My mother has been in home for 2 years and while she is pleasant, she is constantly referring to boyfriends, parties, and seems to see me as her sister. This is especially difficult for my father as well. It is becoming difficult to visit yet she may live for years. If it wasn't for my father's sake, I'm not sure I would continue to visit on a regular basis. Have I finally given up on mom? Should I?
My parents made no time for us, and when we graduated from high school, they kicked us out....literally! They said make it on your own as we have done enough. They took care of us out of obligation and because they brought us into the world. They never paid a dime for prom dresses, college, cars, or weddings. Never attended the Grandchildren's extracurricular activities or even baby sat with them. They are selfish people and just wanted us to leave them alone. So, guess what? I am happy to leave them alone. Also, sad but true, the Grandchildren are grown and want nothing to do with them. What does that tell you?
argue (I'm sure you don't). I went with him wherever he was. He was happy there and he became agitated if I tried to correct him. I know that everyone is different but it made it easier for both of us. Hugs!
Krusso, I have read on this site when people criticize others who directly tried to help them and to those who were just commenting. As you have discovered, no one on this thread condemned you. You were condemning yourself. And that is also part of being a caregiver. The guilt we face on a daily basis.
I have had several times received some advice that I did not like. But I do not automatically react and type away my response. I stop reading AC and just think about what the posters said. If I agree with them, I follow their advice. if I don't, I don't. I will tell you this - I have been hurt twice on this site. Both times, I cried for a week - at work, driving, bathroom etc... Each time, I've learned to guard my heart here. But I had others who showed me support and helped me to come back here. I do what I can to help others - just as I have been helped. You All Take Care!!!
Krusso no one blames you for feeling the way you do. Lets face it...we have all been there at one point in time. I was so done with mom after the weeks and weeks of no sleep. And the fact that no matter what i did for her..it was not enough. It hurts to the very core of my being that she didn't know me anymore. We were the best of friends...and I was looking at an imposter. Some days I thought...why? Dementia is a horrible disease and for anyone that takes care of someone with dementia...they know it's the worst thing to suffer from. There was so many nights I cried for a little glimpse of mom. But I simply had to get over it..and roll with the punches. You are not the scum of the earth...it's a harsh reality that we have to come to terms with. You just haven't gotten there yet. But stay with us here on Agingcare.com. You can find some answers and share stories of your own. It's a wonderful support and heaven knows you will need it. I'm sorry...it's a sad journey but you won't regret it in the long run. Just hang on for the ride. God Bless.
There were times she knew I was someone she loved and trusted, but did not know that I was her daughter. Knowing that she could NOT see her caregivers in that same light, there is no way I could have abandoned her to strangers. I kept on, driving 30 miles, almost every day, to be with her, be a comfort to her, and just love her.
It is the hardest thing in the world to do. Every visit renews the grief of loss, and it never heals because it is continually re-opened. But I wouldn't have done anything differently. She wrote in her advanced directive that should she get to a point like this, all she wanted was someone to stay close by, hold her hand, and remind her she is precious to them. We did that. I'm crying as I write because it is all still so fresh, I just lost my mom in January.
Love her for who she is now, roll with it when she doesn't know you, just play along with what she thinks is reality. Your memories of your "real" mom will fade for a time as this new stranger is taking her place. But you will get through it, and your better memories of her WILL come back and comfort you.
Please do not give up on Mom. All the posts above are right on. My Mom too passed from Alzheimers and colon cancer at hospice but I continued to visit every day and bring her her favorite foods, curl her hair, put lipstick on her, take her on her wheechair to see the trees outside and sit in the dining room to eat her lunch. But by the time the afternoon or evening rolled around she would call me and ask me why I never came to see her and one time told sis that I never came to see her for 5 days. So even if Mom forgot that I came and loved on her and even if she forgot, those times that I was there she knew and it gave her so much love and she was sooooooo happy. So even if it was a short time of happiness, it WAS happiness-and for me that's all that mattered. Trust me, you will not regret it in the end. If you can give your Mom happiness, love, compassion, etc.,. even if she doesn't know who you are, you will be so blessed and satisfied in the end and will feel a joy indescribable. Please try to remember, its Mom who's important here and now, lets forget about ourselves and our own hurt feelings. If Mom doesn't feel hurt if she forgets you but feels your love and compassion no matter who you are to her, that is what matters. God Bless you and help you in your struggles and give you the strength to love on your Mom to the fullest.
The caregiving was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life...but I can honestly say, I have no regrets. When you finally come to terms with what the disease is doing...you just simply go with the flow. Don't argue, or debate with her..she has no control over what's happening...just show the love. I know its frustrating..and you want things to be different. Separate your hurt feelings and do the best you can...and if you can't. That's okay...but don't give up. God Bless.
