My mom passed away very recently. She was my dad's caretaker and spouse. They were married 47 years and she handled everything for them. Now he’s 75 in a big house all alone with his own health issues. He asked me to move back in with my son and I know it seems selfish but I love my independence. At the same time I don’t want to not be there for him. Life is too short in every way. I’m not married I’m a single parent so is he really asking that much? Idk just trying to think this out.
You know if she waited on him hand and foot, what he expected her to do for him, the house, etc. Are you prepared to step into that role? Because he will expect that.
I would encourage him to sell the house and move into a senior community that he can buy the services he needs and have others his age to do things with.
If you move into his home, you will lose your independence and he will resume the role as DAD. I wouldn't recommend subjecting yourself to being under the authority of your parent, it won't sit well.
I am sorry for your loss.
That said, it's always suggested to help a parent out in any way we possibly can. To abandon them is never recommended, at least not by me or any members of this forum. There are a ton of ways you can help your dad w/o moving in with him and subjecting yourself & your son to that lifestyle! What about Assisted Living for him? That would open up a whole new lifestyle for HIM that would help him socialize with other peers his own age, have meals served, entertainment available, etc. My father loved AL b/c he got to play cards with 'the men' without my mother nagging him for a few hours at a pop! Mom got to schmooze with the women about how irritating her husband was w/o being bugged by her husband for a few hours at a pop! It was a win-win situation for both of them, in reality. People paint a horrible picture of AL when in reality, it's like a hotel and day camp for seniors.
If that's not an option, you can arrange in home caregivers to come in and help dad with whatever he needs. You can arrange to stop by on X days for X hours and visit with him, without disrupting your peace and lifestyle for you and your son. You can even arrange grocery delivery for him or whatever else he needs w/o sacrificing your LIFE in the process.
Wishing you the best of luck finding a plan that works well for ALL concerned, not JUST dad.
Personally, I would not move in with him. I would not be his "plan" and be assumed into caregiving. Better to encourage him to downsize and relocate as close to you as possible. If he "has his own health issues" then I would strongly encourage a care community where he can easily move to different levels of care when (not "if") he eventually needs it.
I live next door to my 93-yr old Mom. It was awesome for her to be so close to her 3 grandsons. There are days when it is still not enough separation, as now her judgment is lapsing and she wanders over whenever she gets the notion and interrupts without "reading the room", among many other developing intrusions.
You are having a gut feeling about moving in with him, and I think you need to pay attention to it. He may be disappointed if you don't move in, but you need to read the stories on this forum of people who live with their aging parents and how it eventually drains the adult children. Your first priority is your son and you.
Evamar summed it up, "...not selfish, just realistic."
Would your father be open to some different living options? Like selling his big house that he doesn't need and maybe moving to a nice senior community. He wouldn't be alone and might like socializing with other people his own age.
If that isn't his thing, maybe he could rent out a couple of rooms at his place. It would mean extra money and his renters (if they're given a good deal) would help out with the upkeep of the place and provide some company for your father.
Would your father consider selling his house now and buying a duplex-style home (which he puts in your name because you're his heir? You and your son could live next door to him, but you'd still each have your own place. Just some options to consider.
I'm with everyone else on this board. It is not selfish to want to remain independent.
He could sell the house and move to an independent living facility. He will meet people his own age.
That happens ALL the time. The senior parent will expect their adult child to become a slave to them and they will stop doing anything for themselves or even trying.
My mother did this when I came back a few years ago. She was still independent and doing for herself, only she couldn't drive anymore. She expected that I would just become a slave to her. She was a hypochondriac all her life and has a history of untreated mental illness (refused to ever pursue treatment).
She learned the hard way. I do almost nothing for her because I refuse to.
People have to be careful when they consider moving back in with an aging parent.
Do not move in. When the time comes, by which I mean after a reasonable period of mourning, your father should sell the house that is now too big for him and move into a community that offers continuing care.
Do not allow him to transfer his dependence on your late mother to you. Not good for either of you, or for your son.
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