I suspect my mom has always been suffering from depression/anxiety and is possibly bipolar. She is an alcoholic. She has been on Benzodiazepines for decades just to make it through life. I believe my dad helped keep her under control over the years. Well, dad ended up with dementia and I had to place him in a memory care home 2 years ago. Mom refused to take care of him and spent her days mostly drunk and passed out, so he started wandering, etc. and had to be moved out for safety's sake.
So, she lives down the street from me in their home, alone. BTW she's only 76 so not super-aged. We've been on a roller coaster of drinking, Benzo abuse and withdrawl, falls, multiple hospitalizations, 2 stays in a mental health center, etc. Right now she is hospitalized for the fourth time in 10 months because of falls & injuries from either drinking and/or prescription drug mis-management. Also, there have been regular suicide threats for years.
I am 51, work more than full time and am responsible for managing my dad's care because she refuses. I am also an only child. I suspect due to mom's basic physical health she will be in my life for at least another decade, possibly more.
For so many reasons, I cannot take her into my home, it would ruin my life. But I am stuck with her living 4 houses away from me. I don't know what on earth I am supposed to do with her in the upcoming years. She does not have dementia, she has money, she has a house & 2 cars, and persistently says she will commit suicide before considering assisted living or anything like that. She says she will "die in that house".
It's ruining my life. I can't properly live my life and I feel like my future is on hold indefinitely. If she lives as long as her mother did, I will be 70 when she dies. I can't handle this for the rest of my middle-aged years.
I guess I'm mostly venting, but if anyone else is dealing with a kook, rather than dementia, etc., I would love to know what & how you are doing.
My first reaction is that you are not responsible for your mother and her behaviour. On the other hand I know the feeling of guilt which goes along with having aging parents. It is almost impossible to just tell yourself that any self-destructive behaviour (or the consequence thereof) is not your responsibility to control.
You didn't mention whether or not you are married and if so, how your spouse feels about your feelings of responsibility for her.
Do you have anyone to talk to who can also talk to her? Is there a doctor or religious leader who can put you in touch with the right resources? Perhaps you might even ask a lawyer if you do bear any legal responsibilities where you live. Would she consider seeing a counsellor with you? If I think of my own deceased mother, I know she would not have even considered it.
I don't feel I have been helpful at all and I hope some of the other responders have practical ideas
i really feel your pain!
my mom is an alcoholic- and she’ll abuse any drug she can get her hands on.
my wonderful stepdad passed away a few years ago and she really went downhill.
all of the same things happening that you outlined.
very hard to help an addict. My sister and I have been backing away- we both are married and work full time. I actually had to block her calls .
Sometimes you just have to let go..
You can report her to APS anonymously. ***All states*** accept voluntary reports, allow for anonymous reports, and provide good-faith reporters with legal protections.
Getting pregnant and having a baby does not a parent make! Step away from the guilt trip.
Even in states with filial responsibility laws, they usually enforce them for child support and not for parental support. There are a few states like Connecticut that do enforce filial responsibility laws for parents younger than 65 years of age.
Your mother is on Medicare. She qualifies for Medicaid if need be. She qualifies for food stamps if need be. She qualifies for a whole host of taxpayer-funded resources. Let a trained, professional social worker from the Department of Aging deal with her.