the hospital, take a full day off.
Today. It is Sunday.
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elaine1962 Nov 2019
Thank you Sendhelp
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mountainmoose, she lives by herself in her own house. She is a hoarder. I know I was told a few years back that if they are competent and of sound mind they can live any way they want. When I say she is sharp as a tack it was because she rattled off to the doctor every kind of medicine that she takes, the quantity, the dosage, the dates of her last hospital visits etc. But when she is home she has to hang on to the wall or chairs to walk. She is a hoarder, she is laying on a bed with springs through it. She barely is able to change her depends. Yes, her mind is there but physically she is declining and she won’t let me help her. If I walk away then what? I don’t understand the laws. She can microwave herself something to eat, she can go to the bathroom herself. She can go up and down 13 stairs to the 2nd floor bedroom. What do I do if I can’t make her go to assisted living?
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2019
So sad. She’s stubborn. She’s blessed to have a concerned daughter and she won’t cooperate and shuts you down at every turn.
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Yes, tell the doctor & the nurse at the hospital exactly what's going on and stop helping her! The jig is up. It HAS to be up if you expect your mother to get the help she so desperately requires and for YOU to get off the hook you're dangling from! Call APS in if need be. It's time for all this to stop, and for your mother to be placed in Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing where hoarding can no longer occur, where she will be bathed regularly also. You say the doctors are claiming she's as 'sharp as a tack', yet she's so consumed with anxiety that she's hoarding and refusing to bathe, etc. In my world, that does NOT constitute 'sharp as a tack' and that's what you need to convey to them!

These doctors and hospitals see our mother's for a mere moment in time. They see the Face our mothers WANT them to see, which is one of 'sanity' and 'composure' and 'competency'. The reality that WE see and know is something entirely different. If you want your mother to get the help she needs, let down that mask of perfection she's maintaining and let the professionals see the TRUTH.

I did it back in 2016 and have been doing so ever since. My mother will no longer call the shots where her health is concerned, because she is NOT fine and I will no longer be paying the price for those LIES. Neither should you!

Good luck Elaine.
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I am so sorry, Elaine! You cannot help someone who refuses to be helped. She's of sound mind. These are her choices.

Your profile states she is "living at home". Is this her home or yours? What do you want to happen, for her to change her behavior for her care, to change her behavior towards you? Do you want to walk away?

Start by contacting the hospital ombudsman or social worker and report she is refusing to care for herself and will not let you help her. Perhaps they have a recommendation for you for your area.

If she is of sound mind, you can't force her to move to assisted living. You must protect yourself, though. You don't have to tolerate abuse, and perhaps consider, with help from the social worker, how to step back yet ensure she has someone to watch over her for her own good.

*hug* and best wishes.
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I would let the hospital staff help her. When she asks, say one second and ring for a nurse.

I am thinking that they will notice that she doesn't bathe when they change her depends.

You can't help someone that doesn't want it, especially when they are of sound mind. You have to decide what you will and won't do and learn to say no. Learn to tell her to stop talking nasty and hateful or you will leave and the next nasty word you walk away and try again tomorrow.

She can only use you as a doormat because you lay down. Stand up, you are an adult and you do not have to accept being verbally, mentally, physically or emotionally abused by her.
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