Sherry, I don't think you have given up, you are grieving the loss of the mother you have always known. She is no longer there but yet she is. I suggest you read the book by Pauline Boss, "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia". It will help you to understand why you feel what you feel as you journey through this disease with your mother. I also suggest that when you visit her and she thinks you are her sister, just go with the flow on it, don't try to convince her otherwise because her reality is very true to her even though you know it is not real. An example: Yesterday my mom called me ( I was just at her house 5 min. earlier), when I answered the phone, she asked if I was Sharyn or "K"(my sister), I said Sharyn. She responded, this does not sound like Sharyn, I said, I have a cold mom. She sarcastically replied, well so do I!! Then she said, I will call back later when Sharyn is there. I calmly said ok. She called back 10 minutes later and everything was fine, she knew who I was. My father passed in 2003 from Alzheimer's. The last 2 1/2 years of his life he was in a snh. I visited him 2-3 times a week. Quite often he sat with his chin to his chest dozing. I would talk with him about the grandchildren and what was going with everyone in the family. This one particular day, I could not get him to wake up enough to talk, so after about 30 minutes, I gave him a kiss and said I was going to go now dad, I love you. As I walked away, he said, "Don't Go". I was so shaken by his comment because I didn't think he could hear or comprehend anything I said. I sat back down and he was awake for about 30 minutes while we talked together. I cherish that memory of him and I learned that even though he may not seem to be awake, he was listening to me and enjoying what I was saying though he could not respond back. They are in there, but they are in their own world that does include you, so enjoy where your loved is at the moment even if you have to their sister, a childhood friend, or their deceased mother. It is worth it to have cherished memories of them. Hugs to you!!
While I can sorta understand where you're coming from, I don't think I can 'ever' give up on my mom because despite what I consider to be her 'short comings' (and mine as well), "she's still the only mother I will ever have in this world". God NEVER promised me that the road I'd taken in 'this life' would be an easy one, and despite the way my mom grew up (extremely abusive father, who at times could be very loving, when he'd let himself), she raised us the best way she knew how and ALWAYS gave us her last because that's how much she loves us.
Dementia, Alzheimers, etc. does some awful things to the ones we love the most, I've seen my mom do things and when I ask her what she's doing, she says, "I don't know or understand why, but I just do" it breaks my heart to see this once deeply independent woman so baffled by what's going on in her life now.
Although, I am her primary care-giver, thank God I do have other family (one brother and two nephews who help out, but 95% of the time it's me with God's help for me to make it through) there for me too, but I'd sure be nice to get a little bit of time to myself.
Lastly, sadly your mom is in her own little world now, and there's nothing you can do about it, so if possible why not try to make her as 'comfortable' as you can, while still "living your own life too"? Is this not what your mom would have wanted for you? In her more 'lucid' moments (praise the Lord for them) my mom says to me, "take care of you because I know that God is and will take care of me, whatever happens to me it will be alright in the end", and you know what she's absolutely right.
So, don't give up on your mom, continue to visit when you can, pray for and with her, live your life and leave ALL the rest up to God because He can handle it, much better than we ever could. Hope this helps.
P.S. for Krusso, ("Earth has NO sorrow that Heaven can not Heal", 2 Corinthians 1) Your love for your mom sounds wonderful but do you think she'd really want you to die along with her? I also want my mom back as well, but some things just aren't meant to be (but...!!!), and while it almost kills me to see my mom the way she is too (my older brother barely calls any more, and has come to visit only once she this all happened, but I'm moving on with my life just the same), I've got to 'live' the rest of the time that has been alloted to me because I won't be able to repeat it. KNOW that your mom loves you with EVERY thing in her, take that and move to make the most of your life, as a "living tribute to her" while she can still see it. 'Happiness' comes in stages, so let the good times you've had with her fill your live and be a form of happiness to you and not the continued 'sadness', which might not be so good for her. I will pray for you and your mom, and all here as well. Hugs to you and ALL.
If you mean give up as in this isn't my real mom and I want her back then yes you need to give up. The mom you knew no longer exists and short of a miracle, your mom is never coming back. That was the hardest part for me and its called denial. I got into counseling to help me. As long as I live, I'll remember the day I accepted that my dad was gone and not coming back. It was more difficult than the day he died. I still cry about it.
This disease is horrible for everyone. I pray every single day for those with it and for those who are caring for someone with it.
Tour mom can't help or prevent what's happening. Don't blame her for it and don'tbe ashamed of her.
My retired MIL would visit her mother in the nursing home twice a month (200 miles away). When we would go with my MIL, she would yell at her Mother the entire time because she couldn't remember people, things, etc. My children didn't understand why their grandmother yelled at this sweet lady contantly. Those visits were so unpleasant and uncomfortable for everyone, so we stopped going with the MIL. Also, with Grandma being so far away, family couldn't be there to check up on how she was being treated. It was MIL idea to leave her in another state instead of bringing her here. Well, this dear sweet lady suffered many bruises, falls, and broken bones, etc. The staff always said another resident did this to her. My MIL refused to move her. So, you get the picture. Without family around, they are neglected. The attention and care always goes to the patient/resident who has "vocal" family members that are always present and showing up at odd times. It's sad, but it is true.