My mother is 101, and has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism, both for her life time, and, in recent years, increasing paranoia. She is well situated in an ALF. This summer, after some troublesome events, her lawyer activated the EPA (enduring Power of Attorney) and PD (Personal Directive) on which I am named as mother's agent. Mother's paranoia has focussed on the ALF staff thinking that they steal things from her, over charge her etc. and now it apparently has extended to her bank. Everything that mother has said was stolen has been found by the ALF staff in her unit. I live 5 hrs. drive away and am 76 myself. My sister, who is a year older than me has never been helpful. I have always been the one asked to do things - right from our 20s.I moved mother from her apartment 4 years ago to the ALF of her choice. That lasted 6 months, when there was in incident with a staff member. They did not handle it well, neither did mother (no surprise) so mother was moved to another ALF of her choice - the one she is in now. The staff in this ALF have been nothing but professional, kind, concerned for mother's best interests, and although she has caused them some problems, they are willing to work with the situation. She has been there for over 3 years now. I am very impressed with them. Her case manager recommends that mother stay where she is, as the alternatives are not as good. It is reasonably expensive, but mother's financial manager has assured me that mother has enough money to last another 8 years clearly, and more. Due to her paranoia, mother wants to move to another ALF, which, incidentally is cheaper, though that is not mother's reason for wanting to move. She calls the staff where she is "thieves". My sis has similar mental problems to my mother and always has. A psychiatrist who saw all of us years ago pronounced me normal. my mother mentally ill, and then said he was more concerned about my sister. He had gone to see them after seeing me and they threw him out after 10 minutes,
After the fiasco of last summer, mother had settled down and was content to stay where she was. As long as she takes the antipsychotic drugs, her life is manageable. Then her behaviour started changing for the worse after my sis, (who lives in Scotland) planned a trip over. I went down to visit mother end of October and she refused to see me or to answer my phone calls. The purpose of my trip was to obtain info regarding her insurances, pension people etc and get her business mail redirected to me. She is still very bright, according to the drs. borderline competent. I work to get her agreement in these things before I do them and I had her agreement to take over her business mail. My sis planned a trip over here for the end of November without consulting me regarding dates then she and mother were mad at me for not being available. At the last minute, one of my plans fell through so I called mother that I was available and she refused to see me again. That was followed by an abusive phone call from my sister who claims that I have not been doing my job as EPA etc. I should mention that when I first moved mother my sister was visiting and literally did not lift a finger to help with the move, but sat and watched us work, and went home with the most expensive piece of mother's collectibles. The next day I had 9 phone calls, which I did not answer - each voice mail crazier than the next and begging me to come down and move furniture??? I contacted the ALF staff and mother's case manager who told me that my sister has been judgemental, demanding, and critical with them. She is trying to get mother into a cheaper ALF for which mother does not qualify, as it is for people with more disabilities than mother has, and has demanded that the case manager make an assessment that will get mother in there. It is not going to happen. All this after I told my sister that my decision as mother's agent was to keep her where she is. Where ever mother is she will bring her problems with her. In my mind keeping her where she is where the staff are good and working to get her back on meds is the only answer. Sis recognises that mother will be unhappy where ever she is. Mother’s case manager has called the mental health nurse to evaluate mother and possibly admit her to a psych ward for stabilization and treatment. The staff all see that mother has regressed since my sister’s visit. Sis has returned home and will be back probably within the month to move mother. Although she cannot move her to the place she is trying to, there are other places she could move mother. I have told the ALF not to accept any termination of lease there without my approval. That will not stop my sis from moving mother if she can. I suspect that I need to ask mother’s lawyer to send my sister notice that she does not have the authority to move mother. I am Canadian and we do not resort to using lawyers quickly, and am looking for any ideas of how to deal wi
Gosh you must get weary.
When you say the EPA was activated, is that the same as "registered" in the UK? Because here, once it is, the donor strictly speaking can no longer control the funds and must do it through his/her attorney. In the age of debit cards, internet shopping etc. obviously this doesn't immediately get followed to the letter, but that is the law. You can if you like ask the ALF Director to remove debit cards, credit cards, cheque books etc. "for safe keeping", leaving your mother with pocket money - that's not only fine but also what you are actually meant to do. Then, for as long as she has capacity, you must use her money as she directs within the restraints of responsible financial management; but it is you who's meant to be doing the using, as her agent, not she herself. Gives you a fair old bit of leverage.
