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So FIL is still going to sit in his own waste all day. But he'll be at home! And their inheritance will be saved!

It really shows you what this family values, doesn't it?

Makes you wonder where his priorities will be if you get sick. Or if you have kids.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Excellent point, Barb!
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I have a few questions. You started by saying he was your boyfriend but you never actually said that you got married. And then you said you bought a house, leading me to believe that only your name is on the deed. If all of that is true, and you are just a girlfriend and it's all your house, then get rid of both the boyfriend and his dad, send his dad to go live with his daughter, and reclaim your life. You are, what, in your late 30s?

If you are going to keep boyfriend/husband/whoever he is, tell him that you no longer want to live with a man who chooses to sit in his own feces, refuses to do his exercises, and needs more care than you want to give him. Stand up for yourself because nobody else in that family will do it for you.
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No idea if Sad Empath will return as she considers the situation now improved, but will add in the hopes of it being read—-I cared for a very beloved father during a time of home hospice care. Please be clear on what that is and is not. It is a nurse coming by once or perhaps twice a week, a brief check in. It is an aide coming to bathe and change sheets and clothing twice a week. It is a complete supply of medical equipment and access to a social worker and clergy as needed. It is NOT anything near full time care, it is not changing adult diapers, it is not meal prep, it is not therapy. This poor man will sit or lie for hours in his own waste with his skin breaking down, with no mental or emotional or physical stimulation or support, all in the name of “not putting him in a home” hence saving his funds for his incredibly selfish children to inherit while they ignore his needs daily. If I knew you, I’d beg you not to be a part of this, for it is cruel. I can only hope you’ll come to see this clearly and not allow it in your home
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Fawnby Jun 2023
Very well put. The blind adherence that people have to “not putting them in a home” boggles my mind. Somehow that mantra needs to be changed! Your post is excellent.
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As many others have said, find a different solution for him as no one is caring for him now and there are options. When you invited him to live with you, you didn't know how his health, mental and physical, would change. You can and should move him out as it would be better for you, your husband and the rest of the family. You can't allow one person to impact so many lives when they would actually be better off somewhere that can provide the level of care they need.
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I’m so curious as to whether the engagement in this case is solemnized with a ring. Does fiancé have any skin in this game (while he and dad are living in Sadempath’s house)? And freeloading for medical care? This whole situation is very concerning.
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Way2tired Jun 2023
I was wondering the same. That’s a long engagement. I would have moved on long before now.
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That your Boyfriend's Father, whose not a FIL unless you are married, lives in Your House under Your Rules and needs to be placed into a facility. His money pays for his care to Medicaid level.
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Tell the Sister in Law to take him then go on a cruise ship for 2 weeks . Make a firm boundary you can no longer do this by physically leaving . Wether it’s a weekend , week or 2 weeks - walk away and go on a vacation . You can bet he will be in a NH when you return .
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Your question made me feel very sad that you are in this situation.
Like many others on here have said, I'm sorry to say but you are being taken advantage of. It does not sound like a good situation and your boyfriend and his sister (and their Dad) are all disrespecting you. Please listen to what people on here are saying. I'm actually angry at their Dad for treating you like this.

Just ask yourself: would you sit in someone's house (unrelated to you) and eat their food and poop in their chairs and throw rubbish on the floor, and expect them to change you and bathe you and provide for you? I bet your answer is no.
So please don't allow a person to do this to you.

I am married but would NEVER provide personal care for my FIL. I would visit him, drive him places, attend appointments, but that is it.
It is NOT your responsibility. But for some strange reason, it sounds like you want it to be your responsibility and you feel guilty for some reason. As others on here have suggested, perhaps this goes back to your childhood and maybe it might be good for you to talk to a counsellor/therapist?
Please please tell your boyfriend that HIS father needs to move out by the end of the month. Set a definite timeframe for this and don't let it drag on any longer; arrange for an aged care assessment and tell your boyfriend (and his sister) that they need to find a suitable nursing home for his Dad. Tell the Dad that he needs to go somewhere where he can be properly cared for. It is neglectful of them to allow him to sit in poop all day.
I say this with kindness and really hope things improve for you
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" My fiancé said he didn't want his father to leave and his sister shared that sentiment."

These 2 are deciding that their father will stay in YOUR house. You have no say?

