My husband, 91 with ALZ, was finally admitted to the Veterans War home. They are practicing CDC guidelines very well. On October 12 our son and grandson made the four hour drive with Bill and myself. He was alert and awake the entire day. It was so cool to see him interacting with the three year old grandson. He did not know where we were going or why. After the three hour admitting process was complete we said goodbye and that was it. Bill didn’t understand what was happening, so eventually I told him I was going to get some ice cream and would see him soon. That satisfied him. He was in quarantine for two weeks. His move from the quarantine building to his forever building was very confusing for him. A nurse called me so I could reassure him. He was convinced that he would be on the streets by nightfall if I didn’t come right away. This was the first time I spoke to him. After I did my best to comfort him I called his hospice nurse and asked if she would go see him. Her report stated that he was adjusting well and even making new friends. My son and I are scheduled for an outdoor visit, separated by plexiglass and wearing mask, on Monday. We are not aloud to touch or give him anything. We wanted to bring ice cream of course, but we were told no.
I don’t think anyone that hasn’t lived as a caregiver can even imagine the relief of not constantly looking at a camera on your phone or being able to just go to the store or anywhere without planning in advance. I did the best I could for the past eleven and a half years and my hope is that he can be happy and well cared for in the end stages of his life. I feel very guilty that he is alone, but comforted that his nurses are qualified and caring. Our son is worried that his son will not have memories of his grandfather. If COVID restrictions go into next year children will still not be permitted at the nursing home. This may be his last Christmas and we have always had everyone over to celebrate; this year is going to be sad, but hopefully I will be able to take him some familiar things.
When will the relief and guilt mesh together? When will it just be “normal” to go about my day without thinking, “it’s so strange to....”
Can anyone relate? I feel like I’m being selfish, but I also feel like I deserve this freedom.
First of all most of most of us truly understand and are here to love and support each other. God bless you for taking care of him for 11 years. I truly understand and believe that most of us caregivers all reach a point to where it’s simply enough. I’m there right now. I think your decision was the best of both of you. My goal is to get my mom placed soon as I can’t take care of her anymore. Placing a loved one is nothing to feel guilty about, and you now get to visit with him
and ENJOY that time instead of being so worn out. God bless you and your family and keep you in the palm of His hand.
When my dad died, I immediately felt guilty for not visiting him more often in the assisted living facility, but at the same time, I was glad to not have to go there any more. When we did go, my dad would just watch old westerns and we would have to sit there and do nothing but watch with him. Also, I felt guilty for not taking him to my house or out places, but in his situation, it would have been impossible. So, yes, we all have those feelings, and you are not being selfish.
I am glad you recognize you have a right to freedom and a life.
What you describe as "guilt" I call another G word, which is grief. You are grieving. You are not a felon who has done evil with malice aforethought and delight in the pain you cause. You are a human being who cannot fix everything, cannot make everything perfect. You aren't a Saint. I like to say sainthood is a pretty bad job description overall because we load them up full of shot arrows, kill them, then make them listen to us for eternity in the hope they will fix everything for us. You are a human being who has limitations, who can't fix everything, and who is now grieving THAT fact, as long as grieving what has had to come.
As to the young and the "memories " they want to make. Bless their hearts, but they haven't yet a clue about life. It's OK. It is where it should be in the passages. They are full of idealism, and the belief that everything has a fix.
I sometimes think we stay in guilt in order not to have to move to grief just because we need a "reason" and need a thought that "it might have been fixed". It is so hard to come to the finality of hopelessness and loss. But eventually we have to make that journey.
I think the relief and guilt will mesh when you finally accept the fact that you placed him to get the best care and eventually accept his inevitable death. They will mesh when your days return to a more normal life. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen overnite. Return to normal can be a long and tedious process.
I'm so pleased that he is in a careing facility and that you are finally allowed to see him if only thru the glass. For his grandsons to better remember him, create and album of pictures for them or maybe write what you recall of his biography. They could even be Christmas presents.
It's so hard and emotionally draining but be assured you are doing the right thing and the days will get better. And remember, although you will someday be separated, love never dies.
You may want to read the book "Getting to the Other Side of Grief- Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse".
I know this feeling so well. Your post brought it right back to my heart. I had to place my dad in an assisted living. It was not easy. Covid made things even more difficult. He was so strong to go, but I remember looking back it him before leaving. He looked like a frightened little boy on the first day of kindergarten. I felt so many different feelings, but one was relief. I knew he would be as safe as possible. I also mislabeled the “g” word as AlvaDeer mentioned. I was experiencing grief...but thought it was guilt. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
My first grandson, born with a disability, was named with my mom’s surname. I now am caring for Mom’s youngest sister. My grandson’s visits to her AL, BEFORE Covid, were moments of joy for everyone, empathy for those on walkers and in wheelchairs, giggles at what he’d say......and for my LO, ALWAYS the brightening, the attention to her great grand nephew,.......and then COVID.