Ah, her mistress's voice I hear… Back later.
Emjo, have you come across these people? It's a Canadian organisation, quite high-end academics/professionals, but maybe if you chucked a question at them they might have specific answers? Looks like they have a searchable website, though I have dug around it properly (yet).
Besides getting back-up on how detrimental another move would make, don't forget you can point to your mother's "form" in this respect. How many moves in how short a time has it been? Not only potentially detrimental to her welfare, but also utterly futile in terms of hoping to achieve a better environment for her. Try not to worry. Everybody rational is on your side, and the world's not THAT crazy. (I hope…)
He also said that moving a senior is very hard on them.
He said re sis and mother they seem to have some confusion. I guess! They have not researched what the facility offers and what mother qualifies for. I know mother is probably not capable, but my sister is, at least, I think she is
I found out the apartment units, have meals supplied in a dining room,and security, and they do have kitchens which mother needs as she does not eat in the dining room, but has all her meals made by home care, Any home care is contracted out. But there is no nurse on the floor. That makes me comfortable for a 101 yr. old. Where she is there are nursing aids available 24/7.
I have more messages on f/b probably from my niece, but am not even looking at them so don't even know who they are from. I have no intention of being sucked into a question/answer session with her.
I told the manager that mother has BPD and narcissism as well as paranoia and then he started sounding nervous.
may be worth posting as a separate post for people who are moving family members
quote:
Over the past two decades, increasing attention has been paid to relocation stress syndrome (RSS), which is also known as transfer trauma. RSS is a formal nursing diagnosis characterized by a combination of physiologic and psychologic disturbances that occur as a result of transferring a person from one environment to another. Symptoms of relocation stress syndrome include exhaustion, sleep disturbances, anxiety, grief and loss, depression and disorientation. In seniors, these symptoms are exacerbated by dementia, mild cognitive impairment, poor physical health, frailty, lack of a support system, and sensory impairment. For these seniors in particular, the resulting confusion, depression and agitation have led to increased falls, undesirable weight loss and self-care deficits.
Although initial studies on RSS focused on outcomes of individuals moved to nursing homes and assisted living facilities without their involvement or consent, it is now generally understood that RSS can affect those who have chosen to move, been involuntarily relocated, or been placed in a care facility for mental or medical needs."
It can be alleviated by:
Involving the senior in the decision and planning process.
Providing the senior with an opportunity to ask questions and discuss his or her concerns.
Honoring the individual’s preferences and allowing him or her to maintain control.
Paying attention to details and maintain the senior’s daily routine as much as possible.
Safeguarding the senior’s personal possessions.
Involving the senior in setting up the new room or apartment.
Making the new home resemble (as much as possible) the old home.
Helping the resident become acclimated
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately I think mother is moving because she is fleeing the old place and has a conviction that the new pace is "better". She hasn't voiced any concerns except to move, I don't know anything about the new home care providers she would have or the new case manager nor does she. She would undoubtedly be involved in setting a new place up. I doubt she would feel any grief or loss and she is not particularly frail.
Mother used to assess herself very well. When I showed her her new computer with Windows 8 she said she would just have to learn it. I offered to take it to the shop and have them install Windows 7 so it would be more like her old one, but she refused, thinking she could learn it. She has hardly used the new computer. 6-7 years ago she taught herself the basics of computer use, with a little help from a few people, I think she is not capable anymore. This summer I set up the new one so she could access her new email program with about 3 clicks and showed her how to "reply", She practiced it while I was there and sent a few emails over the next few weeks and then nothing since. Amazing really that she did it in the first place, but that she cannot now is one outward sign of inward decline.
Just thinking on paper here...
What is it specifically that your mother hopes will improve with this move anyway? Is it some vague desire for change, a new crop of people who don't have her number yet, or is their something concrete that she wants that could possibly be negotiated where she is?
Poor old Manager, the one you were speaking to. Nervous?! - Be afraid, be very afraid...
