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LN, was the attorney you consulted NELF certified?

If the gifting that Aunt did was small gifts for holidays and graduations, Medicaid is not going to care. They are looking big transfers in the thousands.

I'm surprised your dad didn't create a "special needs trust" for her which would have avoided this.

I would use some of her money to hire a highly qualified, NELF certified attorney.

If your aunt starts acting out to the detriment of your daughter, get her to the ER and do a "social admit".
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Was she gifting money to others? Or just spending her money unwisely?

We have a post here, Alva, who says that sometimes we get our "g" words confused. We think we feel guilt when we actually feel grief.

I'm sorry you feel sadness over this. We have posters whose relative are so much happier and better off after placement in a good facility; the fact that Aunt has money to private pay is a wondrous thing. You can generally get her into a much better facility.

If she is combative, please have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. It may be what's called Sundowning.
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LostNeice2022 May 2022
She gave some graduation checks, “fun” money to kids in the family and Christmas $ to family members consistently but not since 2020. We did see the psych and she is on 50mg of Seroquel for bed time. It is slowly leaking earlier and earlier. Thank you for the support!!
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Last night when I was crying in bed I sent myself a text message that said “When you wake up in the morning and everything feels a little less heavy do not let yourself back down. This is not OK. You are not OK. It is time.” I need accountability because I backpedal in guilt and stay miserable. She has developed some weird thing against my 14 y/o and snarkily ONLY will call her “the princess.” This is not ok.
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SnoopyLove May 2022
Damaged brain or not, you’ve got to get this woman out of your daughter’s home.

I’m sorry your father left you with this burden.
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Placing doesn’t equate with “failure”.

What you’re aunt may OR MAY NOT think is a product of isn’t coming from reality, but rather from perceptions distorted by the one or more problems already part of her damaged brain.

When caring for a damaged, troubled relative that no one else assumes responsibility for, YOU become the boss by default.

Would it disappoint you to find that she may be MUCH HAPPIER in a residential care setting? Don’t be too surprised if you learn that it’s the case.

YOU deserve a pleasant peaceful life and so do your husband and daughter. And in fact, so does your aunt.

Do some research, today. RIGHT NOW. See what you can find that’s nearby and can accept someone with her disabilities. Make a portfolio, if you have the time, and compare the choices available to her.

Do you have POA? Does anyone, if you don’t? DO NOT continue to use money that is not hers, to support her. It will only make for more difficulties for you.

PROTECT YOURSELF, and treat yourself WELL. Many others in your position would have REFUSED to take on her care as you did.

You gave it a shot, and it didn’t work out. NOT YOUR JOB, NOT YOUR BURDEN TO ASSUME, NOT YOUR FAULT that you have to change plans.
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LostNeice2022 May 2022
Thank you so much for your response. I know you are right. I do have power of attorney. When my dad was in the hospital she added me to her bank account so I could help her manage her funds. We spend her money on things that she needs, meds and her Medicare premium. Right now it is just a matter of getting the guts to place her and see. My sister had the audacity to have reservations when I’m 24/7 and it really sent me for a tailspin.
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Lostniece, Welcome!

Why don't you get her into Memory Care as a private pay patient and apply for Medicaid when that money runs out?

Are you working with an Eldercare attorney?
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LostNeice2022 May 2022
Hi! I do have POA etc we did with an attorney and he just advised no gifts. That is the plan. I am touring facilities and hoping for 5 years. If her money runs out before 5 years, Medicaid can look back before I was her caregiver and penalize her. I assume even try to send her back to me, which I can’t do. I was just expressing that I feel sad to place her. Thank you for your response.
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