My dad passed away 5 years ago leaving mom on her own. She is 82 and suffers from no major illness but does take medication for her heart, and has uses a walker to get around due to knee operations and a fall she had 2 years ago. Mentally she has no problems but due to her age we limit alot of her activities such as using the stove and climbing any stairs when we are not present. Meals are also prepared for her with her participating when it is simple. My brother had been living with them due to dad's illness and continued to do so after dad passed away. We live 4 hours apart and we had agreed when my dad passed that my mom come for visits at our home 2 times a year for approx 1 1/2 months in order to give my brother a break. I also would go up to visit often and spend up to a week taking care of her doctor appointments and any other issues that needed to be taken care of.
My brother does not work in the winter therefore he was not concerned for that time period. It has now been 5 years and my brother is finding it harder and harder to care for her for long periods of time. He has requested that we take her more often for longer periods of time. For instance she would spend 2 months with us and then back to my her home for approx. 3 months and then back at my home for approx 2 months and so on. So it would be like sharing her so that both can have a break from the care. One of the issues is that my home is a small cottage so therefore there are stairs to go to the bedrooms where her home is a bungalow therefore much easier to care for and much easier if one has to go out to run errands and not have to worry about her using the stairs to go take a nap or go to bed. Therefore when she is at my home I worry so much that I spend the time scheduling everything around those times. For instance I will not leave the house till she is downstairs and had breakfast and ready for the day. I make sure I am home when she goes up for her nap or when it is time for her to go to bed. Being that it is a small cottage it means we are basically all together for most of the day....privacy is non existent. This puts alot of stress on my relationship with my husband as he feels we cannot do anything spontaneous and he feels when my mother is here he basically looses his wife and feels we have no privacy due to our home being small.
As time goes on me and my brother have realized that in a couple of years she will need much more care as with time and age she will demand more care and at that time we will make other decisions such as a home for elderly. She is ageing and new medical issues have started to appear. I have no issues with this arrangement my brother has proposed. My mother has always been there for me. She has always helped me at times when I needed her. Such as spending time away from her home and dad when I had several operations or for any other reason I may have needed her. She was always here for me at a moments notice. The problem is basically my husband who resents having my mother here for longer period of time than one month at a time. He feels two months at a time to long and is only ok with her visiting 2-3 times a year no longer than one month at a time. I feel torn and am resenting his lack of support. I have tried explaining that she is not yet ready to be in a home and when that time comes we will deal with it. For now I want to do this with all my heart. I cannot imagine placing my mom in a home at this time. This is causing alot of stress between me and my husband. I love him very much but I feel like he is asking me to choose between my mom and him. I find this selfish on his part and find that his lack of support a slap in the face.
My mom is not here 365 days a year why would he be so opposed with helping me and my brother care for my mom. She is not just my brothers responsibility but also mine. I am so stressed by this that I find myself crying daily. I never would of expected him to react in this manner. Am I wrong for feeling this way? We have been together for 21 years. Can our solid years together not be able to support this arrangement for a few years to come? I find myself not feeling I am becoming distant from him because I cannot understand why he would not want to support me with this. I find myseld asking "Who is this person" In tears while I am writing this and any suggestions would be appreciated . I apologize if I am rambling away but it feels so good to have gotten this off my chest. Thank you for any suggestions or insight to this issue.
Since you say caring for your mom in your house makes you very anxious, I'd question why that is. Is she really in need of that much care? What if you had a professional do an assessment, getting input from your mom, your brother and anyone else, like her doctor. Depending on the results, consider the options.
Have you actually visited places to see what is available? Whenever I hear someone call it a "home," it makes me wonder, because that sounds like the way people described nursing homes many years ago when the senior was sick and disabled. Today there are retirement communities, Independent Living, Assisted Living and they are designed for the new and even active seniors.
Would your mother enjoy being able to visit daily with people her own age, attend social events right on the premises, have the autonomy to pick out her own meals, entertainment and friends? It sounds like it might offer her more than living with your brother and you in a house that does not accommodate her needs. If she is mentally capable, I would encourage all measures for her to be as independent and functioning as possible.