I have lived and dealt with triangulation all my life. Once I really saw what was happening I bowed out as well as I could and still do. Sis and mother triangulate all the time. It is very tiresome. More recently my niece participates, at her mother's prompting. But then she is trying to please her mother... family pattern. She stands to inherit quite a bit, since my sis disinherited her son.
Mother hopes that she will be "happier" there, or some such vague term. She wants to be treated better, she wants home care who cook better, she wants more positive attention, she wants things fixed "immediately" and so on. She already has twice the normal time for home care to prepare her meals as she is so fussy. She thinks the staff at her ALF are stealing from her, and she will carry all those problems with her to any place she goes. She had the same problems with whatever help she had when she was in her apartment 5 years ago, in the first ALF she was in and now in this one - only the paranoia is worsening. It is a combination of her BPD, narcissism, and the age related short term memory loss and paranoia. So the answer is no there is nothing concrete that can be negotiated, and even if there was, with the BPD, and narcissism, it would never be good enough. She has said to me "If only they would leave me alone", while, the truth is, more would be accomplished if she would leave them alone. Her problems are very largely of her own making and perception. What helps? Antipsychotics - but she wont take them.
If only they would leave her alone, hm? Gosh they must be tempted sometimes. Be a great item for Candid Camera, wouldn't it - "Quick, everybody, hide!"
Just wonder. Is there, has there ever been, one person whom she doesn't muck about? With my brother-in-law's mother, it was me; with my mother-in-law, it's her son (or mostly - except when, speaking as a Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians, he gives her medical advice; but he's given that up now); with my great-aunt, it was her son-in-law. Perhaps your mother thinks it's you. "That Joan, so cold, she's got a cruel streak a mile wide…"
This part - "She wants to be treated better, she wants home care who cook better, she wants more positive attention, she wants things fixed "immediately" and so on. She already has twice the normal time for home care to prepare her meals as she is so fussy. She thinks the staff at her ALF are stealing from her…" - makes my heart sink. Yup, that's my ma-in-law all right. My poor sweet SIL, still thinking that if she tried hard enough and made enough sacrifices all her mother's dreams would come true, and agonising about it for hours if she goes out with her husband for an evening instead of staying on call. I don't wish my MIL ill, but I do wish something would happen to shift the scene, deus ex machina. Preferably something that doesn't just give my SIL more to worry about, mind, so tricky to arrange.
Wow! Perhaps she'll fall in love and elope! Now there's a thought… Where's an agency that specialises in really good-looking male caregivers with not too many scruples?
I am sure they are tempted to leave her alone. When I was last there the handyman ran from mother She was quite upset and wondered what someone was doing to cause that - to sabotage her needs being met. What plot was a foot. I gently suggested that he may have been upset by something that happened between them. She had been going on and on to me about how they had deliberated damaged her scooter in order to isolate her. Two days later her scooter was fixed. That did not change her view that "they" had damaged it, "Mother, why would they damage it and they fix it again?" All I get in response is that you don't know what it is like as you don't live there. There is absolutely no reasoning with her and according to the doctors she does not have dementia! But then, part of the BPD/narcissism is that she is never at fault - it is always someone else's fault. That has always been the case. And as you say w/regard to your mil, nothing anyone does is good enough;
No, there is no one she doesn't muck about with - never has been. People are black or white, good or evil and you can be switched from one to another. When you are in the white/good compartment of her mind you can do no wrong. Sis has lived there more than most. When you are in the black/evil compartment you can do no right. I have lived there more than most. I was the one in the family to stand up against the nonsense. It was a lonely role, but I simply could not swallow the garbage I heard about others. Could not do it. And I am the one she chose to appoint as her agent. I am the one she chose to move near to as she got older, Surprised the dickens out of me and my stomach sunk, as I knew what I was in for, and it is happening. Somewhere, she does know I have her best interests at heart. When she said she was moving close to me, I asked her why she wasn't moving to Scotland as sis and I had always figured she would. In fact it was what sis told me more than once and my thought was "Fine". I asked mother why and she said "Your sister wouldn't help me". I have stories to confirm that. So I said to mother that I would do what I could for her. She bowed her head and I saw a little moistening around her eyes. It was a very rare display of emotion and have never forgotten it. I have done what I could and will continue to. She knows me and that I will not just work to please her, but do what I think is right for her. Apparently, something in her trusts that in me.
