Spouse and I have opposite views on helping our elderly moms. Any suggestions?

see earlier post.

Yep, you are going to have problems with your husband down the road. To me, it is a power struggle going on between you and your husband. He went out of his way to scold her about the car....geez....right after her husband died. Just get her to pay for roadside assistance to avoid future car problems. There was no need to go into the long lecture!

You are right to think something will happen down the road and it has nothing to do with your Mom....it is your relationship. Good luck on this one.

My sister has a similar husband ....

I was so thankful when my husband finally realized that we are to honor our parents when they are old. He used to be really possessive, but he lost both of his parents in a car accident and it seems it really changed his outlook.
Would your husband be willing to help pay for someone to go in and help your mom when needed?
What your husband will end up realizing, is that when they are older like that, they become very helpless. I had a hard time viewing my father that way until he began literally falling apart. A few questions: Are his parents living? He may find himself in the same boat if they are. Do you have siblings?
It's a hard realization but he needs to meet you halfway and the two of you come to an agreement you can both live with. He may not realize that he is causing you more grief by making you choose. Would he be willing to read some of these replies from others going through similar circumstances?

You didn't state how old your mother, your husband, you or children are. Your spouse's behavior is being taken in by your children who will be eventually your caregivers. Are your spouse parents still living? did he have a good family relationship? All these things issues are coming through loud and clear through his objections. As someone noted in the comments, this is a time when you honor your parents when they are going through difficulty times regardless of the source.
Also, you stated "He was in very bad shape, but we didn't realize he would give up the way he did" -- this is an odd statement unless it's a roundabout way of saying due to his health issues he committed suicide.
You and your mom need grief counseling and a plan of action to assist her to become independent.
Your spouse needs counseling also to deal with his anger and abandonment issues.

It appears your husband feels your loyalty is divided between him and the family you created together and your mother. Since he feels slighted by the the recent increase in time spent helping your mother, I would suggest you need a series of conversations with your husband about current situation as well as future plans. Since your spouse seems a little touchy, I would suggest asking him to counselling with you weekly for a month or 2 to thrash out these issues and get back to being a team. The counsellor can help you both to focus on the issues and express your emotions in healthy ways. He or she will also have good ideas on ways to deal with the issues/emotions you are both dealing with,

Oh, you've already hit the warning barrier to the roadblock ahead! You do need to have a conversation with him to clear the air asap. From what you've said, mom hasn't asked for that much. She has gone through great change in her life by losing husband (even if he was too ill to handle certain things for her). From my own perspective, I'm not going to be lectured to by a spouse. He may offer suggestions, as in how about we look into getting some roadside assistance set up for your mom, but I don't see me taking a browbeating. It's as simple as someone can hinder you, lecture/hassle you to curb your activities - which is the same as trying to control you. Or they can help you by offering suggestions when a crisis comes up.

Would he tell his own parents to figure it out on their own? Or would he take mom a key and then sign her up for some vehicle assistance? Or, maybe he would ask you to handle that assignment... If he wouldn't even help his own parent or family member without being annoyed, I would take a wild guess here that you may have seen this behavior coming.

Now it comes down to will you iron out compromise with him or walk away from your mom like he sort of wants you to do? Like Judge Judy says there's a 50% chance you won't have this spouse in 10 years, but your mom is your mom for ever. Keep in mind your decisions about what you do or don't do for mom will also influence your children later on in regard to you and the hubs. He might want to chew on that thought a while. Best of luck as you sort this out. I think you may even have to consider a counselor (if he'll go) to find out if there is something more going on here: doesn't like your family, control issues, looking for excuses to create divide in marriage.

What is it you are asking or concerned about?
It sounds like you are torn between helping your mom and managing / dealing with your husband's reactions - and that you feel your husband is being unreasonable.
* I would encourage you to decide how you want to support / help your mother and then TELL your husband what you are doing / going to do.
* From my point of view, your husband has an agenda - I am not sure if it is jealousy, prior issues between the two of you (and this is the straw / camel's back), or / and why he is so frustrated / angry at what you are doing.
* If it was my husband, I'd listen to him: ask what he wants / needs from you and then tell him WHAT you are doing / going to do in terms of assisting your mother.
You certainly do not need his permission to help her out.
Do you feel you are setting unrealistic boundaries with your mom? Losing a husband is so difficult. Perhaps your mom needs grief counseling - and you, too (this was your dad?)
* What I wouldn't do is listen to your husband 'complaint' and put you down or negatively communicate with you. I would tell this "how you are communicating with me is unacceptable." He seems to feel / believe he can do this.
* See if he has underlying needs / issues that have nothing or little to do with the time you are spending supporting your mother. Of course, I am not married and would have a very short fuse if a husband talked to me like this. He needs to learn what compassion is and provide this support to YOU. This is not an easy time for you, either. Gena.

Anonymous4444: I am so sorry for the death of your father in February and send deepest condolences. Allow your mother time for the grieving process and then reassess.