I wish you all the best.
We also need to realize that many grown children are senior citizens themselves with their own age related decline. Like who is going to pick me up when "I" fall? Surely not my aging parents who were in their 90's. Last year I did fall that resulted in a serious injury.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
My 100 year old neighbor who uses a walker has someone come to take her out almost every day. She goes to a senior center, she used Dial-a-Ride to go to the mall. Since you say she is not mentally handicapped, what is going on? Her age should not be a factor. I still volunteer with the Sheriff's Department and I work part time for the Forest Service in the summer.
By moving her back and forth she never has her own home, her own space. I would hate to move back and forth between my kids.
Maybe she needs physical therapy to help her be more mobile. My 63 year old niece has had both knees and a hip replacement and she still works. I wonder if you are seeing your mom with clear eyes. I don't understand why a mentally healthy, and except for knees, a physically healthy person needs so much help. Perhaps you can explain and help me out. I suggest you get her physically evaluated, see if therapy will help her get more mobile. To me you sound sort of hysterical, again quoting you; "Therefore when she is at my home I worry so much that I spend the time scheduling everything around those times".
If for no other reason than the stairs, it doesn't sound like your home is the place for her to be.
What does she say about this? I would be very angry if my kids started telling me where I am going to live,. I would be moving back an forth with no home of my own. Assisted living sounds like a great place for her. My ex is in one and he loves having his own space, if they cook something he doesn't like, he can get something else, last night it was a PB sandwich, (giggle).
My dad has had a rough year. He has had a prostate issue for a long time now and it reared its ugly head. It took a month to find a surgeon. This new doc called for him the same day which meant a three hour trip one way. Hubby was no reschedule. Well that would have meant two weeks out. He had already had the catheter for a month. I was worried about infections and told him I was going to take him by myself because hubby had medical issues as well and long drives are not easy for him.
Hubby reluctantly did go to help.
Well they took so long with getting him scheduled for the surgery, he did end up with an infection and we thought we were going to lose him. So a few times, I had to leave family/hubby to be with father. I just could not sit at home waiting on a telephone call. Spouse also made some of these visits.
In my eyes, I have not neglected anyone. However, at times I hear, “I am putting others first.”
Hopefully you know enough now about all the possible outcomes.
Your decision will not be an easy one and I wish you well.
Later on, my father's mother came to stay (she had alzheimers) and then my father's father. Families are meant to care for their elders as well as their children. What you and your brother need are in home caregivers. And maybe a daytime senior center where your mother could spend some the day so you and your spouse have personal time together.
This is the woman who has shown YOU unconditional love no matter what.
This is the woman who dropped everything to run to be by your side whenever you needed her.
I am sorry but I could never not take my Mom in, if she ever needed that type of help, love, and support from me, and I would never ever place her in a nursing home.
Marriage means compassion, compromise, understanding, love, caring, respect, honesty, and acceptance, and it also means caring for our Parents in their most vulnerable time of need.
I could not live with myself if I ever made my elderly Parent feel like a burden, or feel unwanted and unloved.
I could never chose between my Mother and my Husband, as that is grossly unfair and truth be known if I had no other option or alternative if push came to shove, my Mother who sacrificed her life and needs had me and never abandoned me when I needed her most, so I would never ever make her feel she is not loved, or not wanted.
I would rather be dead than ever do that to my Mother, and if I had to chose my Mother would win, especially when she reaches an elderly state and needs me the most, and any husband with basic common sense would never place his wife in this type of position........because if it was his Mother, he would expect you to respect his Mom, and taught him right from wrong.
She gave birth to him and raised him to be kind, caring, compassionate, loving and understanding in all situations, and not only in this one.
Your Mom is old now and who knows how much time she really has left, treasure her, take photo's make video's, spend time with her, talk to her, write down any questions you need answers too, ask about your family history, do it all now because one day my dear you will have bitter grief and tears when God calls her home, and she is no longer there for you to even say Hi Mom I love you. How are you today?.
