I've posted before about my dad. Here's a brief summary of the situation. We've been assisting him for over three years now. He lived with us for almost ten months while recovering from serious health problems. Now he lives "independently" in a senior residence with a great deal of help from my husband and me.
Last May, we finally managed to remove one of our responsibilities: Dad started doing his own laundry. This came about because I had surgery and we needed a break. Our plan had been for Dad to pay to have his laundry done at the senior residence, but he refused to spend the money and instead started washing everything himself. (At most, it's only one load per week).
Now he's trying to give back the task, and he's using a variety of tactics to make it happen. My feeling is that we have done everything else for him and if he won't pay to have the laundry done, he'll have to continue to do it himself. Is that an unreasonable approach? I told him again today that if doing the laundry is making him tired, he should make use of the laundry service instead, but he came up with more excuses about why that wouldn't be a good idea.
Whatever u decide is good, do not feel guilty. You are a good and attentive daughter
If the cost is not much could it be take out of a fund that can be established and just absorbed into the monthly cost so he does not see nor actually physically pay for the service himself?
This way he will not feel like it is an "extra" cost.
I know I would want to "pinch my pennies" if I were in his shoes.
And if he is doing one load a week does that give him enough clean clothes?
If he is wearing regular underwear and not disposable for the week you have 7 underwear, 7 pair of socks, a few shirts and a pair of pants or two. He can wear the same pants a few days and maybe even the same shirt more than once. I know with all the laundry I do of my husbands I get to mine once every other week and it is mostly underwear and t-shirts. I wear the same pants a few times before I wash them. So if he is actually doing the laundry once a week that might be enough. If he is using a washing machine rather than trying to hand wash items. Hand washing will not get most items clean enough.
Next time you visit see how clean the laundry is. If it is clean and he has enough clothes I would not make this a "hot button" item.
When it gets to the point where he can not manage at all then it is time to step in and take over and make it more of an issue. And maybe at that point he would be better in Memory Care than Assisted Living.
"what will people think" issue.
There's no right answer but it sounds like everyone needs a time out. I don't know all the history but how about just telling dad that for a two week or more period you will be on vacation and he will need to make arrangements for that time. Its not cruel, its called respite. If you have sibs let them know too. Worn out, angry and frustrated creates its own downward spiral.
When you're in a better place it may help you make some admittedly tough decisions about what you can do and what you want to do and how to talk to your dad about this. If he's 95 then you are probably not still in your 30s and your health matters too.
Best of luck and hugs to everyone in this chain dealing with the impossible.
Kidnumber2, Wow! Your mom's comment about costs "coming out of your inheritance" was really blatant. Does she honestly think that you're taking care of her for the sake of an inheritance? Especially an inheritance that will be shared equally with siblings who don't help?
CTTN55, Your plans for helping your mom are completely reasonable--very generous and kind. It sounds as though you will be driving her on various errands at least twice a week and even more often on weeks when she has doctor's appointments. Parents don't realize that our time has an intrinsic value, and they also don't seem to realize that it costs money to maintain a vehicle.
Rainmom, I'm sorry that I didn't respond sooner to your comment about a possible "Laundry Nazi." I don't want to ask Dad about that directly, but I will ask him who else uses the machines (it should be only three other people, at most) and if there are any problems with sharing them.
I mentioned being paid for taxi service, and boy did that unleash the nastiness! She still thinks differently of me now months later, and that I am "trying to take advantage" of her. She thinks that giving me her car is in exchange for being her taxi service.
I am the only daughter and local, so the expectations are very different for me. She claims that babysitting my kids years ago (never fulltime!) and her giving me jewelry means I have to do things for her (never mind that she gave the brother who didn't bother to see his parents for FIVE YEARS her valuable diamond engagement ring!).
Don't worry -- I will set boundaries, nasty though she might be about it. And I have informed my brothers that if she becomes unreasonable that I am walking away.
My point is do what you can and feel comfortable with. If the inheritance is spread equally, that is her decision. You make YOUR decision. If it is too costly for to do all these things, start putting a price on them.
I had a friend who had very wealthy siblings. Since she was broke and had no job they sort of "elected" her as the caretaker. She negotiated a "salary" for this, this not interfering with the inheritance question. For me, my position is I would do my best, but I would rather the old folks spend their own money taking care of themselves (they are far away and I am in no position whatsoever to "drop everything") by hiring caretakers and the like.
It is complicated when one person is relegated to all the tasks and the money is left to the others. It is important to understand what you are doing and get the others involved too.
In the end, it is more important for me to have peace of mind than money. Just do what you are able to and draw from HER bank account to do the tasks if you can not afford them. Why do all the work and put yourself in economic and personal jeopardy so all your other siblings can benefit?
Good luck and don't stress out:)
seems to conflict with
"I have had my mother tell me that I was "stingy" for not doing things she wanted me to do that I simply cannot afford."
These old people don't see the contradiction themselves, of course. I am within weeks of becoming my mother's taxi service. I was told last week that she expects me to take her shopping. While I had decided to shop for her from a list when I do our weekly shopping, I've softened my stance. She will get ONE shopping trip per week. And that should be no more than a few stores, and will be mainly grocery shopping. I will take her to weekly Mass, (the Mass *I* want to go to) and to her medical appointments. I've told her several times that I am not chasing all over to save a few cents (this is a "game" to her that she enjoys). She'd said no, of course not, but most recently has said that if I don't do it, it will mean less inheritance for me. Yeah, right, I'll be wasting MY time and gas to save $.25 on the dollar (I inherit equally with my three out-of-state brothers)? I don't think so!
