Mother is 100.9 years old and lives in a nursing home. She broke her hip, had surgery and went into the nursing home at age 98.2. She now eats very little and has mild dementia. It was suggested that if I enroll her in Hospice, she would qualify for more services to improve the quality of her life even though death is not imminent, so I did so.
My older sister has had an extremely contentious relationship w/Mother and the rest of the family for many years. She does not communicate with any family members including son and granddaughter. She was told when Mother went into nursing home almost three years ago and since then has been to visit approximately 3 times. Cards on birthdays and holidays are sporadic and mostly non-existent. She has not reached out to me, her younger and only sibling, to inquire about Mother's health until a few weeks ago. At that time it was a text "so, how's Ma". I told her if she really wanted to know, she should come visit, which she did. Apparently, when she was there, she noticed on Mother's calendar when the Hospice nurse signed in. After the visit I rec'd a text asking about it. I confirmed, that yes I had done that.
Now I have rec'd several text messages from her irate because I did not let her know and telling me I have no right to judge her interest in our Mother's care or well-being. Well, I am not judging. In my life experience when someone is interested in anything, they make time to visit, call, inquire, etc. which is NOT what has happened in this case. She didn't contact Mother by phone or visit when she was well and it's the same now.
If Mother had a diagnosis of imminent death, she would be contacted; just as she was when Mother broke her hip.
I guess I am looking for any input that folks may have or experience with similar situations. I am now feeling guilty about this, which is of course just what she wants...
Your sister is upset for all sorts of complicated reasons, most of which will be quite beyond your ken. I should try as far as possible to let it wash over you. If you must respond, or even if you just think it would be rude or inflammatory not to respond, try to keep it neutral, something like: "I will be happy to keep you informed in future. How would you like me to do that?"
I don't think it was unreasonable of you to feel that if your sister had any questions your sister would ask. She was free to do so at any time, assuming that you hadn't previously rejected any enquiries or approaches - had you? If she's bouncing about now, it's because:
she misunderstands the concept of hospice as applied to your mother
she feels hurt that she was excluded (I know, whose fault's that? - but that's not the point)
she believes she ought to have been consulted
this nothing incident has opened all sorts of other old wounds
Whatever. It wasn't your responsibility to track her down when you had the decision to make; and you can't alter what has already taken place even if you felt so inclined.
So, to take away -
You haven't done anything wrong.
She is upset, see what you can do to help her feel better and avoid similar misunderstandings in future.
Your sister's issues, whatever they may be, are not your fault and not your problem; but acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her is still the right thing to do. You don't have to feel responsible for a problem to want to help put it right.
At 100 years old, death is always imminent. Hospice or no. One doesn’t need to be a nurse to know that.
Your sister has her own demons no doubt. Most of us do.
There is no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong.
Your sisters response is all on her. It’s about her feelings. Not yours. Enjoy your mom and perhaps you can simply ask your sister to keep in touch going forward. Then let it go.
They think they can square things with me by once in a blue moon saying thanks with empty, insincere gratitude to me for doing it all. Not buying it.
By the way, your answer to your sister when she finally inquired about your mom was absolutely brilliant! By telling her to come see for herself she gets to see firsthand how mom is, also firsthand how you have been the one caring for mom.
You have enough on your plate without dealing with your sister. Your primary concern has been your mom. It is your sister’s responsibility to keep up with your mom. Hate to say it but she brought this on herself because people like her are hard to get close to. They don’t want intimate relationships but are the first to complain if they are left out. Well, they can’t have it both ways. She should respect you if she wants respect in return.
You are doing a great great job and your mom is blessed to have a daughter like you.
It’s a tough, long winding road with lots of bumps. I hope it gets better for you soon. Take care, hugs!
I suspect that sister was perturbed when you told her that if she wanted to know her mother's condition that she could go and see for herself. In her mind, she saw that as you saying she didn't care about her mother. So, she got defensive and is trying to prove that she is interested now. Now, she sees she's on Hospice and the idea of death is making her scared. Fear makes people act irrationally sometimes.
I'm not sure if I would have worded it the way you did when you told her she could come visit if she wanted to know how mother was, because, I likely wouldn't have been invested enough to type out that many words to an uninvolved person. I'd probably just say, Ok. Hanging in there. You know....but, your comment wasn't terrible. It's how you felt. So, that's just something for her to work out in her own mind. I'd try to stay out of it. I try to let discord roll off my back and focus on positive things that i can control and not negative people who I can't.
Please do not feel guilty for one second.
Your sister is trying to pick a fight. Don’t engage.
You owe her no information. (You might even resent her for suggesting this).
If she was around, she would know what’s going on.
If she was decent to you (and your Mom), she would be next to you, helping with all the decision making / and then she would know very clearly what’s going on.
At the very least, even if she didn’t visit, but just used common sense, based on your mom’s numerical age alone, she could pretty easily guess what’s going on.
Since she is a registered nurse, she cannot claim ignorance or fear (of seeing your mom sick) as an excuse.
How would things be different if you had told her? They would not be different.
I did tell my sibs that Mom was on hospice. They did not even come to visit then. I couldn’t believe it.
Im so sorry your sister is behaving badly. I know you could use her support.
It’s hard for her to take accountability and easy for her to place blame.
At least she is living up to your expectations (and to her past performance).
I don’t mean to be insensitive to your suggestion that “death is not imminent,” but at 100 there are fewer days ahead than behind. Your sister has known this since your mother was in her 80’s. She’s understandably feeling guilty as time passes and she loses her opportunity for closure on their relationship, however strained. That’s natural. Whatever their situation, a maternal bond exists, as does your sister’s wish that their relationship had been better. But she can’t go back. And with the onset of dementia, their ability to connect may be gone as well.
Don’t let her guilt become yours. I have an absent sibling as well. I know that on some level, he is jealous of the closeness I have with my parents in my role as a caregiver. He almost regresses when he visits to the point of a spoiled brat. It’s obvious he’s struggling, but he’s not my responsibility. Our parents are.
You’ve done as best you can by your sister, especially given her lack of interest. Do yourself a favor and only communicate via email. That way, things can’t get misconstrued. And, it deprives her of a chance to manipulate you. If you give her the contact numbers, she can be responsible for how much information she gets. Make clear to caregivers that she is an “information Only - not decision-maker” family member, and be done with it.
We all have fewer days ahead than behind, as well. Make the most of them by only surrounding yourself with things and people that add joy to your life. Your sister needs to sort out her issues for herself.