You won't have your mom forever. How will you feel after she passes, and you didn't respond to her phone call? Or told her do it yourself, your family is gone, according to your husband.
What if she fell down, and you didn't hear from her. Because you were supposed to be focused on your family. Can you live with that?

What if you were excited to see your grandkids, and your adult child told you, don't bother to come over. The kids don't need a grandma. They have us. Does that sound reasonable? They are going to pick up on all of this.

Maybe you should see a marriage counselor. This does sound like it could be a real problem and seems like he is being sort of selfish. Your mom sounds like she isn’t asking for that much help. Widows should be able to expect a little help now and then. Might be good to work it out before it blows up into a mess.

I’m terribly sorry for your recent loss and the disappointment you are feeling about your spouse. I have been there.

Stand firm and help your mom. In the examples provided, your husband was being unkind and selfish. If you are strong with him on this issue that seems very (reasonably) important to you, your husband will learn to accept your actions and could even respect you more in the long run. If you instead just follow his orders when they make you feel compromised, it won’t help your marriage anyway.

Not to mention, if you cave in and leave your mom alone when she is in need following the emotional crisis of losing her spouse, you could be someday haunted by your inaction. What would that be teaching your kids?

Your mom really needs you right now. Be there for her and help her through the difficult transition of becoming a widow. If the situation was reversed she would be there for you too.

Your husband is going about this the wrong way. In the time he spent complaining, he could have helped. That might have elevated your pride and love for him, and then you would have wanted to give him a hero’s attention. You might feel like bragging about him. You would be feeling grateful for your choice of marrying him and regarding him lovingly. Instead you are feeling reasonably disappointed and probably want space.

I don’t recommend marital counseling as some people on this forum suggest. The last thing you need right now, after suffering a grievous loss, is a stranger picking marital fights and pressuring you to cave in when you are already doing the right thing and you do not need to compromise your beliefs. Marital counseling in this scenario is a time drain, a financial drain, an emotional drain and more time away from both your kids and your mother. (It will not help your marriage, either, for you to sit in close quarters and hear your husband making excuses for not helping and whining and griping about why you aren’t doing this and that and more for him at a time when he should be helping you heal.). Again, been there. I came out of these sessions very frustrated with my marriage, out $250 per session, and absolutely dreading the next meeting the following week. (The only one who benefitted was the therapist who probably ended up with a pretty nice vacation, while we blew our vacation budget uncomfortably arguing in front of a bizarre stranger, who must have repeated 1000 times, “How does that make you feel?” My answer to her: “like I am completely wasting our money here and getting nowhere!”

By helping your mom you are setting a great living example for your kids. Your kids are also learning to stand up for themselves and do the right thing.

I provided care for my parents and my kids learned to be fantastic help. It was a wonderful experience in learning to work hard, problem solve, kindness and compassion. My kids developed even more loving relationships with my parents and that was priceless. You are also teaching them how you would preferred to be cared for someday.

I hope your husband seizes the opportunity to be your Superman.

Forgive your Dad for dying. Even if he made bad health choices along the way that contributed to his passing, he really could not prevent dying and he surely did not want to leave you. It is natural to feel hurt and deserted when a loved one dies. (I believe even those who commit suicide couldn’t help it— they just couldn’t overcome their emotional pain enough to continue).

I understand how you feel. In fact, I could have written this very question myself.

Thinking of you.

Your husband sounds like he is jealous of your relationship with your mother and he expresses himself as an uncaring and hostile opponent. Would suggest you and he meet with a Geriatric Psychiatrist for better insights into the family dynamics you have. It must hurt to have someone you love being so harsh on you and your mother.

OP’s first immediate reply post is below. She hasn’t been back for a week, and I think she has already worked out what to do. Not much point in banging on ourselves.

OP July 15: “Thanks all for the responses, I appreciate them all! My kids are 2 and 4 with my mom being 64. She is capable to handle herself, but I think she might be in the learning phase of what outside sources might be available. I like the overall consensus to find out what type of sources are available for use, like AAA and roadside type. It would make sense to take a little time now to sit down with her and help her set up something now vs. waiting until it is something needed now and us being away. This has been a very helpful forum to get an extra perspective. Thanks again”

As you help your mother prepare for independence, make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters (I'm assuming you will be her POA), a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will if she has assets (a house, etc.). If she is on fixed income, consult with a local social worker who may be able to recommend pro bono attorneys or other resources to help with this. You need an attorney who specializes in elder law. Her POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. You can do this with a phone call to them, with her sitting next to you. Banks and other financial institutions also often have their own POA forms. It's good for people living alone to have a MedicAlert type neckace or bracelet in case they need emergency assistance and can't get to a phone. My husband's sister had it, and it worked well for her. They will call people on the phone list if there is an emergency. With my mother, we got a second credit card on her account with my name on it so that I could purchase things for her. She also made me joint owner of her accounts, which made things a lot easier. I set up online accounts for her everywhere I could and autopay. When she had early dementia and wasn't able to write checks properly, I took over all of her finances and had her bills sent to me. I hope your husband gets more understanding that parents sometimes need more help than they did in the past. But it's also important to give first priority to your family most of time. It will also happen with his parents.