My 80 year old father had mitral valve replacement surgery on 2/2/22. We were told he would be in the hospital about a week and would be fine. Two days later, he had a major stroke. The doctors told my brother and I and my father that the stroke was minor and he would make a full recovery. We have since been told by different doctors that the stroke was major, in a very bad spot in the brain and that my father would die soon. He is failing to thrive now and has a lot of end-of-life signs, so he doesnt have long. But because of the stroke, he doesn't understand that. He keeps saying, "When I get home, I'm going to ..." "We should all go camping more this summer." "Do you want me to take a look at your car?" I don't know how to handle this! Should I tell him he's never going to go home? I tried asking him in a subtle way what his relationship with God was but he didn't understand. Should I even bother telling him he's going to die soon? Or should I just let him go on believing he's going to go camping again?
He may not be willing to face it, he might be wanting to spare you, or maybe he's even resisting it, but he already knows his life is about to be cut short, so may I offer you a little something that may make it easier for both of you?
Share stories and relive memories with him. Allow him to remember the good days and the love he gave and received.
Acknowledge him for the man he is and the person you have become. Let him know the life lessons you learned from him made a difference.
Clean up the messes you made over the years. I was 50 when I admitted to my dad that I stole the coins out of his (very valuable) coin collection to buy candy when I was 8 years old. I had forgotten about it (or maybe I didn't) but he hung on to it for 42 years. His response to me was, "Now I know you are a man."
Bring a tiny bit of joy into his life. The night before my dad passed, we stayed up late, drank scotch, watched Hannity, and argued politics. For him, that was a tiny preview of heaven.
Find out who he wants to talk to. Help him make phone calls, write letters, zoom, or whatever.
Muster up the courage to ask him how he wants to die. Let him know whatever happens he will die with dignity (or however he says.)
Seek out the humor in everything. Send him off laughing, not crying...
Maybe bring him a sleeping bag or a camping vest... he is going on a camping trip. Your job is to make him know there will be unlimited love when he gets to the campground and he made a huge difference and a giant contribution along his life-long journey to the campsite.
God bless Dad and his amazing child!
No doubt you’re going through a very difficult time with your father’s illness. Many of us in the forum know what it’s like to wrestle with these kind of decisions from our own past experience. My hope and prayer is that you will find answers and some comfort here in the advice offered.
Your father may not appear to know he’s dying on a conscious level, but his body and spirit do. It’s comforting to him to talk about home, future plans, and wanting to do something for his daughter. If I were in your shoes, I’d try to go along with it and rest assured in the knowledge that God knows your father’s heart and the kind of man he truly is. If your father experiences a time of clarity and wants to talk about his belief or asks for a clergy, be prepared to fulfill his wishes.
Not all doctors are correct in their predictions. Talking about it could make your dad feel depressed, scared or confused. Why would you want to risk that?
All of us will die. All of us are getting closer to dying with each passing moment. What good will talking about it accomplish?
Besides, yes he is going to die. But, you don't know when. It could be in days, months, or years from now.
I would draw the line at lying. If someone asks for a complete assessment they should be given just that with full details. Except in extraordinary situations where it is apparent they can accept this info only in small doses, or perhaps not at all.
For people often accept such info on their own timetable. Sometimes they never do, and sometimes it takes time (and sometimes more time than they have) and sometimes they make it clear they do not want to hear it.
There's a big difference between responding to requests for information and volunteering info that may not be wanted. Or perhaps it is but not quite yet, not all of it anyway.
The key to caring for a dying person is providing whatever (emotional and physical) comfort you are able to provide. Which can indeed be difficult when you're contemplating your own impending loss.
In any case, assuming you do care for the man you need not delay saying so, in terms/ways he can understand. Now, while he's still able to.
I look at death and life like this...
It's for enjoying every moment, not worrying about things you can't control.
If his memories of camping and the thought of possibly going again make him happy, let him be happy. Enjoy talking to him about camping and the fun times you've had. Dying is hard enough. You don't have to make it harder for him or you. Sing, laugh, share memories, view old pictures. That's such a better way than talking about death. We all waste so much time worrying about things instead of living. Living is sharing great moments with him, giving him peace on his own terms.
I would not phrase it in that exact way but ...
Dad needs to know the reality of his situation.
He needs to know the prognosis so that he can "get affairs in order" and make the plans that need to be made.
And the family needs to know what measures he wants taken : feeding tube, vent, CPR...if those decisions have to be made.