Mom (80s) has lived in a 5-star SNF for 4 years and suffers from multiple chronic conditions, takes 10 meds daily, uses a walker but generally is not happy. She disengages from the other residents and refuses to participate in activities, shower, etc. The staff and facility are A#1 and have been a god-send! It is 15 minutes from where I live. However, Mom wants to move in with her niece, 2 other adults and numerous pets into a small 2-bedroom residence. This would be a 2-hour drive for me and I have medical and legal POA. Mom remembers when she was 15 years younger and she shared a residence with her niece. Mom also has cognitive decline with delusions, visions, etc. and is not rational, but according to her tests not bad enough to be in the dementia wing. Her niece is retired but in questionable health and travels for weeks at a time. She also has a laissez-faire style and would not enforce a med schedule or nutritious meals. I am worried that Mom would move in and things would not go well after the initial honeymoon period. Her niece does have some medical work experience but is not an LPN or RN. I do not believe that this is the best place for Mom and also I fear that her niece is really interested in her SS dollars. (She has a track record of lying, stealing and cheating others to gain material possessions and large sums of money.) I fear that Mom will move out of the SNF and then I will have a very difficult time getting her back in or at the very least locating another top-notch facility. Mom is a narc and very manipulative and is getting worse as she ages. There is no pleasing her and the relationship if affecting my health. Any suggestions out there?
Gena
Don’t give up her spot at this place.
Go with your gut. If your looking for confirmation that moving her is not a good decision, I will chime in with...don't do it. She is safe and cared for where she is. I would tell the facility that no one is to take her out of the building but you. I may even ban niece because she is trying to influence Mom. You are in control. No one should allow anything without running it by you.
Where I live banks , doctors , facility administrators etc , are making their own judgements whether they are going to listen to the patient or the POA.
Unfortunately , It’s an uphill battle for caregivers in my state .
Not all Durable POA documents say immediate in them . Many people have these drawn up ahead of time for when it’s needed down the road , ( like suddenly becoming unconscious ). That is what causes problems.
Where I live there are no longer Springing POA documents drawn up either , only Durable. I recently had my POA’s drawn up . They are durable but not immediate.
What Mom WANTS is not the priority here . We all want things or situations that we don’t get .
We need to learn that we should not feel we are obligated to ignore the consequences of aging and try to make someone happy and blow up our own lives . Take it from someone who learned this lesson the hard way .
She’s old , very often that means no longer happy in general, no matter what .
I had a narc , manipulative , unhappy mother too , who expected me to follow her orders and take her out of her assisted living facility.
I finally , at my wits end , told my mother ,
” Mom I did not make you old , I can’t fix old “.
Talk to the social worker at the snf for help intervening if this talk continues. Unsafe environment at niece's etc based on her medical needs.
Don't even entertain it as a possibility.
As you are a grown adult I trust your judgement to weigh a "5 star" facility against a "lying and cheating neice".
Stop trying to make your mother happy.
Google "Out of the FOG".
NO
Not a chance.
These are just 3 things that popped into my mind.
You can tell mom that due to her medical issues it is not a good idea.
You can tell mom that having more than 2 adults living in a 2 bedroom apartment is not allowed by the landlord.
You are POA and this move does not sound like it is in her best interest.
I would caution the Attorney that if mom comes in with her niece trying to make the niece POA that you need to know. That mom has some cognitive issues and that the niece may be trying to take advantage of her.
Your other and worst option is to let this all unfold, you tell mom that you are no longer going to act as POA and let this circus play out. **not advisable in the least!!**
Hopefully you are her PoA? If not, you may not be able to stop her from doing this. If you aren't her PoA I strongly suggest you get this in place before she cooks up a plan with this niece and makes her the PoA.
If somehow she pulls the trigger on this move, do not lift a finger to help her plan or move a stick of furniture. Be MIA.
You may need to pursue guardianship if your Mom is past the legal assessment for cognitive capacity. An alternative would be to download PoA forms and have it notarized at a bank or city hall.
I mean really....are you just messing with us here???
This is a no brainer and the fact that you would even consider such nonsense makes me wonder about you.
Your mom is where she needs to be, so leave well enough alone. Period, end of sentence.
I was going to suggest making a list of pros and cons... but it doesn't seem like there are any pros at all!
Is your financial poa in effect now? If not, enlist the snfs help in securing the documentation of sufficient decline so that your poa goes into effect.