I feel guilty asking this question, but has anyone regretted their decision to let a family member move in? I think I made a mistake.

I've regretted it from day one. 10 months later and it hasn't gotten any easier. My life has been taken from me just after we became empty nesters. No other family members are close by and they don't want them by them so it's on me and my husband. I never knew it would be this hard

Good evening. I'm "soulsearcher". You can read extensively about my experience with my elderly parent if you go to the messages in the earlier part of the day.

I feel like you do...like my life has been taken away from me...and I knowingly gave it...except...like you...I didn't know it would be this hard. It's good that you have a companion to try and help you cope. I don't even have that. If it begins to interfere with your marriage, this may be the point where you may need to consider making other arrangements because you deserve a life with your husband. It will be hard, but if I had a companion...I would let nothing impact that relationship negatively. I know you feel bad now, but I think you'll feel worse if you don't make some adjustments so you can enjoy the life that you and your husband have worked so hard for.

Hello - don't rule out assisted living or replacement knees and medicare/medicaide. You'd be surprised at the amount of assistance available to your MIL. Contact your area agency on aging to see what's possible. There are low income apartments for seniors that are based on income. Knee replacements are also less expensive and invasive now - if she has one she can go to a nursing home for rehab she doesn't have to return to your home until she's able to do things for herself.

Taking a parent into our home is difficult even if they're able and willing to pitch in with money and chores. you're an angel to do this and I hope you get good karma for it.

Only every day!!

This is a long post, I know the feeling of my life being on hold and have decided to pay someone for weekend help if I can find it and I think I can thru the daycare. I hope you all take the time to realize as do I, that even thou its so difficult , we are doing the BEST darn thing we can for our parents and we just may get what we give, as they say. Even if not, I know in my heart that my Mom couldnt be in a better happier safer more well loved place. This gives me such joy beyond belief!

Hello Kitty,
What you are feeling is natural, When you decide to be a care giver you have no idea to what you only have good good intentions.
Care givers do not realize that care giving can last for months and even years. Because out parents are living longer, it affects many care givers in ways never expected- it affects their own family relationships, work relationships , work attendance and performance. the outside relationships and then there is the affect in the pocket book.
Depending on the family dynamics the emotional toll in the many care givers pay in the relationship is the biggest price they pay. The stress of caring for another affects your health and well being.
When you bring a family member into your home, you have lost your safe haven and many feel as if they have no place to hide.

The next step is to get help in the home. This is not a task that anyone should do alone, Seek resources in the community to give you some help. If there are other family members that are not willing or able to assist physically, ask that they contribute something financially to allow you time away.

Your health and well being is at stake. Be firm. You are human and have your limits. Accept them, acknowledge them and ask for help.

Diane

You are sooo right. I have found myself at times not wanting to go home because I have to deal with things.

Kitty
i know just how your feeling, i have had my grandmother since 2005, and it's a mess. she like the child how about a two year old. the more i do the more she want's me to do. she's 89 but in fairly good health. on set dementia, but most of the time she with us. here's the thing she is messy, talks about everybody in the family to each other. she plays the ends against the middle. i feel like i'm in perison most of the time, i have one son two grandkids. when the grands come over the first thing she wants to know is when are they leaving.You don't want to hear what i tell her. i go to work come home to deal with her, as soon as i get home i have to clean bathrooms get her dinner, which she might or might now eat. but i have to cook so i don't feel bad about not feeding her, get her ready for the next and bed. No body come to see her because she's a s--t starter. if my husband and i want to do something at any moments notice we can't, if we do make plans we can't tell her because then she's gets sick. No i get no help from the family members NONE. i do have a caretaker that comes in from 7am to 12 noon. and if i have too we can pay her anytime we just have to go out. Like now i'm telling everybody that we will be out of town the week before thanksgiving. no one has stepped up and offered yet. If no one dose, i have already made up my mind she going in a home for that week. which at that point everybody will have something to say. which this is going to cost about 700.00 i'm in Calif. i was thinking about retiring next year to say home and let her pay me to take care of her but i don't know about that
What's a girl to do.

