Mom has vascular dementia. She is convinced she is fine, the Dr. is crazy, and I'm a controlling witch who is doing all this to her on purpose. Her DL has been revoked. This has been explained a thousand times. Finally, we 'lost' the key. Currently, we are 'waiting' to get a replacement key. Somebody come up with my next excuse!!!!! I don't know what to tell her anymore.
She won't go to her Neurologist or the Geriatric Psychiatrist. Refuses to go. Does anybody know if you can alert the police that she is about to drive and have them stop her? Are there legal ramifications for me if she somehow manages to get behind the wheel of a vehicle? I wouldn't put it past her to steal my car....she has stolen my keys before.
We live in California and when you hit 70 you have to take the written test every 4 years when you get your driver's license renewed. With the regular people, he failed the written test by 1 question . They gave him a 2 month extension. He took the test 6 times and failed every time. 18 questions, can miss 3 he would miss 4. My heart bled for him. During this time he had a fender bender. I emailed the Doctor and told him what was going on. We went in and the Doctor told him he couldn't drive because if he hurt someone after having the Alzheimer's diagnoses they could sue us for everything we had. He said on the way home, it was sort of a relief not to try to pass the written test anymore.
I had already decided I was not going to ride with him on the freeway anymore. He scared me to death and I do not scare easy. I thought if he got into an accident and they sued us at least I would have my health.
Sometimes, people can "showtime", in other words, pull it together for a little while, what would you do if she kept her license?
Listen when your mother complains (for only a minute), say you understand but do not to explain why she can’t drive. Change the subject, if that doesn’t work walk away. She likely thinks that as long as she can keep you engaged in the conversation she has a chance to win. I told mine that her doctors have forbidden her to drive and I have no power over the DMV. It has been seven months now since her license was revoked, she still complains from time to time but as her memory worsens she switches her OCD behavior to other subjects.
I did ask him what he would do if I were to fall and black out. He said he would pick me up, put me in the car and drive me to the hospital. Not the best idea! Working on changing that reaction and meanwhile staying safe.
A month later, she got the keys again and drove to the next state to visit a childhood girlfriend. Very late at night/early in the am. Hit a car that had stopped for a red light - thank God it was a very slow accident. She parked at a Wendy's and wandered into one of those storefront clinics that is open all night. Her airbag had gone off and she had hit the steering wheel (probably didn't have her seat belt on) and broke her nose - her face was swollen and bruising. She refused to let the clinic transport her to the hospital so they called the police for assistance.
IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOUR MOM NOT DRIVE!!
While she was in the hospital we retrieved her car and "disappeared it". When she wanted to know where her car was we told her she had a bad accident and the car was totaled and taken away. We have had to tell her that over 999,000 times, but she seems to accept that explanation even if she can't remember it. If she still has her car, make it disappear (hopefully you have power of attorney to sell it; if not, find a relative where you can park it for now). If she lives with you and gets your keys, do two things. Hide your keys in a place where she can't get them. Buy a small safe for $30-$40 (a kids safe is fine) and keep your keys in it, or buy one of those stuffed animals where you can unzip their outer layer to wash it, or a pajama pal, so you can hide the keys in a place she is unlikely to look. Then put a dummy set of keys where yours usually are. If she finds them they won't work. If she asks you about why they won't work tell her you need to take the car to a place and have them fix the problem.
Hopefully that will be less like you are taking her car from her, and more like you both have run into a string of bad luck and are trying your best to fix things. Good luck!!
When she asked them how they were getting their groceries, the husband said they drove, of course. When the APS lady asked if they remembered their licenses were revoked, they acted very surprised and said "They are?!"
Shortly after, she asked the husband what he thought they should do with their minivan if they couldn't drive and he answered "Sell it and get some money out of it." At that point he was willing to give me the keys and I moved it to a friend's garage to keep it there while we got it ready to sell. I then proceeded to pick them up once a week for grocery shopping and take them to any appointments they had or other needs to get taken care of.
About 2 months later, we got a phone call early one morning with the husband exclaiming "Our cars are gone!" They hadn't had two cars in years.
