My 82 year old mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She lives in Tx, 4 states away. She is divorced and has lived alone for 40+ years. Our relationship has always been a struggle. I think she has NPD. Close relationships never work for her. People routinely walk away from her highly controlling, self-centered habits. She has zero self-reflection. Everyone according to her, is jealous of her, even me. She’s not close to siblings, has no sense of community and no close friends except 1 or 2 men who she charms. She’s highly educated. Knows everything, is extremely stubborn, lacks empathy, and can be belittling and cruel (this all pre-dementia). But to the world she is charming.
A few years ago after yet another situation where she treated me like an incompetent, and refused to respect boundaries ( I’m 62 an only child), fed up yet again, I decided for once, NOT to be the one to call her and pretend like nothing happened. Know what? She did not call me for over a year. So inadvertently, we were no contact. During this period though, I did have her brother call her to check in and report back to me. In contrast mom never mentioned or asked about me to her brother.
Then during this period, I was getting reports mom was forgetting & repeating things. Two male acquaintances who see her once a year, emailed the family they were worried but never used words like dementia or Alzheimer’s. I called my mom to hear for myself. She sounded normal, but decided I would arrive unannounced to visit her on my way back from an overseas trip a few months later. However, while on my trip, the police tracked me down. A welfare check had been made. She was writing thousands of dollars in checks to scammers and neglected herself. When I arrived, it was apparent she had early dementia. Being mom with NPD, she staunchly and arrogantly refused all help, even from her brother, would not give anyone POA and was hostile at any suggestion she had Alzheimer’s. Banks would not help me, she refused to share information. I couldn’t get her to Dr. appts, or come stay with me. In desperation, I went to court for emergency temporary guardianship. I asked for a 3rd party temporary guardian thinking they could handle her and the situation better than I. They were able to get caregivers in the home, her finances handled, but Mom is mad as hell with me when the topic of guardianship comes up. Screams at me to get out of her life, that we’ve never been close, I’m jealous of her etc. She talks shit about me to whoever will listen, neighbors, caregivers, and clearly, her lawyer.
She is contesting the guardianship. I am at $45k in legal fees and counting. Even though she has a temporary guardian, I was the one working with the caregiving agency to help with the transition, caregivers text me daily, I installed cameras and fired 3 caregivers already, I drive alone across 4 states to check in - in short, everyone can see I’m trying to help except mom and her lawyer. Court is Oct. I am only asking for permanent guardian of her person; the estate( large) will go into a trust. There is zero financial access. Note: I’m also highly educated and doing fine financially.
My concern is, it seems the guardian ad litem and mom’s lawyer do not want me as permanent guardian simply because of what mom says about me and that we were “estranged”. It makes no sense they are listening to her - she is incapacitated with NPD AND mad I took her to court. I have proven I have done nothing but help. Her lawyer has no other rationale but “estrangement”, which must mean I can’t be trusted with her care and or I do not love her. They would rather move her to memory care for the rest of her life, 4 states away from family where no one can check on her? I just cannot see how that is the compassionate choice for mom or me.
I feel like my lawyer is trying to get me to give in and settle. Should I accept defeat and give in? No matter what, mom will hate me for bringing this upon her.
Stop managing her caregivers; stop worrying about her doctor appointments; stop listening to her unreasonable complaints and once again go No Contact.
Your last line, "No matter what, mom will hate me for bringing this upon her" suggests you want to fix this and get her approval. Whatever hatred she is spewing is the product of her personality disorder and dementia. You can not change her perceptions. She is old and she is losing her mind, and she will progressively lose physical abilities as well. She's not happy about it, and you can't make her any happier about it. You didn't cause this. You can't fix it.
Let a third party court assigned guardian do all the hard work for you. You are then free to simply visit with your mother or call her, to the extent you are willing.
Don't expect her to give you a belated apology or to show her appreciation or love for you. It's not a reflection of you. She is probably incapable of that insight at this point in her life, though I'm sure deep down she has some appreciation and love for you.
I was pushing 50 before I went NC with mom. I wish I had done that much, much earlier and started the healing process. Life on the other side is better.
My mom is NPD, but also has Schizophrenia. It's OK to let the state take over and you not have guardianship, not visit and let the guardian deal with everything. It's OK to let go. It probably is a compassionate for you to not get guardianship and not live close to her, though it may take years for you to realize that. You might want to find a therapist that has a lot of experience dealing with daughters of NPD moms. I like Dr. Les' videos on Youtube under Surviving Narcissism. It's been amazing. My mom did not take my trying to get guardianship well. I spent the first part of the fee, but then gave up. She would have not done well in court, and in my state both parties have to be given the option to appear in court. Mom insisted on going and I knew that was going to be a clown show, so I cancelled the process.
A Narcissist does not know how to love. Everything is about them and how they can manipulate people to do what they want. You are 4 states away and really can't do anything for her. Let her guardian place her where she will be safe and cared for. Visit when you can but you may find your a trigger. They need someone to blame for their circumstances it probably be you.
Consider yourself lucky that you were able to get her a guardian at all. There have been lots of posters to this forum that wish they were that lucky still dealing with a Narcissistic parent because they can't find help.
Please research about NPD and the healthy way to deal with them ( = don't).
You keep ramming your head against a brick wall and then are confused as to why it's painful. If your soul gets crushed it is 100% because you are volunteering for it. You've been groomed.
NO ONE on this forum is going to support you chasing after her.
What are you worried about? With her financial means she can go into a very nice facility where she will be well cared for and get social exposure. If she's telling her guardian ad litem that she doesn't want to be near you, this is what they will do, they are acting in her best interests. Stop fighting it.