That bitter day came for my beloved elderly Mom 5 years ago when she died and I never got the chance to say I love you, Go to God and soon we will be together In heaven reunited again, and Mom thanks for everything, and you are and always have been the best Mom to me and for that I will always be grateful.I never said these words because my elderly ill Mom died suddenly, but before she died I took her into my place which is a 2 room apartment with no bedroom, just a 1 room studio and a kichenette.
Talk about absolutely no privacy, but we endured because we loved my Mom and her safety and knowledge what she was loved and wanted, and not a burden, was what we wanted her to always know.
My husband and I cared for her when she became multiply disabled, blind from diabetes and paralyzed in a hospital bed, but we loved her so and my husband adored her. She was the best Mother In Law he could have ever asked for and the best Mom, so at least our conscience is clear that we did everything in our power to make her remaining time on Earth, a more safe, and comfortable one, and she never felt alone and frightened amongst strangers.
You as her daughter have to live with yourself and you know what is right in this situation so YOU MUST MAKE THAT DECISION.
"this is your mother and she deserves the best of your care and support at this twilight time in her elderly years so love her now, show her you want her to spend time with you, and let her spend as much time in your home as is needed to work out that schedule with your brother.........that is the very least you can do for your mom, after all she has done for you, your husband, and everyone else.
" god bless your mom , and may god also watch over her every foot step, as she continues doing his work on earth and give you all the wisdom to accept what you cannot change, and the knowledge to help your mom in every way so when she does pass on she feels loved and not feeling like she was a burden to you and your husband!!
Having said that, a loving husband does not want his wife to hurt, and does not ask his wife choose between himself and other primary relationships. At the very least, he could be holding your hand through this and helping you think through options. Have you, your brother, and husband all sat and talked about this together yet? It might help to sit together and come up with contingency plans in case your mom's needs increase.
This website is full of posts by people whose lives are falling apart because they are caring for a parent without support or help from a sibling. You are trying to do right by all involved, and sound like a generous, conscientious, and loving person. I admire you for being so understanding of your brother.
Lots of people are telling you to put your husband first, but I'm sorry, I disagree. Your husband is not a baby. Part of being a grown adult is recognizing that sometimes other people's needs come ahead of your own due to extenuating circumstances. Old age and sickness are part of life, and when someone is very aged and infirm they just cannot do for themselves, the same way a child cannot. Your husband married into your family, just as you married into his. I hope he can see that the same qualities that made you a fantastic stepmom and daughter-in-law are the same that make you want to care for your own mom.
You are stressing that your brother is tired, which means at one point, he may not accept mom back.
I don’t know you two personally. But from reading your post, I know there is a workable solution for all that will not require loving mom doing more time in your home.
It sounds like you have a good marriage, protect it.
Best wishes
Going out on a limb here...I think he's concerned that the visits will evolve into long stretches of time, as she needs more care and your brother becomes more burned out. Many caregivers find that you take a step and another, and one day, you wonder how you got where you are. I think you're looking at things as they are now, and he's looking at what it could evolve into.
What if he said yes to make you happy, but in two months he blew up because he couldn't stand it any more? This is a time when he is telling you something you don't want to hear, but he is really "treating you right" by being honest about it.
I hear how committed you are to taking care of your mother. Can you consider any other situation that would allow you to care for her without destroying your marriage?
Could she get an apartment or AL in your town, so you could see her every day? Could you use her money to build a first floor "master suite" where there would be no stairs to worry about and less intrusion into your family life? What would your husband think about you spending a month at her home? Try to be open to other possibilities that are acceptable to you and your husband.
Or you could just divorce him. I'm OK with that. Just don't think for a minute that you can get him to see that "it's only fair" that he should go along with this. As we all have to learn, what's fair and what happens, what exists, are often far apart. God bless you. It's a really tough one.