It was involving APS that provided the answer for my situation. Fortunately, neither one could remember to ask about their car, so it wasn't an on-going issue. I could have resorted to fibs had I needed to, and was glad I didn't have to do that. When I finally got them to move into a memory care apartment, they hardly ever needed to go anywhere and never asked about their car. And once there, never asked about their condo either or said anything about going back home. We made their MC apartment very similar to their condo with the furniture arranged the same way and it probably felt very much like home as they remembered it.
we alerted police TWICE because we were concerned about his safety and the safety of others. They caught him pulling into his driveway, but Police accused US of leaving the “poor guy to die” in his house!!!!! They went so far as to say “he’s lovely. I don’t know why he can’t drive!” (At that point my blood pressure shot up!) he can’t drive because his NEUROSURGEON said so... his cardiologist said so.... and he CHOOSES not to take advantage of the taxis, Uber’s, and aides we’ve sent to drive him around.
I hate to say it but, it took “the BIG fall” ... a two week hospitalization, (where he was deemed “unable to live alone”) followed by a MOVE to be closer to us without his car to get him off the road!!! Yet, the daily questions persist -“what doctor am I going to next who can give me my license back?” (We’ve seen three so far, and they’ve all just rolled their eyes and politely told him “I think it’s best you do not drive.”) but he persists EVERY day... unfortunately nothing worked for us. Although he’s NOT driving now, it’s a daily battle trying to help him understand that the doctors aren’t crazy... he really can’t drive.
Maybe the strategies we tried might work for you?! Good luck!!!
This is horrible time for Your Mom too "loosing Her independence is never easy.
It takes a long time to learn the lesson, but save yourself the angst and give it up. Do you have POA? Then you might want to have the car towed because it can't start...needs to be fixed...(you can do that by figuring out how to disable it or having someone who can gain access when she's not around.
No one can stop you or anyone else from notifying the police, but if she is licensed and doesn't cause anyone else a problem not much they can do, although there may be a way for you or the MD to notify a licensing authority in your state and there may be some steops to take. Your other question is legal and only an attorney can answer the accident questions...but I'd sure be keeping my car keys around my neck or in my pocket. If she takes yours without your consent then you can have her reported, arrested, and who knows what will happen then...but no matter who is held accountable, it will cause so much trouble and cost so much money and risk injury so you just don't want it to happen. I pulled the knobs off our built in oven, and my mother bitched and left very coherent notes about PUT THE KNOBS BACK ON THE OVEN RIGHT NOW!!!!. Which I did not do. And within a week or less, no more whining. Have you tried calling your local ALzheimer's Assn? They will probably know what to do and about local issues
I think you can alert the police, but I don't know if they can actually stop her without a valid reason. It's worth talking to them, though. I guess if her license has been revoked, that's reason enough. There are legal ramifications, from what I've heard. Even if her car is stopped at a stop sign and someone runs into her, apparently they could sue if they find out she has dementia. That's just what I've heard, I don't know how true it is.
When hubby was told he couldn't drive any more, He gave me his truck key, he told me to be careful with it because it was the only key. He forgot I had a set. One morning he took it off my key ring and wouldn't give it back. He was going to drive and didn't care that he didn't have a license or insurance. My car was behind his in the driveway and I left it there for 3 days. He couldn't get out past it. I needed to put my car in the shop for a day or so, so asked for his truck key. I told him it was that or I would have to spend money renting a car. Spending extra money was too much for him, so he gave me back his key.
I had already hid all extra keys, then I put a clippy thing (can't think of the word) on my key chain. I wear jeans most of the time so I hooked my keys around my belt loop and kept them on me all the time except when I slept. Then I would hide them in a place hubby couldn't get to. Actually, I put them in the sack that holds new vacuum cleaner bags. He had a moment of clarity and said he wanted our 17 year old grandson to have his truck. Bingo, it was gone.
Is the car hers or yours? If she isn't mechanically inclined, try letting the air out of the tires, or disconnecting the battery.
If your car, just tell her no, like you would a child. She will obsess on something else one of these days. If you get the keys, and she asks for them, just tell her you don't know where they are. I had to say, "How do I know, they are your keys."
Yes, there could be legal ramifications for you - if she gets behind YOUR vehicle and drives away. Hide the keys where she cannot find them. You can also have your car insurance changed so that you are the only designated driver - and use THAT as an excuse.
MD said it is unsafe for you to drive. Put a copy of the MD notification on her refrigerator 'for reference' (block out his/her phone #).
NO: You don't need to keep coming up with excuses.
DO: Listen and agree that you understand: "Yes, I know you feel that way." Period. Do not allow yourself to be drawn in over and over again.
YES. Do alert Police. Depending on the person, it is common for elders to call the police themselves to 'report' family taking keys or something. She may also call road service/ins company if she has #s. If she can get to car and drive it, you need to take a part out of the car so it won't start. Gena