So I am 34 and married with no children. My mom is 60 and divorced from my alcoholic, drug addicted father. I have 2 sisters, one lives 10 hours away, the other lives 17 hours away. I also have a brother who lives 5 hours away. I am the only one who lives in the same city as our mom. In fact I live 15 mins from her. She suffers from major depression with psychotic features, she has been diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. At least twice a year she is hospitalized for a week at a time due to her depression or times when she goes days without sleeping. She is also showing minor symptoms of dementia. She is very forgetful, many times calling me 2-3 times a day to tell me the same thing. Manytimes if I hold a conversation long enough with her, she will repeat the conversation while on the same call! My older sister has not been to visit my mom in 2 years, she is supposed to be visiting in 2 weeks. But she seems more entertained by my mothers behavior and changing personality rather than concerned about her decline in health. She frequently ignores moms calls and has even instructed me to do the same "if I expect to have a break from time to time". She doesn't even encourage her 16 year old daughter to write or call her Grandmother regularly. My younger sister moved out of the state last year and so we agreed to have my mom come to visit her back in March of this year. Mom was to stay for 10 days with her. It would have been a great break for me. Well after 2 days she called me to complain that "mom was flipping out" and she didn't know how to handle her. Eventually she sent mom back home to me only 4 days into her trip...so no break for me. My brother lived 14 hours away for about 8 years, he recently moved 5 hours away last year...but he has not made a trip here to see mom yet! He has his own vices and is too busy focused on trying to get custody of his own kids again.
I am tired! I am drained. My mom calls me multiple times every day. Sometimes just to talk. She does not call my siblings as often because they often times will not pick up their phones. I don't expect them to relocate back home but they could at least call her often, or write her or even better call me and ask me from time to time HOW I AM DOING!? Especially my younger sister who will go months at a time without even speaking to family. What am I to do? Plus my mom is super needy emotionally. Even though she has friends in her apartment building she demands my attention. The problem is I do so much for her as far as keeping in touch with her doctors, going to appointments, filling up her 30 day supply of medicine, etc that it leaves me with no energy to spend any social time with her. What should I do????
You clearly have quite a difficult situation on your hands and I hesitate to say this, but there is nothing you can do about the behavior of your siblings. You can only control what you do going forward. I take it your mom is able to live on her own, but needs your help with things like doctors and medications. You are going to have to change some things that you are currently doing in order to have a life. I would suggest that you limit the time you spend answering all the calls from your mother. You can talk to her, perhaps, once in the morning and once in the afternoon or evening and not answer your phone every time it rings. If possible, try to find some social activities for your mom to do without you. Is there a senior center close by where she could go a couple of times a week - meet new people and participate in activities? You need to set some boundaries for yourself it begins by being okay NOT taking every single call. You can certainly listen to the message to see if it's an emergency or not. Then decide to call back when you are prepared to talk. I would also purchase a large calendar and plan it out for every month with your mom. This is when you set the social time. Show your mother that there is a calendar and give her the comfort of knowing that she has a schedule.
Sixty is very young to start showing signs of dementia. I would definitely take her to the doctor and have her checked out. If she does have early onset dementia, then you have other issues to deal with.
Regarding your siblings: You can request their help and support, but you have to engage with them like it's a business meeting - leave the emotion out of the conversation. I would strongly recommend that you have a list of things that they can do to help your Mom, which would ultimately help you. There are many reasons why siblings choose not to help or support you, but I can't begin to figure out their "whys" here. What I can tell you is no amount of pleading, begging, crying or yelling at them is going to get you the desired result. Try engaging them in a business conversation. Tell them exactly how they can help. Then ask if they can do what you have requested. If the answer is no, then you have to let it go. I know it's frustrating and disappointing and can make you really angry, but you need to start using your energy to take better care of you. Start with setting some boundaries and making the decision that you will stick to them. Best of luck to you.
And yes I cried and begged for help from my two brothers. But it never came. They would love to inherit money. One thing I finally learned: they will never help. Their wives help to insure that they don't. NONE OF THEM UNDERSTAND MENTAL ILLNESS. And it is not conveinient for them to understand it, because then they would know they should help.
The thing I learned is that I was wasting my time being angry with their lack of assistance. They have to answer to God for being so selfish with their lives.
I get great joy knowing that I am helping my Mom. She has a quality life with my assitance. It is not your Mom's fault that she has a mental illness. And you will be glad that you helped her through her life.
I finally dropped it all on my siblings. Most of them do not live nearby, some live in the same city. I decided that my life was just as important as theirs and told them I was done doing this and had to put some limits on what was expected of me and how many hours a day I could dedicate to dealing with my mom's issues. I also needed to break my mothers over dependence on me as it was causing her to not bother with her post stroke rehab.
If you do this don't expect it to be easy. Maybe you could gradually set some boundaries? Get some caretaker help? The fact that your mom flipped out in the opinion of your sibling that isn't around them very often. Maybe your mom isn't as capable as you think she is and she is using you to get around that admission?
Maybe there is family history here that creates distance between the sibs and mom. Maybe your dad played a role when she was married to him. Regardless, at this point it is what it is.
I really loved the calendar idea that Cindy suggested. A large calendar that she can keep at her home, one you plan together. I also liked the suggestion about in home help that could visit with your mom and run errands for her.
I'm not sure how your mom's mental state is about being out of her home without you. Visiting you sis might be too much for her. And going out with an care giver might be scary too. But someone to run errands and watch a tv program with her or do some light housekeeping might occupy her time a little.
Do limit phone calls. It might be best to tell her that you will talk to her every morning, but then will be busy until the afternoon. Could you plan a get together with her neighbor friends every two weeks or so for cards or a pot luck lunch.
I'm just trying to think of activities she might enjoy and could look forward too without wearing you out.
My heart goes out to you. Try some of the suggestions and see if any work.
Hugs, Cattails
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