I’m the daughter in law some of you are going to hate. The one who has the freedom to travel and go as she pleases within limits. Meanwhile, my PIL are living in another state battling cancer. I’m the one you despise since your up day and night caring for your elderly parent while I’m at home resting and taking care of my children. I’m the one who lives states away and only visit once or twice a year. I’m the one who wouldn’t dare agree with hubby quitting his job (not at his age), and spending all his retirement 💵 on his parents elderly care just so we can later demand and burden our children by starting the cycle all over again.
I’m so sorry this is happening to soo many families and it angers me that many parents didn’t plan for their senior care and living arrangements. It’s not fair despite the unconditional love.
That being said, for those of you that are caregivers to your parents, what type of assistance would be helpful?
Basically, What can “I” do to alleviate some of the stresses and resentment towards distant family members and siblings?
~Sincerely someone on the opposite side 💐
What would mean a lot to me is if sibling and spouse offered us moral support via phone calls, emails, even texts! That is all I would ask for. Weekly phone calls would be appreciated as would letting us vent when we need to.
No one hates you. The fact that you are on this site shows you care. Your first priority are your children and I completely agree with you about your husband not quitting his job and spending your retirement income.
Another suggestion if you are able to do so would be to research assisted living, nursing homes, or in-house agencies for your family.
I'm also a DIL who lives far away. I think just the fact that you are trying to get information on how to help is excellent. It sounds like you acknowledge that someone is sacrificing to care for your husband's parents so he doesn't have to. Because they are doing it, your family has less demands on how you spend time and money. You can stay on track with your plans for the future. I think a lot of people would just like the out of town siblings to recognize the sacrifice.
The only quibble I have with your post is the breezy supposition that it was poor planning that leads to people needing help from their families. It is not. It amazes me how many people take their own financial security as something they earned and deserve on merit. It's smug. Many, many people planned properly, saved what they could and still got devastated by an illness or infirmity. If not their own, a child, spouse or parent's needs can derail the best laid plans. We don't deserve our health and wealth. It's a gift.
In my case my father is a spender and a hoarder. Any garden tool, gadget or gizmo he is going to buy. He is over $100,000 in debt at 89 years old, yet still spending. That number does not include his back income tax which is another $100k+.
He thinks that as he has mortgage and cc ‘insurance’ that will pay out on death. It is ok. He has no concept of how care maybe needed in the future and that money will be needed. His ‘insurance’ will not pay out unless he dies. It will not cover his income tax debt either.
Me, Dad does not believe I have anything to contribute. So when I visit I clean the bathroom, the kitchen, toss rotting food from the fridge and counters, and leave it at that.
when I visited last month he mentioned dribbling pee and I think he wet the bed. When I went this month I brought him pull ups and pee guards. He had forgotten the conversation and denied needing them. I told him they were for if He needs them in the future.
Dad’s short term memory and reasoning skills are not great anymore. His long term memory is great.
I asked - she wanted help applying for any and all county services they could qualify for. She wanted help applying for Medicaid in preparation for eventual nursing home placement. She needed regular breaks. I went there one weekend a month and she left town each weekend to visit friends, go to the casino, etc. she always came back refreshed.
Each caregiver needs something different. For people who lived locally - she through it helpful if they would bring over groceries etc.
but ask and LISTEN
How can you help? Are they being cared for in their home by a family member? If so, it would be nice to give them a break. Go there for a week or so and do the caregiving, If in an AL, same thing. Even though Mom was in an AL I did her wash. I had to purchase Depends and any other personal needs. Mom was 5 min. up the road. I visited everyday for a short time. If family is doing this again a break would be nice. Let them take a vacation without having to worry about parents. Have ur husband call them weekly. This is what bothered me about my brothers, they never called when Mom still knew who they were. Ask if money is needed. So many caregivers are left with all the financial responsibility when there are siblings that can contribute something. And then, when parent is gone they want their share. Maybe some gift cards for food places where if they can't go, the food can be delivered.
When it comes to parents planning for their futures, I really don't think they thought they would live as long as they are. I live in a blue collar town. Most families made living wages and raised families. There was not much left over to plan for the future. My Dad was one of these people with 4 kids. At 52 he went on SSD for a bad heart. He had two open heart surgeries and diabetes. So never enough to save. The money Mom had for the AL was Dads insurance money she had put into CDs and never touched. Her house, needed work when they moved in in 1958 and there was never enough money to keep it up. I couldn't sell it. So, I will be shutting it up and the township will eventually get it for unpaid taxes.
