Siblings have demonized me and will not speak to me after I requested a weekend break. What can I do?

Contacting local agencies about respite is not at all encouraging: our Mom is 92; she's been on the waiting list for FIVE YEARS for the $125 per month stipend for respite. That would mean five hours a month break for the caregiver - me. Have a good friend come over for a few hours so you and hubs can have a dinner out. Have Hubs hang with Mom so you and kids can have a mall day or Chuck - e Cheese day or whatever it is that floats your boat. Rotate. Find a church with volunteer church ladies. Also know that 'friends' who you haven't seen in awhile who all-of-a-sudden have a 'new' venture will want to charge you for a few hours of visitation. Just say no, and find perhaps retired CNA's through a local hospital or medical center who could use a few bucks. I found it's easier to get away for two hours than a weekend. I too have been in the caregiver seat for five+ years (living arrangement) and 18+ as a commuter. It's no disrespect to Mom to 'sharpen the saw' so to speak. How many more trees can you chop down (if you are a lumberjack) if you don't take a break to get 'sharp' again? Remember: this is only temporary. There will be a you and your honey AND your relationship with your children after Mom is no longer with you. We can't live in the past or the future. Only the present. Go live.

Seems like a lot of us on this site are going through the same thing. No help from our siblings. You can only do so much without having a nervous break down, like I did. I had to put Mom in AL and we are much happier. I think you should print all these wonderful answers out and send them to all your siblings and maybe highlight the money part. Why don't they get it?? Hugs to you and all who are hear as our friends and support.

One the other hand mailing the siblings this thread may only serve to incite the demonizing to a new and higher level.

It may help to unload your feelings to each sibling in a letter to each of them maybe even quoting things from here and then when you are up to it, instead of mailing them, put them in a metal can, burn them and cast the ashes to the wind as a symbolic way of letting go of any expectation of them being any different that they are at the present time.

I think this may help you unload your emotions by putting them on paper.

I say this because the anger, resentment, and bitterness that we hold towards others, even when it is justified, is like a poison that only hurts us and has no impact upon them. Take care.

Please let it go. Children's Services go after deadbeat dads, there is no agency for deadbeat siblings. They will have to meditate on their own callous and heartless behavior eventually. Just know that you are doing the right thing but must do it alone.
I would not encourage any further contact between your mother and these siblings as it may cause even more hostility as a reaction to whatever conscience they may have left. Parents tend to create rivalries to get a reaction and more attention. They are only human and now regressing emotionally as well as physically. Sorry, I'm not good at delicacy.

Your request of a week-end break is very, very reasonable. You sound great, and your sisters should be apologizing to you! I've noticed in families that things can go well for perhaps 20 or 30 years, and then when something is expected of the sibling(s), (usually caregiving), the non-helping siblings can get very defensive, rigid and inflexible. I wish there was an easy answer, but perhaps you could write them a letter in the U.S. mail, basically saying what you said in your post. Not trying to interfere in your mother's financial situation, but I hope you are getting a lot more of the inheritance, as you deserve it.

About releasing the anger: Get a big paper cup. Fill it with rocks (not kidding here) that you name with all of the angry issues/situations you are going through. (Not people names, thoughts, actions, frustrations, etc.) Then THROW THEM out into the field, yard, (someplace safe please) and literally have a good cry. Sounds silly, actually helps. Former co-worker actually drove to my house with a cup of rocks for me. I drove around with it for two weeks, thinking it too silly. One day when I just about HAD IT, I did what he said. Cried for about an hour like a ninny. Washed my face and felt a whole heckuva lot better. (Iliza Schlesinger, on Netflix, Last Comic Standing- does the same thing for me. May not work for everyone but laughing and crying - out loud- works for me.) You grieve for loss of the sibling relationship and the maternal love that's not there. Then you move on.

Another good way to release anger and frustration: get a bunch of cheap, glass desert bowls. Find a safe block wall, use goggles. Pitch one bowl at a time at the wall, from a safe distance and make sure to listen to the sound as the glass breaks. Something in that sound will relieve and release a tremendous amount of the energy that is being trapped inside you by the frustration, resentment and anger. The act of "pitching" the bowls with force also helps release that. My first boss taught me this trick back in the early 70's, and it works for any occasion when you feel like you're ready to pop and aren't sure what to do. You can then move on, feeling more relaxed and able to actually deal with the matters you have at hand. Her husband used to go to the shooting range to release his stress, and she figured out that this was like going to her own "shooting range" for the same purpose. Try it!

