Last September I needed to move my father into assisted living. His social security doesn't cover all the costs. My husband and I cover the rest of rent, personal expenses, insurance, etc. plus a huge expense to move him. My brother says he can't help out financially, but lives in a nice house, drive expensive car, etc. and now he is avoiding my calls, even though I have never pressured him to help. Just asked if he could give ANY support financially. Very sad that I have now lost a relationship with my brother and not sure how to salvage. Both Christmas and Fathers Day my brother told my dad he sent him a gift card, which my dad never got either. Think he is trying to give the appearance to my dad he is helping out, but he's not.
What I can't understand is the reaction of those who fly into a rage or take sulky umbrage the moment they're *asked.* They remind me of people who complain about being approached by charities and asked for donations, and feel terribly hard done by because they've been "made" to feel guilty. Well oh dearie me, boo-hoo! If you don't want to put your hand in your pocket to help refugee children or old donkeys or victims of torture, no one will force you; but being put to the trouble of saying no - or saying nothing, come to that - is scarcely a hardship.
A side of a person's personality that is repugnant, Donthaveit - quite so.
If your Dad was a Vet you need to contact the VA to determine if he is eligible for any benefits.
You need to look into applying for Medicaid and that may possibly necessitate another move when they locate a facility that accepts Medicaid. Or ask the administration where his is now if they accept Medicaid. Some will allow a resident to remain if they have private paid for a few years before Medicaid kicks in.
Depending on what the additional expenses are you may have to tell your Dad that he needs to cut back on some things. For example if one of the expenses is a Bus ride with the other residents to a Play this might be something that he could do 1 time a month but the weekly outings are a bit too expensive. Sort of like putting him on a "budget" . The less expensive trips would be alright but your Dad does need to know what the financial stress is doing to you. That is if he does not already know. And if he understands.
If you are in a position to think it is ONLY $1,000 per month, you should be grateful for your financial security. I don't know how you can judge anyone else's financial situation without being privy to the details.
You apparently had the kind of relationship with your father that makes you want to help him now. I don't think you can automatically assume that your brother did the same.
If you want a relationship with your brother, accept that he is not going to help. And if you want to write him off because he made a different decision, accept that he is not going to help. Then decide if you want to be swallowed by anger and resentment. Make that decision based on what is best for you, not on anyone else's needs.
I know you are trying to do all you can for your dad. It is hard to get siblings to help out with time or money. I struggled with this too. How? How do you get a sibling to care about what you have done for your dad? But also get them to contribute. I was so angry. Two of my three siblings did as much as they could, but in my mind, it just was never enough compared to my contributions.
I know its extremely hard to say "let it go." He clearly does not want to help if is ignoring your calls. It hurts. For myself, the moment my dad passed away the anger went out of me. I realized I couldn't get blood out of a stone. As much as I wanted things to be different, they weren't. No matter how angry or sad I was, they weren't going to change their point of view.
For myself, I sort of wished I talked to a counsellor or joined a support group for caregivers sooner. I needed to learn to manage my expectations. My siblings weren't going to change and neither was I. I just wish I didn't let the anger and resentment consume me in the end. I feel it affected my ability to care for my dad and myself.
You can't know what your brother's financial situation is unless you do his taxes, and even then....
Does he have children? A wife? This all becomes very complicated. We often talk here about how you CAN'T make siblings care, do caregiving or contribute. There are laws in place to force PARENTS to care for their children, because that is a legal responsibility that you take on when you have a child. But there is no legal obligation for a child to provide care for their parent; there are "filial responsibility" states, however, and you might want to see if you all live in one. Then, if brother is truly financially able, you might be able to get a judgement against him to provide monies for care.
However, that would destroy the relationship further.
I'm sure others will chime in here but I'd suggest you look into Medicaid if what you are saying "He only has SS". If his SS is too much to qualify, then seek the advice of an Elder Attorney for a "Miller Trust." This allows for him to qualify for Medicaid and when he passes, the trust goes to the State. This would take the burden off your relationship with your brother and you two can get back to what really matters - your family and relationship with your father before he passes. Hugs
If my brothers asked me to pitch in to cover mom's $12,000 per month private pay NH, I'd have to say no. I live in a nice coop and have a relatively new car, but I have a mortgage and am approaching retirement that I need to save for.
We're you brought up with the expectation that you would pay for your parents' old age care? I certainly wasn't