My 81-year-old dad has been living alone since my mom died unexpectedly 3 years ago. He has had some health problems but is OK at the moment, driving, doing his own shopping, going to doctor's appointments, etc.
My sister lives 1,500 miles from him and has not been back to visit since my mom died. She emails him regularly and calls occasionally. They never got along, and she is still mad at him for things he did and said 25 years ago.
I live 350 miles from him, visit about every 8 weeks, call weekly, and email regularly. My sister says I'm "coddling" our dad and he should either move into assisted living or stand on his own. Yesterday she accused me of "neglecting her" (not calling or emailing her as frequently) in favor of taking care of our dad.
I'm OK with her choosing not to help, because the two of them really never got along, and I can't even imagine her replacing light bulbs for him or helping him sort through his clothes. It seems more likely she would yell at him to do it himself.
But for her to accuse me of neglecting *her* makes me wonder if something is more seriously out of whack with how she is perceiving the situation. I've read through the forum but not seen something similar. Anyone? Thanks for any insights you can share.
I'm in a similar situation with my sister who hates our mother. I am my mother's primary care giver. I never tell my sister everything that is involved in her care. I just do what I have to. I agree that our mother is very difficult and demanding. We had a lot of drama in our lives growing up. It was a difficult childhood. I just want to do what needs to be done and keep the peace. There is always drama between the two of them and I get sucked into it. It's awful. No matter how much I try to mediate the situation or divert the argument, my sister takes issue with me. She wants me to join her against our mother and isolate her by cutting her out of our lives. I called on her once for support because my mother, like most chronically ill people with mental health issues, was driving me crazy. I started having panic attacks and an emotional breakdown. I had a horrible emotional outburst against my mother and said awful things. I could feel myself losing control and while I felt badly that I was treating my mother that way, I couldn't stop myself. I had hoped my sister would have come over and tried to mediate the situation; reason with my mother, who becomes very unreasonable, and help out; but, she didn't. She started yelling at my mother, calling her names, and started a war. She made it look like she was defending me but in reality, she had found an outlet for her hatred and tried to enlist me in her war. I didn't need that; I needed to make amends for what I said to my mother, and needed her to understand that she is wearing me down with her demands. I needed someone to work out a care plan where I wouldn't be driven to despair. Our mother continues to need care. She has no one. As challenging as she is, my sister knows that cutting her loose is not an option. If I did cut her loose, my sister would be too embarrassed in front of the extended family, and fear that she would be looked down upon, so she would tell me to help my mother or try to do what she could, but realistically, given her lifestyle, it would be minimal. It's easy for someone who is removed from a situation to talk and criticize because they don't have to deal with the practical realities of the situation. It's easy to say "out of sight, out of mind"; but when it comes to a parent-child relationship, you tread on a mine field of guilt, emotions, resentment and love. There is hardly ever a clean break.
Since your already know that sis wont' help, sounds like you are the adult in the family. Why don't you try this: "dad need's more help now, but he is not ready for assisted living; what can you help out with? She probably will balk at that, but it may stop the complaining.
Sorry you have to go through this. It is not uncommon for one family member to do all the work and for others to be critical of what they do.
You aren't going to change her. I would never mention your dad to her, call her a little more often or send emails or texts. Emails and texts are great, sort of a one way conversation. When she brings it up, You can always say, "You could be right, I'll have to think about it" and drop it.
Because of family dynamics, I never mention one of my daughters to the other one. I do this with both daughters. Because what I have learned, they immediately call the other one and put what I have said in the worst light. So, when I talk to one, it is like the other one doesn't exist. I would try this with your sister. If she asks about dad, just say he is OK or something like that. That is unless he has a real problem.
Just a thought, could she be right?
I do agree she's conflicted and looking to not have to change. I guess in the end, it doesn't matter whether that's realistic on her part or not.