I found a good way to release anger other than writing and burning letters was to take up Tae Kwan Do in which I got to break boards and cinder blocks. My boys and I would do this at home sometimes on Friday night, write things on the boards, and then burn the broken boards over which we would cook something. I would not recommend this though for a lot of people if their health is not strong and their bones are not strong.

However you chose a way that will work for you in getting it out and letting it go. Good luck!

I cannot respond personally to the sibling issue because my brother died young, so there is only me doing this...but as a retired RN, I will say (and not to stick up for anyone here....just another thought to ponder over....) some people do not have what it takes to be a caretaker in any way, shape or form. They wouldn't be able to care for their own child, let alone a parent in declining health....and if this were the case, then could they do another part of the 'care'....pay the bills, do the paper work to get Mom qualified for Medicaid, research some other type of assistance needed? If no one will even help with that sort of thing, then, as Ferris and others have said....they are not going to change....and give up wishing. They will likely show up at the funeral, with their hands out for their inheritance. If you control the money, spend it on your Mom....get her some help in the home, so you can have a break. If she doesn't want to spend that money, have a serious talk with her about what a heap of trouble she will be in if anything happens to you! Get that assistance to give you some time off, to preserve your health, energy and time for your husband. You did promise to put him first in your marriage vows! THEN....if Mom has assets, it might be a good idea to consider an assisted living apt in a facility that has full service. If she is down to a house, a car and cash of $2000/mo or less, she should qualify for Medicaid, which WILL pay for some in home care if she wants to stay in her own home and safely can do that. If she has too many assets, then they would have to be 'spent down' and the Medicaid worker would tell you exactly what the rules are. Basically spending down can be only for her health care or to improve her home....so using her money for in home help would be part of the 'spend down' that would get her qualified for Medicaid. I am no expert, as I've had a financial benefits person from our eldercare/trust law firm helping me do it. We've gotten Dad qualified and now we're just starting to get Mom qualified. I read all the people on here who say they have no money, and I wonder why no one is helping them get qualified for Medicaid in their own states, but there must be something there I don't understand. Your siblings may be thinking that by having you provide the care, they are just preserving their inheritance or something, but from what I see....the bottom line is if our parents do not die in their sleep or from a sudden and fast illness or decline....they will not leave any inheritances to anyone, because it will all be used up for health care in the end. There is no point in running yourself in the ground, ruining your health and marriage and besides, if you have children, what are you rolemodeling for them? Do you want them to ruin their lives caring for you? Do you want to take the chance that they will see what you are going through, and they will think like your siblings about being there for you? It seems to me, it would be better to be utilizing Mom's money to pay for some regular help to give you the break....regular breaks during the week and a paid vacation once or twice a year, or over regular long weekends...whatever seems that it will help renew you the most based on her care needs and how overwhelming it is for you. I've recently been checking out a website called carelinx.com where you can preview skills and experiences of caregivers who are bonded and checked out....anticipating someone being needed 4 hours/day for my own mom. I've not hired yet...just started investigating the site, and how it works. I hope I didn't offend by my suggestions....they are just based on what I've seen and read that others are going through.....

Mom did have a house. She sold it. Paid Dad's end-of-life hospital bill for six days: $18K. Paid her hospital bill for 2010 for four days : $23K. Has SS to the tune of $1300 month. Has seven docs,+ meds (had prescription insurance); saving up for radiation co-pay of $4500. Not eligible for medicaid. Never was. Has about $2300 in the bank; finally qualified with $1339 month share-of-cost. Since radiation is over a six to eight week period...she's paying the co-pay either way. At $22-$25 AN HOUR for a companion...I realize each state is different, but it's a real issue for all 63 million of us.

