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When I was caregiving both of my bedridden parents, I wanted so badly to send father to NH or wherever. Mom was a total vegetative state, trache in throat, stomach tube, oxygen to breathe (via trache). Father was my "problem" person. I would gladly care for mom than him...she was less hassle and did not lecture me, nag me, call me names, etc....My mom is not the mom of my childhood. I have learned to accept the New Mom - a stranger. The old mom was slowly disappearing, and the new mom was growing. Until one day, mom was no longer my mom. Mom has died a week ago. I have not cried from deep within my soul like others have with the death of their parent. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so. But then I think so. And I will admit, that when mom died, I was so relieved. One less person to care for. My family all commented that I look so different before mom died and after. They say I smile more and I don't look so stressed as if the world is on my shoulders. I'm still waiting to grieve for my mom, a stranger.

Krusso, I have read on this site when people criticize others who directly tried to help them and to those who were just commenting. As you have discovered, no one on this thread condemned you. You were condemning yourself. And that is also part of being a caregiver. The guilt we face on a daily basis.

I have had several times received some advice that I did not like. But I do not automatically react and type away my response. I stop reading AC and just think about what the posters said. If I agree with them, I follow their advice. if I don't, I don't. I will tell you this - I have been hurt twice on this site. Both times, I cried for a week - at work, driving, bathroom etc... Each time, I've learned to guard my heart here. But I had others who showed me support and helped me to come back here. I do what I can to help others - just as I have been helped. You All Take Care!!!
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Something I left out in my previous letters - I've been a devoted, caring, loving daughter to both my beloved parents & so wish I could've been w/Dad when he passed (can't say "died" yet.). I see mom twice a week now only because it was tearing me apart emotinoally & physically seeing her more often. Every morning I wake up to no Daddy & a mom who reallyy is no longer there. She used to get an aide to call - cuz she's worried when I didn't see her on a certain day - doesn't call anymore & probably never will again. All I DO know is like GraceofGod said in her last sentence is I will be my beloved mom's side when something happens - my Dad's gone now (now I'm the one tearing up)& I'm all she has left in the world - I'm an only child. But I will be right by her side every step of the way when her time here on earth comes to an end. Gotta go & cry now...
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Such compassionate answers and advice. i really have nothing new you justmy support for all this whoi struggle
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I went through this with my Dad. What worked for me is to learn first never to
argue (I'm sure you don't). I went with him wherever he was. He was happy there and he became agitated if I tried to correct him. I know that everyone is different but it made it easier for both of us. Hugs!
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Krusso, I visit my mom three days a week. I travel 180 miles a week to see her. I do not do it out of obligation. I do it out of love. We can only do what we can do. I wish circumstances were different and that I could still care for my mom at home. I have Bipolar and anxiety. It's only gotten worse for me and I can't do the 24/7/365 anymore. But what I give my mom is love, compassion and try to improve on her quality of life as much as I can. She still knows me and my sibs and looks forward to seeing each of us when we visit on our own special days. I try to come up with something special for her and I to do whe I visit. We just put together a photo album, colored pictures today. I realize it is different as your mom is not the same and you want her back. I feel the same with my mom. She's fading with her memory and it just breaks my heart. But I know in my case, if the tables were turned, my mom would be there for me. you are NOT a monster. Each of us are different and not everyone can deal with or handle the heartbreak of this disease the same way. But this site is an absolute godsend. We will support, listen and care about what you have to say, contribute and share. Blessings
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Mom had Alzheimer's and we lived together, she, my children and I for her last five years. In fact, she did not go into the hospital until six days before she passed. Yes, there were many times when she had no idea who we were. It was hard on my children who were 17 and 15 at the time. But I recall so strongly that on days when she had a glimmer of herself she smiled. Smiled because my daughter's basketball team did well, smiled because I won an award, smiled because she could watch an old black and white movie. She did not know my name or the children but she could tell you that was Joseph Cotten in the movie. We should all try to take each day as it comes even when it is difficult to think about another day with someone who is fading from us. Take the person as you find them in that day. A day will come when all you want is to have just one more. I pray for all the caregivers and hope that today is a better day for you. One day at a time.....
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Well what I have to say to that is everyone is different . I know what you been though and the relief now off your shoulders. But if you truly loved your mom to me? You would have never said that. How long was you taking care of her? sence that happend to her? I took care of my mother for 10 yrs gave up everything. Why? Because she was there for me when I was little she would have NEVER walked AWAY that is from me as a daughter. Mother Is a Mother no matter what. Maybe one day I will be repayed back. if I do I do and if not I don't I did what I thought was wright from my heart and anything bad I did, I will be punished for it and I accept that! If I was dieing my mother would have never left me and wanted to be there for me no matter what the greef I did give her! If MY MOM DIES? I WANT TO DIE TOO!
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Dear Lightendpumken......not everyone on this site had a wonderful upbringing and/or childhood, or had a good relationship with their parents. So, to have to drop everything and care for their "elderly" parents can be a struggle that I understand completely.

My parents made no time for us, and when we graduated from high school, they kicked us out....literally! They said make it on your own as we have done enough. They took care of us out of obligation and because they brought us into the world. They never paid a dime for prom dresses, college, cars, or weddings. Never attended the Grandchildren's extracurricular activities or even baby sat with them. They are selfish people and just wanted us to leave them alone. So, guess what? I am happy to leave them alone. Also, sad but true, the Grandchildren are grown and want nothing to do with them. What does that tell you?
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I mentioned a book I had read about on this site in response to another question, but it bears repeating here: Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, by Pauline Boss. The author talks about being present for our loved ones by creating a new "normal" for ourselves. What we deal with on a daily basis is what she calls "ambiguous loss." Our loved ones are physically here, but no longer altogether mentally here, and this can leave us feeling sad and depressed and wanting out because of unresolved grief. We are grieving throughout our caregiving experience. That on top of the daily stress and hard work we put in. But we do it because we care. I recommend the book; it made me feel better. I hope it helps others, too. Hugs to all.
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My mother had early dementia when she died two years ago today. While her behavior & memory wasn't half as bad as yours or the other situations I read here, it was still tough to watch the change. (she stopped eating) The "letting go" part occurred for my father and siblings. I think their 'giving up' was very pre-mature. I knew my mom was a fighter...I also knew that if one of us were sick, she would do everything she could to try to fix it or at least give us comfort. That's why I resent my father and siblings because they chose to "let her go" way, way too soon, concerning medical treatment. I know your situation is different...but whenever I see that term..."let her go"...it brings up these feelings. Therefore, I like others here would say hang in there for your mother. I think later you will be at peace with yourself. If you throw-in-the-towel with your visits...you could regret it later, when you can't 'take it back'. Be strong for your father, your mother and yourself.
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