I don't know where he lives, but in my community there are DOZENS of reliable laundry services that pick up and deliver with everything intact.
Good Luck:)
I have a sick old mother. When I was a youngster my parents divorced. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc etc etc from a young age. I have all I can do to get my OWN laundry done at this point in life.
Sometimes parents remember their offsrping as the energetic children they once were, with mountains of energy.
Also, I have been specifically told by my mother that if she has to pay for this or that, this will be money cut from my inheritance. I don't care!!!!
Seems like sometimes the parent considers this a frivolous expense. Also, as he is older he may just want to spend more time with you. Set your boundaries. Buy more socks, underwear, t-shirts or whatever he needs so he doesn't have to think about having the laundry done as often. Arrange for the pick up and drop off of the laundry - maybe during one of your visits to bring him groceries. You will drop dead trying to fulfill all his wishes. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Maybe you can help him put the clean clothes away when they return from the laundry. Then he will think you are "doing the laundry".
I have had my mother tell me that I was "stingy" for not doing things she wanted me to do that I simply cannot afford.
You can only do so much. At 95 He may be focusing on the "half empty glass". That is too bad, but it sounds like you are doing an awful lot for him.
Honestly, I would love to be able to pay to have someone do all my laundry and housework.
He is probably lonely and doesn't really realize you are stretched as thin as possible.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing amount of things for him. God bless you.
I found out when I was taking both my parents [in their 90's] grocery shopping that they were only going with me to help me with the groceries. Good grief, if I had known that I would have stopped them coming along with me. Example, I would be in Aisle 26 and they would still be in Aisle 5. It was an all day ordeal which tired me out. I think they were glad when I offered to pick up their grocery list and get the groceries myself :)
Yes, I am POA, but Dad is fully competent mentally, and he would justifiably be irate if I started making decisions for him and spending his money under the current circumstances.
When we take Dad shopping tomorrow, I'll take a look at the washer/dryer area and see if there are any obvious barriers to the laundry process. I'll also ask him, on his next laundry day (Thursday) if he can think of anything that would make the task easier for him. I don't expect a positive answer to that question. He has repeatedly rejected the idea of using the senior residence's laundry facilities. He has also rejected the idea of having a caregiver for a few hours a week to do the laundry and take him shopping. I think that his laundry plan is to do it all himself and complain about it.
Honestly, I don't think that there is any way to satisfy him short of taking on the task again ourselves. And that wouldn't necessarily stop the complaints. For a long time, every time we delivered the clean laundry, Dad griped about how much effort it was for him to put it all away.
Guess I need to turn a deaf ear to the complaints (much easier said than done) and see what happens.
Babalou, I went to Amazon and looked at the Versacart. It looks like a really useful product. I would have loved something like that many years ago when we were walking to and from the Laundromat. It would probably be difficult for Dad to use something like that in conjunction with the walker, but I might print off a picture of it and get his opinion.
I do think that this is primarily a boundary issue. I've drawn a line in the sand, and Dad is busily trying to erase it.
IMO, you need at least one free hand in case you lose balance or fall. So, it's rather risky for him to do it himself. And if he refuses to pay the laundry service....to save on the aggravation, I might just pay the laundry service out of my pocket and call it a day. I know, it's not fair, not right, not your place to pay.....all that...but, having him not fall down would be more important to me.
The fact that they hadn't the time or the patience or the energy for whatever task it was was neither here nor there. The fence stayed down, the thermostat in the immersion heater went unrepaired for heaven's sake, for months on end. I used to wish that my mother had the common sense and the backbone simply to call someone in and just not mention it.
I don't suppose you could request laundry services on his behalf and, if he doesn't just go along with it, tell him there must have been a misunderstanding (fingers crossed behind your back)?
Veronica, I'll take a look at the machines tomorrow. I don't think that new machines have been installed in the last few months, but I will see if there appear to be any physical barriers that would make the task more difficult.
What is especially annoying is that Dad has no problems giving/offering money to my sister and her family, but he is unwilling to spend any money on services that would make it easier to take care of him.
But if it's just that the novelty has worn off and he can't be bothered and fancies getting someone else to do the work... Fair enough, and he can pay those nice service laundry people who will happily do it for him.
When he grumbles about being tired after doing laundry - agree with him that it is tiring & change the subject. If he comes right out and tells you he wants you to do his laundry - just say "I'm not able to do that" and change the subject.
He is a grown man, intelligent - either he will do his laundry himself or pay for it. His laundry, his problem.
Stop worrying about it. This is probably the first of many boundaries you are going to have to set but once you get the hang of it - it will liberate you.
People do loose their skills slowly and there does come a time where a basket full of laundry is just too heavy or it makes him feel unbalanced and he has a fear of falling and no longer being able to live independently.
Now I am trying to picture my own Dad trying to do his laundry. He would probably take a nap and forget he had clothes in the washer. Then he would find all of his clothes, including under garments sitting in a wet pile on top of the machine because the cycle was over and some one else wanted the machine. Since Dad doesn't pay much attention to this clothes, he might not know that those were his things. It can become complicated as one ages.
Now my Dad is in Memory Care and part of the room/board includes the Staff doing his laundry, bed sheets and towels [they supply the sheets/towels].
Jeanne, I'm so sorry for your loss.
He is not willing to spend money on it now. Well, any money left when he dies you are probably going to get, right? So use some of it to send your own laundry out when the time comes!
Pick your battles. This one, it seems to me, is not one worth fighting. A pleasant relationship in your remaining time with him would be worth doing a load of laundry a week, to me. (But then, my mother just died last week, so maybe I'm looking at this from a slightly different perspective.)