My husband (been married 4 years) moved his parents near us to help take care of them in July without fully discussing this with me. I live 1 1/2 away from my family. His father passed away recently & his mother has advanced dementia and is residing in the house alone. My husband feels likes she needs to be checked on daily which is true, probably more often. He has been doing this but has been highly stressed & irritable & is looking to hire an in-home caregiver 3 days a week for part of the day. He also asked me tonight if I can check on her the other 2 days if he has to go out of town for business. He also stated that he needed to get a caregiver so he can travel for his hobbies over the summer. I am recently retired (after 22 yrs) but still employed as well and will be 50. I had been looking forward to retirement & the flexibility my new job allows.
I know if I say that I do not want to “stick my head in” & check on her as he puts it every time he goes out of town I will have a massive fight on my hands. (when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me). I feel like if she needs daily supervision she needs 24/7 care or to be in a LTC facility for her own safety. She has been unable to cook for herself, cannot drive, does not recall basic info, sometimes does not lock doors, & recently flooded the kitchen. I feel extremely selfish saying I do not want to take this caregiver role on even for short durations. I also realize if I express this it may jeopardize our marriage. Am I being selfish & should I just suck it up & see how it goes or encourage him to get more care/LTC? does anyone have a similar experience & have any advice?
Thank you for any advice & guidance to help navigate this journey!
She needs her calvary now. Us.
Were you able to retire so young because of your marriage to him? If so, he probably feels you owe him. I personally would go back to work full time before I would commit to taking care of his mother. Caregiving is hard and you will be exhausted and resentful. Don't do it. Tell him as his wife, you will help him place her and help him sell her house. Tell him you are not asking him to choose between him and his mom, you are asking him to make wise safe decisions for her and you are willing to support him while he does that.
It's time to have hired Care Takers much more of the time, maybe 24/7, or placement in a facility.
You say / husband said : "when we discussed them moving here he stated if pushed he’d pick them over me.)".
THIS SAYS IT ALL.
* That he responded / feels this way about you and you talk about "I feel extremely selfish..." is a set up you are potentially allowing to happen to you (as) you are allowing yourself to be a doormat. HE'S SOMEWHAT transparent in his feelings and 'requirements' of how you need to be in his life (i.e., being there for his mother, at the least) - you've been warned.
* You know where you stand (in his life)
* He wants to prioritize his 'hobbies' (really???) over you / and his mother's needs. What does this tell you?
* IF you decide to agree, I'd make it perfectly clear: You will check in on her twice week when he's gone IF YOU CAN and if you have other plans (it will be up to him) at his expense, to arrange for another caregiver to come in. . . potentially interrupting his travel hobbies.
* Ask yourself: Do I want to get myself stuck into this arrangement ... and especially by agreeing with it?
Due to you indicating you "feel extremely selfish ... " I encourage you to RUN not WALK to the nearest therapist to sort out your own needs, self-esteem issues, etc. Four years is not a long time to be married; I would bet money on it that he has 'ruled the roost' with you in other situations, perhaps realizing (and perhaps not) that you 'cave in' due to low / fragile / under-developed self-esteem. If you do not feel worthy in yourself, another person will not respect you and feel it 'for you' - they will take advantage of it, seeing it as a weakness in you.
* At all costs: stand your ground; keep your job or free time - do whatever you want to do.
If you behave out of a fear of him leaving you, this is not a solid marriage to begin with. Do you realize this? It is a huge imbalance of personal power. Do not confuse romantic feelings of 'love' with what real love is, ie., respect, a real partnership without that 'I'd leave you" carrot on the stick he's waving in front of you.
Sure, advocate for MIL's well being. Do not put yourself in a position to take on ongoing responsibilities, esp since he said he'd choose her / his mother over you ... and he wants to enjoy his travel hobbies (I hate to think what I think those might be). From what I read, he doesn't respect nor love you. Hard to say and perhaps hard for you to read. Get into therapy and do not make any commitments to care for his mother until you do. YOU MUST learn to / how to take care of yourself.
As you say "jeopardize our marriage" - sounds to me that would be the best that could happen. Free yourself of this man. He doesn't love you. He is the selfish one (perhaps a narcissist personality type ? ) - and you are (potentially) allowing him to use / take advantage of you because of your fears (losing him ???) feeling guilty ??? whatever the case. This won't turn out good for you. You MUST stand up for your self - and enjoy your retirement.
Gena
Touch Matters
Saying he'd choose his parents over you does irreparable damage to a marriage regardless of how this turned out.
Oh, what a good neighbor you are! Her son needs to understand that abandonment is elder abuse and he might be at risk for jail time. It's really elder neglect and criminal. Tell him that you plan to remodel the house while he's in jail....................a marriage counselor may be needed at this point.
I have been caregiver for my Dad (97) and my Mom (90 with ALZ) for 5 years. I love them beyond measure but this has affected my business , my relationship with my siblings and my marriage all in a negative way.
This is not for the faint of heart and you have no history with this lady.
It will take you down and your marriage to boot.