Am I doing the right thing for my uncle?
Am I going crazy???!! Am I wrong???? I'm so new to all of this. My uncle (lives in Las Vegas) Has been to a neurologist (I took him to this appointment, I live in California) he has a tentative dx of dementia/Alzheimer's.
My younger brother lives in Vegas but has never gotten along with my uncle (my uncle doesn't trust my brother) so before I left Las Vegas (2 weeks ago) I asked him to please get uncle to his EEG (done, with a big fight with my uncle) MRI (not done) and a appointment with a neuropsychologist (scheduled)
Since my brother had to fight and argue with my uncle to get him to his EEG he doesn't want to do anything else for him. But if there was money involved I'm sure he would.
I'm closest to my uncle and my aunt told me years ago that if anything happened to her to promise that I would take care of my uncle because I'm the only one in the family that my uncle would listen to. I'm like the daughter they didn't have. They wanted to adopt me and they named me, we were/are very close.
All I asked my brother was to TRY. I've also been in contact with home health agencies but I know my uncle will not open the door to let them come into his house to do an assessment (this is the paranoia) There is a elderly woman who lives there who has her own medical problems, my uncle and this woman were together in high school (64 years ago) My uncle had been married to my aunt for 62yrs until she died 2 yrs ago, then 6 months later this other woman moves in. This is another long story. This 82yr woman is jealous of me. She can't make my uncle do anything either. The last time I went to Vegas (I have keys and my own room at my uncles house) there was rotten food in the refrigerator!! She nags at him and then he gets verbally abusive/agitated towards her. I've seen this.
My uncle refuses to take his meds, is non compliant with appointments so getting home health would be a big help plus take the problem of my uncle away from my brother.
My uncle is also a retired Col in the Air Force so I called the veterans administration and had a woman call me back and say she would go to my uncles house too see if there is some kind of long term care through his Tricare insurance to pay for home health, if not I would be paying for this until I can get POA (with the help of an Elderly attorney) and possibly conservativeship for my uncle.
So my brother wants to do nothing at this point and thinks my uncle can make his own decisions and he was done "fighting" him and I should stop trying to "ambush" (yes this was his exact word) him into doing things he doesn't want to do.
1st off my brother read the same report I did, he's noticed my uncle is confused. So the "expert, the neuro is wrong? I'm "ambushing" my uncle by trying to get him help? So we just wait for something to happen so social services then takes over? My uncle has money and a big house, assets.
No one can make him do anything he doesn't want to do, I get that, but he has crashed into objects with his car, (Dr contacted DMV uncle has to take the actual driving test) he's confused, angry, paranoid. I've been reading about dementia/Alzheimer's and this is all a part of it. He's sick, he can't make decisions! I told my brother to read up on dementia/Alzheimer's.
I guess my aunt already knew I'd be taking care of my uncle alone.
Thanks for reading this, I just feel so alone tonight, I'm starting to question myself, am I doing the right thing by my uncle?
Nicole
I don't think you can get a DPOA even with doctor's and lawyer's help, if Uncle decides not to grant it. You will need a conservatorship, and it sounds like you are already planning on that. The lawyer can explain the entire process and guide you through it.
Would it be helpful to have your uncle living in a care center closer to you? Talk to the lawyer about that, too.
Nicole, by overseeing your uncle's care you are honoring your aunt's wishes. Be proud of yourself!
I've decided that I've worried my self to the point of not having an appetite (I've lost 13 lbs in 3 weeks) barely sleeping (I've taken a sleeping pill for years)
I'm done trying to get support from my brother/cousin. Don't need it don't care. My aunt asked me many years before she died to take care of my uncle, so that's what I'm going to do. She obviously didn't ask anyone else but me, so I'm thinking she knew I would step up/be strong enough and do this. No one (including cousin/brother) want to step up and do this so I will. I've asked them both in front of each other so there will be no misunderstanding later.
My uncle had a brief moment of clarity while at the Neurologist appt and said to me "I love you and thank you for doing this" there is my answer.
I don't care anymore that no one can understand/accept that my uncle is slowly losing the ability to make medical/financial decisions. I need to do this for him. My "goal" is to keep him safe and at home as long as he's able to.
At this point I will work with his Dr's to create a care plan. I'm not at this time going to live with him (he has his "woman friend" there now and she's absolutely NO help in taking care of him) Due to my own chronic pain issues (I had to medically retire from my job) I can not physically take care of my uncle. So I'll be taking the steps to get POA (with his Dr's/attorneys help) I'm going to find out if my uncle can get help through the VA to pay for home health, I'm betting my uncle won't let them in the door (unfortunately there is no "talking to him about this as he's stubborn) All can do is try. I will make his app for MRI, and let the office call him to remind him of this appointment, same with his appointment for the Neuropsychologist. If he's non compliant I will then talk with his Dr's about applying for conservatorship (I have already contacted my legal insurance through my retirement benefits, they will pay the cost for attorney to represent me in this) I will also start researching for assistant living places in Las Vegas for him (after I get conservativeship so I can access his insurance to see what they'll pay for as he has money, house, assets) I already know Medicare won't pay anything until all of his money is gone, so if need be I'll get permission to sell his house (the woman friend will have to leave, kills 2 birds with one stone as she's a thrown in my side) his car and whatever else needs to be sold so my uncle can live in the best place available to him as he deserves this and can afford it. I will spend every last dollar to make sure he is comfortable and safe!
Thanks again, I actually feel so much better.
Nicole