Elope - lol! She had a "boyfriend" without too many scruples on some areas. Oh my goodness, was a ride that was. Nothing I can write about here, but let us just say he was not straight and I had to be very protective of my children. You see, nothing doesn't get tainted by this disease. You have no idea of some of what I have had to deal with. I don't hold it against her personally. She, despite all her strengths, and she has many, has a very serious disease. BPD is called a serious mental illness.
So I march on, doing the best I can.
Off to lunch with a friend - will be a pleasant break!
As I write this post, it is after spending quite a while catching up on 42 other entries. I think I did not run across what I'm about to say, but if I missed something in advertently, please forgive me for repetition.
In one form or another throughout several of your posts, you've mentioned something along the lines of the following:
"Her poblems are very largely of her own making and perception. What helps? Antipsychotics - but she wont take them."
I know there are several antipsychotics and I don't know which one her doctor has prescribed for her. Of course you should check with her doctor, who is the prescriber, but I do know that one is called Haldol (generic - haloperidol) and it comes in a tasteless liquid that can be added to anything they drink. The psychiatrist where my dad was said it was important to be able to get an antipsychotic into a psychotic person many times without them knowing it and the doctors weren't able to order injections at long term care nursing homes, only skilled nursing facilities. He said the liquid form was a great tool for the doctors and staff to be able to manage a patient diagnosed with psychosis.
I know you are in Canada, I presume your mom is as well, but has this ever did mentioned to you? If she got the anti-psychotics regularly or at least as needed, as you have suggested perhaps many of her problems would evaporate, her paranoia about thieving might make her less intent on moving, do you think?
I send you my best thoughts of strong energy and best wishes for a calm and reasonable outcome.
Apologies for not answering your post sooner. I took a "day off" then the next day had a bit if a meltdown at having to face this mess again. It was like stepping from lush grass onto crushed glass, I had an IBS attack and some chest congestion - all stress related, I am sure.
I still am wondering what benefit to mother there is in me "doing the right thing". You cannot save someone from his/herself. If she was more helpless, others could do more, but she isn't. Am I really helping her by trying to keep her in what I and others perceive to be a good, safe environment when her "demons" say otherwise. Would she suffer less by "fleeing" and starting over again even in a less desirable ALF.. I don't know if "relocation stress" would be harder on her than the stress of staying where she is. I just don't know.
You have some conditions that are exacerbated by stress, you can not take care of some one else and neglect yourself, it just does not work that way.
Your situation is like the boy with his finger in the hole in the dam.
You do not have the power to stop mother moving. You know you can't stand in the doorway of her room while some 200lb man brushes you aside as he carries out her bed. Mom and sis will get around you one way or the other so you have to let it happen. I would say don't give up your POA because it will come back on you anyway when it all falls apart. Your sister can't manage it from the UK and she sounds as unstable as Mom so will act unpredictably. Take care of yourself for now and let Mom get on with it and when the time comes and she is declared incompetent do what you feel is in her best interests whether she likes it or not. As long as she can not be self destructive with her money stay out of it for now. As long as there is no danger of her harming others by her actions ie with a gun or car she has to be left alone. It's hard for you but you must keep strong. Many hugs and sips of sherry.
I'd err very much on the side of caution before administering any medication covertly. And especially medications with that many side effects. And especially until you have it signed and sealed that your mother lacks capacity, or is caught red-handed during a psychotic episode. Get that wrong, and you'll be risking an assault charge.
Emjo, has your mother explained what she's got against the risperidone? Just generalised dislike of having her persona interfered with, or is there something more specific to it?
101 and still socking it to you and all around her. Quite something. God bless you eternally for sticking with her, but I don't think I will ever really understand how or why you do it.
What I am doing now is gathering information about the new ALF or any other to share with family and her, things like the lack of a nurse on the floor where she would be. Not exactly endangering to herself, perhaps, but an unwise decision.
Once I have done that, I will step back and let the chips fall where they may. I have done what I can. After one more email I should get the info I need, then I will email the family and send a letter to mother. That is all I can do.