everyone has their own way of dealing with aging parents. My dad's family were not close, although they loved each other. contact your local Area Agency on Aging, they should have a caregiver program that can provide respite and support. It's a great program. They should also have programs that provide in home services, if your mom qualifies she can have a caregiver to come in and assist. This gives you a break or a chance to go shopping. You are right, it is always a good thing to discuss wishes for our end of life care. If she hasn't completed advance directives, have her do so. My mom's family is closer and have always visited regularly, so I've experienced family from two viewpoints. Some people are unable to 'handle' a loved on becoming ill or declining. I can't say why your siblings are the way they are. If they don't come and visit, it's their loss. You know you are doing everything you can to make sure you mom is cared for. Good for you. I'm caring for my dad, I moved in 2 years ago. My brother lives nearby and helps out with bigger things such as home maintenance. I know he's there if I really need him but I do all of the inside chores, care for dad, attend medical appointments, some outside chores etc. Maybe your siblings would stay in touch via phone, I'm sure mom would like to hear from them. As caregivers we need to care for ourselves, but you also need to enlist your husband/children when you can. I'm sure this has been difficult for you. It's unfortunate your siblings don't help out willingly. Maybe they think because you live closer it's easier for you-I don't know. You are helping mom take care of all the details for end of life care. This time is precious, enjoy her while you have her. Family squabbles are the worst It's there loss in my book.

I concur with all that has been mentioned above. 6 kids in this family... 1 caretaker - ONLY me! They all come up with excuses, reasons, blame game, etc to get over their own guilt of being the back-out kids. Backout of all responsibility. The sooner YOU accept it the better off YOU will be. Find as much free help as you can thru Senior Services or take respite through Hospice or paid help whenever possible and enjoy the time you can trying to have some type of normalcy in your life. My relationship with the other siblings will never be what it once was but that is okay. They will have to deal with it at some point in their lives... here or the next. Stay Strong!

Good time Charlies, that's a good discription of my sibs.

Aubrey, I feel the same isolation from my mother as you describe. I live out of state and about 800 mi from my mom and siblings. On my most recent visit with my mom in her senior apartment, she and I spent a week together and we did a lot of nice and meaningful things. I took her to places she wanted to go - the cemetery, driving to see our old house my husband and I lived in when we lived there, visiting the hospital she used to work at as a nurse, neighborhood I grew up in, etc. When my sister called while I was there, my mom told her what we did that day together: saying that "she" went to the cemetery and "she" put flowers on our relatives' graves, "she" went and saw where my brother used to live (I lived 3 houses away on the other side of the same street but she only said she drove by my brother's house - not mine) never mentioning me like I wasn't even with her! I drove the car and did everything with her, but in order to pacify my sister, who I no longer speak to due to the fact that she's a sociopath controlling our mother, my mom totally left me out of the conversation. That told me a lot about how my sister manipulates my mom into taking her side. She has to discount me and show loyalty to my sister in order to keep her happy and continuing to take care of her. I kind of understand, but it hurts none the less. My sister also accused me of hiding an item she had lost while I was there. When she found it inside my mom's bag containing her legal documents a month later in front of the family, she pretended she had no idea how it got in there and said that I must have hidden it in there while visiting. So my mom doesn't know who to believe, but my sister has her ear and is there in town, so the result is I get a cloud of suspicion over me that I can do nothing about. It is so painful when I am a good, honest and caring person to be slandered like that. But when you have a sociopath that is posturing for control and scheming to get her hands on the money, I am just part of the collateral damage as we go through this saga. I so sympathize with what you are going through. It is agonizing and all you can do is further distance yourself from them, sad to say. But try to stay in touch with your mom - they are so easily influence by the evil ones in our families that have an agenda. So sad.

You know, this question and these responses are really important to us all, regardless of how many times we have seen them or how many times they are on this site. You have new folks coming on board, and older discussions get pushed down etc. Thank you for asking.

I am there too. My only, younger sister is exactly this person as well. She recently refused to take mom to the hosp. when she called her, telling my sister that she could not breathe or stop coughing. My sister told her since she did not have a fever, she could not have pneumonia. My mom called her instead of me, according to my mom, because she calls me for everything. I am the DPOA. But, she hung up and called me, I took her to the hosp. She had pneumonia and was put into the ICU immed. My sister then told all that it was my fault because we had an argument, mom and I, earlier. I asked mom if that is why she did not call me and she said, "lord no, we argue and it does not bother me at all". Which is true, she wants to argue, starts them. But they kill me, another topic.

My sister is angry that I was appointed DPOA. I am done with it. It was not for my intelligence being greater than hers or any other thing than the fact that I do not work. I am sick and home. So, they chose me, and the fact that I was a stock broker and banker for a living so they factored that in. She is livid and an idiot. I am done with her. I have begged her every way from Sunday to take the POA but I would not give it over to her now. She will NOT take care of our mom. She has NO idea how much stress and work this is. Mom is obstinate and difficult sometimes, and unfortunately., they are exactly alike.

