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I'll say that if your sibling is threatening to drop mom off on your doorstep then it would be best not to call their bluff because they'll do it. Your sibling is worn out and can't cope with being mom's caregiver anymore. Now it's time for you and the rest of your family to go visit the sibling caregiver and have a serious talk about what the next step is going to be for mom's care. More importantly LISTEN to what sibling caregiver tells you.
If no other family member is willing or able to take mom into their home and become her caregiver, she will have to get placement in a care facility. No one needs to do an ER dump just yet. That act is the last resort for a caregiver. It doesn't always have to come to that.
Arranging different care for mom or finding a care facility to accept her, will take some time. Plans have to be made, legal paperwork has to be done.
In the meantime dementia mom will still need a place to stay and someone to look after her 24 hours a day. If the family wants your caregiver sibling to continue doing this until the other care arrangements for mom come though, meet her demands (I say her because in a situation like yours the caregiver is almost always a her).
If your sibling demands money to keep mom at her house, then you pay it. Whatever amount she says within reason. Even if the whole family has to reach into their own pockets. Pay it.
If your sibling demands daily assistance with mom's care to allow her to continue staying in her house while other arrangements are made, then you and the rest of the family have to work that out and make sure it happens immediately.
Meet the caregiver sibling's demands or your dementia mom will be dropped off on your doorstep or in an ER.
Have a family meeting with your sibling.
Make other living/care arrangements for your mother together as a family.
Meet your siblings demands if she's willing to keep mom until the new living/care arrangements are put into place.
Good luck to you and your family.
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Maddogs66,
Cwillie is right about the threat coming from a burnt out caregiver.
If the threat is accompanied with a demand for money to help, you need to STOP and rethink this slowly.

If your Mom was placed in a skilled nursing facility from the emergency room, and if that was near you....would you be able to give any type of caregiving assistance to your Mom? Visiting, handle her income, do errands, deal with the doctors?

Note: He who has the resources of her income (social security?) and the ear of her doctor might be the most likely to become the caregiver. You may need to proceed on your Mom's behalf without any involvement by your sister?

Do not send money, imo.

Sounds like each sister has been long-distance from Mom. Unless a person is willing, resourceful, and able, (as well as many other qualifications), caregiving should not be your role. Is there estrangement between you and your Mom? Keeping in mind there will be a whole lot you don't know if she is living any where in another state.

Keep in mind that she can be admitted to a facility "pending Medicaid".

There is so much we do not know here, but willing to listen.....
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BurntCaregiver Jun 2021
Sendhelp,

Don't send money?

If the sibling who has mom not only living in her house, but also is her 24/7 caregiver demands money, pay it.
When the threat to drop the elder off on your doorstep or an ER is made, take that seriously. It means the current caregiver has reached their limit and they will do it. It also means that the senior is living in a situation that could become if it's not already, high risk for elder abuse.
If they have demands, then meet them until other living/care arrangements have been made for the elder.
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They should not be forced to continue be the caregiver but you should not be forced to start if you are not in it.

communication is key. Have a meeting and call social services to find alternatives to care
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Who does Mom live with? The Sibling?
If this is the case I would now get together with the sibling and discuss placing mom in care. It sounds as though the sibling has just reaching her human limitation. Do tell her that she can send Mom to the ER, and refuse to take her back into her home; this will involve social workers in assisting with placement.
Is this sibling, I am assuming is taking care of Mom, also the POA? She would be acting negligently if so to put her Mom on anyone's doorstep if she is not competent in her own care.
I think what I am hearing here is desperation and a caregiver who is unable to go on any longer. Is this correct?
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Sarah3 Jun 2021
The sister is overwhelmed this is the natural result of a sibling ( the op) not doing her part to help
Pls keep in mind that the op is not just ‘anyone’— shes her sibling so she’s equally one of the adult children and should be doing her part to help. Bringing the mom to her daughters is definitely not the same as leaving her with ‘anyone’
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You would call APS and the police. 911 if she actually went ahead and did that. You would call 911 immediately. To stop that from happening you need to get mom discharged to a nursing home or hospital, not to your sister. Sister should not take mom from assisted living. Contact APS, let them know you or your sister are unable to care for mom.
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Sarah3 Jun 2021
No no no- wrong. The op should have been helping all along. No sibling should have to do it all on their own unless they really want to and have the means/ ability to. Reading other posts here sounds like a common theme of the siblings who have wealth are the ones ironically who don’t help who act like a victim if asked to help and the replies here treating the op as if she’s some type of victim is just plain wrong. Her sister has been from the sounds of it doing all on her own and now is expecting other sibling to step up and contribute as well. She is certainly not a victim and there’s no crime to call 911. It’s her turn to help her mom now
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Who is the "WE" in this scenario?

Maddogs: "Jump to a year later and we are out of money."

There have been a few siblings in the past on the forum, that took a parent from care (Basically kidnapped them), and spent all of the parents money (not only for the parent's care=elder abuse and fraud). Is there a dispute between you and your sister now?