The chest congestion is unusual. I have never had bronchitis or pneumonia. The IBS is definitely triggered by stress, It is a hangover from a condition that I have been dealing with for the last 4-5 years and from which I have nearly recovered, despite all the mother stress, (which has been worse in the last 4-5 years), so it is a temporary setback. I do look after myself. The last few days were particularly stressful as I was dealing with some past pain, which I shared with my counsellor. I had never shared it with anyone. It was the only experience that I had not shared and it stirred up feelings.
I am planning some escapes. We hope/plan to do a cruise in February. G says I will get 3-5 days notice so be prepared! I may go for a massage before Christmas - looking better all the time. Christmas plans are falling into place and dinner theatre again for New Years. Dental surgery and touch up of my permanent make up (I have eyebrows in the mornings now - woo hoo) in January. So I do not neglect myself. The family has a touchy gut. I am not exempt.
Sis will do what mother wants and believe what mother says, so she is unstable.
Here EPA and PD are taken very seriously. I have a responsibility to get mother assessed if I feel she is incompetent. It is not just a matter of waiting till it happens That is in motion. I cannot drop EPA/PD if I wish. I would have to go to court and be released - which is not automatic. I am setting up resources to back me up should I feel that is necessary, and also covering my butt, Anyone can go to the courts and complain if they feel I am not doing my job.
I appreciate what you have written. I need to pick up my annual bottle of sherry. ;)
Just had a call from mothers financial advisor who has been like a family member for 15 years now. He supports what I am doing and says he sees that mother is deteriorating. Nice to have allies! :)
Thanks all - the support is invaluable. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Sherry is on the shopping list.I may need two bottles this year lol.
There is no way to administer drugs covertly.
Mother has always been against any drug that would affect her mood/mental processes, as, after all, she does not have any problems, it is everyone else. Agreeing to taking such a drug would be admitting that she has problems, and that may be beyond her capabilities. There is nothing rational about this, nor has there ever been.
How - I am a very patient person by nature and have a long tether. I look ahead, set goals and work towards them, expecting difficulties along the way and looking for solutions to those difficulties. It is a problem-solving approach which I see my oldest son, at least, has too.
Why - because I think it is the right thing to do. I do care for my mother and have some compassion for her, even just as another human being. If the point comes where I feel the detriment to me outweighs the benefit to her, I will do what I can to get out of it.
Currently, however, I believe the dementia patient management problem comes in because there are too many trainee chefs in the kitchen. Too many doctors taking care of dementia or pre-dementia patients, but without the skill set to do so correctly. "Correctly" means proper assessment in the first place. If behavior is such that medication isn't necessary, fine! But if it is, let's not put it off in the unfounded fear that we're going to over medicate. Okay? Let's go into the arena of medication with the belief that we're NOT intending to over medicate. Is the fear unfounded? Maybe not...l have seen over and over again, with incompetent prescribing, how they wait and wait and wait until the behavior is so outrageous and out of control, that they almost HAVE TO over medicate at that point, and the person is zombified. Onlookers who come in at this stage are likely to believe that the stupefied patient is over medicated for no just cause. It is truly a nightmare within the dementia business.
My mother had a board-certified geriatrician who was, IMHO, absolutely worthless. By contrast, my aunt started wIth a fabulous neuropsychiatrist at a neuropsychiatric evaluation facility who gave me all of the tools I needed to manage my aunt with knowledge. When I relocated her, she didn't even need anyone other than a primary doctor for years until she had a stroke. The new neurologist at that time didn't agree with the prior diagnosis, said it wasn't even possible, even though it was right in the DSM IV and completely accurate as regards my aunt's behavior, but he didn't want to listen to ME. After, I was ONLY her niece who had been intimately involved in caring for her already for 6 years when I took her to this jerk. Other then the fact that her dementia had nothing to do with her stroke, this guy was so arrogant that he had to pipe in about everything. But, ya kno what? The first doctor had been right about auntie's dementia (alcohol), the new one wasn't. AND the new one also wasn't right about my aunt. He said it was a heart problem and that I needed to take her to a cardiologist. Instead l took her to the ER because she was experiencing breathing problems. THEY admitted her and begin testing. Turned out she had 3 different strokes IN HER BRAIN, and one area affected her ability to breathe. Hmmmm, doc,NOT the heart, but the BRAIN! YOUR specialty, and you missed it even with the aid and assistance of an EEG. WOW!
