My mom died in March 2020. I am plagued and haunted by her last couple of days. In my logical mind, I know she has found rest from full time caregiving for my dad (endless neediness). She wanted to die in her own bed and she wanted it quick - both of those happened too. 3 weeks from diagnosis. I stayed with her constantly, playing music, talking to her, reading scriptures to her. I wasn’t there when she drew her last breath - I was in another room with my sister and my beloved nephew. When I think of not being there at the very end, I feel like I let her down. I always promised her I would never leave her and she wouldn’t be alone when she died. But she was. At night especially, I have flashbacks to the last couple of days - the death rattle, the foam coming out of her mouth, endless syringes of medicine, the sound of her screaming, cussing and begging to die, the image of her lying in her bed with her head turned slightly to one side with her hair mussed up (she was always put together and hated her hair messy), her face looking bruised as the blood began to pool after her death. These and more flood my mind and I am paralyzed in pain. I never thought I would feel this way. I thought I would be relieved and happy for her because her life really sucked in the last 5 years. Is it possible to have PTSD from something like this?
After 4 or 5 months, all my contracts had run out and I hadn’t had time to set up more work. I raided my bank account and went on a 6 week trip. New things to look at and think about every day were the turning point for me, although there were a few relapses as well. Give yourself time. Don’t let caring for your father keep you stuck in that time and place. Plan your way to a new life.
You were with her, she knew it, and she wanted to spare you watching her cross over. It's far from uncommon.
I've seen where family is around a dying relative 24/7, and as soon as they step out of the room, even just for a quick trip to the bathroom... that's when they let go.
My grandmother did this. Her sons were taking shifts with her in the hospital. Dying from cancer, on hospice, and over a month went by with her just lingering. Nurses said she just wasn't letting go. When one son left and the other was on his way, that's when she took a deep breath and died.
I saw my sister for weeks and I just tried to be grateful that her suffering was over. It did help to picture happier times in my mind.
I am sorry for your loss and I pray that God gives you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time. Time truly does heal this wound.
Your mom didn't want you there for her final breath. She was leaving to a better place and didn't want you to have that memory. Please forgive yourself for being in the other room, you didn't do anything to feel bad about. She wasn't alone, Jesus came to take her home.
I thought I'd never forget the sight of my dead father's face, but within six months I couldn't bring up that image no matter how hard I tried. I still remember the general parts of his last days, but by and large it has faded.
I didn't have half the visuals you seem to have had, so just know that it'll take time for it to fade away. I think you should look into grief counseling or therapy to help, though, because you saw a lot.
*(side note I think maybe your mom was under medicated, she should not have been in pain as you describe)
OK..
Your Mom was not alone. You were there in the house..you were with other family supporting them as well. She knew you were there...
I had the same thoughts about not being right there when my Husband died, I was in the next room..I thought I heard him but when I did not hear any more I fell back to sleep. The Nurse told me that death is a private matter. Often people will wait until the room is empty, they will ask the person that has been sitting at the bedside for hours, or days to go get them a drink, or a blanket and the person will die when they leave the room. Or they wait until the person that has been sitting gets up to go to the bathroom.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You did the best that you could for a long time and that is all anyone could ever ask. It is your turn to be kind to YOU
First off, many times our loved ones DO NOT want us there in the room to watch them take their last breath. They PURPOSELY pass when we're NOT there so they don't leave us with that last ugly memory branded onto our brains. Trust that your mother transitioned exactly when she did for a reason; to spare you from watching her pass.
Secondly, it's human nature to dwell on ugly memories and ones that bring us sadness and pain. When I think about my dad's last days on earth, my mind immediately goes to the death rattle and assorted other ugly images. So I literally FORCE my mind OFF of those images and on to happier days when he was laughing at my kitchen table during a Christmas celebration. Force YOUR mind OFF of those ugly images of your mom and on to the happier times you had together. She does not want you remembering her in her last moments, but during her LIFE when she was happy and healthy. She's at peace now, and you can be assured of that; just look for signs that she's still with you in spirit. After my dad died, I kept finding pennies & dimes everywhere I went; I saved them all up and have a ton as reminders that they were gifts from HIM after he passed over.
PTSD is a very real thing, and you probably have some of it from what you've gone through. Talk to your doctor right away about medication to help you; I went on Paxil after I found my birth family in 2000 and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Yeah, family reunions for adoptees are NOT like they are on Long Lost Family, either. I couldn't sleep, I was crying a LOT, very sensitive to noise (that's the startle reflex acting up) and just anxiety ridden like never before. After the doctor put me on Paxil, it was as if a light switch was turned off in my head and I was finally able to function. Don't let this go on any longer; get some help, via medication and/or talk therapy or both.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
As for going over your Mom's last days. I think that is probably natural too. I went over different moments of my mom's last days. I still do, five years later. But slowly over time, the impact of those last moments don't seem as devastating. In time, you'll replace those thoughts with good, happier times you spent with your mom.
I know it's hard but you will get through this.
I was a nurse. In the beginning of my career there was no hospice nor hospice care and to tell the truth I saw the end of life come so badly that I myself have never feared death, only feared what happens before death. Hospice care was such a relief to me, and toward the end of my career I seldom saw a bad death; but I saw only hospital deathes where morphine could be given intravenously.
I am sorry it went so badly.
Do know that it is my experience that people often DO exit when others who they worry over are out of the room. They long to separate at then end, and family, even much loved, can feel a burden at the end.
You have been very expressive about both ends of this. And I think you will find peace even if it takes time. Try to journal to your Mom whatever your beliefs. I am an atheist and I write my bro still (tho less a faithful pen pal) the long letters we shared throughout our lives when separated. I decorate it with collage, tell him what I still worry over, tell him what I wanted to tell him that day, tell him when something reminds me of him.
I could not be with my bro at the end due to covid 19. I have received just today a last packet of our letters, cards, pictures from the friend who cleaned out his last things. They are so precious to me, and now, 95 days later, so much of the end time goes from trauma and pain to peace, to being settled, to beautiful memories of what we were lucky to have together. I can finally look at things without tears, with some pathos, but without tears and agony.
I believe you will heal. Allow yourself to feel what you feel when you feel it and if there are days you can only curl into a fetal ball saying "Oh, Mom, Mom....." then let yourself do that. Let no one tell you how to mourn; that belongs to you. I read the above and I trust that there will be peace, even joy in some memories, even laughter at remembered joy. I wish you the best and send you hugs. I will tell you this. I am 78, with a 58 year old daughter. I do not want her feeling bad about ANYTHING. Not about ANYTHING.
I am so sorry for your loss. You will be OK.
The counselor told me almost everyone feels that they let the dying person down, and that's is usual to keep asking what you should have done, or not done. He said it's just part of the grief and you have to forgive yourself and know that THEY knew you did the very best you could under the circumstances. I'm sorry about your mom - I feel this pandemic is making the grief even worse for many people because there are few ways to occupy yourself with activities. Your mom would absolutely forgive you.