There is a lot to say, but I will stop with that. TY for the question. We all need validation and this is so flipping sad. This is the time we should find each other not rip each other apart, as siblings. My sister also does the bad father thing. He was not perfect but he was a heck of lot better father than she has been a daughter.

Aubrey, in reading over my last comment I see that it doesn't really relate to your situation specifically, other than the sibling difficulties. I must have read another post that I was writing in response to...not sure what. Oh well, still I want to say that this elderly parent phase of life is difficult at best for all concerned. Sound like your heart is in the right place, but navigating through all the misunderstandings, hurt feelings and other issues with siblings makes it far more difficult for our parents as well as for us, their adult children. The biggest problem I see in my own family is the secretiveness between my sister and mom - they operate under the radar and this makes my mom very vulnerable to abuse - my mom can't voice any complaints against her for fear of being abandoned by the one she totally relies on. That would be fine if the "one" she relies on were a normal person with a conscience, but she is not. She is a conniving, deceitful sociopath. I have concerns about someone like that having 100% control of our mother's welfare - all the way from dispensing her pills to handling her finances. But my voice is not heard. My mom lives in denial but she wants it that way, so who am I to argue?

Aubrey, maybe the moderator on this post can delete my posts above. I was confused and had two windows open a the same time and my post was intended to be in response to Debbie1956, but mistakenly posted to this thread. Oops! Sorry.

when my MIL was with us, when I needed help, I told her daughters to remember that the grandkids were watching how we treated Grandma--and some day WE would be the Grandmas! That helped a bit, but it was us DIL's that did the bulk of the granny-care. Got lots of advice from the sisters, however. We just dealt with it as best we could, and figured out that we were better off without their "help".

No problem 2ndBest.

It's frustrating being the 'only' one caring for a parent. What we seem to be ignoring here is a common story: those far away have some sort of guilt trip that gnaws at them. Since they are not there all the time, they have no idea what we on the front go through. They fly in intermittently and become 'golden'; they call on the phone and are above reproach. This is a common human reaction to such situations. When I was in the death-care business it was the same. Relatives flying in always trying to 'change' and 'fix' the caregiver; totally unconscious of the efforts made and exhaustion inherent in the task. I suggest getting info and counsel from your local funeral home about managing emotions at both end of life and what seems unending life (no disrespect here) . There are free books in their on-site libraries to borrow or keep, and help-groups at no charge. You may even benefit from the bereavement groups given by many hospices: you'll meet folks that have gone through what you are going through, and have come out the other end. Hope these ideas have helped- both the out-of-town sibs, and the front-liners. Seeing over four thousand families go through losing loved ones, in most instances elderlies, has certainly given me a larger perspective, both in dealing with emotions and finances.

This is the confusing and sad part. If you met my sibs you would think they were nice people. In many ways they are (I am serious)...ask them and they'll tell you so (now snarky)...like my one brother recently did when we spoke by phone. He said and I quote "If you had asked for help we would have stepped up, we are caring and generous people. But the way you handled it with "the call" wasn't necessary." WHAT? I've asked them numerous times in numerous ways, we had a family meeting that they requested for gosh sakes! What in the world??? The brother who made these remarks was not the brother who got the "the call"! So his impression is all hearsay....and how is that you ask? If you hung around my sibs long enough you would find that my SIL (wife of the bros who I did call) has a wonderful gift for "talking" about her husband's family members. She has years of experience in this field and twisted my message to all who would listen. She's the twit that blocked me on social media after I asked them to come every 3 flipping months to give me a weekend off. Any new readers to this thread remember I'm now using mom's funds for a team of sitters for a portion of each day b/c it was too much for me. I'm trying to distance myself from my siblings and learn not to care about their opinion of me but as I said in the beginning of this thread it hurts to be meligned when I'm responsibly caring for mom's needs (she lives 2 houses away from me). It's like I can't win. I do their work but as you all know even with sitters I'm invloved every single day with some aspect of mom's care and hear me I'm not complaining abou that part....it is my siblings feelings toward me that hurts. Wow, I do it all and get to ease their guilt to boot. Unbelievable!