we all have done this battle one way or another. Sometimes we give up things not even knowing we are doing it. Even our health and friends and family. You try your best and if it does not work seek out even day care or a assisting living. I went through the health care at home, I was in Florida and was told by New York State social workers and nurses they would do there job. Well I still had to work, mom was not that ill in 2003, but on a regular schedule visit after one of her falls, i found the house a mess, smellled. and everyone watching TV. I left my job of 23 years just in banking alone. I was only 55. I lost a lot , took care of mom for four more years. In 2007 I had to move her to Florida she did weel for a while in our home, but then the hurriane mom happened. I was hit, cursed at, spite on and she refused her medicine. I had to place her near by home so I could visit regular. She was well taken care of , always clean, good food, good people. However her little boby after two years just gave out. She forgot everyone, except me. Its was hard to watch at the end, but I was there for her. we sang, we played games, watched movies and I did sleep overs. You do what is also best for your self. Bless you and take care of yourself too.

You know, I know I've expressed feelings of regret and uncertainty about taking my mother in 5 years ago...while I watched all of my siblings log off. I've put my children and my mother before me. I wouldn't even consider marriage because I didn't want my children or mother to have to go through anything difficulties if I picked the wrong person.

There have been nights when all I can do is cry and pray...wondering "why me". One night, I was very depressed, and a feeling of comfort came over me...and all I could hear was "You may not get your reward in this life, but God sees every tear...and He will take care of everything in due time."

For those of you who are not religious, I suppose you will just disregard this message...but I am only able to cope because I know God is still in control...even in this situation. That's what keeps me going.

About a year ago, my mother came to me and said that we started life together when I was born...and she wanted us to be together again at the end of her life. I will never put my mother out...no matter how hard it gets. Yes, I have my regrets and feel as though life has passed me by. But...I won't change a thing as long as I know God will give me the wisdom and strength to deal with the situation.

I also wish that my mom had chosen to live in assisted living. I cant bring my self to put her there, but it would be alot easier. My mom has dementia and has troubles with her bowels. Problem is if she has an accident she hides it as if nothing happened and we dont know until (A) the dogs find it or (B) she has a bigger accident cause she didn't put a clean depends on... I cannot quit my job so I am going back working evenings and my husband will be home in the evening. Thanks for the venting... next :)

I think of all the diapers my mother changed when I was born. I think of the shopping sprees we went on in my teens...just the two of us...and I remember how we all cried when my mother and father dropped me of at college.

It never dawned on me that one day the roles would be reversed. That I would become the caregiver, and she would become the person in need.

I never thought my father would die 3 weeks before I graduated from Engineering school...and I never thought I wouldn't have a chance to give something back to them for putting me through school.

I think of these things..and I become selfless as I've often written in my earlier notes. When the going gets rough...think of the wonderful times you spent with your mother when she was young, and you were a child with blissful days and peaceful nights. She made those days possible, now all you can do is try to make her remaining days as worry free as possible. The elderly are all afraid of nursing homes, assisted living, etc. Mostly, they are afraid of being alone.

My mother is still in her right mind...but when she deteriorates, I will be there to provide the care she will need. Search deep inside of your soul for strength and force your mind to bring up the wonderful memories of holidays and Halloween candy...watching her check every piece of candy for safety before she would let you eat it.

There are such wonderful people on this board...including you. Use it to the fullest. It's true...there is power in numbers... and strength in unity...

I wish I could feel that way...my grand father is not....a very nice person and to me his care is onerous and at times obscene and frightening...I do it for my mother...that will be different...

Yes, it's harder when they are so "mean". It comes from just "not feeling well" all of the time. They don't know how to voice it, so they often "act out". Although she does not have dementia, we went through a period where she was just mean to me and my children. I realized that I was no longer looking at the loving mother that I once had, and started searching for wisdom about where the meanness was coming from.

Besides pain and discomfort...they are often dealing with feelings of low self-esteem, no self worth, and they see no purpose for their lives...especially if they were healthy and active until they became ill as they got older.

I've watched this too with my brother-in law. When he could no longer work...he just withdrew from life. My sister tried everything to bring him out of the place his mind is in...which is not here with us. Things that they once enjoyed...don't interest them anymore.

This means that you have to concentrate on getting some help to "reinforce" your abilities to deal with a difficult elderly parent. They say that you can deal with the cruelty if you understand why it is happening. "Knowledge is power". Seek out the reasons for all of the anger...even if he won't talk to you. Someone, maybe a professional, out there knows where the anger comes from...and also knows how best to handle it.
Keep writing too. Someone on this board may respond with "just what the doctor ordered" for YOU.