That may be enough of my rant quota for the day. It's just when you've been through this kind of incompetence over and over again, you stand back and say what's wrong with this picture?
Obviously, giving your mom anything without her permission is not a viable option as long as she retains everyones perception of competency. In spite of any declaration one way or the other, YOU already know what YOU see and feel, don't you? You just have to wait for the professionals to get on board and nevermind you're stressed in the process. With the support of the ALF evaluation, when they feel the time comes, you will then be able to do what is right for her in spite of her belief about psychotropic medication. She already isn't able to understand that the medication her Dr wants her to take would improve the quality of her life, not to mention yours.
But dementia patients overall seem to get into a stage where they are unable to care about you or your health, and many were that way long before the dementia. My aunt's neuropsychiatrist (the good! one) called it ego-centric. Yep.
You had a very bad experience with the geriatrician and some other drs. I understand and have "scratched my head" in wonder at times, and agree with looking at the big picture and thinking something is wrong,
In my view, mother has not been competence since last summer. Yes, I know her, and see the difference in her that the drs do not. BTW mother does not have ALZ, but she does have Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism and now paranoia and decreasing short term memory. No doctor has mentioned any dementia. Even if (when) assessed incompetent there is no way to force her to take meds. It is not that she does not understand that the medication would improve her quality of life. It is that, I think, she believes she is alright and everyone else is causing the problems. She has been like this all her life, needed meds and would never take any that affected her mood. She has been prescribed antidepressants but would not take them, because she says she is not depressed, though the drs observation and mine, was that she was. Yes she is egocentric and always has been - and has never cared for others, or the effect of her behaviour on them, their families, their health...
Reading the earlier posts, I was thinking - as you say - about the meds "it's not that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't AGREE."
Well, I suppose - is this logical? - that she can't agree that there's anything wrong with her, can she. How would that tally with her world view?
This has also got me worrying more about what's ahead for my SIL. Her mother is still living independently in her own home, where she's lived for fifty-five years. She has a 24-hour paid companion except at weekends, when she stays with my SIL or - yes, you can imagine how well this rota is working out - my ex and his lovely wife (no, she is lovely, I'm not being ironic; but what she isn't is a pushover). I posted on the professional caregivers' thread they've got going on AC that however much the companion was paid it wasn't enough; and the darlings thought I was paying them a 'worth their weight in gold' compliment - and so I was; only there was the other side of the coin, too, which clearly didn't even cross their minds, bless them.
What worries me most is that this family has got "form" with screwing over daughters; and I think my SIL's under threat. I worry less because her fabulous husband is a past master at drawing boundaries thanks to his own mother (who I adored but I don't think anybody else did). But I'm not sure even he realises to what extent my ex's family is prepared to see my SIL sacrificed on the mother altar.
I'm looking at the generation above. My ex's grandmother had two daughters, my MIL and her younger sister, Anne. Anne was like a blurred carbon copy of my MIL. Half as pretty, half as clever, they all 'felt so sorry for her' and 'needed to take care of her.' I think you know what's coming. Anne met and married a man, against expectations, in her twenties. The family arranged a grand wedding + trimmings - I've still got the milk jug from her presentation tea service. But very rapidly it became clear that her husband was a brute who didn't care for her, apparently; or so I heard it when I joined the family, many years after. He definitely had to go. They made sure of it. Fortunately, as poor grandma suffered such terrible ill-health, there was a happy solution that Anne could have a home with her mother and never be lonely. Wasn't that lucky for Anne? And indeed she had her mother's company to enjoy, and her mother to look after, until she died at about 45 of malignant melanoma.
For me, the saddest part of Anne's story is that Anne never for one moment thought she wasn't the luckiest woman in the world. That woman had the most loving heart I've ever encountered. I don't know, maybe devoting her life to caring for her mother wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to her. It was a kind of fulfilment, I suppose; and she certainly did make herself crucial to the family, because less than a week after she died the question of who was going to care for her mother now blew everyone else sky-high out of the water: my MIL still doesn't speak to any of her aunts - her mother was the eldest of 16 children, some of the aunts are MIL's contemporaries - and this happened - oo now - 27 years ago.
Over my dead body are they repeating this exercise on my SIL. Over my dead cold body. I swear it.
