My cousin and sister have done many sneaky things to take control of my moms life. She moved in with my husband and I a year ago.
Mom has short term memory loss but understands everything. So when she is reminded of what they have done she gets mad and doesn't want to see them, but then they call or show up and she is loving with them. I don't want to keep reminding her of the bad stuff but I feel like I have to to keep her from being manipulated again. I keep waiting for them to sneak her to another lawyer or doctor and talk her into something that she doesn't fully understand because they omit the facts that would help her make the right decision.
How can we let her continue to enjoy her golden years (she is 95 and in great health) without all the stress of their deceit ?
NOTE: Most states are single consent states. Some require the consent of all participants. Recording phone conversations depends on the location of the participants. I recommend reading http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations.
My father used to nod to have someone think he was listening, but they sometimes took it as agreement with whatever they were saying, true or not. When he realized the tactics & how they worked against him, he became far more comfortable with recording. Now, when someone tries to object, he asks what they are trying to hide.
For manipulators, it captures insidious behaviors. For good visitors, it captures memories for later listening/viewing. It's amazing what gets said behind closed doors when someone thinks there are no witnesses & the elderly can't defend themselves. It's like having a nanny cam, but the older vulnerable need to consent.
I don't know what is needed if they can't speak for themselves, though. When I find out, I will post.
Some elderly people develop a feeling of integrity if deciding that their lives were successful or a feeling of despair if evaluation of one's life indicates a failure to achieve goals.
The one question and pain that my dad still carries is why did my mother leave him 50 some years ago. He has asked about this often is the last several years. My step-sister told me that he cried deeply upon learning that she died in 2013. He also carried a lot of pain over the death of his mother a lot of which is over how she died.
I think the best preparation for old age is how we live our lives for as we decline physically, we find ourselves reflecting more about our past. At least if we are not narcissistic we do.
You also bite your tongue and withhold any criticism of her visitors. For what little time she has left, let her enjoy their attention lie a warm sunny day.
Address their errors to them, privately and not in her presence.
The thing is, the sneaky things these people did to take control of your mother's life were, QED, unsuccessful, were they not. You, however, successfully took control of your mother's life and moved her in with your husband and yourself. Your next step is to gain guardianship of your mother on the grounds of her loss of capacity. Since you are claiming that she is unable to make sound decisions because of her short-term memory loss, you cannot at the same time claim that she has the necessary capacity to give you power of attorney.
I have to say this. While I understand your anger with your sister's and your cousin's exploitation of your mother, and your fear that they might continue to take advantage, I repeat that the taking control appears to be being done by you. It isn't just a matter of where she lives, it's also your determination not to allow her to think well of them or to "be loving" with her own daughter. Your deceitful, manipulative sister is still her daughter. Don't deprive her of that.
What are your sister and cousin's goal in trying to take control of your mother's life? You may need to take some legal steps to stop this like getting guardianship if your mother can be declared incompetent.
Good luck and keep in touch.