Siblings fighting over which memory care center for Mom. We are fortunate to find a few good MC centers but concerned over funds. Advice?

The person with POA is the one who gets to sign all the documents and manage the finances, possibly medical decisions too. While it's nice to try to include all the kids in the decisions, sometimes this is what you run into. Push comes to shove, the POA should make the call. Any who are supportive will back that up and tell the other(s) to butt out.

For the one worried about inheritance - unless that person smartens up and understands the assets are MOM's until she passes and need to be used to provide the best care she can get, then they should be told they won't be part of the decision process. The person should also be told that inheritance is NEVER guaranteed and shouldn't be one's life goal. It is sad people boil down to this.

Deciding on which MC facility should have nothing to do with the EC advocate or financial advisor. That "tiff" can be handled separately, if at all. POA happy with them, that's all that counts. If all others are on board with making a decision, then you all meet and choose one of the places. If allowed in now, do make at least one more walk through of each place, observing all, asking questions, etc.

A well managed trust fund can go a long way. When I realized it was dementia, we revisited the EC atty who did it all for mom when dad was not well. He queried her and was satisfied she still understood enough, so he set up a trust and a life-estate** for the condo. As her CDs matured, I closed them and finally (waiting for YB to sign paperwork) deposited all that into the trust. I tried bringing in aides (never got past 1hr/day, to check on her and get her used to it, so she could remain there longer.) We moved her to MC and it took me (very little help from bros) 2.75 years to get condo sale ready - that also went into her trust. Despite taking at least 4k/month to cover the balance of the facility and anything else she needed/wanted, it was like we never touched it! Six years after I took over finances and four years of MC later, there were still plenty of funds! We all got a share (there's a little more tidying up to do, but the bulk is done.) IF mom didn't have strokes and lived more years, I wouldn't care if there was nothing left. It WASN'T our money, period. I didn't even take anything for managing it all, juggling everything, for 6 years, just to be sure there would be enough.

Two of us were named POAs, but you'd never know it. One was never used for anything. All 3 of us were trustees of the trust, but again, you'd never know it! There was some coordination initially, but only a little and then they faded into the woodwork, leaving me to do it all. At least they weren't up my butt about anything.

** I would not recommend a life-estate unless you know the person can remain there to the end or close to the end. It is a great benefit to those who inherit it, as the cost basis is bumped up, less or no cap gains to pay. However, if the person has to move before that, it is a pain in the butt and was expensive at closing because we had to use the EC atty ($400 or more per hour!) Also, the way this is set up, the bulk of the proceeds go to the "remaindermen", aka us. If you have siblings who are all into it for the money, say bye bye to that! The IRS has tables and mom got a very small part of it. Thankfully we were all okay with putting it into the trust.

Greed is everywhere... Not everyone, but they are all out there! We just did the interment of mom's ashes. One cousin had been mostly raised by our aunt. She lost her mom and dad at age 9/10 and this aunt finished raising the kids. Cousin ALWAYS took care of the others in the family. The aunt's own kids and grandkids had disabilities (some manifested in adult life, early death.) My cousin saw to it that all were cared for. She'd have to fly to FL for a doc appt right away, drop everything. She managed it all. She told me that the day after that aunt passed away, her eldest called wanting to know what the will said. UGH!

Well I'm sorry you all are going through this and it is good that the POA sibling tried to get consensus from all involved. But the answer is whatever is best for mom. If it were a decision between 2 facilities equal in care but one be less costly as opposed to MC vs ?

The POA has a fiduciary duty to mom to handle her finances to benefit mom with her safety kept in mind. We all know MC and AL is very expensive. My father was a penny pincher all his life - child of depression. He was aghast at the cost of AL and wanted to leave bro and I an inheritance. He was very resistant to him and mom moving to AL - my response to him was that his and mom's needs were more important than leaving bro & I $. If there was $ left all well and good - but if it all went to their care then so be it. So to AL they went. Dad is now gone he lived to 91 - he thought he be dead by 65 based on his parents and bro. Mom is still kicking and doing well is 88 and if like her mother and paternal grandfather will be looking to still being alive at 97 - hopefully her money will hold out until then - just praying her MCI doesn't become dementia - so far so good.

To bro concerned about $, too bad - he needs to look at his mother and her needs - it sounds as if he doesn't believe she has the need of MC. POA needs to put his fiduciary hat on and do what's best for mom. Good luck to all of you.

It's important to be near your loved one, to make it easier to visit regularly. Visiting regularly will help your mother more than anything and allow you to keep track of how well she is cared for. All the family should be invested in her well being. As the primary caregiver, I put family on notice immediately that they should not count on getting an inheiritence, as the funds would go first to provide for my father's care. I did a lot of research and visits before selecting a place for my father and I initially took him along to see what he favored. I did not hire an intermediary.

I can say that if your mother is able to walk a mile a day, she will feel very constrained in memory care.

My mother is very well off, money and a house all paid up, life insurance policies and so forth. When my father died he had no will. Sadly I would not talk to him about it when he asked me. I told him I did not want to think about it. My brother insisted on his inheritance when my dad died. He hounded me and even drew up a will leaving a very good portion to himself. I never knew he was like that. He does not speak to me now and I am sad about it but relieved because of all the stress he caused me in the past. He did not think about my mother but just himself. No thank you no nothing for taking care of our mother. I told him that our mom is still living and it is for her future care and she can do what she wants with it. My cousins family does not speak to her since she placed her parents in a wonderful memory care facility. Some did not go to the mothers funeral. Very sad, indeed.
My advice is to do what is best for your mother and to heck with the rest of those money hungry siblings of yours. In the end what ever you do will never please them. I made the right decision and to heck with any family member that thinks otherwise. Follow your heart and take good care of your mother.

You might want to think about which center would be best in taking care of her needs especially when her mind is going. Does it have good supervision of dementia patients? Do the residents seem happy enough in the place? Be careful about those siblings for they might care more about the money than about her wellbeing.