Me, we have some money saved and some invested. Hopefully enough to get us a nice AL for a while. We own our home, so an asset there.
Thanks, siblings for taking 2 hours every six months to visit your father. I haven't had a real vacation in the 8 years I've supported your dad. But sure, I hope you are enjoying your time at the beach.
Jerks
Now housecleaning services would be a real Plus, or those new gormet food deliveries, where on gets to put together a really special meal! Obviously frequent phone calls to both the elders, and the Caregivers, letting them know how much you care.
There are So many options out there, but I'll bet that the elders would just Love to receive something special in the mail a couple of times a month, and its not that hard, compared to what the Caretakers are giving up.
QVC AND HSN have lovely food options that can be sent with the bill to/ship to option, especially holiday treats, wreaths, a holiday decoration, chocolate and candy options, crab cakes, Omaha Steak deliveries! Anything that would make things a bit easier for the Caregivers would be so much appreciated! I know that I would have Loved to see my husband's siblings offer up some thoughtful surprises, but never received so much as a card, during the 13 years we cared for my FIL in our home. It didn't go unnoticed either, as resentments do build up.
You are very nice to reach out, to find out what might be a real Ray of Sunshine to those in the trenches, to what can be a real drudgery at times, taking care of our elders! Thank You!
And I second the advice to insist that those who are caregivers get financial compensation, preferable as it is given and not as part of a division of the estate because that can keep someone in the trenches far too long - if mom or pop eventually spend 5 years in a facility will anyone remember and place the same value on those previous years of sacrifice?
I'm curious -- so just who IS doing the hands-on care for your in-laws? Did that person have to give up their job to do so? Their financial future? A solid retirement? Are they being compensated? Does that person resent your husband for not helping out more?
I am in the in-town sibling, and I have three brothers. Two visit during the year (but never stay more than one or two days). One hardly ever visits. He doesn't do a thing for our elderly mother. I resent him more than the others for that.
BUT...I don't live with my mother, she doesn't live with me, and we will never live together. She needs more help, has the money to hire it, and refuses to do so. I limit my exposure to her as much as possible -- my job is to drive her places, and I do it as little as possible. (She gave me her car and still thinks *I* owe her.) I resent her expectations of me. She was am emotionally abusive and controlling mother (as she still is now). I have set strict limits on my chauffering, and she isn't happy.
If I were the one living with and taking care of my mother, I would really resent my brothers. And, quite frankly, I wouldn't do it.
How to help out? Money (especially if the in-law who is doing the caregiving isn't being compensated). If there will be an estate, insist that the caregiver(s) get more of the estate than anyone else.
In my opinion, you are not 'on the opposite side'. Just a different side. So dont beat yourself up.
I dont despise you. In truth, I think I envy your freedom of choice. I have never been able to go on 2 holidays a year. In fact it one one every 10 years (if we managed to save up a little)
Being low paid workers (and boy did we work hard) it was all we could do to keep our heads above water.
BUT we are not complaining, in fact I think we did well.
This was just to show that we could not, ever, have saved enough for our old age.
I am a carer, who is being cared for by the one I am caring for. I think of this as normal. Each of us cares for the other.
I/we would hate for our children to have to look after us. I will go into a government run 'home' before I do that.
Now you have a little of my back ground, I can offer how I see would help.
Phone regularly, let the carer rant on (even if you have heard it all so many times before.
Send flowers. Not a big bunch, just one you have selected yourselves. A special food parcel (after you have checked it they can eat what you send.
Try and arrange some respite for the carer. Some time away. You dont have to pay for a holiday for them (although that would be nice). Just find a place where the cared only can go for a week or two, and pay for that. Ask if they would like a top to bottom clean for the home. Send little vouchers for a Spa day for the carer and some one to care for the loved one while they enjoy it.
Basically, ANYTHING that you do out of love would help. :)
I am happy you have the choice to stay away and I send you smiles.
Take care of your self and yours.
Buzzy
Sorry I rambled on a bit there. lol
Just my thoughts came spilling out. :)
You are loved.