Just a quick question, I will post all the other details when I get a free moment. But I have to ask this one now... Social worker finally got back to me this morning. Dad qualifies for a few small things which may help, does not qualify for a number of others (too much social security $) but that's not the main thing here. While she visited, she noticed that my house needs a lot of repairs. When she got Dad a glass from the dishwasher, the dishwasher fell out of it's housing (again) - the countertop it attaches to is rotten underneath. I explained to her that most of my disposable income goes to provide Dad with transportation to all his appointments, extra heat and electricity, adult diapers, bed linen, you name it... whatever he doesn't pay for, I do. Well, long story short - she wants permission to call my siblings to find out why they aren't helping to support Dad? She understands that my older brother hasn't got the resources, but she said that people in my brother's income bracket have no excuse. She claims that often a call from someone like her will make them realize they need to step up... she said it would not be unreasonable for him to provide Dad with $1000-$1500 a WEEK (!). I am still ROTFL... I told her that if she got him to provide $100 -$150 A YEAR, she deserves an award. She acted like she didn't believe me. Anyway, I am tempted to let her try. I mean, at least my brother would understand that it really is serious... but I still think it is a waste of time. Any thoughts? Do you see any possible downside? I mean, beside my brother dying of laughter?
So, can't he move to be closer to the services? Closer to companionship and transport and healthcare? Has anyone ( the SW) suggested that?
My mom lived alone and started having near daily panic attacks. When she had three in a single work week, causing me to leave my job, i sat down and said " mom, I cant do this anymore". She was unsympathetic until I told her that my brother ( her favorite) was going to die of a heart attack, racing to " rescue" her.
We got her moved into Independent Living in pretty short order. Mom got better health care, psychiatric care, socialization and better nutrition. It was a win all around.
You need to see an eldercare attorny to sort out the Medicaid eligibility.
If, however with your father's and your blessing, she wishes to contact all his non-resident children and update them on the reality of your father's living situation and financial needs, there's nothing wrong with that. If she then has the diplomatic and negotiating skills to get agreement in principle to their support, that's wonderful. But since there is no way this could be made contractually binding, you can't rely on it. I'm not sure how much help it would be to you. Being certain of nothing is actually easier than hoping for help that might never materialise, and could screw up future claims.
So, yes, again I agree with BB - better get her to concentrate first on untangling his financial mess. And, by the way, she shouldn't be taking your money into account either. Your father is a self-contained economic unit in this context.
Truth is, talking to this SW was basically my last chance of lining up any sort of help with Dad at all. Most all of the news was bad. Dad also will "likely not" qualify for Medicaid for at least a couple more years because he paid so many bills with cash the past few years and kept few receipts. Probably I should have gotten involved with his finances several years ago, but at that time neither of my brothers would support me, and even today, only one would.
The only good news was that if Dad deteriorates, the county does operate a hospice, and the SW felt certain Dad could go there if things get really bad. That is a relief, because the doctor told me both my blood pressure, and blood sugar were way too high at my last appointment. I've been dealing with this stuff for a long time, and it's catching up.
Your dad's " independence" is costing you your future. As we age. I believe we owe it to those around us to make our care easier not harder.
As an example, when my ex and I split up many years ago, i was 49. My kids were in college or out on their own. I had some idea of moving to the exurbs or to a fairly rural area. Given my age, i opted instead for a coop apartment close to transportation., healthcare and grocery shopping. If i had to stop driving tomorrow, my lifestyle would be little changed, and my adult kids won't have to sacrifice their futures for my "comfort".
And quite frankly, I think a lot of people believe my brother is perfectly within his rights not to help support his parents, as you suggest, and to use his resources solely as he wishes without any obligation to his parents, and to rely on someone else - i.e. "public resources" or me, - to make up the shortfall.
All of which makes it all the more galling that he got most of my parent's resources to start his business, and never fulfilled his agreement to care for them. That, IMO, was their own fault for not demanding a written contract. But, he was their baby.
Unfortunately, without those resources, and without even the consensus of the moral high-ground with which to pressure him to help Dad in his old age, I am left to deal with things as I always have - out of my own time and funds.
The public resources that are available to Dad are not all that great. He can get a $3 lunch if someone drives him ten miles each way to the senior center. He can probably get a free bag of groceries each month if we get there early enough to get one. He can get a free ride into town if someone drives him and picks him up from the bus station - four miles away. He can get a section 8 housing voucher if he wants to move out and live by himself - they will pay nothing if he lives here because "it is not a case of homelessness."
Oh, he can get a discount pass for several local restaurants. He'll love that. Although I've come down hard on that habit the last couple of months... fact which he did not fail to complain about to the SW.
The fact is, you stated perfectly why I don't even think she should bother to contact him - he doesn't see it as his problem as long as I'm already paying for it. So you pretty much confirmed my thoughts.
Umm... that would be as much as the one can possibly manage - which is very little. And for the other one - ZERO.
And, actually, on what basis does she claim to have the rights to intervene in family dynamics? From your posts, I don't think there's neglect involved. And the house repairs aren't necessarily something your brother might be able to fix.
Perhaps you can redirect her to finding low cost or voluntary assistance for the needed house repairs?
Perhaps another question might be what else might she want to do to "provide assistance" to you? Would her intervention make your relationship with your brother more difficult? I think it might, because he can easily determine that she had to have obtained information from you on his lack of help. He might even be less inclined to provide assistance for you then, if he knows you told a social worker, a nonfamily member, that he's not helping.
I think I'd tell her that you've tried everything, he's not going to help and you've accepted that and moved on, and especially that you're not going to dwell on negative issues.
One of the things we caregivers have to learn is what help we can get, who will or won't help, not continue to make an issue out of it, and recognize that we can't change someone else's behavior.
I'm also p'm ing you with some details on other issues I encountered with the meddling social worker, as an example of how a runaway meddler can be.