Aubrey, if I remember correctly from earlier in this thread, I seem to remember that your mother is bad mouthing you behind your back to your siblings which is not helping either and only makes things worse.

Your SIL sounds like quite a mess. I would not talk anymore with that brother since his wife twists everything you tell him. Are the spouses of your other siblings better than to do that? I hope so. I wish some outside, objective moderator type person could intervene and separate fact from fiction in this situation.

Step away from the drama already. Don't ask for anything. Be polite and aloof. Cover your heart in Teflon. Move on.
Some questions have no answers. Some problems have no resolution.

I like your comment, 'end of life and unending life'. Not disrespectful. It does get that way sometimes, especially when you are doing it alone in a multi child family. I wish there was a contract we could draw that all signed helping all understand the pain, heartache and hard work that goes into the frustrating work of 'raising' ones parents, as that is how it feels sometimes. I suppose the degree of dementia along with each parents personality disorder, as well as our own issues, creates this opera of chaos no one can understand until they stand in the eye of the storm. Who is that man or woman that is wearing my parents wrinkled face?

Aubry- you have done enough and they will never appreciate your efforts. You might want to give up on feeling heartbroken because of their disrespect for your mom and for you and step back into your own power. It's good you realize you had the parties forcing your sibs to visit. They haven't changed or shown any signs of appreciating you after all you have done for your mom so the big payoff you're looking for is not going to happen through your family. You are entitled to feel a bit sorry for yourself, but don't waste too much time placing blame on your sibs as if you are surprised that they don't measure up to your high standards and failed your test miserably. You are doing what they flatly refuse to do, it's not you it's them. Everyone knows what they've done and unfortunately it sounds like they will use any tactic to avoid taking responsibility. You see that they would rather just not talk about it than to be forced and they refuse to be embarrassed into doing anything to help you. See them for who they are. Many of us have been in your shoes, so please don't be too hard on yourself. You meant well and went all-out thinking it would be appreciated in some way. You might want to draw the line with them. Stop playing the game, stop trying to get them to do anything, and take some time to think about how you could have been mistaken thinking that they would help you when you need it. You deserve better than this so just realize you were wrong about them and find a better way to love your mom without their involvement. Rethink your strategy: at some point your mom might not even remember them. At this point you don't owe them anything other than reasonable communication about your mom's health, you won't have to bother with asking them over again, so if they don't come on their own accord it's their loss and it's certainly not your fault.

Wow Sascaregiver that was spot on! Thank you. Honestly, I've known the score for a long time. Years ago when we were young adults "with lives" my sibs chose not to visit for any of the traditonal family holidays. I'll never forget my parent's quiet hurt. That is when my husband and I made a conscious decision to host fun family holiday events. Warm and loving holiday gathers were always a part of our lives. When my siblings did not visit I got them "off the hook" by hosting the big family events early enough in the season that there could be no excuses for non-attendance. Looking back I wouldn't change a thing. It is enough that my parents were able to enjoy their grandkids and children and thier feelings were spared.

Hi again from Aubrey,
Recap: my sibs are absent (3 hours way) melign me to all who will listen even as I continue to care for every aspect of mom's care. Recently they have begun to label this situation as a "feud". As if I have the time or desire to fight with them!? I have taken your advice and have not asked for their help, have not confronted them and I have accepted that I cannot compel them to give mom even a small measure of their time or attention. I will say that I am sad to hear from other family members that despite my best efforts they continue to cultivate ill will.

Oh Aubrey, I'm sorry, how discouraging. Could you tell the other family members something along the lines of 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'? I'm sure they mean well in offering you this information, but unless it's useful in some way perhaps it would be best to deter them gently.

After all, it's hard to have a feud with someone who knows nothing about it. And that way the rest of the family will know that whoever is creating the ill-will it can't be you, because you're not doing anything. Hugs to you, it must be very depressing.

I'm sorry to hear this Aubrey, but I'm really not surprised. The excuse of a "feud" allows them to make their absence and refusal to help with your mother seem understandable and excusable. That's the kind of thing people do when they don't want to either change or admit that they're at fault. Shameful, but it is what it is. I'm so sorry you're faced with this in addition to the strain and sacrifice of caregiving.

I am no saint, I would love to blast them. What would that accomplish? Give them validation??? No way! I refuse!