How can I help her and her husband protect their cordon sanitaire? Every so often I hear rumours about how "he's very hard on her" or "he doesn't seem to understand how much she worries about her mother" or "he won't let her retire" - little hints about how she might not be as happy in her marriage as the family could wish. Usually after he's put his foot down about a short holiday abroad, or not cancelling a long-standing engagement, or not resigning her part-time post as a consultant psychiatrist (yes I know. Physician, heal thyself. Don't ask). Actually, now I've just put it like that, I think he's got their measure, no? Perhaps I can stand down to amber alert.
My MIL won't touch the drugs either. She's much better off having panic attacks and needing to be rushed to ER every couple of weeks because her heart could burst at any time, you know… and of course she can't have a mere paid companion going with her, can she? No no. Only a daughter, or a doctor, or a happy combination of both, will do… Presumably it's less satisfying to ignore the opinion of someone who isn't professionally and emotionally qualified to give it.
My MIL told me she had never spent a night alone in her life. Now then. Her husband had died two days before, so this was not the time to take her to task: I patted her hand and gave her a hug, though I may also have allowed myself a surprised expression. It is true that she married at 19 and was widowed at 75. I allow that the grief of a widow who has never known adult life as a single woman is probably in its own category. The rest of it, this portrait of helpless little wifey now bereft of all meaning in life? - utter horse shit. This is the woman who had her third labour induced early because she didn't want to miss a cruise holiday. Who travelled the world as part of a sports team. Who served as a magistrate. Who qualified as a barrister in her forties, once her children were off her hands - not, to be blunt, that the children ever were that much on her hands - that's what staff are for.
So, again, we're looking at an admirable (in many ways), vibrant, strong, gifted person. But what's she going to do with those gifts now, is what worries me. Won't see a counsellor. Won't consider meds. Won't help herself. When she falls back on my SIL, how do we collectively help take the weight?
The family thought they had the job done when my SIL got her heart broken in her early twenties by her VILE fiancé, pond-life of the lowest order who I too was very glad to see the back of. What they didn't reckon on was her finding her soul mate out of the blue in her thirties, and on his being such a tough nut to crack. Ha!
This post has been cathartic for me, but I didn't intend to hog the conversation when I started it - apologies. Any advice as to potential pitfalls, booby traps and ambushes you can all spot in the scenario would be welcome.
It is that she doesn’t agree, and juju brought up a good point today –that of pride. It was almost funny in the hospital last summer. Mother had forgotten things, dates, times, what she had done when, and then in a burst of self-righteous energy over something announced “I am not confused. They are confused, but I am not confused”. If it wasn’t so sad it would have been funny. Being less that always right does not tally with her world view.
I get your drift. For some jobs there is not enough money in the world…
So sad about Anne. I wonder if the cancer was an out. I have almost finished reading a book titled “When the Body Says No” by a physician called Gabor Mate’. He writes about family dynamics and disease. I find it very interesting;
Do you not think your sil can look after herself? Especially with the help of her husband. I always try to resist the urges that I am key to saving anyone from anything. We cannot fix others – just ourselves. I think you can stand down to green alert if there is such a thing. Relax, cm, looks like hubby has got their number.
Frankly sil should have enough of a head on her to realise that no amount of attention will ever be enough, and going on these ER jaunts is a total waste of her time and worse it is enabling a narcissist and reinforcing that she (sil) is willing to be the source of the narcissistic supply (attention). Uh - uh not smart.
A couple of asides:
Mother tried to drag me into some of that. She wanted an entourage to go to the hospital in another city for her hip op knowing all the time she had decided she wasn’t going to have it just yet anyway. I got suspicious and backed out as she had a nurse/companion with her who was quite enough for mother’s needs. I would have travelled extensively for nothing except to watch my mother play her games. They are quite ruthless about using other people’s time and energy. If sil hasn’t learned that by now I doubt you can protect her.
I knew someone who refused to push her son out during childbirth until they gave her the drug she wanted. Needless to say the child became a mess. I often wonder what happened to him. She was married to a friend and they divorced. Essentially he lost his son, as well as his wife.
When she falls back on sil, it is up to sil to make some hard decisions. I don’t think anyone can do that for her. Sounds like the family are a bunch of users. I think sil’s best chance is her husband.