I mean from way back..and I had to clear out his porn collection but I do know what you are saying about being tired worn out and crabby...That I understand...Having him look at my chest and try to look up my skirts and leer that is not age related , in this case. And I imagine some others know it in their lives, It isn't rare enough for me to be the only one...

You are absolutely right! This kind of behavior should not be tolerated...no matter what the circumstance or condition.

You are there, and readily accessible. They tend to antagonize the people who are closest to them.

Perhaps you should start imposing some "alone time" if he doesn't stop the inappropriate behavior. If the doesn't work, no one should have to put up with this...especially if he's in his right mind and just mean.

I'm afraid that I would make it plain...either he straightens up...or he goes somewhere else...

Thank you, it helps to have an outside view point I am so deep in it all nothing makes sense anymore....

I know. This board is filled with wonderful people...and I find that the advice hey have given is sound.

There's no use in trying to talk to someone who isn't going through it because they won't fully understand the extent of what you are dealing with.

Keeping writing. We'll be there for you when you need us. That's a promise.

Thank you. I am in a rather un fixable situation really. But I am doing ok moseying along. Some people here are living hell on earth I swear....I am just counting the days (that turned into years) and waiting for the next phase of my life...

Me too. And we know...the next phase is coming as long as we take care of ourselves...we just have to learn how to hold on until the next phase gets here...

soulsearcher,
You sound like a lovely, caring person who had a wonderful childhood and beautiful parents. You have been blessed. But, many of us on here can't relate to that.
I didn't have blissful days or peaceful nights. (Still don't)
There where no shopping sprees as a teen nor did my parents help me with any schooling. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home.
I take care of my parents I think mostly out of a sense of duty.
I find no joy in it. They are a burden to me, but I continue to give them excellent care in my home.
My mother took care of me as a child out of a sense of duty, she found no joy in it. The care I received was not excellent.
And I was a burden to her. She made me very aware of that.
Some people are mean, angry, bitter because that is who they are for whatever reason. I am tired, in pain and have lost my way of life and I am not mean, angry or negative. I would never take out my frustrations on anyone.
I read your posts with interest. How I wish I would have had a childhood like yours.

KITTY:

Baby, I even regret opening the door when they're passing by the neighborhood posing as Jehovah's Witnesses bringing me the Word. (The real ones I entertain, everybody else I have to mentally prepare for.)

As I get older, I cherish "ME TIMEs" more and more and find safety in solitude. After 12 hours of counseling MICA (mentally ill, chemically addicted) in the Queens boondocks near JFK Airport, I want to hear the silence the moment I open my front door.

I shudder at the thought of having my grandkids for a weekend; or a date coming back for her toothbrush the following afternoon. I also consider chains, umbrellas, watches, and clothing items reminiscent of dental floss as intended to mark territory. So no, I won't allow anyone -- family member or otherwise -- to contemplate the thought of moving in and offering to pay half of everything. Abso-freaking-lutely not!

After the three years my mother lived with me (she was supposed to stay three weeks), I've realized how precious sanity is for a caregiver. You just can't put a price tag on it.

I regretted every minute she hung around like a lump; bitching, moaning and groaning about everything. Whenever she had those bursts of energy, she wouldn't let you do anything around the house to then say you did nothing. ... She had to go.

For a while I didn't forgive myself for taking her in, but quickly got over it the day I put her in a cab bound for a senior citizen home on the other side of The Bronx and watched her disappear into the sunset.

Hope that makes you feel better.

-- ED

WOW-OUCH !

Dear Yearright and Edvierajr,

I'm so sorry that you had a bad childhood. It's the only time we have that should be carefree...before the world gets us...and if a person doesn't get the nurturing at home...their whole lives turn into one huge bad experience.

I would imagine you would say the same thing I have said to others...that other people cannot possibly understand what you went through...unless they went through something similar themselves.

That's why I wanted to work the most difficult cases. I've worked with children who had to stay in a locked facility because their PARENTS had threatened to kill them, and their lives were at serious risk. I've worked with WHOLE FAMILIES SUFFERING FROM AIDS. I've worked with people whose parents brought them into the soup kitchen everyday, because they were HEROIN ADDICTS and would not spend money on anything else but heroin. I worked with a girl who had cut herself from her head to her toes because she felt that her parents didn't love her. The cases that stick with me the most are the young men who were SEXUALLY ABUSED BY THEIR MOTHERS, and thought it was their fault...some of them were on suicide watch.