Do you see what is wrong with this situation?
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The OP did update that she won a small battle. Sometimes it takes baby steps to solve a problem.
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NYDaughterInLaw Jun 2023
Really? Care to share what that "small battle" was? Why the mystery considering OP has not provided any updates or answered any questions? Just curious.
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You must set your boundaries that are appropriate for you, what you will and will not do etc., tell the family including the patient and, stick to it.

If you continue doing what you are, it is only enabling the situation remain the same.

Set some dates with the other family member to have him transferred to their home. Don't let them not give a plan including dates.

You can also call Adult Protective Services and advise them of the unsanitary biological hazards that exists in the home with the patient.
You can call APS, anonymously if you like. You can inform the family that you have or will call APS or you can choose not to tell the family nor patient.

Take back the control that has gradually been eroded from your life . If it means relationships change,then so be it; for your own sanity ,safety and well being.

And ultimately for the well being of the patient: you are correct, he belongs in a skilled care facility. Of course he is going to deny this and so many other family for different reasons. But you, do not have to nor should you agree and allow the situation to continue.
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On June 14, OP posted:

"Since everyone was so kind to take their time to answer my question and offer their advice, I wanted to come back to update everyone on how the meeting went this past weekend. Sadly it went almost as I anticipated it going. I tried to stick with the facts with all three of them (both daughters, and his son which is my fiancé). I explained the type of care their father should be receiving which is getting bathed and changed daily, he should be moving around every hour, he isn't eating or getting proper nutrition, he isn't interested in PT or OT, he lays in bed all day and will get bed sores in no time. I tried to explain to them he would benefit greatly going to a nursing home or an assisted care facility. My fiancé said he didn't want his father to leave and his sister shared that sentiment. So I explained to all of them that their father is THEIR responsibility. I never intended or wanted to kick him out of my home but I will not be the one doing the caregiving and worrying about him every day. I told them they need to discuss his care amongst each other and what they decide to do is their decision. I will bring him his coffee in the morning and give him his medications but beyond that, it's their responsibility.

My fiancé's sister texted us yesterday saying she's looking into hospice care. I was under the impression that hospice was only for end of life care but she's saying it's not just for end of life. Either way, as long as he gets the help he needs then that's fine.

Ultimately it didn't go the way I wanted it to, however I'm hoping the meeting at least made them realize they need to be involved with their father's care more. My fiancé now packs a cooler for his father every morning with snacks and meals so I do not have to. He realizes now that HE needs to be the one taking care of his fathers needs, not me.

I want to thank all of you for the support and the help. It really meant a lot to me."
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lealonnie1 Jun 2023
Too bad people don't read posts and updates. Thanks for putting this update up top where hopefully it will be seen.
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At the family meeting, instead of informing everyone you are bowing out completely, make it sound like you just need some relief. Tell SIL you'd like to get a date where dad can live with her for a while. Ask the others if they are willing to participate in this living arrangement rotation to give everyone a good break in between visits. If only SIL is agreeable, that tells you how many people are going to participate in dad's care.

I'd ask for him to live with SIL for 6 months so she gets a good idea of what is involved in his care. When it's time for him to return, I'd have another conversation at that time and let her know you just aren't up to it anymore after already serving your time with him. Suggest another family meeting at that time for his kids to determine who gets him next or facility placement - you remain quiet during the meeting. They will sort it out, or dad will just remain in the home of SIL.
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You are not wrong for feeling burnt out. You invited "Dad" to live with you when he needed much less care. Now, he needs more care than you can provide and the stress is causing you problems. See if there is an adult day program (usually in a skilled nursing facility) nearby and if others will pay for him to go Monday-Friday during business hours. Talk with his family about what would be his ideal schedule and how/who will tend to his care needs - daily and weekly. If nobody can step up to provide extra care, then he is probably in need of placement into a skilled nursing facility. Get his doctor to evaluate and recommend placement.
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SadEmpath: I am sorry to read that the meeting did not have a successful outcome in regard to your boyfriend's father's care plan. It is quite obvious that this gentleman, who is not your FIL requires more care than originally thought. Sitting in his own waste is not at all right.
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There are a lot of responses to this post. I have found that people miss newer posts because they may have the thread set at "oldest first". By doing this you may miss an update. Better to have set at "newest first".
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