And that triggers something - you asked some posts ago if there was anyone mother doesn’t mess about with and I remembered there is one person, and that is part of the reason I married him - my last ex. She backed down from him every time, as she knew he could be as ruthless as her or more so. I doubt I would be going through this with her if I were still married to him, but, those benefits were not enough to offset the troubles he brought to the marriage. If you sense a hard side to me at times, it is what I have learned from him. It is not had so much as self-protective. Shields must be strong to be effective.
Don’t worry about hogging the conversation. It is an offshoot of the thread. What I don’t like is when people start making personal attacks on one another and hijack a thread for those purposes.
Advice –let her husband do his thing. He sounds quite capable. Good man!
And to tie this back around to Emjo's thread - my mother is a smart dysfunctional cookie too and because of it she's able to hide growing cognitive deficits better than she would otherwise. I think the doctors are still quite snowed and things will have to get Very Bad for her before she's not able to hide it with strangers.
Today I got a reasonably lucid phone call (that went to voice mail) from mother asking me if I would please let her know if I agree to letting her move as she has a room to move to in mid January. I am surprised at that as the two places I contacted that I thought she was interested in had waitlists of 8 and 12 months. She doesn't know that I have no say, and I don't think that I will tell her. She also told me to tell my sister not to come over and visit as it just causes problems. I have no intention of doing that. She can tell her herself. I am sure she has, In some twisted way, I think mother thinks it is my "duty" at this point to protect her from my sister, while she invited my sister's involvement a month ago! I am still waiting for information from the ALF I think she wants to move into. My decision stands, but I want to have the info before I make that known.
Tonight I really want out of this. My life is so affected by mother's and my sister illnesses, and I am so terribly tired of it.
Bermuda. beware - your mother may be assessed competent.
About your situation I'm so glad the moving drama is solved! What you describe is familiar to me that sometimes there are problems that come up which really could be due to the dementia OR due to the BPD OR some horrible combo of both of them. Does your mother show much memory loss yet? It is remotely possible she genuinely did forget that she told your sister and you to tell her she didn't want your sister around anymore? But then again maybe it's just the BPD crazy-making machinery. It is also quite difficult to explain to an outside medical person in a way they can understand about the impact of emotional illness combined with aging issues.
Mother's short term memory is decreasing all the time, Did she forget about my sister? I don't think so, as I have seem this type of behaviour before. She told me she didn't wasn't to see me and then the next day that she did want to see me IF I would do this or that for her. I think it is the BPD/manipulation. People are black or white to her, and their position can switch quickly. You are right it is difficult to explain to the medical people..
If I am successful in stopping her from moving I may have done something beneficial for her even though she does not acknowledge it.
I know why I am so pi**ed off about the phone call with the mental health nurse She got sucked in by mother -the poor old lady is upset because her daughter (my sis) won't help her move. Oh, if the nurse's eyes could be opened to the larger context. If she deals with mother enough she will get it. People always do. Book knowledge doesn't do it, personal experience is necessary, and that comes with a price,
rather than reassuring them that certain behaviors are "Normal"
Each person is a unique individual and there is nothing normal about mental illness or dementia.
Professionals,from experience and education. can advise a caregiver what to expect MAY happen in the course of an illness, they can predict the LIKELY outcome when certain drugs are tried. They can list the possible side effects to be aware of. but there is no certainty or normality.
Emjo you have had a life time of experience with your mother and you are wise enough to know when to intervene and when to leave well enough alone. So what happens if your mother is declared incompetent? How would this change her behavior? Maybe she would be placed in a secure mental health facility where she could not up sticks and move on a whim. Perhaps she would be force fed her medications and become a zombie.
From reading your posts your entire motivation in taking on the care of your mother has been to keep her safe and well cared for and to the extent it is possible content. You have done this out of duty and love because she is your flesh and blood and gave you life. It has clouded your whole life and the sacrifice has been huge. Ask yourself what would have happened to her if you hadn't cared enough to care?
As others frequently say take care of yourself first. Many hugs.
I frequently feel as though I am trying to teach my grandmother to suck eggs, then I remind myself or my body does, that I am just shy of 75 and frequently appreciate when I too need to be taken care of.