I was so broken... from the mental and physical abuse...that I had to find a way to heal if I was to survive. I quit my job to go into the world and "give back" some measure of happiness to those who were seriously hurting. Why? Because when the world got hold of me, the sunny days were over. My ex-husband almost killed me...had it not been for the neighbors who called the police and broke the door down. I looked in the mirror, and couldn't recognize myself. It was all downhill from there. I could tell you some things that happened to me as an adult, that would help you see that a person is always at risk for serious abuse...even in adulthood. I shouldn't be here...but "I Survived".

First, I had to get help myself for all of the abuse I had suffered as an adult. Only then was I ready to help others. I go to the orphanages, hospitals, Ronald McDonald House for parents with terminally ill children, the free store food bank, and the list goes on. I am the anonymous person, who makes Christmas happen for the less fortunate...and I can only do all of this with God's help. Sorry if either of you may not believe in God, but He's real and He's the reason why I'm still here and able to give back. That's a fact.

I'm not telling you this to take away from the serious pain you suffered as a child. I'm telling you this to help you realize the irony of life...how a person could have a childhood like mine...and then be nearly murdered and abused to the point that I wanted to take my own life to get away from it at any cost.

The fact that the two of you are taking care of your parents at all is extremely "selfless". It shows that there is still something within you, that allows you to be human. It is said..."Do not commit the crime that others have committed against you." The two of you are doing this...and I sincerely believe that you will be rewarded for doing it...even if it is being done out of obligation alone.

Write this board whenever you need to. Reach out for support whenever you can. I just want you to realize there are those of us who had a memorable childhood...and because of that, there are people out there that are waiting to "show us what life is really like". That is what my ex-husband told me...right before he attempted to break my neck. Please do not discount any of what I have shared...because it is ALL TRUE.

If you don't want outside help, that means you have to reach far down in your soul to find something that will give you some measure of peace. You will need something to help you keep going. I applaud you, both of you, for what you have done thus far.

It helps soulsearcher to hear pothers less than perfect backgrounds when one has had one. People with really happy lives have no idea, and they are lucky...Thank you for tell ing us of your horrors.

Yes, I am from the other side of the fence. My childhood was great and I have been blessed to move into adulthood with support family members, a loving husband and wonderful kids.
Now that I am an adult, it is time for me to have responsibilities that frankly on some days suck. I remember watching a Dr. Phil show in which he mentioned that as teenagers somewhere along the way, we were not too great to be around on some days.
I really do love hearing the thoughts of others since it has helped me feel more human.

Thanks Jsomebody. I realized that after I talked about my childhood and how wonderful it was...it did give the impression that my entire life has been a happy one.

I knew I had to straighten it out, by telling about the horrors of my "adult life".

I'm still hurting from the things that happened during my adult life, but every time I try to help someone else by sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly...I am also healing myself as well.

My ex-husband died when he was 46 years old. We made our peace before he died, and I am grateful for that.

Thanks for caring enough to send that wonderful note of encouragement.

It works both ways really, good parts of other peoples lives both entertains and annoys me, I am glad not everyone knows such misery, the world is complicated enough. It does help to know others understand all life is not like a beer commercial...

So true...and life is not a fantasy. A 17 year old does not understand that they may not have the life they have dreamed of. People also have high expectations of marriage...thinking only of the bliss...and that "happily ever after" may not apply to them.

We need to be more realistic, and we need to do this with our children too...instead of sheltering them so much that they really aren't prepared for the world when they have to enter it as adults...

I know, my friend is in a dead marriage and I know it was important to her to get married and have a family and she was 27 and worried about it, biology is a real taskmaster.... but she knew her choice of mate would leave a great deal to be desired and well he has...I asked her once what it was she had wanted from getting married, she said a spouse who she could talk to and make decisions with her and took part in the family..what she got is an overgrown child who spend money on his amusements before his own children's welfare..But she did have warnings. I guess life really is crap chute and the fact is many of us do not have hundreds of options you get what you get and you make do with it or make a whole new path for yourself if that won't work either...