In the year dementia Mom was gone, were you in touch, contributing financially to your sister for Mom's care?

If "WE" includes you, did you receive any of Mom's assets or funds if they were dispersed by your sister? (Medicaid gifting issues).

The threats are verbal, or by e-mail? If you are free and clear of being complicit of fraud and elder abuse, then you could see an attorney, and threaten back:
1) Abandonment of an elder is elder abuse.
2) Depleting financial assets of an elder is also elder abuse.
3) Not caring for an elder in your custody is neglect/elder abuse.
4) You will call APS on your Mom's behalf and report your sister.

Otherwise, inform your elder care specialist attorney that your goal is to get Mom care, and work with your sister on that goal.

Hope this helps you, and that you do not take it wrong because it was blunt.
Not accusing you of any wrong doing.

What did you do when Mom was basically 'kidnapped'?

Maybe the expensive AL has Memory Care and accepts Medicaid? Start there.
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Vsvechin Jun 2021
Calling 911 on your parent is also older abuse, plus it is disgusting. My children also advised me to drive my mom with dementia to my brother and drop her at his door. Why ? Because no one person should be left with this task, siblings should offer some relieve, in any possible way, taking mom for several weeks, coming and helping in her place, money, etc..
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Your sister created this mess, she needs to find a solution, not dump the issue in your lap. Have you pointed that out to her?
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marymary2 Jun 2021
I'm wondering why so many here are blaming the sister. There are a lot of facts we don't know - is the sister single, sick, without a job or home or some other factor that could have affected her decision to move her mother? Just asking as I've been in the position of being blamed for my mother's housing (a luxury condo - that of course is cheaper than AL, which she doesn't need - that fit all she wanted to take with her the "downsizing" I alone and at great cost to myself helped her do). Not one of my siblings or their adult children helped me in any way. They are all very wealthy, healthy, married with multiple homes. I'm single, alone, renting a horrible apartment that is all I can afford and have health issues. Sometimes people are stuck and have to make decisions. The original poster's sister could be horrible, but she also could have been stuck to make a quick decision with no help from anyone. Wishing the poster and her family and all here a good outcome and hopeful compassion by those who may want to criticize my post.
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Yes, Sis needs to get Mom on Medicaid and should have done it way before Moms money ran out. In my State u apply 90days before Medicaid is needed. Best thing would have been was to place in LTC paying privately and applying for medicaid to start when the money ran out.
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Sarah3 Jun 2021
Im curious why some folks here are automatically placing all responsibility ( and blame) on the sister who has been from the sounds of it the only sibling who’s been involved w helping her mom. The op is also her child and should have been working alongside the sister in some form all along
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I have not and will begin that process. Thank you.
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Have you begun the Medicaid process in the state where your Mom resides now?

Your answer to this can guide advice given here. There are many on this forum with some great knowledge in that area.
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Yeah there is a long back story. I will try to summarize. My mom was in a assisted living place in Missouri and was complaining about it so my sister about a year ago drove up and took her out of that place and put her in a very expensive assisted living facility in Atlanta. Nobody knew this was going to occur.

Jump to a year later and we are out of money. My mom is probably going to be discharged and my sister is planning to drop her off at my doorstep. My mom is 92, legally blind, has dementia and basically needs 7x24 care. Right now long term memory case is what she needs. I live in WI and I also do not have the money nor means to care for her in home.

Just trying to figure out my options and what I can do ? Thanks again for the quick responses.
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JanEllen Jun 2021
If your mother is out of funds, she should be eligible for Medicaid--every facility, by law, must have Medicaid beds. If she needs 24/7 care, she needs a LTC or MC facility, not assisted living. See if you can speak to the social worker at her current facility to see what is available. From my understanding, facilities cannot just dump a patient on the sidewalk--someone would need to come get her, and you (or anyone else) should NOT do that until a care plan has been put into place. Check with your local department on aging for other options. God bless you and shame on your sister for not planning ahead!
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Who is caring for mom now?

What level of care does she need?

What are her health challenges aside from dementia?

If you all arectryingvto get her into a care facility, abandoning her at an ER is more effective than a siblings doorstep.

However, the sibling with the doorstep could call 911 and have parent taken to ER.
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Sarah3 Jun 2021
Could you explain why calling 911 would be a natural response to your sibling bringing your mom to your house? The op is her child too after all. I get the op doesn’t want her mom there but really? 911? It seems like 911 is the go to for some folks that don’t want to deal with any circumstance or something makes them uncomfortable- this isn’t what 911 is for.
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We usually see this threat from burnt out caregivers who can't cope any longer - is there a backstory?
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CoffeeCats Jun 2021
I would love to hear the backstory also. I am caretaker of my 98 year old mom and my sister, who is a multi-millionaire, has done nothing. She claims that I have it so easy, and has only sent $30.00 to help. I would love to have my sister walk in my shoes for a few days, I think she would change her tune.
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