You and I have the comfort and peace of knowing that our Dear Ones are being cared for in the way we cared for them before their need for safety and peace allowed us to learn that their 24/7 care would be better placed in professional hands. We didn’t want this to happen, but we knew that it would be a choice we might have to make.
I cherish the 5 visits, outside, socially distanced, masked, that we had before it got too cold to have her brought outside. I told her we love her and miss our visits and that Wilson misses her and loves school and sends his love.
Please put your guilt underneath the love and concern you feel for your husband and don’t let it slip out from under that love. “Guilt” has nothing to offer you or your LO, but with time you will find that the love you (and he) have for one another continues.
Celebrate his presence in your grandchild’s life whether they are ever together again in this world or not. Teach him in little ways that there was a fine man who knew and loved him.
You are feeling emotions that are shared by all of us who have loved and cared for. Be at peace that you have done well.
Maybe the question is when will guilt go away, and I think the answer is when you allow yourself to realize that what you did was exactly what he would have wanted and told you to do, if he was able to.
No one that loves you wants to see you suffering, as simple as that. He would not have wanted for you the non-life you were living.
Really think about that. If you were the one ill, what would you have wanted for your husband? Exactly the same answer he would have given you.
May God bless you, protect you and heal your guilt with light and love.
Your DH is stricken down with a terrible affliction of the brain which has destroyed your life and his life, for the most part, let's face it. Watching a loved one wither away from the ravages of dementia/ALZ is devastating. For BOTH the caregiver/loved one and the one afflicted. It robs him of who he once was and it robs you of being all you can be because you're worried and frightened and on guard 24/7.
You did the right thing by placing him. Was it easy? Of course not. Will he adjust? Yes, totally. With YOU, he will be miserable and complaining b/c you are his sounding board. With his carers and other residents, he's likely to be fine, making friends and adjusting daily.
Now is the time for you to create your new normal. Your new schedule, your new way of doing things without looking over your shoulder or getting a knot in your stomach worrying. Allow yourself the time to mourn the loss, and this IS a loss worthy of mourning. To not grieve this situation would not be normal. But don't focus on it from a 'guilt' perspective as if you've done something 'wrong'. You haven't. You've done what's right for HIM, mainly, and then for you, secondly.
Be gentle with yourself as you adjust to the changes in your life, dear one. All the best.
It might also help to focus on the positives and realize that the negatives are fear and worry whispering in your ear. 94% of whatever we fear does not usually come to pass.
My brother and I get a 30 minute restricted visit each week so we can at least see her. We joke that it was fortunate to schedule it near dinner time because she rarely lasts the entire time before she gets anxious that she will miss the meal!
She has a different reality now that doesn’t include her family anymore but she is eating well, socializing, and participating in activities and that is all we can ask for. We had her for 93 years so I don’t spend time regretting what she will not be participating in going forward. We are all moving forward with our lives, just as she did.
As to your son regretting that his son won’t have memories of his grandfather. My mother’s dad died before I was born. His children told us stories about him and their childhoods, plus we had lots of pictures so although we never met him we all have fond memories of him.
Guilt is a part of care taking, whether it is at home or at a facility. I have come to realize that. I feel guilty with her at home all the time. I find it harder and harder to be the full time care taker. I know my mother can't help being who she is - it is not her but the disease, but after taking care of her for years, I am worn out and not the person that I want to be. I can't always be kind, I can't always let her life dictate mine.
Please forgive yourself. You have done what you can do, and the choice is the best choice that you could make.
Also, sorry to hear that he wasn't able to remain home with Hospice Care.
Prayers for him
Taking care of a total invalid is very hard and it is stressful. It was harder on me when she did die. The older you get, the more your loved ones die. LIfe is very cruel.
There were many days after my Husband died when I thought..I have to get home, the caregiver has to leave by 3. Only to remember that there was no caregiver.
It was a long time before I could sleep through the night without waking up thinking I had a brief to change, or I had to re-position him.
Yes the holidays will be difficult. They will be different. But this year everyone's holidays will be "different".
Enjoy the holidays as best as you can. Talk about your husband. Make him still a part of your day. This year though you won't have to worry about what is going to happen. Will he want to go home, will he want others to leave, will he aspirate the mashed potatoes, will he be overly tired, will he get angry that there are a lot of people around, if you are traveling to someone house will you be able to change his clothes if his brief leaks, will you have brought enough briefs with you All the things that caregivers worry about.
For several years now I have Volunteered with a group of Veterans and we put up flags. During the display we take turns standing watch while the display is up. During that time, every hour we will read some of the names of the men and women that have been killed that are from our state by the time we take down the display all the names have been read at least 1 time. When asked why we do that this is what we say:
A soldier dies twice, once when he takes his last breath; and he dies again when he is forgotten.
