My mom still lives by herself only because she does not want to move into a place where she can live with help and assistance. I have done the paperwork several times and she gets approved and then she says no. I’m so frustrated that I don’t know what else to do. My two sisters live far away and my brother is always busy. I’m at my wits end.
Accept that your Mom has chosen to die in her own home.
As long as she is competent, there's little you can DO about it, other than to accept it, right?
Try to do what you can for her safety. The usual necklace alarm and perhaps outfitting her home with camera's you can monitor on your cell phone.
Try not to enable this greatly. Insist she do her own shopping even if by phone or computer or hiring in some help. Insist she hire her own housekeeper. Do attempt, if you are able to help her with her financial executive function or hire a Licensed Fiduciary to do so.
You know, my thinking in this realm has greatly changed now that I am 82! We ALL DIE. Is living longer a goal at this point? Some of us would rather die in our own homes even if that means alone, without help, and sooner.
I understand that from your OWN perspective there would be a good deal less worry in having your mom in care. I fully understand that. But I think you will find, as the time to move to care creeps closer and closer to you, you may change in your thinking a bit.
I would discuss your worries with your mom. Her staying at home means you WILL get the call. It will be from a Hospital that says (as my brother's did) "Are you aware your Mom is here with us at Desert Regional?"; or it will be the Coroner saying "We are sorry to tell you that we got a call today about your mom, and upon a wellness check we found.....".
I sympathize with your fears. But if Mom is competent, nothing can change her decisions for her own life. The loss of our continence, our home, and our minds are our last losses. We often fight them to the death.
Step back. Drop the rope. Live your best life. Take a cruise.
And if need be you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves and let them come out and do an assessment, and see what they might recommend.
And quit stressing, as that is only going to hurt you and your health. If and when something happens to your mom that will be on her and not you. We all get to live with the choices we make.
My sisters and I saw the handwriting on the wall a good year before The Phone Call. It was horrible watching how our parents had deteriorated. My parents were not receptive to any conversations on what to do to improve their situation. My mother would get nasty and verbally abusive if I brought it up. So I let them drive the bus.
They managed to live on their own to age 94 in their three floor town house that they lived in since 1962, but then my father finally fell and we could not get him up. He had to be placed in a facility and then eventually so did my mother.
It's horrible to witness this slow motion train wreck. Only advice is to know what you are going to do when you finally get that call. Be prepared.
Days I don't go to moms, and id call, I would go into such a panic state if she didn't answer. Now I tell myself relax, breath, and I wait call her back little later.
I have no control, I have no power, I can't destroy myself if I have no power, which is exactly what I was doing. I cant control that I'm waiting for another fall, but I can control me. I can control how I react, how much I go and do, for her. I hope this helps you some.
It's very hard. With my 90 year old grandmother it took a fall to force her into assisted living. I know you want to take preventative measures.
Would your mom consider hiring a live in caregiver? Or have hired help come check on her more often?
Please know you're not alone.