Your husband will not be forgotten.
Talk about him.
Tell the grandkids what he loved to do.
Tell your grandson that he has Grandpa's nose, or smile.
Tell everyone the funny story about ---------------
Tell everyone where you met and how you met, where you went on your first date and how nervous you were.
If you keep your husband around in the stories you tell, the things you do then others will feel comfortable talking about him as well. Tell your son that his son WILL know Grandpa because you will keep him with you in your hearts, minds and in spirit.
This will also help when your husband does die. So many people are afraid to talk about a loved one that has died for fear that it will make you cry, make you sad like you are not already sad.
By the way if you can arrange it when you do visit ask the nurse or whoever is in charge where he is if they can bring him a bowl of ice cream when you visit, tell him it is from you. If you stop and get ice cream yourself you can eat it together. (I use any excuse to eat ice cream!)
You are not selfish.
You have done a lot of caregiving over the years.
Let him be cared for by others.
Caregiving is stressful and it is time to take care of yourself now.
With Veteran's Day looming...Thank him for his Service, thank you for your service to him. (and if you are also a Veteran, thank you for your Service as well)
The pandemic is hard for all residents in long-term care communities but it is particularly hard for residents with dementia. They are unable to process a pandemic and don't understand why their families are not coming to see them. Many of my clients who have dementia in long-term care communities are feeling like their families have abandon them because they can't process the current visitation restrictions.
Continue to talk to him on the phone. Many communities are doing FaceTime and video conferencing so residents and families can connect. Great idea for most but again some residents with dementia cannot process a two dimensional video call they need to see a three dimensional figure. This is a result of the progression of the dementia. Some of my clients have become fearful when they see their loved one on a video conference call. Sometimes the best option is the "window visit".
If you need help arranging a "window visit" reach out to your local Long-term Care Ombudsman Program, they could advocate for you and your loved one. There is not cost for their help.
I wish you the best, keep us updated on how things are going. Remember, you did NOT give your husband this terrible disease so don't carry the guilt of the disease.
Your grandson may not have as many memories of his grandfather as your son would like, but that is not going to ruin his life. GS can be as involved as the rest of you in making cards or gifts or videos: whatever the VW Home will allow. You have done a wonderful job in finding a safe and caring place for him.
Take a deep breath, exhale. Take care of yourself. It’s been a busy life for you these last years. No need to rush around. You do not need to feel guilty that you are enjoying this more relaxed life, it is time for you.
All that I learned some 13 years ago when caregiver for Mom was my training, I say, for what I am going through now as my husbands caregiver. On step at a time.
Try not to question your feelings, focus on positive things, turn up the music, move forward and keep your families love in your heart.
Would you mind sharing a bit about how the Veterans War home admission went? Spouse is a vet, 78, and it would be good to hear a firsthand experience about how everything got accomplished. I often think of trying for this for Spouse and for myself, too. Couples are admitted in some places, I heard.
My husband passed February 2, 2020. He was not diagnosed until 2014 but was having major memory problems for at least four years before. He just wouldn't see a doctor. The last 2 he was incontinent. Really the last 6 or 8 were difficult. Two or three times I started to try and put him in a nursing home but then decide to put it off. His behavior was scary at times and you never knew when it would happen. On Christmas day 2019 I took him to the ER. He had pneumonia. They decided to admit him for 3 days and the plan was to send him to a nursing home. His behavior deteriorated so badly that no one would take him. Finally on January 1st, I took him home. His behavior continued to be worse and worse. Hospice was called in but nothing they did helped. On January 19, 2020, I had to call 911. I'll spare you all the details but it wasn't pretty. They took him to the hospital once again. He had to be restrained for a week. As he would not take his antibiotic the first hospital stay he still had pneumonia. At this point they decided nothing could be done and he seemed out of it. He totally stopped eating and the end came February 2, 2020.
We just do our best. Maybe I should have made the decision to place my husband in a nursing home sooner as you have because when it was apparent I couldn't care for him, no nursing home would take him.
I can barely stand to think about those last days. My husband did not know me, he didn't understand anything that was happening nor did I. I know that he wasn't living, Alzheimer's had taken everything from him. I know he's in a better place now and at peace.
You can only do so much. You aren't abandoning him but looking out for his best interest. Hopefully the pandemic situation will get better with vaccines coming soon and you will be able to visit. Meanwhile, I think you have made the right decision. God bless you and your family.
To keep family and the kids in some sort of contact, ask about bringing an ipad or other device where, with some assistance on his end, he could see you and the family and kids could have some interaction with him.
Bless you and the family as your day to day lives take this new phase. If you believe in God, ask for strength. Pat yourself on the back for what you've done in the past - it made a difference in his life.